Rob Smyth's Blog, page 150

Move Cook to No3 and look beyond Branderson: how England can regain Ashes | Rob Smyth

A new challenge could revitalise Alastair Cook, wildcards in squads can help find the X-factor and the exits of Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad must be staggered

The search for Alastair Cook’s opening partner has overshadowed an even greater need to fill the most important batting position of all. James Vince, for all his seductive talent, is the antonym of a Test No3. There will be more calls for Joe Root to move up, though few captains have had long-term success in that position – Ricky Ponting is a spectacular exception – and there’s a reason why Steve Smith and Virat Kohli bat No4. Dawid Malan has the temperament and adaptability, though exposing him to high-class new-ball bowling might kill the golden goose.

Related: Soporific Ashes series may have been attritional but it still sells with ease | Andy Bull

Related: The Joy of Six: 10th-wicket partnerships in Test cricket | Nick Miller

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Ashes 2017-18: Australia v England, fifth Test, day five – as it happened

Joe Root retired ill as Australia thrashed England by an innings and 123 runs to complete a thumping 4-0 win

3.36am GMT

Steve Smith receives the Ashes trophy, beckons his team onto podium and holds it up in triumph. “Come on!” he shouts. Come on indeed. Australia have stuffed England, and the 4-0 scoreline flatters them not one jot. They’re an excellent side, with a dream bowling attack and an all-time-great batsman.

That’s it for our Ashes liveblog. On behalf of all the OBO writers, thanks heaps for your company throughout the series. Even for an England fan, it’s been great fun. Sort of.

3.32am GMT

The Compton-Miller Medal for Player of the Series goes to Steve Smith

“It’s been a great couple of months. The cricket we’ve played has been outstanding. All the bowlers have taken over 20 wickets, which is exceptional. England have played some exceptional cricket but we’ve been able to win those key moments and not let them back in the game. It’s nice to have the five Test matches without these injuries. So much work was done before the series to ensure the bowlers would be fit for the series. I’m really proud of everyone in that group.”

3.29am GMT

Joe Root is asleep in the changing-room, so Jimmy Anderson is stepping up for a chat

“We’ve been outplayed in the key moments of each game. Credit to Steve and his team, they were a far better side. They’ve got a fantastic bowling attack and all the batsmen have scored runs when the team needed them. We haven’t done that. We’ve very lucky to have such great support and we’re very grateful for them even though we’ve been beaten in this series.”

3.27am GMT

The Man of the Match is Pat Cummins

“I couldn’t have asked for much more than to get through the five Tests and win the series. It’s everything I could have asked for. To be in th thick of an Ashes series ... I’ve loved any minute of it.”

3.25am GMT

It was a fairly competitive series until the second day at Perth, when Australia really started to crush England. Anyway, there is plenty of time for post-mortems. It’s time for the players to open their faces and let some words spill out.

3.19am GMT

The players from both sides shake hands on the field. England don’t have the thousand-yard stares on, as they did at this stage in 2013-14. I don’t know whether that’s a good or bad thing. Australia have been far too powerful in these conditions, and it would have been more emphatic but for a few slow pitches.

3.17am GMT

I’m going to hand to Rob for the post-match. Racing downstairs for the press conference. Thanks for your company. Bye!

3.16am GMT

As expected, it is nine out and all out with Root not joining Curran when Anderson edges the first ball of Hazlewood’s fresh over. It’s over.

3.16am GMT

Cheers Adam, hello everyone. It’s all over after one ball: Anderson fences Hazlewood behind, Joe Root will not return to the middle, and Australia celebrate a thumping 4-0 victory.

3.13am GMT

88th over: England 180-8 (Curran 23, Anderson 2) Nathan Lyon now thrown the ball after Cummins copped a bit of tap from Cummins. He’s taken 3/50. Curran keeps on keeping on, dancing to the spinner and stroking him beautifully through cover, almost inside-out. Five more - off the helmet! How about that. Penalty runs. Very rare. End of the over then. That is drinks.

Average seamer length to numbers 8-11 this series:

Australia - 9.03 metres from stumps
England - 7.89 metres

3.09am GMT

87th over: England 171-8 (Curran 19, Anderson 2) Hazlewood gets a chance to finish it off, replacing Starc. He won’t this over though, Jimmy beaten early then under a couple. Deflects the last ball down to short leg. Drinks an over away. For those paying attention to that.

With the injuries, this Test call-up is probably two years too early for Tom Curran. But there's a lot to work with and the kind of "not on my watch" chutzpah that suggests he'll be back. #Ashes

3.05am GMT

86th over: England 171-8 (Curran 19, Anderson 2) Tom Curran! What a couple of shots they are! Beautiful off-drive off Cummins to begin the new over. Slams into the rope. But then goes one better on the back foot, admittedly backing away a bit, but makes fantastic contact over midwicket. The bouncers follow - they always do. Curran ducks into one. Ouch. Worn on his shoulder not head, thankfully. Has a smile, too. Tough lad. Nearly taken at short leg last ball, Bancroft diving to his left. But just out of his reach. They survive. 182,349 the total attendance for the match.

Day 5 SCG crowd of 17,174 means total #Ashes attendance is 867,002, behind only 1936-37's 957,550 as biggest ever. Addition of new Perth stadium in 2021-22 will give that a shake

3.01am GMT

85th over: England 163-8 (Curran 11, Anderson 2) Handy from Curran, off his hip fine for one to begin. Anderson does the best he can. You know the drill. So does he. Starc does give him something on the pads though, taken for a couple. Off the mark! 17,174 the final attendance today at the SCG.

2.58am GMT

84th over: England 160-8 (Curran 10, Anderson 0) Cummins to Jimmy. Warne saying on telly Root is asleep in the England rooms. Probably not seeing him at the fall of the next wicket, then. It’s awful for Anderson, short stuff at his body then yorkers at his toes. But does well to get behind the last one. Toughing this out. What other option is there? Barmy Army giving it the big ones, as they tend to do before certain defeat.

Trying to work out which of the England defeats are the worst of the four. Think this one might be the worst purely because they haven’t really competed in this Test from beginning to end. Others they have had a couple of sessions where they were in it.

2.53am GMT

83rd over: England 160-8 (Curran 10, Anderson 0) Bit going on here with the last couple of men out there. Really nice shot from Curran, square driving Starc to the rope and he’s into double figures. Big shout for lbw next up, but turned down. Smith nearly went for the review, but it was pitching outside leg. Rapid bouncer to finish. He’s out of the way. On TMS, Michael Vaughan is advocating starting the county cricket season earlier in the year and in the UAE on flat pitches. That’s outside the square.

“Is it just me or did Broad’s dismissal and subsequent departure have more than an air of “not my job mate”?” asks Elliot Carr-Barnsley. Bit harsh, I reckon. Not many players are keeping that out. Right?

2.46am GMT

82nd over: England 156-8 (Curran 6, Anderson 0) A leg slip and a leg gully in position for Anderson, alongside the three conventional clips. Player of the series for England? Vaughan says Malan, Dan Norcross reckons Jimmy. “He’s worked his guts out.” Brutal bouncer at the no. 11’s helmet, somehow gets out of the way. Beaten outside the off-stump to end the set. Cummins very unlucky not to bank his bag of five there. And I don’t think Starc will give him another chance for it, either.

In the last 2 Ashes tours, its always been Anderson at the end, forlornly facing a barrage of short balls. A ritual of the crushing England defeat Down Under

2.40am GMT

He was very adamant about the review, but it has clipped his glove on the way through, the thumb. That’ll do it. Another brilliant bouncer from Cummins. What a bowler.

2.39am GMT

HAS CRANE EDGED CUMMINS? Umpire says yes, Crane says no. Review.

2.39am GMT

81st over: England 156-7 (Curran 6, Crane 2) Nice clip from Crane to begin, behind square for one in response to the first delivery with the second new ball, sent down by Starc, who has replaced Lyon. Curran is into it too, slaying behind point for four then shovelling off his hip for a couple more. Starc’s yorker nearly gets underneath his bat, but he’s hanging in there. Barmy Army singing ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ in response to being half way to having Australia bat again.

2.34am GMT

80th over: England 149-7 (Curran 0, Crane 1) Crane out of Dodge with a tuck around the corner from a ball on his body. Cummins right on the mark with his short balls at Cummins. Paine is taking them head-high. New ball due. Not far away now.

Here is an update on Root, from the England camp. “Joe was feeling exhausted at the lunch break and is resting up in the dressing room. He is feeling unwell and some of the symptoms have returned. At this stage, it is unclear if he will return to bat.”

2.31am GMT

79th over: England 148-7 (Curran 0, Crane 0) Curran does what he needs to to deny Lyon a fourth wicket. A bit of debate as to whether he will keep his spot for New Zealand. Tough call. There are certainly more dynamic seamers in the England system. But at the same time, he has a bit about him.

A nice read before this all ends from Pádraig Collins on the Sydney sports desk. I’m tipping there are going to be quite a few Go-Betweens fans here. Enjoy.

Related: How I fell in love with the Go-Betweens | Pádraig Collins

2.26am GMT

Vaughan is right, this is ending quickly. Broad is gone second ball, off the glove or splice of the bat. A snorter from Cummins, deflected straight in the air. Seven down, but essentially eight with Root unlikely to bat again.

78th over: England 148-7 (Curran 0, Crane 0)

2.22am GMT

Missed a straight and full one. No review required. “He’s just fallen across it,” says Vaughan. There are a few overs until the new ball. Uh oh. “This is going to end quickly.”

2.21am GMT

77th over: England 144-5 (Bairstow 38, Curran 0) Not the setting for the sort of innings Curran played way back on morning two where he was slapping it everywhere. Feels a long time ago. Into his defensive stride to each of these Lyon deliveries. Nice.

“Here in ThongerWorld™️, this last day of The Ashes has become merely a prelude to phase one of Bristol City’s annihilation of Manchester City tomorrow night in the Carabao Cup semifinal,” begins Kim Thonger. “All outcomes are regarded as favourable omens. Root and YJB see out the day, it’s plucky underdog triumphs against adversity. They don’t, and England tail folds, it’s a sign of the favourite’s overconfidence and eventual undoing in the final battle. It’s not widely known but Dr Pangloss was actually Bristolian. “All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds” is the battle cry!” Where does Root not coming back out factor into this? Get creative.

With Joe Root off the field again it’s only the third time in test history a batsman has retired hurt/ ill twice. The other two were @GeoffreyBoycott against the West Indies in 1973 & New Zealand’s Bert Sutcliffe against England in 1965 #Ashes #AUSvENG #cricket pic.twitter.com/JaPoGYMtqB

2.17am GMT

76th over: England 144-5 (Bairstow 38, Curran 0) So there is some news from lunch, and that is that Joe Root has retired ill again on 58. He is six runs short of the most runs for England in the series, for those with an interest in these matters. More to the point, he must be a very unwell boy to have sat out again. “Health is everything to me,” says Michael Vaughan on TMS in a very David Brent tone. Tom Curran is the man at the non-strikers’ end. Maiden from Hazlewood to Bairstow. Cops a short one in the body, defending the rest.

2.10am GMT

Hi. Back. Only news to report from lunch is that I exploded a tomato over my shirt. That’ll look good on video later tonight. “Sterling effort from YJB and Joe Root this morning,” Brian Withington writes. “Cricketing equivalent of Rorke’s Drift in terms of the hopelessness of the situation and stoicism of response. Start minting a couple more Victoria Crosses in anticipation I say.” With that, it is Cummins to Bairstow. Play.

1.33am GMT

75th over: England 144-5 (Root 58, Bairstow 38) Last over before lunch. Root defends Hazlewood with comfort early on. Pulls a couple from a relatively tame short ball to finish the session inching closer to a precious ton in Australia. Hazlewood finds an inside edge with the penultimate ball, but the England captain is through to the break. Gutsy stuff considering where he started this morning: in hospital. Lunch.

Only Moeen fell during the session. He looked quite good against Lyon this morning too, but eventually the off-spinner was able to get through via a straight one. So straight that there was no consideration of going upstairs to review. Plum. Australia half way there.

1.30am GMT

74th over: England 142-5 (Root 56, Bairstow 38) Mitch Marsh on for a twist instead of Lyon. Not a bad shout. Shamelessly plug my piece from last night one more time, then? Okay. Decent set too. Keeps Bairstow honest. Paine shakes it up by coming to the stumps. “That won’t help Mitch’s desire to get back into the fast bowling cartel,” Simon Katich notes on the ABC commentary. Classy take from the stumper when YJB leaves, having to move high to his right. The batsman is hurried up by the last one too, prompting a few oohs and aahs. Nearly snuck through. Another maiden.

“Interesting how, at time of writing, Cook and Root have ended up with identical figures (Root with power to add), but in completely different ways,” emails Tom Bowtell.

1.24am GMT

73rd over: England 142-5 (Root 56, Bairstow 38) Hazlewood to Root. Full for the most part, defending. Root decides not to attack when the shorter ball comes. Eyes very much on lunch for the England duo now. Probably two overs away from the break. Maybe three if Lyon rushes.

“From a laughter-filled press conference to copping a grim blow even as he faces the possibility of an axe,” says Aditi, “Bancroft’s tour has been like a tragic Western (is there any other kind?).” Very good. But you know what, I reckon there is a decent chance he will be retained for South Africa. Don’t underestimate the old Australian desire not to change a winning team.

1.20am GMT

72nd over: England 142-5 (Root 56, Bairstow 38) Lyon to Root. Getting well forward to defend, then driving through cover when the width is there for it. Collects another three. Bairstow deals with the rest. Very impressive morning from the wicketkeeper.

1.17am GMT

71st over: England 139-5 (Root 53, Bairstow 38) Hazlewood for his second shift of the day from the Paddington End. Root turns him square to begin, Root does likewise for a couple later in the over. All fairly sedate at this stage. Let’s get to lunch and go again.

