Jennifer Flanders's Blog, page 24

That Time I Had a Baby at 45

Our family has a lot to celebrate this week: Yesterday was my youngest daughter’s birthday. Today is my birthday. Tomorrow is my husband’s birthday. And the following day marks the 30th anniversary of the day we met, which also happens to be “Lovers Day” — isn’t that fitting?

I’ve taken my own aging and my husband’s advancing years in stride. Turning 50 didn’t faze me last year, and 51 doesn’t seem like a big deal, either (although I have noticed my bones creaking a lot more now than they did a decade ago).

The thing that’s been hardest to accept is the idea that this sweet little baby could be six years old already:

She’s growing up so fast! She can read. She can ride a bike without training wheels. She even lost her first tooth yesterday!

But the fact that there are no younger siblings trailing in her wake makes the bittersweetness of each new milestone particularly poignant. That’s why I made it one of my New Year’s resolutions this year to hold Abigail in my lap at least once every day: I know those days of cuddling will end far sooner than I’m ready to say goodbye to them.

Incidentally, Abby told me that one of her New Year’s resolutions was to sit in my lap at least once every day — so it’s been working out beautifully so far. We’ve only missed one day in four months — March 1. (That was election day for the Texas state primaries, and I worked the polls all day, personally checking in and credentialing one thousand, one hundred fifteen voters in the span of 12 hours. It meant leaving the house before Abby woke up and returning after she’d gone to bed, so no lap time that day. )

Abigail was born the day before I turned 45. I had my first child at 23, my second 16 months later, and another every couple of years after that for two decades. One of the best benefits of big-family living is that I haven’t had to give up the joys of one stage to embrace the pleasures of the next.

I’ve been able to nurse babies and cuddle toddlers and read with grade schoolers and nurture adolescents and teach teens to drive and attend graduations and converse with adult children and witness marriages and welcome grandchildren — all at the same time! That’s been absolutely amazing as long as it’s lasted.

But now that I’ve (most likely) reached the end of those precious childbirthing years, I’m more acutely aware than ever, as my little ones pass milestone after milestone, that some of my favorite aspects of motherhood are being left behind in the transition. I don’t want to take any of these moments for granted, which is probably why the following poem so resonates with me at this stage of my life:

The Last Time

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,

You will never be the same.

You might long for the person you were before,

When you had freedom and time,

And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,

And days will run into days that are exactly the same,

Full of feeding and burping,

Whining and fighting,

Naps, or lack of naps. It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget…

There is a last time for everything.

There will come a time when you will feed your baby

for the very last time.

They will fall asleep on you after a long day

And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip,

then set them down,

And never pick them up that way again.

You will scrub their hair in the bath one night

And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.

They will hold your hand to cross the road,

Then never reach for it again.

They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,

And it will be the last night you ever wake for this.

One afternoon you will sing “The Wheels on the Bus”

and do all the actions,

Then you’ll never sing that song again.

They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,

Then the next day, they will ask to walk to the gate alone.

You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your

last dirty face.

They will one day run to you with arms raised,

for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time

Until there are no more times, and even then,

It will take you a while to realise.

So while you are living in these times,

Remember there are only so many of them and

When they are gone,

You will yearn for just one more day of them…

For one last time.

Author unknown

If your baby is still a baby, savor the sweet moments while you can. If your youngest has grown up faster than you ever imagined possible, then you can undoubtedly relate to this poem as much as I do. (I don’t know who wrote it. If you do, please share in the comment section below.)

Of course, there’s no stopping the march of time — and I wouldn’t want to, even if I could. It is vitally important that we let our children grow up, that we encourage and facilitate their maturity and independence, and that we — little by little — learn to let go.

But as long as my little girl still wants to crawl into my lap to snuggle, I’m gonna let her do just that!