“So, if Juan Mata won the award for Football in 2017, who deserves the Golden Graun for Cricket?” asks Adam Hirst. “Male and Female awards, of course.” That’s a great shout. I’ll take it on notice to think about during lunch. Any nominations?

The Barmy Army give England captain Joe Root a standing ovation & stirring rendition of Joe Root (Hey Jude) from Billy the Trumpeter as he walks out to bat #Ashes #AUSvENG pic.twitter.com/va5vqM6l9S

Root has hit Bancroft three times at short leg since resuming his innings

1.12am GMT

70th over: England 136-5 (Root 52, Bairstow 36) Big shout for lbw from Lyon against Bairstow, turned down. They consider going upstairs for a brief moment but think better of it. To the penultimate delivery Bancroft cops another whack, this time hitting his lower leg by the looks. Another maiden. We’re inside ten overs to the second new ball and about 20 minutes until the lunch break. Should help Lyon, too.

1.09am GMT

69th over: England 136-5 (Root 52, Bairstow 36) Nasty! A full-blooded pull shot from Root off Starc goes straight into Bancroft’s helmet. He doesn’t move an inch, straight into the grill. The game stops while a new helmet is brought out for the Aussie opener. He seems alright, thankfully. A maiden.

“On this, the last day before it’s officially AFL season again, I have some thoughts about bowling tactics in a situation like this.” Give them to me, Matt Harris. “I feel like the Australian bowlers ought to just send down six balls in a row aimed at the stumps. Stick half a dozen men out on the leg side to stop the runs getting out of hand. With 540-odd deliveries due in the day’s play, they need the English batsmen to make a mistake six times. I can’t see Bairstow nicking off when he can just leave the ball. Is this theory too simplistic?”

1.04am GMT

68th over: England 136-5 (Root 52, Bairstow 36) Very patient, YJB. Lyon throws it up then darts it in, the response is the same. Kipling, yeah? When Lyon gets too straight, he collects two through midwicket. Doing everything right.

“Gastro bug or not, suggesting that Root’s condition overnight/this morning had “nothing to do with heat exhaustion” is just silly,” emails Steve Anthony. “Honestly, does anyone seriously believe being out in the middle in up to 55C heat was going to make his tummy feel better? Discussion of a limit to player exposure when such extreme heat prevails is still a conversation that is long overdue. No amount of online Aussie macho posturing, ribbing the “soft” Poms, will change that. Ask Dean Jones (quoted this morning saying pretty much the same thing... the man who famously batted through a sea of vomit in India).” Spot on.

@collinsadam Are there any rules preventing a player wearing a Camelbak style water bottle for on-the-go hydration?

1.00am GMT

67th over: England 134-5 (Root 52, Bairstow 34) Similar theme to the previous Starc over, mixing it up. Bairstow the man at the business end this time, playing calmly. Tickles one behind square off the pads to keep the board moving. Root times one off the pads the only ball he has to negotiate, but it has smacked into Bancroft at short leg.

12.57am GMT

66th over: England 133-5 (Root 52, Bairstow 33) Lyon set and forget from the Randwick End. Bairstow into the defensive groove, much in the same mould as Mitch Marsh last week at Melbourne. Does grab one to cover later in the over. Root goes back to the last delivery and tries to cut but doesn’t make contact. Contrasting approaches.

“Morning, Adam.” Hi Sarah Bacon. “I’m no lawyer, but I’m pretty sure the SCG has some sort of small-print disclaimer about entering the ground at one’s own risk blah blah blah,” she writes. “And besides: at least the crowd could avail themselves of plenty of horse p!ss, or rather, low-strength beer, to stay hydrated.” One of the great divisions in Australian cricket is that you can drink full-strength beer in the members but only the light stuff in the outer. Probably a piece in that. I’ll add it to my list.

12.52am GMT

65th over: England 132-5 (Root 52, Bairstow 32) Starc versus Root. That’s a heavyweight stoush. Defending, driving, leaving. Driving, defending, driving. Can’t complain about this. “Blessing in disguise that Root didn’t resume from overnight?,” asks Sachin Paul. “He has a terrible record resuming overnight. Happened in Adelaide, happened at MCG and many more crucial times in his career.” A cunning plan. Hospital tag and all. More on that:

England say Joe Root had viral gastro bug, nothing to do with heat exhaustion

12.49am GMT

64th over: England 132-5 (Root 52, Bairstow 32) Lyon once more, to Root. Nice shot through cover for two more. Best form of defence and all that from the England numero uno. But then he’s beaten! Nice from the off-spinner, again looking just as dangerous from the balls that don’t turn. He spoke a lot about that when we were in Bangladesh late last year, learning how to - as he put it - bowl ugly. He does turn one bigger later in the over, Root setting up deep enough in the crease to turn nicely behind square for a few. That gets him to 50. His fourth half-century of the series. Can he go big and save this for England? Wouldn’t that be something. 136 balls to reach the mark.

“Ashamed to admit that when I read the words of Moeen joining YJB I immediately assumed that Joe had coughed it up early on a morning resumption “yet again”,” wrote Brian Withington before the first wicket fell. “Relief that he had not been dismissed was then tempered by concern for his condition - let’s hope his arrival at the crease is delayed as long as possible.” Sorry about that. Going nicely, though.

12.43am GMT

63rd over: England 127-5 (Root 47, Bairstow 32) Starc is on to replace Cummins. Root likes that match up, playing late and through backward point for four! Then a single to midwicket. He’s nice and busy early on.

Daniel McDonald has outdone himself here. “Some Walt Whitman remixed for the final morning’s events,” he emails. And here it is:

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is toast,

The ship has weather’d every dire pitch, the prize we sought is lost,

Batsmen dismissed by the same bowler 7 times in a series:
J Siedle by C Grimmett (SA v Aus 1935/36)
T Goddard by B Statham (SA v Eng 1960)
D Gower by G Lawson (Eng v Aus 1989)
M Atherton by G McGrath (Eng v Aus 1997)
M Ali by N Lyon (Eng Aus 2017/18)#bbccricket

12.37am GMT

62nd over: England 121-5 (Root 42, Bairstow 31) Drinks were taken at the fall of the wicket. And Joe Root is the man walking out to the middle. Magnificent effort given how crook he must have been overnight, rocking up to the ground with a hospital tag on his wrist as play resumed an hour ago. Some lovely wors from Phil Walker about the England captain over at Wisden overnight that I’ll link below. Lyon throws it up to him and gets enough turn to find the inside edge from the last delivery of the over. On another day, could have ended up in the hands of the man at short leg.

Wrote this last night. Wake up to hear the kid's in hospital. Turn up to find he's about to bat. #Ashes https://t.co/EPpzKyW3gk pic.twitter.com/NFi9qmmBWc

12.33am GMT

There it is! Lyon and Moeen have been battling hard with the batsman defending confidently. But not this time, the arm ball doing the damage for the second time in the innings for the off-spinner. That’s the seventh time in nine innings during the series where Lyon has picked up Moeen. No review required - this is plum.

12.31am GMT

61st over: England 120-4 (Bairstow 30, Moeen 13) Well, that’s England biggest over of the morning, six from it. Albeit with a leg bye to begin when Moeen ducks and it collects his shoulder on the way to fine leg. Then an edge through the cordon to the rope. It didn’t carry, which Cummins is quite disappointed about. Looked a clear snick from Moeen rather than any soft hands at work. An ongoing theme of the series, really.

12.29am GMT

60th over: England 114-4 (Bairstow 29, Moeen 9) Lyon pushing through his overs in a hurry here, giving Moeen no chance to chill. But he does have enough time to get on the back foot to pull a single to midwicket. Bairstow plays out the rest.

12.28am GMT

59th over: England 113-4 (Bairstow 29, Moeen 8) Bouncer then slower ball combo to begin from Cummins to YJB. More short of a length stuff aimed at his body. This is where Cummins has been clever throughout. Bowls plenty of bumpers, but so accurate with the deliveries that are below head height but make life difficult. Fuller to finish, Bairstow times a drive through cover for a couple.

12.24am GMT

58th over: England 111-4 (Bairstow 27, Moeen 8) Lyon to Moeen. Not much to see here, which is good news for the visitors. Oh, as I type that he beats the edge. Nice bowling. But still, nearly an hour into the day and yet to really make an error. Watches the last couple go by. Maiden. Good cricket from all involved.

12.21am GMT

57th over: England 111-4 (Bairstow 27, Moeen 8) Runs again from the first ball of the over from YJB, two of them off the pads from Cummins. Sure enough, the short balls follow. But he’s back in time to defend or duck throughout the set.

Probably a sign of my immaturity that I can't watch this video without Jim Ross popping into my head screaming, "BAH GAWD, JOE ROOT IS IN THE BUILDING!" pic.twitter.com/6etdkU2EsY

12.18am GMT

56th over: England 109-4 (Bairstow 25, Moeen 8) Bairstow turns Lyon square to begin. Moeen continues to defend Lyon solidly. About seven weeks too late, I’m afraid. Leaves the last one alone. I’m in a very boisterous press box at the moment. “A real end of term feel,” notes Will Macpherson to my right.

“I’m very sorry to hear that G. Lemon is crook (though deeply thrilled at the chance to use the matchless ‘crook’ to a genuine Australian).” Morning Rob Wilson in Paris. Coming to visit in a few weeks, so goes the plan. “With Root all wibbly-wobbly as well, the OBO feels like a world of torment and debility. If Root comes on and gets any, he’s got planet-sized round ones.” If he gets motoring later on, I’m heading over to the Barmy Army for a sing.

12.11am GMT

55th over: England 108-4 (Bairstow 24, Moeen 8) Cummins into the action from the Paddington End, replacing Hazlewood. Decent pace to begin. Bairstow gets off strike to fine leg, and will be happy to do so. The right-armer has been Australia’s most dangerous quick by some margin in this fixture, for mine. Nearly gets Moeen first ball! A wafty drive, no real footwork, nearly ends up in the hands of the diving Mitch Marsh at point. If only he were six inches taller. If only he was Bruce Reid.

“Hello from Rhode Island, where it’s early evening on Sunday and -11C.” Hello to you, Tat Wood. “Over on the Guardian news site the story about Rooteh’s hospital stay has been greeted with a lot of comments based around the ‘suck it up’ theme. But I’m wondering about the spectators. Putting them in medical jeopardy opens up the doors to lawsuits and that ought to concentrate the minds of the ICC is nothing else does.”

12.05am GMT

54th over: England 103-4 (Bairstow 22, Moeen 5) A couple through midwicket for Moeen off Lyon, nicely tucked. Moeen brought forward throughout. No real issues for him so far this morning against his nemesis.

“Hi from frigid Yarmouth, Maine,” emails Andrew Schaefer. “Sorry if I’m the only one who doesn’t already know this but what are Joe Root’s options for batting today? Can he just return to the crease once Bairstow or Moeen go out?” Yep, he’s good to go at the fall of any wicket today.

12.01am GMT

53rd over: England 101-4 (Bairstow 22, Moeen 3) Moeen tucks around the corner, giving YJB the strike. Gets a bit of room to swing the bat and does, stroking a compact boundary through cover. England’s first of the morning. Clear plan from Hazlewood to go shorter after that. Handles it well. Hydration is the story of the day and Simon Katich makes an interesting point on the ABC broadcast. “Back when I was playing with the Australian team we had the hydration Test every morning,” he said. “If we weren’t at the right level we had to get enough fluid to be at that mark before we warmed up.” England 100 up with that Bairstow boundary too, for what little that is worth.

11.57pm GMT

52nd over: England 96-4 (Bairstow 18, Moeen 2) Men around the bat for the Lyon vs Bairstow contest. He has three wickets against right handers (17 against lefties) this series, at an average close to 80. Now, that is quite misleading given how frugal he has been - Paul Farbrace last night said he was nearly as important as Smith in the series - but this is the preferable matchup for England. Plays very carefully here. Going nicely.

11.55pm GMT

51st over: England 96-4 (Bairstow 18, Moeen 2) Hazlewood bounces Moeen in their first exchange of the day. He ducks in response. Does it again. So there are his two bumpers out of the way. Defends until another shorter one comes to finish, sways away nicely. Good scrap.

“Best wishes to Geoff Lemon (from one invalid to another) and we hope for his fast recovery,” emails Johnny Starbuck. I’m sure he is reading on and will appreciate that. Cheers. “Certainly in time to do a few of the shorter-form matches. I doubt very much that cricket will set an upper-limit temperature for play as we’ve been working for that in British workplaces for over forty years with no luck at all. The only thing that might change is bringing in roofs, a la tennis, and managing the temperature through artificial means.”

11.48pm GMT

50th over: England 96-4 (Bairstow 18, Moeen 2) Change of ball between overs. The umpires took a look, it didn’t pass through the rings, so they grabbed another. Lyon beats Moeen with the first delivery using it! Once upon a time, the common wisdom was that Nath couldn’t win games for Australia on the final day. You don’t hear that kind of thing anymore, especially after his 2017. Plays with so much confidence now. Moeen gets the first run of the day, behind square. Bairstow does likewise later in the over, and Moeen again to midwicket.

Old cricket balls were inside the Pulp Fiction briefcase.

11.45pm GMT

49th over: England 93-4 (Bairstow 17, Moeen 0) Three maidens. Hazlewood sends a bouncer down early to Bairstow, the first of the day. Reckon there’ll be quite a few later on if the pattern of the series continues. Big day for Jonny, he’s leaving well. “Moeen double century to save the Test?” asks Mark Hopper. Well, he has batted all day to (nearly) save a Test before.