Winston Churchill Gives Sound Marriage Advice

April 9th is Winston Churchill Day. This year marks the 53rd anniversary of Churchill’s being made an honorary U.S. citizen, so it seems fitting to spend a few minutes today reflecting on some of the words of wisdom for which he is so well known.

Apparently, Churchill exercised the same dogged determination in love as he exhibited in war: Despite the pivotal role he played in WWII, he often boasted that his “most brilliant achievement” was persuading his wife to marry him. When Churchill passed away at the age of 90, he and Clementine had been married 56 years.

Below are a few of my favorite quotes from the British Bulldog. Had Churchill been a marriage counselor rather than a Prime Minister, I imagine his marriage advice would have sounded something like this:

“The price of greatness is responsibility.”

Want a great marriage? Don’t just twiddle your thumbs, waiting for your spouse to create it for you. Take responsibility. Take ownership. Do everything in your power to make your marriage the best it can be.

“The first quality that is needed is audacity.”

A great marriage requires bold risk-taking. It takes a hundred-percent, sold-out, do-or-die commitment. No holding back. No hedging your bets. You’ve got to give it your all, pouring body, soul, and spirit into making your relationship everything God intends for a marriage to be.

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”

This is true in every area of life, and marriage is no exception. Want a happy marriage? Cultivate a happy heart. Dwell on the positive. Be loving, patient, cheerful, kind, and quick to forgive.

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”

Marriage is more about making a life than making a living. When you focus on what you can GIVE rather than on what you can GET, you stand a better chance of making that life wonderful in every way.

“‘No comment’ is a splendid expression. I am using it again and again.”

Don’t feel obligated to spout off everything that pops into your mind. Some things are better left unsaid. Be slow to speak. Weigh your words carefully. If you can think of nothing worthy to say, say nothing.

“Kites rise highest against the wind – not with it.”

Do hardships send you spiraling to the ground? Pressures spin you out of control? Stay anchored and work together. You’ll rise above the buffeting winds and soar higher than you ever thought possible.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Push through your misery — don’t sit down and wallow in it. Just as the joy of holding a newborn follows the intense pain of childbirth, couples who pull together and work through their problems report feeling far happier and more deeply satisfied afterward than those who let difficulties drive them apart.

“Never give in! Never give in! Never, never, never, never.”

This was Churchill’s strategy in dealing with the enemy during WWII. Let it be yours, as well. If your marriage is to survive, you must repel anything that would threaten to destroy it — “great or small, large or petty” — with unyielding tenacity.

Every marriage will face adversity sooner or later. How will you respond when it comes? Will you panic, throw up your hands in despair, and watch your marriage crumble before your eyes? Or will you do as Churchill urged and meet each new challenge with “intense vigilance and exertion,” doing all that is necessary to protect and preserve life on the home front?

Could your marriage use a dose of that kind of moxie? What’s your favorite Churchill quote, and how might you apply it to your own situation?

Love in Bloom: 5 Essentials for a Thriving Marriage

I just love this time of year. I love the bright blossoms and the emerging bulbs and the grass that grows greener every day. I love looking through flower catalogues and landscaping magazines and pinning ideas to my “Outdoor Living” Pinterest board. I love spring!

I well remember my first foray into home gardening. I poured over a Breck’s wholesale catalogue for days. Inspired by all those beautiful photos of lush gardens, I ordered over two hundred tulip bulbs, then struggled to bury them at the requisite seven-inch depth in the patch of hard, black clay that constituted our “flower bed.”

Once they were in the ground, I put my gloves and spade back on the shelf and waited expectantly, envisioning the riot of blooms that would surround my house the following spring. I gave no thought to watering or weeding or fertilizing or nurturing those little bulbs in any way, yet I was totally discouraged and dismayed when only six of the two hundred ever even sprouted.

I think lots of couples face similar disappointments when it comes to cultivating a beautiful marriage relationship. They’ve seen the movies and read the books and heard all the “happily ever after” stories, so they buy the rings and go through the ceremony and exchange the vows, fully expecting the same blissful results.

But a beautiful marriage, like a beautiful garden, doesn’t happen on its own. It takes a lot of tender, loving care. It takes work. For a marriage to thrive, you must:

Cultivate the soil

Thorns and thistles may grow in hard, sun-baked clay, but cultivated plants need a little more soil preparation than that. If you want a beautiful flower garden, you must first break up the fallow ground. Likewise, love will never thrive in hearts that are cold, hard, proud, and impenetrable. For a marriage to flourish, hearts must first be laid bare – open, honest, and vulnerable.

Water deeply

For flowers to do well, their roots must be healthy and intact. If the roots are shallow or diseased or deprived too long of the water and nutrients essential to survival, the plant will wither and die. The same is true for marriage. A love that is firmly rooted in the Word of God, that drinks deeply and often from the well of Living Water, will be better able to withstand both droughts and storms that come its way.

Pull the weeds

You can prepare the soil and water well, but unless you stay vigilant, weeds will grow up and choke out more desirable plants in your garden. You must learn how to recognize such threats, watch for them constantly, and deal with them swiftly, before they have a chance to take root and establish themselves. So it is in a marriage. The love, joy, peace, and other good fruits that characterize a happy marriage cannot coexist with bitterness, resentment, arrogance, contempt, or selfishness, so don’t give those weeds a chance to rear their ugly heads. Stomp them out the minute they try to take root in your heart.

Fertilize as needed

The longer a garden grows, the more depleted the ground becomes of the nutrients the bedding plants need. To keep plants healthy, fertilizer must be used to replace vital nutrients in the soil. On the same principle, you should feed your marriage by reading books, attending retreats, and/or getting counseling as needed. It is important to maintain a teachable spirit and to never stop growing as a couple. Don’t assume because your marriage has been healthy and happy in the past, it will always be so. Keep a close eye on things: watch for signs of stress and address any deficiencies as soon as you are made aware of them.

Ensure lots of sunshine

Even with adequate water, good soil, and proper fertilizer, a garden won’t flourish without lots of light. Likewise, a marriage fares better when dispositions are sunny and bright. “A merry heart does good like a medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” (Proverbs 17:22) A cheerful outlook and a positive attitude goes a long way in nurturing a happy, healthy home, so keep on the sunny side as much as possible!

Once I finally accepted the fact that great landscaping takes a lot of hard work, I was not only able keep the little patch of flowers outside our front door alive, but eventually planted and (with much help from husband and children) maintained nearly two acres of beautiful woodland gardens that are absolutely breathtaking when they’re in full bloom. If I’d thrown in the towel when my first attempts failed, I would have missed out on all the pleasure and satisfaction that gardening success brings.

Likewise, if I’d bailed on my marriage during initial hardships, I would have missed out on all the wonderfully happy years that have followed, for a marriage will produce strikingly beautiful and fragrant blooms when properly nurtured with lots of tender, patient, and loving care.

Batman V Superman: 7 Important Take-Aways

[photo source]

My husband surprised me yesterday by bringing home tickets to Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice.

And he didn’t just get tickets for the two of us, either. He bought enough for our kids and grandkids to see it, too, who crowded eagerly into the theater sporting superhero shirts and capes.

Here are a few important lessons I learned from that little family outing:

Always research a movie before you watch it.

Batman v Superman is not a kid-friendly movie. From grand-scale scenes of mass destruction, to nightmarish flashbacks of murder and mayhem, to implied trysts between Lois Lane (obviously naked) and Clark Kent, who joins her (fully clothed) in the bathtub, the movie was chock-full of stuff I’d rather my kids and grandkids not have been exposed to.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t have attended the movie with my husband as a date had it been important to him to see it, but I would have lobbied to leave the little ones at home if I’d known beforehand what awaited us at the theater.

Hollywood loves to blur the lines.