11.38pm GMT

48th over: England 93-4 (Bairstow 17, Moeen 0) Lyon to take up the attack from the Randwick End. To Moeen, who has had so much success against in the series. Brought further forward as the over went on, an inside edge found last ball. Good start from both ends.

.@MichaelVaughan: "Why didn't the planning start four years ago"@Swannyg66: "I'd like to see a lot more honesty about actually how good we are in Australia"

Must-watch England #Ashes discussion with Vaughan, Swann and @BrettLee_58.#ItsTheAshes pic.twitter.com/rELyG72Q2v

11.35pm GMT

47th over: England 93-4 (Bairstow 17, Moeen 0) All the cameras on Joe Root as he runs up the stairs to the England sheds, having just arrived at the ground. Jerusalem belted out by the Barmy Army. Couple of slips, a gully and a catching cover in place. As usual, the Australian quick is right on the money. Bairstow defending and watching. Root has a hospital tag still on his wrist, I can see the on TV. Go you good thing.

11.29pm GMT

Moeen is the new man to the crease. Joining YJB, who resumes on 17. To repeat the news from this morning: Joe Root has been in hospital overnight with severe dehydration, but he’s at the SCG and expected to bat later on. Josh Hazlewood has the ball in his hand from the Paddington End. Play!

11.25pm GMT

It is likely that Joe will bat today. That’s the latest from the England camp. We’re back in five minutes. Before it gets overtaken by events, my bit from last night on the Marsh brothers. I knew that line of commentary from Gerard Whateley would come in handy again at some stage.

The Marsh Brothers earned their big bowl of delicious pudding. SCG day four, @guardian_sport: https://t.co/KQhnB0ZNsn #Ashes pic.twitter.com/PdKoQ0Es3H

11.15pm GMT

Morning! Yes, Geoff is not a well boy. As those who have heard his voice know, when he talks it booms. Today, you can barely hear him. Back to the sick bay. Wish him well.

Speaking of health, the good(ish) news for England is that Joe Root is on his way to the SCG. The England camp have clarified that he will not bat when play resumes in 20 minutes, but the fact that he is here and not hospital is a good development.

"Ricky Ponting has decided it is too hot to wear a helmet today." This was 2002. https://t.co/RDpm1Qi5j1 #Ashes

11.03pm GMT

That’s it for me, I’m going back to my sickbed. I was hoping to push through, for one last hurrah on the Ashes OBO, because I’ve had such fun with you all throughout the series. Signing it off on the last day would have been grand. But medical necessity does not permit sentiment. Adam Collins is luckily on hand to take over from this invalid, and I shall continue back to my Swiss sanatorium. Please direct your correspondence to him. Thanks for reading along the last few weeks. Till next time.

11.01pm GMT

“I would have thought with all England’s support staff, that I assume includes a doctor, fitness trainer, dietician etc, that such an incident would be avoidable. Can’t be pleasant for the guy, hope he recovers quickly,” writes Dave Brown.

I don’t know how avoidable it is when he’s spent almost the whole day on the field. Captain of the bowling side through the worst of the heat, then was out there batting after the quick fall of two wickets. There’s only so much they can do.

10.54pm GMT

Plenty of discussion around now about whether cricket should have a maximum permitted temperature. While the Sydney bureau stations were reading in the 40s, those are the measurements taken in the shade. Anecdotally, the readings in the middle of the SCG yesterday were above 50 degrees. It does seem absurd to ask athletes to perform in those conditions. It seems absurd to ask spectators to sit around in those conditions too. It’s true that cricket already has annoying delays for rain and light, but in the far more dangerous conditions of extreme heat, it’s hard to mount much of an argument against it.

10.36pm GMT

Yes, good morning or other times of day to you all. I’ve been following the middle three days of this Test from my sick bed inside a whorl of fever dreams. I had the distinct thought yesterday that while I’d had an utterly miserable three days, it still wasn’t as bad as the England cricket team’s. Then it turns out that we have actually shared the experience of vomiting and nausea and hospitalisation in Sydney. After being on the field for most of the day in extreme 40+ degree heat, Joe Root got extremely ill overnight with dehydration and went into hospital at 7 this morning. He’s getting IV drips and all that, and a statement will be made later as to whether he’ll take any part to play. Perhaps it will be a Graeme Smith situation, where he’ll only come back later if there’s some chance of saving the match. Or perhaps they’ll just sack it off as a bad lot. This tour has not been kind to England in any way.

5.39am GMT

Geoff will be here shortly. In the meantime, read Paul Farbrace’s comments on the England players here:

England’s planning for their next tour to Australia in four years time must begin as soon as possible following a failed Ashes defence that Paul Farbrace, the assistant coach, conceded has exposed mental frailties among the squad.

An impossibly hot fourth day in Sydney that produced a record high of 47.3C (117.1F) in the city ended with Steve Smith’s hosts on course for a 4-0 series win.

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The trip that turned Rob Cross from pub player to world darts champion | Rob Smyth

In February 2016 Rob Cross drove the 170 miles from Hastings to Norwich – the trip was the first step on the journey that ended with him toppling Phil Taylor

On a good day, the drive from Hastings to Norwich takes around three and half hours. It is approximately 170 miles, most of which is spent on either the A11 or A12. It’s a route that has gone into darts folklore; the journey that turned Rob Cross from pub player to world champion in less than two years.

Cross’s awesome destruction of Phil Taylor in the PDC world championship final can be traced back to that trip in the early hours of Saturday 20 February 2016. He worked as an electrician and played darts occasionally, having given it up for three years in his early 20s to look after his family. He failed to qualify for the 2016 BDO world championship but decided to try the UK Open, described as the FA Cup of darts because of its accessibility to all.

Related: Rob Cross storms to PDC darts title to deny Phil Taylor fairytale finish

Related: Rob Cross beats Phil Taylor 7-2 to win PDC World Darts Championship – as it happened

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Manchester United 0-0 Southampton: Premier League – as it happened

United’s poor form continued with a tame performance in an underwhelming goalless draw against Southampton

7.47pm GMT

Related: Romelu Lukaku injured as Manchester United held by Southampton

7.26pm GMT

Boooooooooooo! United are jeered off after an underwhelming draw, which extends their winless run to four games. They looked ponderous, low on confidence and lacking leadership; Southampton were determined, organised and might have nicked it on the break. Thanks for your company, goodnight!

7.25pm GMT

90+2 min Yoshida makes an excellent sliding tackle to block Martial’s cross, and the resulting corner comes to nothing.

7.23pm GMT

90+1 min There will be three minutes of added time. A loose ball is about to fall for Lingard six yards out when Stephens stretches to make a vital interception.

7.23pm GMT

90 min Hoedt makes a superb block to deny Lingard. He was found in space by Mata, 15 yards from goal, and opened his body to sidefoot towards goal when Hoedt appeared from nowhere.

7.21pm GMT

89 min United are finally putting Southampton under extended pressure, though it’s all a bit desperate.

7.20pm GMT

87 min United have been poor in the second half. They certainly don’t deserve to win the game.

7.18pm GMT

85 min Redmond replaces Boufal for Southampton. We’ve just seen a few replays of Pogba’s disallowed goal. On reflection, the ball might have bounced in off the post without his touch. There was also a slight touch from the keeper McCarthy before it got to Pogba. Does that mean it should have been a new phase of play and Pogba was therefore onside? I lost touch with the offside law sometime in 2004 so I’m not sure.

7.16pm GMT

83 min A dismal header from Lindelof falls for McQueen, who cracks a cross shot well wide.

7.15pm GMT

82 min Lemina on, Tadic off for Southampton.

7.14pm GMT

81 min Pogba has a goal disallowed for offside. He stabbed a deflected shot into the net from two yards after a scramble in the box. It might have sneaked in without his touch, in which case it would have stood, though I suspect it would have rebounded off the post if Pogba had left it.

7.12pm GMT

80 min Ward-Prowse is booked for kicking Lingard in the chest.

7.11pm GMT

79 min Manolo Gabbiadini replaces Shane Long, who has put in his usual lung-busting shift.

7.11pm GMT

78 min Here’s Peter Oh. “Unless Guardiola wins something with Wimbledon FC he won’t fully convince me either.”

Yeah. And let’s see him produce orgiastic football with Beighton Miners Welfare FC.

7.09pm GMT

77 min Martial hares into the area from the left and blunders through a couple of defenders, with the ball running back to Rashford. He tries to place a shot into the far corner and it’s blocked by McQueen.

7.08pm GMT

76 min After a good move involving Boufal and Long, Tadic dribbles a tame shot well wide from 18 yards. Southampton look the likelier scores, with United looking a bit lost.

7.07pm GMT

74 min “’Love him or hate him, you can’t ignore him!’ is a tired old cliche, but it was, for a very long time, true of Jose Mourinho,” says Gary Naylor. “But now? Unless one is invested in Manchester United, he feels totally irrelevant, the spats as predictable as a pantomime villain’s, the football blandly effective to a point, the results trundling along in the middle lane, neither disastrous nor triumphant. He must hate it - at least, I hope so.”

I wonder what the turning point was. I have a vague theory that the experience of managing Real Madrid – the strain of trying to ruin one of the greatest teams of all time, the dressing-room politics, the boardroom politics, the media politics – took away some of his spark. He’s still a bloody good coach, and I think he’ll win the title with United if he’s given time, but he has become so sour.

7.03pm GMT

71 min Boufal’s cross is headed over by Tadic, ten yards from goal. The cross was quite flat, with no pace on it, so it was a tricky header to execute. But the way this game has gone, a Southampton winner would not be a huge shock.

7.02pm GMT

70 min Matic lines one up from 30 yards. Goal kick to Southampton.

7.02pm GMT

68 min “I agree that sometimes, there’s a man, well, he’s the man for his time and place,” says Niall Mullen. “He fits right in there. And that’s Pep, at Manchester City. Nonetheless I don’t think it should be taken as a given that City’s players are light years ahead of United’s. For example if you asked me who had the most talent, Raheem Sterling or Tony Martial I would say Martial every time. Yet Sterling is outperforming him all season. Could be many reasons for this I guess but I’m giving Pep the credit.”

Yep, that’s a fair point. The FA should throw all the money in the world at Guardiola and try to get him involved with England in the next few years, especially as he is already working with a few of the squad. If he can’t change the culture of English football, nobody can. Might even be worth trying to use him as a consultant at the World Cup.

6.59pm GMT

67 min Young’s free-kick deflects off Stephens in the wall and goes a few yards wide of the near post. United make a Horlicks of the corner.

6.58pm GMT

66 min Martial makes an instant impact, winning a free-kick 25 yards from goal.

6.57pm GMT

65 min The inevitable substitution has happened. Anthony Martial replaces poor Henrikh Mkhitaryan, who had a Bebe.

6.56pm GMT

64 min Zlatan isn’t on the bench for United. They could use his leadership now. That’s one of the bigger problems with this team, I think; a lack of leaders. It’s in total contrast to Mourinho’s first Chelsea team.

6.54pm GMT

63 min “You said if Guardiola wants to go down as the greatest manager of all time, he needs to win something with Rushden & Diamonds,” says Mike Baldwin. “He’d would be, indeed. Seeing as the mighty Diamonds folded a few years back.”

Typical Guardian ignorance of the lower leagues.

6.54pm GMT

62 min Pogba sprays another crossfield pass out to Mkhitaryan, who wallops a cross out for a goalkick and is helpfully jeered by the crowd. Poor bloke; his confidence is shot.

6.52pm GMT

60 min Lingard is booked for a lunge at Stephens.

6.52pm GMT

60 min “Now that we’re all competing for coldest temperature, you can tell Rachel and Kevin that Saskatoon is sitting pretty at -29C, feeling like -44C,” says Kristina Holm. “That makes us colder than both Poles. Too bad this game isn’t warming the cockles of my heart.”

6.51pm GMT

59 min Ashley Young may be in trouble after the game, with a video showing him plant an elbow in the stomach of Tadic off the ball. That has potential for a retrospective three-match ban, which will really please Jose Mourinho.

6.50pm GMT

58 min Boufal is booked for repeat offending.

6.46pm GMT

54 min “Re your exchange with Gerry Scott @32 min, do you think Spurs will be able to hang together for as long as it takes for Levy to start writing proper checks?” says Ron Stack. “I think Spurs have a plan the way City have a plan, but they haven’t spent near enough to make it happen and it seems like time is running out. Your thoughts?”

No. I would love them to win a big trophy but I don’t think it will happen. The FA Cup, maybe. I suspect they have – at most – 18 months before the team starts to break up. They’ll become a romantic ‘what if’ team, like Yugoslavia 1992, Newcastle 1996, Denmark 1986 and the rest.

6.45pm GMT

53 min Southampton could win this. United look a bit short on confidence and leadership. I don’t think it’ll be long before we see Anthony Martial.

6.44pm GMT

52 min “Evening Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “The darts is dead to me now that Gary Anderson is out, but a Taylor - Van Gerwen final would be, how to say ... competitive? And a great story whichever way you look at it.”

Don’t get me started on that. I’ve kept really quiet…

6.43pm GMT

50 min De Gea makes another good save! Ward-Prowse curled a precise low ball into the box from the right, and Long got in front of Matic to stab a first-time shot towards goal. It flew towards De Gea, who thrust out his right foot to kick the ball over his own bar.

6.41pm GMT

49 min “In comparing Guardiola & Mourinho I think the real question is what would each do with the other’s set of players,” says Niall Mullen. “My suspicion is that Mourinho would not get half the tune Pep has out of Sterling & Sane (say) while I imagine Martial, Mkhitaryan & Rashford being considerably better under Guardiola.”

What about the other 20 players? Guardiola has redefined football but he has always had elite players. Guardiola reaches greater heights; Mourinho is a superior all-weather manager. In my opinion, if Guardiola wants to go down as the greatest manager of all time, he needs to win something with Rushden & Diamonds.

6.40pm GMT

48 min The impressive Boufal plays a good ball down the left to McQueen, whose first-time cross is put behind by Lindelof.

6.38pm GMT

47 min “Tell Rachel that -7C sounds quite balmy at the moment,” says Kevin Smith, “as Ottawa is a lovely -18C, feels like -26. Good weather for a walk if you ask me.”

6.37pm GMT

46 min United begin the second half. No substitutions on either side.

6.32pm GMT

“Hi, Rob,” says Adam Griffiths. “I’ve no emotional involvement in this game (apart from hoping that Lukaku is ok, obviously) so nothing to say about it, but here’s thanking you and your fellow MBMers for all your sterling work this year and a merry new year to you all and to all the readers/emaileriners. May the football gods be kind to you all next year.”

Well isn’t that nice? Thanks Adam! And have some of that, digital ne’er-do-wells!

6.23pm GMT

Half-time viewing

Related: The best goals of 2017, from a Carroll cracker to a non-league nod to Bergkamp

6.22pm GMT

Peep peep! That was a poor half with a few good bits. Jose Mourinho is moaning at the fourth official as they walk towards the tunnel. See you in 15 minutes for the second half.

6.21pm GMT

45+5 min It’s gone a bit flat. Boufal looks lively on the break for Southampton, as do Pogba and Rashford for United. Neither side deserves to be ahead.

6.19pm GMT

45+3 min “You mentioned the winter of 1989,” says Gordon Pittendrigh. “As the last chart of 1989 had Live Aid 2 at number one, Jive Bunny at number 2, Jason Donovan at number three and Andy Stewart at number four with Donald Where’s You’re Trousers, I don’t think we need to mention that period of time again.”

Yeah, but Phil Collins had just released Another Day In Paradise, so it’s swings and roundabouts.

6.16pm GMT

45+1 min There will be six minutes off added time. Matic’s low drive from 20 yards is comfortably saved by McCarthy.

6.15pm GMT

45 min Hoedt is booked for something or other.

6.15pm GMT

44 min That’s better from Mkhitaryan, a fast cross from the left that is flicked just wide by the head of Lingard. He probably should have hit the target as well. The move started with a majestic crossfield pass from Pogba, who is starting to influence the match.

6.12pm GMT

41 min Des Kelly, BT Sport’s Touchline Man, says there are no plans to take Lukaku to hospital. Whether he’ll be allowed to play at Everton on New Year’s Day, I don’t know.

6.11pm GMT

40 min “Hello from a very snowy and cold New York,” says Rachel Clifton. “It’s -7C here - -13 with wind chill - so that’s a good reason to stay in and watch Saints and eat Thai red curry. Am increasingly concerned about Is getting relegated this season...”

Yeah, but you on the plus side, you live in New York.

6.09pm GMT

39 min Chris Foy on BT Sport says the referee was right not to give a penalty against Yoshida because it wasn’t deliberate. I’ve never understood that - hardly any penalties given for handball are deliberate.

6.08pm GMT

38 min Matic splats one into orbit from 35 yards.

6.05pm GMT

35 min It’s a good game, this. Rashford looks really sharp in his favourite position of centre-forward.

6.05pm GMT

33 min United have a huge penalty appeal turned down. Lingard did brilliantly to first kill and then juggle Pogba’s dinked pass into the area. He tried to flick it away from the covering Yoshida, whose outstretched hand definitely touched the ball. Southampton will say it wasn’t deliberate; United will say his hands were where they shouldn’t have been.

6.03pm GMT

32 min “Good evening Rob,” says Gerry Scott. “Having initially scoffed I’ve become more sympathetic to Mourinho’s position about funds. Surely the real problem isn’t the amount he has spent versus Pep but rather the fact that City have been building their squad for years with some degree of planning and consistency whilst Utd have splurged huge sums post Ferguson with no particular rhyme or reason. What is needed is someone to actively build a squad with a consistent vision of how they will play and it is not ridiculous in the current climate to suppose it will take hundreds of millions of pounds. Of course the question of whether Mourinho is the right person to do so is another one entirely.”

Yep, I agree with every word. Guardiola inherited a far better squad but also, as you say, a philosophically consistent one. Mourinho inherit a hodgepodge that had every type of footballer from Daley Blind to Marouane Fellaini. I think the job is bigger than Mourinho realised.

6.00pm GMT

30 min Another chance for United. Young reminds everyone that he used to be a winger with a superb run and cross that is headed wide from six yards by Rashford. He couldn’t quite get over the ball to direct it towards goal.

5.58pm GMT

27 min Lindelof clips a good pass over the top for Rashford, who tries to make space for a shot but is crowded out. The ball runs loose to Mata, whose low sidefooted shot from 15 yards is kicked away by McCarthy.

5.56pm GMT

26 min Hojbjerg is booked for a foul on Shaw.

5.56pm GMT

25 min The atmosphere is sluggish and flat, as are United. Mkhitaryan looks particularly rusty. After a cautious start, Southampton are starting to fancy this.

5.54pm GMT

22 min Hoedt misses a superb chance to give Southampton the lead. Ward-Prowse curled a superb cornber from the right that dipped onto the head of Hoedt, who had the run on Matic on the six-yard line. He should have thumped a header past De Gea but allowed it to skim off his forehead and it drifted well wide of the far post.

5.52pm GMT

21 min “Hi Rob,” says Alex Netherton. “I was just wondering, what is your favourite pre-assist of 2017? I know there are so many to choose from!”

Are we talking all pre-assists or just half-space ones?

5.50pm GMT

20 min United, led by Rashford, break thrillingly from a Southampton corner. Rashford plays the ball left to Mkhitaryan, who makes a mess of his attempted return pass.

5.49pm GMT

18 min Long harasses Lindelof, who gives away a foul just outside the area on the left. Ward-Prowse might go for goal here. He does, whipping it over the wall towards the near post, and De Gea punches it behind for a corner.

5.46pm GMT

16 min Shaw plays a one-two with Mkhitaryan and flashes a superb cross along the six-yard line. Rashford just couldn’t get there.

5.45pm GMT

14 min “What a sad slump United is in the middle of,” says Geertjan Wielenga.

I know. Three games without a win. It’s like the winter of 1989 all over again!

5.44pm GMT

13 min Lukaku has an oxygen mask on as he is stretchered from the field. Marcus Rashford replaces him.

5.42pm GMT

12 min This is a long delay, almost five minutes now. The medical staff are being extremely careful with Lukaku.

5.41pm GMT

10 min Anyone out there?

5.41pm GMT

9 min Lukaku is being eased onto a stretcher. He’s conscious but looks pretty dazed and won’t be taking any further part in this game.

5.40pm GMT

8 min Lukaku is flat on his back after a clash of heads with Hoedt. I’m not sure he’ll be able to continute.

5.39pm GMT

7 min De Gea makes an excellent save! Boufal’s cutback from the right of the box wasn’t cleared by Shaw, a poor piece of defending, and ran to Ward-Prowse. He clipped a low left-footed shot that would have sneaked into the corner but for a superb save down to his left by De Gea. Boufal tried to follow up but he was offside.

5.34pm GMT

4 min Lukaku misses a sitter. Pogba’s flat crossfield pass was controlled beautifully by Mata, who moved the ball onto his left and crossed towards the near post. Lukaku got away from Yoshida and headed over from six yards. He should have scored.

5.33pm GMT

4 min “Good Lord your body clock must be a mess Rob,” says Hubert O’Hearn. “Up all night with the Ashes now back in the evening for the football. Are you going to try for the treble and cover the darts too?”

Don’t give The Man ideas.

5.32pm GMT

3 min A slow start, with precisely nothing to report.

5.30pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! Southampton, in their black and blue away kit, kick off.

5.18pm GMT

“Remember when is the lowest form of conversation”

4.39pm GMT

There’s plenty happening in the 3pm games. You can get the latest news with the man who gives me surname envy, Gregg Bakowski.

Related: Liverpool v Leicester, Chelsea v Stoke and more: Premier League – live!

4.34pm GMT

Henrikh Mkhitaryan starts for the first time since the defeat at Chelsea on 5 November. Luke Shaw starts consecutive league games for the first time since September 2016.

Southampton have dropped Fraser Forster and Nathan Redmond. In a World Cup year!

8.33am GMT

Hello. Happy new year! Manchester United will sure be glad to see the back of 2017. It’s been an utterly miserable year, if you discount the two trophies, the 39 wins, the 117 goals and the return to the Champions League.

I know it’s a bit more complicated than that but, jeez, football fans are a bloody tough crowd. In this age of entitlement, even the neutrals have unrealistic expectations. No wonder Jose Mourinho has the look of a man whose face has been permanently soured.

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Ashes 2017-18: Australia v England fourth Test, day four – as it happened

Alastair Cook becomes the first man to carry his bat in an MCG Test
Australia end a rain-affected day on 103 for two, 61 runs behind

6.18am GMT

That’s all, folks. It’s a frustrating scene for England, though I’m sure they’ll return with bushy tails in the morning. Australia will be equally optimistic that David Warner and Steve Smith can continue their excellent defensive performance and secure a draw. They will resume tomorrow morning on 103 for two, still 61 runs behind. Thanks for your company, goodnight!

Related: Rain puts paid to attritional day of Ashes cricket at MCG

6.17am GMT

“Hang on, Guy Hornsby,” says Sarah Bacon. “Nowt to be sniffed at, gin-wise, when one is an Aussie living in England, and up at sparrow’s in arctic temps to watch this thing. Seeing as we’ve already had our wins, may as well partake of gins! Bed beckons, but I’ll see this Test match through if it kills me. (It won’t.)”

6.06am GMT

“My dad is from Australia, but I grew up in the US,” says Anna Morgenstern. “I remember watching fuzzy-looking cricket matches on UHF with him, and him explaining the game to me. Watching the innings from Cook, it all clicked for me. How the strategy works, why partnerships matter, why you hit the shots a certain way, why you bowl wide of the stumps sometimes, and right at them other times, etc. So in addition to it being an all-time-great knock, there’s that. Kind of a clinic of how Test cricket should be played.”

Amen to that, though it was arguably a clinic on how Test cricket used to be played.

6.05am GMT

Still no official announcement. But there won’t be any more play today. You have my word.

Meanwhile, I’ve passed some time by putting together an end-of-year list of my best articles from 2017. Enjoy:

5.59am GMT

England win! Sort of “Is it too English,” begins Ian Forth, “to point out that, while the rain has lessened the chances of England winning, it has at least ruled out a whitewash?”

5.54am GMT

“There’s something oddly poetic about rain coming at this point, a Test too late, to help Australia to save a game they care far less about (unless your first name is Glenn),” says Guy Hornsby. “Which begs the question: why are any of us still even emailing in? Because it’s email or gin, and I’m not really in the mood for the latter before 6am when I’ve been to bed. Cricket does this to you.”

5.53am GMT

While we wait for play to be abandoned, the BT Sport team are talking about allegations of ball-tampering against Jimmy Anderson earlier in the day. Graeme Swann and Michael Vaughan reckon there’s nothing in it, that Anderson was pushing the leather back down rather than scratching the ball. The footage suggests that was the indeed the case, though I’m sure we’ll hear more about it, particularly from the faux outrage clowns.

There are also grave allegations that Joe Root ate a sweet.

5.41am GMT

“Inspection at 4.30 with a view to starting at 4.45”
Reality at 4.39: pic.twitter.com/kaHVJ12lWh

5.40am GMT

“In the ground,” says Alastair Haigh. “The rain’s getting heavier not better. Not going to happen...”

The forecast is better for tomorrow, with 98 overs to be bowled. England still have a decent chance of winning the match, certainly if the ball continues to reverse.

5.37am GMT

It’s raining again. Go to the Health Freak Cafe. Go back to bed. Just go somewhere, there’s nothing to see here.

5.35am GMT

Rain delays make me want to smoke crack The outfield is still wet, so I don’t think play will be resuming at 4.45pm local time as planned.

5.33am GMT

Effing ‘Ell It’s Neil Stork-Brett!

“You go away for a few years, and then come back and see all the county pros like Starbuck, Naylor etc are still plugging away. I like to think of myself as the young tearaway whose promising career was cruelly cut short by injury. But in truth, I am Martin McCague.”

5.19am GMT

The umpires to reinspect at 16:30 with the aim of recommencing at 16:45. The current concern is the surface water on the outfield.

5.19am GMT

Even if there’s no more play today, England will fancy their chances of winning the match tomorrow. They would probably have around 70 overs to bowl Australia out, unless the scoring rate increases significantly.

5.16am GMT

There will be an inspection in 15 minutes, at 4.30pm local time. But my sources in Melbourne tell me more rain is on the way. No, I don’t actually have any sources in Melbourne.

5.13am GMT

Stopped raining at the MCG and covers slowly being removed

5.09am GMT

“Hi Rob,” says Ian Forth. “The wheel comes full circle. There was a match recently between England and India where 21 of the 22 players had scored a first class hundred. But younger (and older) readers might like to be reminded that while English bowlers of the 70s, 80s and 90s had forgotten how to bat, in 1903-04 Wilfred Rhodes started at number 11 in an MCC team that would all end their careers scoring at least 16 first class hundreds. In fact, rather like England’s tail yesterday, he accompanied RE ‘Tip’ Foster in England’s first-ever tenth wicket century stand while Foster proceeded to score his 287 at the SCG. Rhodes eventually retired having scored 58 first-class hundreds, including two as Test opener.”

4.55am GMT

Get in there Jos!

Good session ahead of the next game of @BBL. for 15% off @MyProteinUK use code BUTTLER >> https://t.co/11VnBdRByr pic.twitter.com/R4GGaFg1ch

4.55am GMT

“I read the first part of Adrian Hex’s email as ‘When it comes to carrying your hat’,” says Ian Copestake. I was decidedly confused from thereon after.”