There is a popular trend among film makers today to blur the lines between good and evil until everything is just one dark, murky shade of gray. It’s one thing to present a character — even a superhero — as flawed, for flawed we all are. But those flaws should be presented as being undesirable, a weakness or shortcoming that limits his effectiveness, something he struggles to overcome. Sadly, this was not the case in Batman V Superman.

Fairly early in the movie, we learn that the Dark Knight has taken to torturing and branding criminals, a disturbing fact viewers are asked to accept without question — or possibly even justify due to the nature of the crimes committed. (The oppressively dark feel to Batman V Superman made a little more sense when I noted during the credits that the name of the production company was “Cruel and Unusual Films.” The credits also revealed that at least one of the songs in the movie’s soundtrack was recorded using wind instruments made from human thigh bones. How’s that for creepy?)

Unfortunately, Batman V. Superman is not the only superhero flick to get this sordid treatment. Of the trailers previewed before the feature film — Captain America: Civil War, X-Men Apocalypse, and The Suicide Squad — all three promise to be at least as dark, if not worse. That makes me sad. I miss the days of wholesome heros.

There is no such thing as a movie without a worldview.

Lex Luthor sums up a recurrent theme in Batman V. Superman succinctly when he explains to another character that God can be all powerful or he can be all good, but he can’t be both. No sooner were those words out of his mouth than my five-year-old grandson piped up, “That’s a lie!” loudly enough to be heard by all the movie-goers around us. I reminded him he needed to be quiet for the movie, but not before telling him, “You’re right, Sweetheart! That is a lie!”

It’s important for us to remember that there is no such thing as neutral entertainment. The people that own the studios that make the movies have a worldview that often differs sharply from our own, and their worldview is going to influence the story they tell on the silver screen. Sometimes the messages are subtle. Sometimes they’re in-your-face. Batman V. Superman takes the latter approach.

A father’s impact on his children is huge.

At some point in the movie, all three main characters — Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, and Lex Luthor — share the lessons they learned from their respective fathers, underscoring the fact that fathers really do matter. For better or worse, dads play a powerful role in shaping the lives of their children. This is true, regardless of whether said father is living or dead, attentive or absentee. That’s a sobering thought, isn’t it?

Of the three, Clark Kent enjoyed the most positive relationship with his (adoptive) father for the longest period of time. The movie made it clear that he reflected often and deeply on the truths his dad taught him and strove to live by those principles. Not surprisingly, he also seemed the most stable and well-adjusted of the three, with the healthiest relationships with those closest to him.

Society has an unnatural fascination with blowing things up.

Maybe it’s because I don’t have a Y-chromosome, but I’ve never understood Hollywood’s obsession with blowing things to smithereens. Too often, plot and character development take the backseat to special effects, and this is certainly the case in Batman V Superman. If I wanted to see a psychopath bomb a bunch of innocent people, I could’ve stayed home and watched the evening news. Hollywood shouldn’t glamorize such things on the silver screen. They are heinous crimes. Not entertainment.

When we focus on fighting each other, we lose sight of the real enemy.

Both Batman and Superman spend an inordinate amount of screentime preoccupied with, plotting against, and battling one another. Their fixation seems to be motivated as much (if not more) by pride and jealousy as by any desire for accountability or justice. As a consequence, they miss telltale signs that something far more sinister is afoot.

It’s a good lesson to remember during this election season, when we’ve been subsisting on a steady diet of petty skirmishes between contenders instead of giving attention to far weightier issues. There are powers at play that are bent on our destruction. All the name calling and bickering amongst one another has blinded us to our real enemy — and I don’t mean Donald Trump, or Democrats, or even ISIS. Those who would do us harm are only pawns and prisoners in our true enemy’s hand, and it will take a Power from out of this world to defeat him. That power belongs to God, our best and only Hope. Jesus is the One to whom we must look to save us.

The story isn’t over yet.