Say what?

4.48am GMT

It looks like that might be it for the day, though I’m sure the umpires will give it at least another hour or so.

This rain looks set in for the afternoon unfortunately ☔️☔️☔️☔️ pic.twitter.com/NOtdMIfxbV

4.47am GMT

“I’m currently at the MCG and it’s several degrees heavier than ‘a touch of mizzle’,” says Kat Petersen. “I’m cold and I want to go home. Or maybe just to Sydney where it’s currently a sunny 27 degrees.”

It’s currently minus one in Orkney, but the precipitation is nought per cent. I think I know who’s winning.

Weather? Melbourne radar: https://t.co/5PK8GQYxun.
Play resumption? Updates from @CricketAus as they come to hand.
Day 5 arrangements? We'll have arrangements to share later in the day!

4.44am GMT

“Morning Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “Saw my first panda, Jiao Qing, at Berlin zoo earlier this year. Sat on a kind of throne with legs wide open and eating bamboo while being photographed by tourists. The panda that is, not me. Apparently they have tiny penises. I think there’s a joke about Mr Botham or Mrs Thatcher in there somewhere, but I’m damned if I can think of it at this time in the morning.”

You need some Sudafed and gin with your morning coffee. It really gets the creative juices flowing.

4.43am GMT

“When it comes to carrying your bat, does it make a difference if you are the No1 or 2 batsman?” says Adrian Hex. “Mike Atherton didn’t face the first ball against New Zealand in 1997 as he was the No2.”

Nope, no difference at all. All that matters is that you open the batting, bat through the whole innings and are not out when the 10th wicket falls.

4.40am GMT

Apologies for the radio silence: I was distracted by KP’s luggage woes. No news is bad news. The covers are still on, with little hope of an imminent resumption.

4.27am GMT

“I can sympathise with England’s reaction to the ‘rain’ that has sent the players from the field,” says Sarah Bacon. “Pfft. Looks no worse than a touch of mizzle to me! Since my little corner of Warwickshire is experiencing actual chunks of ice leaking from the sky (too cold for snow, perhaps? No matter: there’s enough of that on the ground from three days’ back). Anyhoo, just keep playing, I say. Dash that rotten-looking cherry down and take some wickets! Do it for England! Disclaimer: Sudafed ‘night’ pills are really good when ingested with a combo of coffee and gin. Just saying.”

Legal disclaimer: The Guardian does not advocate getting paggered on decongestants, caffeine and 41.4% ABV Juniper Drink in the small hours.

4.26am GMT

This will be a longer break, with no sign of the covers coming off.

4.21am GMT

“The item about the Icelandic Museum reminded me that, when I was a child, I was impressed to read in the Guinness Book of Records that the skin of the penis of the rorqual whale was used for making golf bags,” says Kim Thonger. “Doesn’t Sir Ian Botham play golf by the way?”

4.03am GMT

43.5 overs: Australia 103-2 (Warner 40, Smith 25) That’s a stunning shot from Smith, who drives Woakes between short extra cover and mid-off for four. The placement was perfect. England are unhappy with the ball, which has become wet and is reversing less as a consequence. Joe Root tries to get it changed, with precisely no success.

The umpires have decided the rain is heavy enough for the players to leave the field. England aren’t much impressed with that either, but there’s precisely bugger all they can do about it.

3.58am GMT

43rd over: Australia 97-2 (Warner 39, Smith 20) It has started to rain again, though it’s pretty light. Warner, duped by Curran’s slower ball, drags an attempted pull stroke onto his back leg. Another maiden from Curran, who has been impressively economical on his debut. Warner has 39 from 139 balls, Smith 20 from 63.

“I had only just read the article (not about penises) about Thatcher and her fear of pandas, when one appeared in the crowd!” says Ian Copestake. “Is this some sort of product placement? Does the internet want to make me think I now fear Pandas as I did Thatcher? Is there a new cream available?”

3.53am GMT

42nd over: Australia 97-2 (Warner 39, Smith 20) Warner, trying to turn Woakes to leg, gets a leading edge that loops tantalisingly over the leaping Anderson at midwicket. Warner has had a few scares in the short period since the rain break, particularly against Woakes.

3.50am GMT

41st over: Australia 92-2 (Warner 36, Smith 18) Warner gets Australia going, flick-pulling Curran nonchalantly over midwicket for four. He was out playing a similar shot in the first Test - and off a no-ball in the first innings of this game - but he nailed that one.

“Rob,” says John Starbuck. “In acknowledgement of Mac Millings providing a list of cricket-related carols the other day, here is a link he might want to follow up: The Icelandic Phallological Museum is probably the only museum in the world to contain a collection of phallic specimens belonging to all the various types of mammal ...”

3.44am GMT

40th over: Australia 86-2 (Warner 32, Smith 16) This is easily the slowest innings of Warner’s Test career, when he has faced at least 100 balls. He just manages to dig out another excellent reverse-swinging yorker from Woakes, who is bowling beautifully. It’s another maiden. Australia haven’t scored a run in the 3.4 overs since play resumed.

3.40am GMT

39th over: Australia 86-2 (Warner 32, Smith 16) Smith berates himself for failing to punish a short ball from Curran. At least he didn’t drag it onto the stumps. The next ball is a slower one that forces Smith to abort his attacking stroke. Another maiden.

3.37am GMT

38th over: Australia 86-2 (Warner 32, Smith 16) Woakes almost slips a full inswinger through Warner, who falls over towards the off side but manages to get his bat down at the last minute. It’s a maiden from Woakes. This is excellent stuff from England, similar to their approach at the MCG seven years ago.

“Wotcha, Rob,” says Mac Millings. “I saw an article on the Guardian site yesterday, and I had a couple of questions before I clicked. It’s called ‘Me and My Penis: 100 Men Reveal All’. Is it just a gallery? If so, is it all one hundred at once, or can I take my time?”

3.32am GMT

37th over: Australia 86-2 (Warner 32, Smith 16) Curran has four balls left in his eighth over. Smith defends each and every one of them. The fact he has to do so is a reflection of how straight Curran and England are bowling.

“Loving the idea of Warner plodding along (such things are relative),” says Robert Wilson. “Does he look different? Of course, a certain kind of unmacho-but-Churchillian knock from him now would really mean that he’s got it all. And would make me long to hear his views on Art Deco, transubstantiation and transgender bathroom rights. I first captured Geoff Lemon’s heart with a deeply felt screed about how much I hated how wistful I would be when Warner retired. More and more, I’m thinking, he’ll be an interesting figure when he does. A Ricky Ponting plus. What is this faintly sagelike development infecting the old-school ocker strain? Is nothing sacred?”

3.24am GMT

Play will resume at 2.30pm local time, which gives me precisely six minutes to get a coffee. See you in a bit.

3.20am GMT

“I looked at the list of who’s batted on all five days and checked Boycott’s stint at Nottingham,” says John Burton. “I haven’t forgotten the days of England’s tail having bowlers who appeared unsure of what a bat was for, but I didn’t expect to see three of them preceded at #8 by Botham - behind Miller and Knott. That I had forgotten.”

Yes, me too. I thought he was always at No7 or higher once he reached Test level. A few superb batsmen started their careers in the bottom four – Smith, Sobers, Pietersen, Shastri.

3.15am GMT

Thanks Adam, morning everyone. Let’s proceed straight to the sleepless mind of Gary Naylor.

“I guess it’s an impossible question even for Statsguru, but has there ever been a series in which two batsmen have spent such a large proportion of a team’s batting time at the crease? It feels like Warner or Smith (or both) have been at one end or other for every England delivery since day one in Brisbane.”

3.06am GMT

A good time to handball to Rob Smyth. Thanks for your great chat today. If we were on a first date, I’d definitely want to do it again. So, how’s about it tomorrow? Till then, be well.

3.03am GMT

Sorry, England fans. It isn’t heavy. But it has arrived two balls into Curran’s fresh over.

3.02am GMT

36th over: Australia 85-2 (Warner 31, Smith 16) Smith slipping into the Warner slipstream now, very happy pushing the ball around. On another day you can imagine Smith launching into a couple of Woakes’ fuller offerings here, but they have a job to do.

Cook's innings was a mighty accomplishment and deserved enormous praise.
But inevitably I think he would feel even more satisfied if it happened when the series was alive, as a footballer would be happier scoring a hat trick in a winning team.
Fair?

2.59am GMT

35th over: Australia 85-2 (Warner 31, Smith 16) Curran pretty good again. No real pac on the ball, but keeping Warner in check after Smith gets off strike behind square again.

2.57am GMT

34th over: Australia 84-2 (Warner 31, Smith 15) It is cold at the MCG. Rain surely going to play a role between now and stumps this evening. Woakes now, after Anderson’s super spell. On Smith’s pads to begin. Then Warner takes one to the sweeper there at cover. Not sure why there is one of those. Anyway. Smith again goes fine to finish. Not quite as potent now with Jimmy and Broad both having a rest.

2.52am GMT

33rd over: Australia 81-2 (Warner 30, Smith 13) Better from Curran. Warner patient again, happy enough to push the ball to the fielders rather than bashing it past them. Nice straight line from the man on debut. Handy bounce with his final ball, too. Maiden.

“David Warner (and Steve Smith) batting with commendable restraint and giving the lie to the simplistic idea that he can only bat in fifth gear,” emails Brian Withington. True, that. A lot more to his game than people choose to believe.

Glenn Maxwell had a stint in the @abcgrandstand commentary box, speaking honestly and with great insight about his Baggy Green dreams, the technical changes he has made this summer and the battle he faces to change public perception. #Asheshttps://t.co/IK016vLunX

2.46am GMT

32nd over: Australia 81-2 (Warner 30, Smith 13) Anderson goes again. But to Smith this time. The Aussie skipper takes the first runs off the England stud from the second last ball of the set, forcing through backward point. Nice timing. Anderson bumps Warner! Not handled that well either, but down behind square for one.

2.42am GMT

31st over: Australia 77-2 (Warner 29, Smith 10) Curran replacing Broad and gives up the first run in about four overs with his second ball, Smith tucking him square. Warner defending, watching, defending watching. 100 balls faced and yet to make 30. Raise your bat for the Cowan Ton, you good thing.

Geoff next to me telling me that as far as scores above single figures go, the only slower innings he has played is 14 from 60 balls in the evening session at Adelaide earlier this series. Nice statting, Geoffers. I’m definitely going to be writing about this at stumps.

This is currently Warner's slowest innings of 100 or more balls in Tests. His run rate is 1.72 runs per over, his next slowest innings of this length was back in 2012 against West Indies #Ashes

2.36am GMT

30th over: Australia 76-2 (Warner 29, Smith 9) Fantastic cricket. Might be nearing the end of this Anderson spell, but he’s playing his role here to Warner. Absolutely nothing offered. Making Warner play throughout, but no chance to do anything other than defend. Three maidens on the spin from him since lunch. Warner nearing his Cowan ton (100 balls faced).

2.34am GMT

29th over: Australia 76-2 (Warner 29, Smith 9) Broad’s turn to pin Smith down. So many maidens. By comparison, England delivered only five of those on day three at Perth. Smith is trying to drive through the packed 7-2 field, but finding fielders.

2.29am GMT

28th over: Australia 76-2 (Warner 29, Smith 9) Maiden again from Anderson to Warner. Again, defending more than leaving. Putting in a real shift, is Warner. Great to watch. As Jim Maxwell notes on ABC, we are watching Australia’s two best batsmen against the number one seamer in the world. Well worth a visit if you are in Melbourne and having a quiet day. Ample room - couldn’t be more than, say, 27,248 here right now.

“Hi Adam.” Good afternoon to you, Kate Chambers. “Enjoying yours and Rob’s blogs during the game. Watching the Test, reading the ABC and Guardian blogs and I missed the link to Vic Marks’ possible interview mentioned yesterday during lunch. Can you send me the link?”

2.22am GMT

27th over: Australia 76-2 (Warner 29, Smith 9) Shoooot. The familiar Steve Smith off-drive from Perth. There it is. The way he shuffles, somehow finds extra time other players have once finally set in position. Lashes that down the ground. No need to run for that. Drives through cover again when Broad overpitches, for one. Then Warner takes him to mid-on for another. Good batting. They could do worse than putting England under a little bit of scoreboard pressure in this first hour. If these two are still there when the deficit is knocked off then it could be a different game.

“Thanks for a fascinating OBO.” Aw, thanks Thida Aung. “Helps visualize a match I used to watch on TV. I love England in other sports but support Australia in cricket. Have done so ever since that summer at Leeds when I first deciphered the game while writing a thesis. (My thesis suffered but I had a lot out of my first Ashes.)“ Great to have you with us.

2.17am GMT

26th over: Australia 70-2 (Warner 28, Smith 4) Anderson to Warner. Enjoyed their little stoush before lunch. He’s round the wicket to him again from the southern end. Uses his bat in defence to five of the six deliveries. They’re keeping him honest. Hard graft. Good cricket. Another maiden. 28 from 85 balls - perhaps his slowest strike-rate in Test cricket? Or in any innings he’s ever played since birth?

2.14am GMT

Some emails before the players return.

“What a shame that Jimmy’s dismissal of Khawaja occurred just after Geoffrey Boycott had thrilled us with his incessant complaining about Anderson bowling round the wicket to the left handers,” writes Brian Withington. “What does the Burnley man know about bowling?” Very good.

1.35am GMT

25th over: Australia 70-2 (Warner 28, Smith 4) Broad has the last over before the break. It’s a maiden to Smith. But so close to having the captain with the penultimate delivery, attempting a lavish drive on the up without a lot of footwork. We don’t see that very often from the Aussie superstar, just before an interval too. Lunch it is.