Like so many other superhero movies, this one takes special care to set the stage for a sequel before the final credits roll. Spoiler warning: Batman V Superman ends with a funeral, but one split-second glimpse of what happens to the first handful of dirt dropped on the casket lets us know the story is far from over.

It is fitting that this movie should be released on Good Friday, for that day closed with a beloved hero being laid in a grave, as well. But three days later, Christ arose from the dead, a fact to which many eye-witnesses bore testimony at the time. Jesus walked on Earth, fully God and fully man, unequaled in power and goodness, and before ascending into heaven, He promised to come back again. His story is far from over. The question we should be asking is, will He find us faithful when He comes?

I’m not telling you whether you should see Batman V Superman or skip it, but I do want you to know what you’re getting into before you buy a ticket. For an in-depth analysis of the film’s positive and negative elements, I recommend checking it out on Plugged-In Online. That is what I normally do, and what I wish I’d done before heading to the theater for this one.

Is It Wrong for Singles to Think about Sex?

I received the following sweet message last month from a reader who raised several good questions. Since other singles may be wondering about the same thing, I decided to post my response here:

Question:

Hello Mrs. Flanders,

I enjoy reading your blog, Loving Life at Home. Not many married Christian women are as open to talking about sex as you are on your blog, and I was hoping I could ask you some questions. You seem like the kind of mother that I could sit down with over a cup of tea to talk to.

[As a college student in my early twenties], I am a virgin and have never even been kissed. I am waiting and saving myself for marriage, but I am also very curious about the sexual aspect of marriage, and I do think about it a lot. I guess that is one of my questions for you — is it wrong to be curious about sex before marriage? To think and wonder about it a lot? To long to experience it for myself someday?

Even though I only want to have sex with my future husband and only when we are married, I really worry sometimes that my thinking about it so much may be lustful, but I do not know.

Secondly, I have wondered often about what my husband and I will do for birth control once we are married. I have read on your blog and elsewhere about the awful effects of birth control pills, so I do not want to use that. And then Natural Family Planning sounds great, but I have read of several people who used it and got pregnant [multiple times] unexpectedly — all within a few years of marriage. Is using condoms every time enough?

I don’t want a child for every year of marriage, but I would also like to be able to enjoy sex with my husband! What would you recommend? This is something I would like to research and learn about before I get engaged someday, and then suddenly the wedding night is here, and we have no idea what we are doing for birth control.

Thank you so much for any help you can give me. I appreciate your blog about marriage and family life so very much.

Sincerely,

Curious but Concerned

Answer:

Dear Concerned,

Thank you for your sweet letter. I’m so glad to know young single girls like yourself are reading and enjoying my blog. I did lots of reading and researching and thinking about marriage before I ever married, too, and feel that helped make my transition into married life much smoother than it might otherwise have been.

It is very natural to be curious about sex and to spend time thinking about it, even before you are in a position to enjoy it with your (future) husband in the context of marriage. That drive is one God has put inside both men and women, and I do not think there is anything sinful about longing to experience something He created and called very good.

Where that yearning crosses into lust, I believe, is when you allow yourself to imagine doing things with a man who is not your husband (which, as long as you are single, means any man at all).

Rather than creating steamy scenes in your head of what it will be like or reading erotica or viewing porn — things which will actually inhibit your enjoyment of sex once you are married — I suggest you channel that energy into more wholesome pursuits, including:

Prayer

Don’t be shy about asking God to send you a husband. He has promised to give us the desires of our heart when we delight ourselves in the Lord, trusting Him fully and committing our ways unto Him. (Psalm 37:4-5)

Preparation

Use the waiting time (before Mr. Right shows up) to prepare yourself to be a better wife and mother, both by reading books and by developing skills that will help you in those endeavors. (You can view several recommended titles on marriage and motherhood by clicking on “My Favorites” in the menu bar.)