So, after picking up Anderson with the first ball of the day to end England’s innings (Cook carrying his bat with 244 not out), Australia have lost Bancroft and Khawaja as they work to eliminate their 164-run first innings deficit. The former looked fantastic before chopping on, but he won’t escape plenty of people questioning whether he’s the right man for the South African tour in March. It’s a tough business like that.

1.32am GMT

24th over: Australia 70-2 (Warner 28, Smith 4) Ticking it over again in this over, scoring from four of the six balls in this Anderson set. Smith busy, to fine leg a couple of times, racing back for a second when the chance was there. Then through the gap at cover. One to come before lunch.

Geoff is angry about people slagging off Cook’s achievement. Truth told, he’ll probably never be respected in Australia. Not the way he should be. Just the way it is.

I guess Statsguru needs a 'dead rubber' filter, so we can get rid of all those wickets and runs that apparently don't count.

1.29am GMT

23rd over: Australia 65-2 (Warner 27, Smith 0) Broad to Warner. Defending well. Leaving when he should. Warner has faced 77 balls for his 27 now. Really knows how to shift gears these days. He’ll know how important it is to be there for a good few hours yet. Another maiden.

1.24am GMT

22nd over: Australia 65-2 (Warner 27, Smith 0) Australia still trail by 99 as the captain joins his deputy. The Barmy Army are up and about. They were last night too. I went along to watch Shakerfaker, Australia’s best Oasis tribute band (I have to say that, they’re mates of mine, but they are superb) and the Barmies were there in force. Mostly singing about Alastair Cook, which I quite enjoyed (and joined in with). Smith has to defend four of the five remanining deliveries, Jimmy attacking his stumps from the get-go. Wicket maiden. Ten minutes until the lunch break. If they can sort one of these two out before sandwiches, Joe Root’s men should be just about over the line.

Vish has written thousands (and thousands, and thousands) of words on reverse swing after interviewing scores of experts on it. That context to his tweet here.

There is literally no point in tampering with the middle of the ball for reverse swing.

Slows it down through the air which reduces its effectiveness. https://t.co/SqoE2YXsNK

1.17am GMT

Edged, gone! First ball of Jimmy’s new over forces Khawaja to play around the wicket, it straightens just enough to win the edge, safely taken by Bairstow. Watching again, it hasn’t done an awful lot. Just played the wrong line. “Maybe just a hint of reverse?” Glenn Maxwell asks on the radio commentary. Dare I say, some pressure on Usman? 162 runs at 27 so far this summer, in six hits.

1.15am GMT

21st over: Australia 65-1 (Warner 27, Khawaja 11) Moeen off after three overs. Hmm. Stu Broad is back. Beats Usman! That’s moved away from the edge. Here comes that reverse, I reckon. Warner watches carefully later in the over. Has a big job ahead of him here.

#AUSvENG #Ashes @mcg Usman Khawaja gets off the mark with a six off the bowling Moeen Ali @theagesport @theage pic.twitter.com/L6hxHPUZRD

1.12am GMT

20th over: Australia 64-1 (Warner 27, Khawaja 10) Jimmy v Warner. That’s a heavyweight battle. Warner still unable to find gaps when using his bat. Elects to leave a couple, relatively close to his off-stump. Nice scrap between the two.

David Goodman hits me with some more marathon stays in the middle. “Not quite the same as being on the pitch for every ball of the game, but there is another interesting list of players who have managed to bat on all five days of a test. Boycott makes that list as well, and the most recent entrant is Pujara last month.”

1.09am GMT

19th over: Australia 64-1 (Warner 27, Khawaja 10) A third double-digit over of the innings as Usman goes bang, bang! Gets himself down the strip to Moeen and unfurls a lofted straight drive for SIX! Beautifully executed, the ball landing in the members at long-off. An even better stroke to finish, driving the off-spinner inside out through extra cover. Gorgeous batting. And what sort of dent will that leave in Moeen’s confidence?

1.07am GMT

18th over: Australia 53-1 (Warner 26, Khawaja 0) Jimmy is back, replacing Woakes who has just taken a wicket. They must want their numero at Khawaja before he’s set. He’s bowling to Warner here to begin. Defending, leaving. Then beats him! Great bowling. Is that some reverse? Definitely moved away after angling in from round the wicket.

John Davis is having himself a deep dive. “Following an anniversary reminder on a social media site that today is (UK time) the seventh anniversary of England winning the Ashes in Australia and then following links, I ended up re-reading the over-by-over coverage of the horrible day when the spot-fixing case erupted - and, as a by-product, took away the glory from a stand that should have been celebrated forn decades. Although this saddened me again, it was nice that it brought into focus that this series has been all about the cricket - and in its quiet way that is something to celebrate. Thanks for all the hard work that goes into the updates.”

1.00am GMT

17th over: Australia 52-1 (Warner 25, Khawaja 0) Warner drives Moeen down the ground for one. Khawaja hits a couple of pushes nicely, but straight to fielders.

“That chat between Root and Ravi put me in the mind of some indulgent grandfather grinning at his grandson’s tales of mischief,” emails Aditi Capam. If they can get it reversing sooner rather than later, Root won’t mind a bit of a telling off. All part of it.

12.58am GMT

16th over: Australia 51-1 (Warner 24, Khawaja 0) Was that a bit of booing I detected as Usman walked out? Hard to tell. Maybe related to the catch late yesterday? Anyway, he’s out there now and sees out the over without using his bat.

Cameron Bancroft chops on, gone for 27. Is he playing for a ticket to South Africa in Sydney? #ashes

12.54am GMT

Another chop on! The ball after Bancroft lashes a gorgeous on-driven boundary to bring up the 50 stand he’s one deflected back onto his stumps. Not playing a vertical bat shot the way his three team-mates fell on morning two, but the result is the same.

12.52am GMT

15th over: Australia 47-0 (Bancroft 23, Warner 24) Moeen on for a bowl. Not a great setting for him really. Good luck. Three singles down the ground. No issues there.

12.50am GMT

14th over: Australia 44-0 (Bancroft 21, Warner 23) Maiden from Woakes to Warner. He’s stroking the ball well enough, but just can’t pick the gaps. Yet more chatting with the officials. Umpire Dharmasena this time having a word to Woakes at the end of his set. Colour and movement.

“What is wrong in throwing the ball short of the keeper or having a shy at the stumps?” poses Sachin Paul. “It’s not against the laws of the game and the custodians of the laws (not spirit) , the umpires, have no grounds to talk to Root.”

12.46am GMT

13th over: Australia 44-0 (Bancroft 21, Warner 23) Big over for Australia. Curran into his fourth over and serves up Warner an overpitched delivery, the punchy vice-captain doesn’t miss out cover driving to the boundary. Bancroft’s turn later in the over, picking up a couple through cover. Didn’t have a lot of room there, did it well. Leaves the best to last, leaning into his second stellar straight drive of the morning. The West Australian looks on here. Drinks. Umpire Ravi at the break has a chat to Joe Root. Presumably another word about the way they are throwing the ball in from the deep. Naughty.

12.40am GMT

12th over: Australia 33-0 (Bancroft 15, Warner 18) Woakes drags his length back a bit here. Was far more dangerous when he kept it up on day one. When he does give Warner a chance to get on the front foot he pushes between cover and mid-off but they can’t quite work out who is going for it, beating them both. Three added.

Fair bit of chat online about the ball. I’m just going to leave this tweet here without comment for now.

"That's interesting, you can't get your nail into the ball..." - Slats. AUS 0/30 #Ashes pic.twitter.com/gGyOmXQWEn

12.35am GMT

11th over: Australia 30-0 (Bancroft 15, Warner 15) Umpires aren’t happy with England throwing in on the bounce. Can’t imagine it’ll stop them. Nice cut shot from Bancroft off Curran, who is looking the better of the two in the middle at the moment. Certainly wasn’t the case on Boxing Day. Warner keeps the strike with a single to mid-off.

My man Johnny Starbuck has more to add on being out there for a full match. “I thought this question had come up a few months ago. Turns out (according to TMS) that Cookie has already done it, at Edgbaston.”

12.29am GMT

10th over: Australia 26-0 (Bancroft 12, Warner 14) Back to back maidens from Woakes to Warner. Better length. Bowling to a 7-2, Warner picks out the fielders. Maxwell now being asked questions about selection on radio. Handling them carefully. Speaks really well. “I have a lot of unfinished business in the baggy green.” I’ll post the audio from this chat when the ABC post it. “I always felt like I’m a red-ball cricketer but it probably took me too long to work out how to bat for long periods of time.”

@collinsadam In 1952 at Lucknow, Nazar Mohammad carried his bat and made 124 n.o enabling Pakistan to beat India by an innings and 43 runs and at least in theory was on the field the whole time. https://t.co/Vaf8JKLQUq

12.26am GMT

9th over: Australia 26-0 (Bancroft 12, Warner 14) Ooh, that shoots through! Bancroft gets a dangerous one from Curran. Next up: a very close leave. Working into his best spell of the Test Match, the young man on debut. Then finds Warner’s inside edge to finish the set. Not easy to do. Well bowled.

Aditi Prabhudesai isn’t thrilled with the review a couple of overs back. “So England while failing to detect the edges off their own bats, can spot a mysterious edge some few miles away. Didn’t get cash back off the unused edges yesterday eh England?”

12.18am GMT

8th over: Australia 24-0 (Bancroft 11, Warner 13) Woakes sends down a maiden to Warner, which gives me time to catch up on that correspondence.

Johnny Starbuck and Jon Keen are all over the question of who has been on the pitch for every ball of a Test. Boycott, of course. Jon continues: “For the whole match in the Headingly Test where he got his 100th hundred in 1977. He was last out in the first innings, then (I think) unbeaten when England batted again.” Sounds convincing enough to me. Any other takers?

12.13am GMT

7th over: Australia 24-0 (Bancroft 11, Warner 13) REVIEW! NOT OUT! Curran is on to replace Jimmy and England reckon Bancroft has got a little under edge flashing at one well outside the off-stump. They go upstairs for a look, but he’s not anywhere near that really. Poor referral from Root. A lot of emails to chugg through at the moment, bear with me.

12.10am GMT

6th over: Australia 23-0 (Bancroft 11, Warner 12) Woakes replacing Broad from the southern end. Bancroft takes him down the ground for one to begin. Warner takes another later in the over through midwicket when he’s a touch short. Not much going on here for the seamer.

12.09am GMT

5th over: Australia 21-0 (Bancroft 10, Warner 11) Davey’s turn. Jimmy gives Warner enough time to steer through the empty cordon. Well, not entirely empty - there is one slip and a gully. Actually, that says more about the pitch than it does Root. A couple more through point from the left-hander, the shot he plays so well from the balls of his feet. Then a couple more off the pads to finish. Busy.

12.06am GMT

4th over: Australia 13-0 (Bancroft 10, Warner 3) There is a close-up camera on the pitch and it is completely bare. No chance of this breaking up for the spinners. No good. Have a read of this from Dan Brettig last night for more on that. Back to the middle, and it is an eventful over with Bancroft taking charge. Albeit not before Warner is able to take a single to deep point. Yes, you’re reading that correctly: Root has a deep point in the fourth over. Come on. Anyway, Bancroft’s turn. Broad is short and the opener is pulling hard and well. Easy runs. Next ball, one of the shots of the match, a straight drive so neat that it nearly hits the stumps. Haven’t seen him play one of those since the second dig in Brisbane.

11.56pm GMT

3rd over: Australia 2-0 (Bancroft 1, Warner 1) Warner carefully watching Jimmy. Then defending, then clipping to midwicket to open his account. Bancroft ducks then prods. Good early contest.

“If England win by an innings,” Roger Sweetman writes, in stark contrast to the email from the previous over, “Cook will have been on the pitch for the entire test. Had any player ever done that before?” I’ll ask Ric Finlay. Stand by.

11.52pm GMT

2nd over: Australia 1-0 (Bancroft 1, Warner 0) Disco Stuart Broad to Bancroft from the Great Southern Stand End. Oh, and it’s a good one to begin with one shaping away from the right hander and past his edge. Lovely way to get going. Nice bouncer in there too. Maiden.

“Australia 350 off about 120 overs,” tweets @Notdcfcboss at me. “England require 190 off 60. Still fascinating and enough time for England to implode.” Don’t do this to yourselves.

11.46pm GMT

1st over: Australia 1-0 (Bancroft 1, Warner 0) Jimmy involved in the first two deliveries of the day, with bat then ball. Couldn’t haven’t happened often. IF AT ALL? Come at me, stattos. Right. He’s wide to begin, then on Bancroft’s pads, taking one. First ball to Warner, and that’s just kept out! Shot through low. Joe Root likes that.

Some Cook stats, from the England camp.

11.38pm GMT

Tom Adam was all over that. A few minutes before play: “The key question is, who’s on strike? Because if it’s Jimmy this morning could be something of an anti-climax.” Played. “I get today’s Nostradamus award,” he adds after the fact.

11.33pm GMT

First ball! Cummins around the wicket, into the ribs of Jimmy, who fends into the hands of Bancroft at forward short leg. How about that. Cook carries his bat, the first to do so for England since Mike Atherton in 1997 at Christchurch. (He’s sitting next to me, and clarifies that it was 94* – then got a ton in the second dig).

11.30pm GMT

The players are on the field! Cummins to Jimmy. Play!

11.27pm GMT

Right, I’m into the ground. And can report that the hessian is currently on the pitch. It is barely drizzling, but it might mean a slightly delayed start. We’ll see.

Robert Wilson weighing in on my topic of choice this morning. “Listen, Grasshopper,” uh oh. “From those who love you, who cherish and value all your smiles and tears, your dark days and bright, take a piece of advice. Please DON’T write about the use of technology for overturning on-field decisions. A subject dull enough to make raisins of your testicles, too many fine, brave young souls have been lost in those arse-grinding, deadly quicksands.”