Projects

Rather than holing up at home, waiting for God to drop a husband on your doorstep, get involved in a few projects you feel passionate about. Stay active in your church, school, and community in ways that will allow you to meet guys with similar interests and life goals.

As for the birth control questions, that is something you will need to discuss with your future husband, once he shows up, and decide together with him what tack to take. You are smart to want to thoroughly research the options in advance, though. There are lots of things you’ll want to take into consideration before making such an important decision, including the following questions:

Is it abortifacient?

Some forms of “contraception” act not by preventing fertilization, but by preventing implantation. The IUD definitely falls into this category, in that it turns the womb into a hostile environment for the developing embryo. Hormonal contraceptives produce a similar effect by thinning the uterine lining so much that it is incapable of supporting life. If you believe, as we do, that life begins the moment egg and sperm unite, then you should avoid as unethical any methods of “family planning” that rely on spontaneous abortion to work.

What are the side effects?

As I’ve written before, hormonal contraceptives (such as the Pill) pack a powerful lot of potential health problems, including increased risk for breast cancer, heart disease, stroke, thyroid problems, and depression. For many women, they also cause a significant decrease in libido. Yet even non-hormonal methods of contraception may carry side-effects that will need to be taken into consideration, such as allergic reactions, skin sensitivities, itching, and discomfort during or after use.

Is it convenient?

Without question, hormonal contraceptives are probably the easiest to use. Now you can even have them implanted and not have to think about birth control at all for months at a time. But the fact that hormonal contraceptives failed the first two questions above makes their convenience much less attractive. Barrier methods are neither abortifacient nor dangerous to our long-term health, but they can be a bit of a hassle to use. Ditto for Natural Family Planning. The reliability of any method will hinge on your consistent compliance in using it correctly, so if you are set on using contraception, you’ll need to pick something for which the hassle factor is minimal.

I know that’s a lot to consider, but before you get too bogged down in deciding which method of birth control is best, you should probably back up and ask yourself some even more basic questions:

Why do I want to prevent pregnancy?

Is there a serious health concern? Extenuating circumstances? Or are you just doing what is expected of you or “what everyone else is doing” without fully considering the consequences?

Do I share God’s heart when it comes to children?

The Bible calls children a gift and unequivocal blessing. Jesus made time for children during His earthly ministry and told His disciples not to hinder their coming to him. Modern society, on the other hand, views children as a financial burden, a nuisance, and something to be nipped in the bud if the timing isn’t perfect. Where on that continuum do you fall?

Would I be content with no children at all?

The problem with the term “birth control” is that it insinuates we can decide to have a baby just as easily as we can choose to prevent one. That simply isn’t true. The average age for first marriage in the US is now 27 for women, which also happens to be the age at which her fertility begins to decline. For most women, the window of opportunity is closing before they are ever in a position to take advantage of it. If they postpone pregnancy for too long, they may miss the miracle of giving birth altogether. So you must ask yourself, in the event that such a thing happens, will you regret the years you squandered using contraceptives? If the answer is yes, you may want to rethink your position on using “birth control” at all.

Interested in reading more on this topic? Check out these books, all of which I highly recommend:

Adam and Eve After the Pill by Mary Eberstadt
Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies by Candice Watters
Be Fruitful and Multiply: What the Bible Says about Having Children by Nancy Campbell
Open Embrace: A Protestant Couple Rethinks Contraception by Sam and Bethany Torode
Three Decades of Fertility: Ten Ordinary Women Surrender to the Creator and Embrace Life by Natalie A Klejwa, et al.

I decided to post this response to your original letter, because I suspect lots of young girls wonder about the same questions, although few are so bold as to put them in writing. I appreciate your courage. You remind me a little of myself at your age, only I sent my questions to Elisabeth Elliot via snail mail. She answered, and I am eternally indebted to her for giving me such wise counsel and good advice! I would love to think that my words might have even a fraction of the impact on my readers that hers had on me.