11.09pm GMT

“Young Cookie,” writes Tim Hall , “a mere stripling of a lad compared to W.G. and other hisrtoricals… well, I hope he organises Broadband to hang on until he’s 300 to the good. Happy New Year, or as we say in this heathen North Jutland part of Denmark - ‘Godt Ntyar’.”

This raises an interesting point. How long can Cookie go on for? Writing for somewhere else about this last night, imagine he gets around for another four years? A fifth Ashes tour. He’ll have Sachin covered for runs and Tests. DO IT!

View from @MelbCCLibrary foyer 8:30am this morning. Adios to Viv "Richards 208" banner for visitors batting record in a Test @MCG, 1984-2017. We now await AN Cook's final score for new record (& banner to join others in Percy Beames Bar of MCC Members Stand) pic.twitter.com/7HYHmTswRe

The MCC has moved quickly after Alastair Cook (244 and still going) broke Viv's record for highest Test score by a visiting player #Ashes pic.twitter.com/IzwjbI8xNk

10.53pm GMT

Nath Jones to open the batting. “Get rid of the soft signal, and the benefit of doubt goes with the batsman. Compensate the bowlers by getting rid of umpire’s call on DRS, everyone’s happy.” Interesting. The politician in me likes the horse trading.

Oh, I neglected to give Geoff Lemon and my podcast a plug for those making their way into the ground now or killing time before play starts. We had a wonderful long chat with Vic Marks after the Perth Test. About his life in cricket. From Somerset to England tours to the press and commentary box. A decent chunk on his friendship with Peter Roebuck. Plenty there.

10.45pm GMT

If a few committed citizens can change the world. Then surely a few committed OBOers can help change the playing conditions. Specifically, the soft-signal nonsense. And the use of technology for overturning on-field decisions more broadly. I’m determined to write about this after the series, but I want to come to this scrap armed with solutions rather than just complaints.

So then. How do we get this right? Do we take the on-field umpires out of it all together where close catches are concerned? Similarly, how do we define conclusive evidence for slight edges that could go either way? Lay it on me in the usual ways: email, twitter, etc.

10.25pm GMT

Bad Day Boof, Sad Day Smudge. You always know Australia have had an ordinary day when the coach has to front the media at stumps. My piece from last night.

Related: Bad Day Boof turns into Sad Day Smudge for Australia’s Ashes captain | Adam Collins

10.22pm GMT

Good morning to you all. As Darren Lehmann said last night, Australia’s hopes in this match are just about gone after Alastair Cook’s epic. Play will resume today with England 164 ahead, their first innings still yet to formally conclude.

There was a bit of chat around late yesterday as to whether Joe Root might declare and have a brief crack before the close. I dismissed that as crazy talk, mostly because I wanted to see Cook pass Brian Lara on the all-time run-scorers’ list, which he did with his final stroke of the day. But now, with the relatively iffy weather forecast today (60 percent chance of rain, looking pretty dark outside) maybe that was a slight opportunity lost.

2.38pm GMT

Adam will be here shortly. In the meantime, have a read of how Alastair Cook had doubts over his England career before yesterday’s knock:

Related: Alastair Cook feared England career might be over before double century

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Arsenal 3-3 Liverpool: Premier League – as it happened

Arsenal scored three goals in a crazy five-minute spell to ultimately earn a draw despite being outplayed for much of the match

9.40pm GMT

What an absurd, memorable game of association football. Liverpool were brilliant for so much of the game, but conceded three goals in a bizarre five-minute spell at the start of the second half. I’m not sure what else to say, because that match made no sense whatsoever. Thanks for your company, merry Christmas!

9.38pm GMT

Merry Christmas everyone!

9.37pm GMT

90+4 min Liverpool win one more corner for the road. It’s headed clear by Mustafi.

9.36pm GMT

90+2 min Ozil totally mishits a high cross that drops towards goal and is flapped desperately over his own bar by Mignolet. That almost went in, which would have meant Leighton-level embarrasment for Mignolet.

9.33pm GMT

90+1 min There will be four added minutes.

9.33pm GMT

90 min Theo Walcott replaces Alexis Sanchez.

9.32pm GMT

89 min Liverpool almost steal victory on the break. A wonderful lay-off from Firmino allows Wijnaldum to surge towards a retreating Arsenal defence. He delays his pass to Salah, who is surrounded by defenders but still manages to make rook and smack a shot into the side netting at the near post.

9.30pm GMT

87 min “Oxlade-Chamberlain winner, then go full Adebayor,” pleads Matt Dony.

9.29pm GMT

86 min Robertson wins a corner for Liverpool, who continue to push for their just deserts. Oxlade-Chamberlain’s inswinger is claimed by Cech.

9.27pm GMT

84 min Another Liverpool change: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is booed onto the field after replacing Coutinho.

9.27pm GMT

84 min Sanchez, on the left, shapes to hit a deep cross and then whips the ball low towards the near post. Mignolet scrambles across his line to save.

9.25pm GMT

82 min Robertson’s superb bouncing cross towards Salah is hooked away brilliantly by Koscielny, stretching towards his own goal.

9.24pm GMT

81 min “For five minutes Arsenal were the best team in Europe,” says Dominic O’Donnell. “For the other 70 they’ve been Arsenal.”

9.23pm GMT

80 min A Liverpool change: Wijnaldum replaces Mane. It looks like Liverpool have switched to a 3-4-3 with Milner and Robertson at wing-back.

9.22pm GMT

79 min Mignolet comes for the corner, gets nowhere near it and is glad to hear the referee blow for a Liverpool foul.

9.21pm GMT

78 min The increasingly influential Ozil slides a pass down the right side of the area for Bellerin, who thumps a rising shot from a tight angle that is pushed over by Mignolet. Before the corner can be take, Danny Welbeck replaces Alex Iwobi.

9.19pm GMT

75 min Liverpool look the likelier winners at the moment, though it’s dangerous to assume anything in this game, never mind the final score. Mane goes down easily in the box after a challenge from Maitland-Niles. No penalty.

9.16pm GMT

72 min Jurgen Klopp celebrated that goal somewhat, er, boisterously in the vicinity of the Arsenal bench. I’m not sure what that’s about.

9.15pm GMT

Firmino was given far too much space in the D, where Can found him with a nice pass. He had time to get the ball out of his feet and batter a left-footed shot that went through Cech and into the net. Cech will feel he should have done better. He got plenty on the save but could only push the ball up in the air and watch helplessly as it bounced slowly into the net.

9.13pm GMT

Liverpool are level!

9.13pm GMT

69 min “Rob, can we have an explanation of all this please?” says Charles Antaki. “I swear I haven’t touched the Christmas sherry, and yet there are things happening on the screen which are beyond all reason. And I don’t mean Iwobi still on the pitch.”

Lads, it’s Liverpool.

9.12pm GMT

68 min Liverpool break four on four from the Arsenal corner, with Salah leading the way. He gets past the halfway line and slides the ball forward for Mane, who comes back into the crowd and loses the ball. Mane hasn’t been at his best tonight, unlike Salah (in general play, if not necessarily in front of goal), Firmino and particularly the magnificent Coutinho. It’s a scandal that Liverpool are losing this game.

9.11pm GMT

68 min There are more goals in this game. Ozil plays a one-two with Sanchez and sweeps a pass out to Iwobi. He slides it forward for the overlapping Bellerin, whose dangerous cross is sliced behind by Klavan.

9.07pm GMT

62 min This is an absurd game. Coutinho, on the left wing, rakes a stunning deep cross with the outside of his right foot. It’s right into the path of Mane, whose sidefooted volley is blocked at the near post by Cech. It rebounds to Mane, who miscontrols the ball and it goes behind for a goalkick.

9.06pm GMT

60 min Those three goals were like Istanbul in reverse. They were also Arsenal’s only shots on target so far.

9.04pm GMT

Arsenal have scored three goals in five minutes to come from 2-0 down! Ozil pushed the ball towards Lacazette in the area. He returned it with a nice backheel and Ozil dinked the ball calmly over Mignolet from close range. This makes not one iota of sense. Arsenal were diabolical for 53 minutes. Five minutes later they are on the brink of a victory they will never forget.

9.02pm GMT

This is utterly ridiculous!

9.02pm GMT

58 min Iwobi is booked for pulling back Mane.

9.02pm GMT

Arsenal, who have been totally outplayed, are level! Xhaka hits the sweetest strike from 30 yards that wobbles awkwardly and goes straight through the left fist of Mignolet. That’s a wretched mistake from Mignolet: it was a difficult ball to deal with because of the pace and wobble, but it was straight at him and should have been pushed over the bar pretty comfortably.

9.00pm GMT

Oh my goodness!

8.59pm GMT

Arsenal are back in it! This goal isn’t against the run of play - it’s an affront to the run of play. Bellerin clips a good cross towards the far post, where Sanchez comes on the blind side of Gomez to plant a close-range header past Mignolet. That was unusually poor for Gomez, who was sleeping.

8.57pm GMT

The move started by the left corner flag, where Maitland-Niles had his pocket picked by Gomez. The ball was worked to Salah, who pushed it into the Arsenal half towards Firmino and kept running. Firmino turned to play a brilliant curling pass into Salah’s path. He moved the ball onto his left foot, just outside the area, and placed a shot that took a crucial deflection off Mustafi and beat Cech’s dive.

8.55pm GMT

Mohamed Salah gets his goal after another spectacular counter-attack.

8.54pm GMT

49 min Salah tees up Coutinho, who is about to shoot from the edge of the box when Iwobi’s block tackle sends the ball just past the post. I don’t think Cech would have got to it had it been on target.

8.52pm GMT

48 min Lacazette makes a mess of a pass to Sanchez but picks up the loose ball, surges into the box and hits a low cross that is cleared for a corner. Sanchez’s delivery is appalling and Liverpool counter-attack devastatingly. Salah runs 60 yards, plays a one-two with Mane and drives a low right-footed shot that is well saved by the diving Cech.

8.48pm GMT

46 min Arsenal kick off. They have made a half-time substitution, with Shkodran Mustafi replacing the injured Nacho Monreal.

8.47pm GMT

“Re: Tim Daw’s amazing Wi-Fi,” says Tim Catts. “Can you let us know how you feel about it when you get the bill...”

8.46pm GMT

“Best Christmas film? Bad Santa,” says Steven Haslemere. “Just enough glitter among the chickenfeed for even the most jaded palette.”

Funny how things work out. (NB: Clip contains adult language, etc.)

8.43pm GMT

More half-time entertainment

Related: Football stadiums then and now – interactive quiz, part five

8.41pm GMT

“I just wanted to share the fact that I just got admitted to an American hospital,” says Tim Daw. “The wifi is amazing And I have a hi-res stream. Way better than the NHS.”

Yeah but what colour are their passports? Oh. Also, get well soon!

8.34pm GMT

Half-time entertainment (as sent in by Hubert O’Hearn)

8.34pm GMT

Peep peep! Liverpool lead through Philippe Coutinho’s neat header, though they should probably be out of sight. Arsenal have been weirdly nervous, and the half-time whistle is met with boos around the stadium. See you in 10 minutes!

8.31pm GMT

45 min Another chance for Liverpool! Sane bursts pass on the left of the box Monreal and squares the ball invitingly to Salah, who miskicks with his left foot from 15 yards. He should have scored.

8.30pm GMT

44 min What a chance for Liverpool! Koscielny slips and plays an accidental through pass for Salah. He runs into the area and sidefoots a low shot that is superbly saved by the outrushing Cech. The ball rebounds to Mane, who launches into an entirely unnecessary scissor kick and wallops it over the bar.

8.28pm GMT

43 min Wilshere plays a nice pass to Lacazette, who is in the process of pulling the trigger when Lovren makes an excellent tackle.

8.27pm GMT

42 min “Evening Rob, and seasons greetings to one and all,” says Simon McMahon. “I saw the Lego Batman movie earlier this year and thought it was excellent, if not exactly Christmassy. I might watch the Wicker Man later, apparently the pagans invented Christmas, something to do with the winter solstice and all that. Or shopping, I can’t remember.”

8.26pm GMT

41 min This has, so far, been Arsenal’s meekest home performance in a long time. It’s hard to fathom.

8.25pm GMT

40 min A misjudgement from Monreal gives Coutinho the chance to move into the box, but the covering Koscielny does enough to ensure he can’t get the ball under control.

8.23pm GMT

39 min “Forget all this Christmas film sentimentality,” says Kevin Ryan. “The Coen Brothers’ Fargo is the movie for the festive season. Loads of snow, domestic arguments and skulduggery over money matters, killings left and right - just the thing for the Season of Goodwill. And who could not be moved by Steve Buscemi’s blood soaked face in that scene where he enters the villain’s abode clutching his jaw and stating through clenched teeth to his unmoving co-conspirator ‘You should see the other guy!’. And even better still after they argue about splitting the proceeds of their heist ‘ Are we square? Are we SQUARE????’ Just tugs at the heartstrings.”

8.22pm GMT

38 min Ozil’s free-kick hits the wall and goes behind for a corner. Lovren heads it clear emphatically.

8.21pm GMT

35 min Liverpool create another chance. The outstanding Coutinho clips an angled free-kick over the wall to find Lovren, who has time and space to cushion a simple volley across goal and give Mane a great chance. Goal kick to Arsenal.

8.18pm GMT

32 min Firmino, on the left side of the box, cuts inside Bellerin and hits a superb curling shot that beats Cech and goes just over the bar. I thought that was in. After a slow start, Liverpool have been electric. Arsenal look in need of a cattle prod.

8.17pm GMT

32 min “My fave festive season film is Comfort and Joy (by Local Hero’s Bill Forsyth), a mid-80s slow burn comedy about depression, the world seemingly going crazy, and ice cream truck turf wars in Glasgow,” says Agen Schmitz. “This designation is not shared by the rest of my household.”

That sounds great. David Chase should do a Christmas film.

8.16pm GMT

31 min Arsenal are a bag of nerves, with poor Iwobi having an almost Eboueian shocker.

8.15pm GMT

30 min Bellerin’s attempted clearance goes straight to Mane, whose deflected shot is comfortably saved by Cech.

8.14pm GMT

29 min Ozil allows Sanchez’s pass to run through to Lacazette, who turns smartly and whacks a shot from 18 yards that is well blocked by Milner.

8.12pm GMT

The goal came, almost inevitably, on the counter-attack. With Maitland-Niles drawn towards the ball, Milner curved a long pass down the right to leave Salah one on one against Koscielny. He held him up for a few seconds before Salah’s stabbed cross deflected off Koscielny and looped up in the air. Coutinho arrived late in the box to lob a clever close-range header over Cech and into the far corner.

8.10pm GMT

It’s been coming.

8.10pm GMT

26 min Iwobi drives a cross from the right. Throw in to Liverpool. The poor chap isn’t having the best game.

8.10pm GMT

25 min “Trading Places is so, so good,” says Kevin Wilson. “Even better than Eddie Murphy’s fourth-wall moment when the Dukes explain what a BLT sandwich is to him, is when he accidentally breaks the vase, on which they make a profit from the insurance. He asks whether he should break another and the Dukes and Coleman shout NOOOOOOOOOO!”

8.09pm GMT

24 min Another headed chance for Firmino, from a left-wing cross by Coutinho. This time he went for the far post, planting a header across Cech that drifted just wide. That was a better chance than the first one.

8.08pm GMT

23 min Arsenal were so exhilarating and aggressive at home to Spurs and Manchester United. Tonight they have been extremely passive. I suppose the Fab Four can do that to a manager.

8.07pm GMT

22 min The first good chance of the match. Robertson’s curling cross is met beyond the far post by the backpedalling Firmino, who strains his neck muscles to plant a header towards goal. Cech pushes it round for a corner.

8.05pm GMT

21 min Iwobi plays a routine square pass towards Ozil. Throw-in to Liverpool.

8.03pm GMT

19 min Arsenal have been poor on the ball. So have Liverpool, in truth, with the exception of Firmino and especially Coutinho.

8.01pm GMT

17 min “I prefer the the 1938 Christmas Carol with Reginald Owen,” says Matt Carpenter. “It is a much more joyful movie and has the wonderful Gene Lockhart as Bob Cratchit. His wife Kathleen plays Mrs. Cratchit, and their daughter June (famous later from Lost in Space) has a small bit as one of the Cratchit children. Cheers!”

8.00pm GMT

15 min The best move of the match so far. Coutinho pushes a lovely angled pass to Robertson, whose dangerous low cross is put behind by the sliding Koscielny.

7.59pm GMT

14 min Coutinho takes a return pass from Salah and wafts a left-footed shot well wide from 25 yards.

7.57pm GMT

13 min Milner replaces Henderson.

7.55pm GMT

11 min Henderson has done his hamstring and is walking very slowly off the field. That’s bad news for Liverpool, as he’ll probably miss the whole Christmas period. James Milner will replace him.

7.54pm GMT

10 min “Season’s greetings Rob,” says Steven Hughes. “One could try to crowbar in Goodfellas as a Christmas movie: for the scene in which Henry Hill calls to his kids: “I got the most expensive tree they had!” and the Christmas scene in the bar when some gangsters, fresh from their heist, flaunt their new wealth, much to Jimmy Conway’s chagrin: “What did I tell you!?.....What did I tell you!?”. Although what a sequence showing some shady, grubby characters, splashing loads of money around on shiny but ultimately useless objects, has in connection with the English Premier League I don’t know.”

7.54pm GMT

9 min It’s a really open game, as we expected. Jordan Henderson has gone down off the ball; he looks like he might have pulled something.

7.52pm GMT

7 min Salah has a first run at Maitland-Niles, who does well to win the ball but then runs it out of play for a corner. I thought he was fouled by Salah; Martin Atkinson didn’t. It matters not a jot, because the corner was claimed easily by Cech.

7.50pm GMT

7 min “’Trading Places’ has a little something in the line of winter woes, tables turned and justice felt to be done,” says Bill Hargreaves. “But I think Dickens almost copyrighted Noel-time heartfelt cheer, as alluded to by Mr. Giblin. Here’s to a great match and a great Christmas for all!”

7.50pm GMT

6 min Bellerin wins the first corner for Arsenal. Nothing happens.

7.49pm GMT

5 min “Batman Returns isn’t my idea of a Christmas film,” says Charles Antaki, “but there is some resonance here tonight, I suppose, with the theme of a once-heroic figure now the subject of taunts, ridicule and suspicion from those who once adored him. I can’t remember how the film ends, but if there was a final redemption and a satisfied fade into the sunset, that would be a perfectly acceptable script for all concerned. Otherwise, there’s always It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Failing that, apparently Black Swan’s on later.

7.48pm GMT

4 min It’s been a strong start from Liverpool, who are harassing Arsenal high up the pitch.

7.46pm GMT

2 min “Someone asked for the best Christmas movies,” says Charlie Dunn. “This year, skip all the sappy, feel-good Christmas movies and go right for the top-shelf holiday themed flicks: Die Hard, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and 12 Monkeys. Might not get you in the spirit of giving, but all three are severely underrated, and combined they pack quite a punch of star power: Bruce Willis, Val Kilmer, Robert Downey Jr, Brad Pitt, and... Bruce Willis again. Ho Ho Ho!”

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is so good. It gives smartassery a good name.

7.45pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! Liverpool, in their orange third strip, kick off. Arsenal are in red and white.

7.42pm GMT

Pre-match business

1. This week’s edition of Nessun Dorma, indubitably the best retro football podcast with a Pavarotti-inspired name, includes a long discussion about everyone’s favourite Armani models: Liverpool’s Spice Boys.

7.40pm GMT

“Right, I’ve successfully made it through the first month of a new job (in an industry I know spectacularly little about), Perth seems like an age ago, I yesterday managed to book tickets to Hamilton (succumbing to the hype like the sheep that I am), and I shall be watching the game tonight with good company and good beer,” says Matt Dony. “Come on, Liverpool. Things are good. Don’t ruin it. I’m hoping to see Coutinho put in a big one, and stick an extra few million on the sadly-inevitable January transfer. Mes Que Un Jerks-with-too-much-money-buying-our-best-player-again.”

Yeah, but they’ll tap him up with such humanity.

7.33pm GMT

“Christmas films?” says Paul Neilan. “Black Swan is on later.”

7.27pm GMT

“My favourite Christmas movie by far is a little-known film called Christmas in Connecticut starring Barbara Stanwyck, Dennis Morgan and S.Z. ‘Cuddles’ Sakall,” says Hubert O’Hearn. “Stanwyck plays a magazine writer who styles herself as leading a simple country life whereas in reality she’s an urbanite in frequent hangover recovery. She has to host a returned Navy hero (Morgan) at her borrowed home as well as the magazine’s publisher who insists upon absolute truth in all his titles. Hilarity ensues. I actually haven’t seen it since I emigrated from Canada five years ago but now I’m all nostalgic for past pleasures. But enough about Liverpool.”

7.18pm GMT

“Can’t believe it’s a sensible decision to pick Maitland-Niles out of position at left back up against Salah,” says Paul Rowe. “Expect mayhem.”

It’s a brave decision, that’s for sure. Mind you, we expeted mayhem when Liverpool put an unknown teenager called Rob Jones against Ryan Giggs at Old Trafford in 1991.

7.11pm GMT

The cheeriest email of 2017 “Happy Christmas and merry new year Rob!” says Travis Giblin. “It’s the afternoon in Canada and I’m watching Christmas movies with the kids while I follow the game with you. We’re watching The Polar Express this afternoon, which the kids love. I’m partial to A Christmas Carol with Alistar Sim, and Batman Returns. What’s on everyone else’s Christmas movie playlist? Cheers, and have a great season of merriment!”

6.49pm GMT

Arsenal (4-3-3) Cech; Bellerin, Koscielny, Monreal, Maitland-Niles; Wilshere, Xhaka, Ozil; Iwobi, Lacazette, Sanchez.
Substitutes: Ospina, Kolasinac, Mustafi, Elneny, Coquelin, Welbeck, Walcott.

Liverpool (4-3-3) Mignolet; Gomez, Lovren, Klavan, Robertson; Can, Henderson, Coutinho; Salah, Firmino, Mane.
Substitutes: Karius, Alexander-Arnold, Milner, Wijnaldum, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Lallana, Solanke.

9.20am GMT

Merry Christmas one and all! If you asked 100 English football fans to name the thing they associate most with the festive period, 99 would give you the same answer: barely repressed familial loathing that starts to spill over after too much eggnog. But at least there’s endless football to take the edge off.

There will be at least one Premier League game on 11 of the next 14 days, with each side playing four matches. It may ultimately have a decisive impact on the

title
race to qualify for the Champions League - especially for Arsenal, who have a couple of more-than-three-but-not-quite-six-pointers. They start the Christmas period at home to Liverpool and end it at home to Chelsea.

Related: Arsène Wenger’s efforts to counter the counter cause Arsenal confusion | Jonathan Wilson

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Melbourne miracle of 1998 shows ‘dead-rubber’ fourth Ashes Tests do matter | Rob Smyth

England’s victory on Test cricket’s longest day, as Darren Gough and Dean Headley bowled themselves into the ground and Ashes folklore, is a brilliant precedent for the current team after their surrender of the urn

The most frustrating thing about England in the 1990s was not how bad they often were, it was how good they could be when the handbrake came off. Victories were often achieved in spectacular style, especially against Australia. Although England lost every Ashes series in that decade, they were never whitewashed and usually had a win to cherish. Those victories were particularly precious at the end of a long, draining tour. The glorious turnarounds at Adelaide in 1995 and Melbourne in 1998, both in the fourth Test after the Ashes had been retained by Australia, are usually referred to as “dead-rubber victories”. It’s a slightly unfair label that belittles the Herculean task of winning any Test in Australia.

I walked past Steve Waugh and he said: ‘You’re an absolute effing embarrassment.’ The only response I could think was a short, sharp: ‘Eff off.’ Then he had me caught at fly slip

The jubilation afterwards in the dressing-room was incredible. There was such a sense of achievement. They are brilliant, brilliant memories

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The Fiver Christmas Awards 2017

Give the one you love something special this year: a free subscription to The Fiver. The gift that never starts giving

Welcome to the 18th Fiver Christmas Awards. Or is it the 19th? Oh, we don’t know. We’ve disingenuously pretended to forget how many times we’ve held these awards at least 14 times, so there’s a starting point for anyone who cares enough to tot it up. Furthermore, it’s now well over a decade since we awarded Bayer Leverkusen an unprecedented Fiver Christmas Awards quadruple, and in honour of their legendary coach Klaus Toppmöller (kids, ask your grandparents) we declare that now is a time for cigarettes and booze. And curly hair, with locks springy enough to hold a lit cigarette, just in case you have a can of Purple Tin and a quadruple gin on the go at the same time. But it’s also time to dole out a few awards. Mainly because we sense you’re losing interest already, and if we don’t start soon, The Fiver will be in your bin folder quicker than we can say “Gah!”, “Wah!” and “Oh reader! How could you!?”

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The Ashes: 10 moments, little and large, that decided the series | Rob Smyth

While Steve Smith’s Brisbane century and Mitchell Starc’s wonderball to James Vince in Perth were defining images, there were other moments that were more subtle yet just as pivotal to the early return of the urn

The Ashes isn’t always about the actual cricket. The most significant moment of the epic 2005 series came during a game of touch rugby, when Glenn McGrath stood on a stray cricket ball and was injured on the morning of the second Test. In 2017, the England players’ apparently harmless decision to have a few beers in Bristol after an ODI victory over West Indies had unimaginable consequences. Ben Stokes may not have made much difference but we will never know for sure what happened in that parallel universe.

Related: Don’t blame Ben Stokes for England’s Ashes defeat – Australia are simply better | Vic Marks

Related: Trevor Bayliss insists he is still the right man for England despite Ashes defeat

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Retiring Phil Taylor can ensure it is all about him at World Darts Championship

Phil Taylor is hoping for a 17th world title and animosity could stir up again if he meets old foe Michael van Gerwen in the final

Great sportsmen write their own scripts but they rarely have much input when it comes to the final scene. Donald Bradman, Muhammad Ali and Usain Bolt are among those whose goodbyes were accompanied by the strange sensations of failure and anticlimax. With a few exceptions, the sporting gods don’t do sentiment. So when the World Darts Championship begins on Thursday night at Alexandra Palace in London, one topic will dominate conversation: whether Phil Taylor can end on the biggest high of his 30-year career.

The 57-year-old will retire after the world championship. He has won it 16 times and, though he keeps saying he will enjoy his farewell party come what may, he is fooling nobody. In December 2012, when Sir Alex Ferguson discussed retiring with his wife Cathy, he had one stipulation: “I really need to go out a winner.” And so he did. These people do not think like us. It’s not the taking part that counts; it’s the taking apart of their opponents. It’s hard to imagine Taylor, the ultimate winner, accepting anything other than lifting the Sid Waddell Trophy on New Year’s Day.

Related: Michael van Gerwen beats Gary Anderson to win PDC World Darts Championship

Related: Phil Taylor: ‘Players today are different. What are you on about? Snapchat?’ | Donald McRae

Related: Michael van Gerwen ready for another tilt at PDC world darts championship

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