Blessings,

Jennifer

10 Ways to Stop Arguing with your Spouse

How can I stop quarreling in my marriage?

That’s the message one of my readers sent in a few weeks ago. Only eight words, but they describe a big problem.

How can the solution to such a simple, straight-forward question be so elusive?

Even in the best of marriages, couples will occasionally “butt heads.” How do we keep conflicts from spinning out of control?

My husband and I have known each other for almost thirty years, and we’ve been married for nearly twenty-nine. Since we’re both firstborn and innately stubborn, I can assure you that in those three decades, we’ve had our fair share of arguments. But in the process, we’ve learned a thing or two about how to stop an argument before it starts.

Our Top 10 Tips for Couples who Want to Quit Quarreling:


Trade your pride in for humility.

Nobody is right 100% of the time, so stop pretending that you’re the exception to this rule. Be willing to look at things from your spouse’s perspective. Put at least as much effort into understanding the other’s viewpoint as you put into articulating your own. How many marriages have been destroyed by the stubborn refusal of either or both parties to humbly extend such basic considerations?

“Prides goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.” – Proverbs 16:18


Give up the right to have the last word.

Have you ever known (or been married to) someone who insists on always having the last word? It can be super-annoying, can’t it? Don’t be that person. Once you have gently explained your point of view, challenge yourself to remain quiet and voluntarily grant that last-word privilege to your spouse.

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” – Ogden Nash

Stay calm, especially when your spouse is stirred up.

It’s almost inevitable that your spouse will occasionally do or say something that irritates you, yet it’s important to keep those feelings of annoyance from turning into anger — particularly when the irritation is mutual. The Bible warns us not to let our anger control us (Ephesians 4:26). It is bad enough when one of you gives into anger; if you both lose your temper at once, the potential for damage is doubled, so take a deep breath, count to ten, and do whatever it takes to keep a cool head.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

Don’t belabor the point.

Make it your aim to communicate your thoughts clearly and concisely. That is a goal over which you have some measure of control. Convincing the other person to agree with you completely or to abandon their viewpoint in favor of your own, isn’t — and if you make it your goal, you will be setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment.

“You don’t need to drive it in and break it off.” – My dad’s advice to me whenever I’d perseverate on getting a point across

Be quick to apologize.

“Let not the sun go down on your wrath.” (Ephesians 4:26) That’s how the Bible advises us to deal with our anger. That gives you only a few hours to bury the hatchet before bedtime, so if you’ve had a spat, don’t wait for your spouse to make the first move toward reconciliation. Accept whatever blame belongs to you and apologize without pointing fingers.

“Love means never hesitating to say you’re sorry.” – My edited version of Erich Segal’s famous quote

Forgive without being asked.

You should forgive your spouse freely, as frequently as you are asked to do so (Matthew 18:21-22), but don’t feel like you have to wait for an apology before extending forgiveness. When you forgive — even (especially) if it is unsolicited — you protect your own heart from bitterness and resentment and keep your conscience clear toward God, who promises to forgive us as we forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15)

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham


Anticipate problems in advance.

With a little forethought, you can resolve many problems before they crop up. Identify common argument triggers and agree on an appropriate course of action beforehand. I know it puts my husband on edge when the house is a wreck, so I try to keep things tidy for his peace of mind. Likewise, he knows that I don’t like for him to look at his phone while driving, so he has me answer it for him when he receives a call on the road and pulls over to look at maps or send texts.

“The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.” – Proverbs 17:14


Embrace your differences.

Men and women are inherently different, not only in the way their bodies are made, but in the way they think and act and in what they value. “Different is not necessarily wrong, it’s just… different.” Stop trying to change your spouse to be more like you and learn instead to embrace those differences. Adapt to them. Be grateful for them. Celebrate the fact they exist. Life would be pretty boring if they didn’t.

“Vive la différence!” – Popular French saying which means long live the difference (between the sexes)

Confront sin carefully.

Of course, not all differences in behavior are a matter of taste, preference, or opinion. Sometimes our differences are rooted in sin. If such a power is at play in your marriage (and to some degree, sin rears its ugly head in every relationship), you may need to address the matter with your spouse. Do so in a firm but loving way, and pray for wisdom and the right words to say before you broach the subject (James 1:5). Be specific. Don’t generalize. Seek forgiveness for anything you’ve done that may have contributed to the problem (see #5 above), then leave room for the Holy Spirit to work in your spouse’s heart, convicting of sin and drawing unto repentance (2 Corinthians 7:9).

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” – Galatians 6:1


If you must argue, argue naked.

There are several advantages to having a difficult discussion in the nude: First, you are less likely to storm out of the house in the middle of it, slamming doors as you leave. Second, being naked puts you both in an exposed, vulnerable position, and tempers are less likely to flare when that is the case. Third, if you don’t have any clothes on, you are one step closer to making up when peace is restored. And fourth, seeing one another naked may inspire you to skip the argument altogether and enjoy some physical intimacy instead. Once all the resultant endorphins are circulating in your system, you may find the things that were irritating you earlier no longer even matter to your post-sex brain. So it’s a win-win!

“Make love, not war.” – Slogan coined by the hippie generation of the 1960’s

These ten practices aren’t theoretical; they are tried and true. My husband and I have been using them with great success for over a quarter century now. Sure, we still have impassioned discussions from time to time. We have different personalities and do not always see eye-to-eye.

But we are also a team. We are committed to marriage in general and to each other in specific, and we can attest that these guidelines, coupled with God’s unsurpassed grace, have kept those disagreements from driving a wedge into our relationship and causing a split or an all-out war.

What’s more, these principles (with the exception of #10) can be used to avoid arguments in your other relationships, as well. For more on this topic, read this post. Do you have a good secret for keeping the quarreling at bay? Please share in the comments below. Thanks!

Can a Married Woman Have Male Friends?

“What would be your advice to a wife on male friendships?”

That’s the question one of my readers sent in a few weeks ago. From the signature, it appears to have been written by the husband, not the wife — which tells me the matter has likely become a point of contention in their marriage already.

By way of response, I’m going to post a chapter from my book, 25 Ways to Communicate Respect that deals with this topic, but first I need to address an underlying question:

Can a married woman have male friends?

Roughly half the world’s population is male, so a woman will inevitably have to interact with the opposite sex at some point during her married life. She will encounter male bosses, physicians, waiters, police officers, sales clerks, coworkers, pastors, teachers and countless other men as she goes about her daily business.

Hopefully, all such interactions will be on friendly rather than antagonistic terms. So, in that sense, my answer is yes, a married woman can have male friends. Absolutely she can. But this sort of friendly acquaintance is not anything that would bother most husbands, and I don’t think that’s the problem troubling the one who wrote to me. His question runs much deeper than that:

Should a married woman have close male friends?

Should she cultivate an opposite-sex friendship that excludes her husband or makes him feel displaced?
Should she pour time and energy into any male-female relationship outside her immediate family?
Should she be texting, flirting, or spending time alone in the company of a man other than her husband?
Should she ignore her husband’s reservations concerning the amount of time she spends with a male colleague?

My answer to all these questions is no. It would be best for her marriage if she didn’t. (The same can be said for married men in regards to other women, a topic my husband addresses from a man’s perspective here: Husbands, Be Careful with Female Friendships)

Cultivating a Close Friendship with Your Spouse

Getting married changes a lot more than the marital status of the bride and groom — it also affects every other relationship either spouse is involved in. Family dynamics shift, responsibilities change, and old friends take a backseat to the new spouse.

That’s because marriage calls for a leaving and cleaving. When a man and woman become husband and wife, they should leave home and family behind — not just physically, but mentally and emotionally — as they begin to pour themselves into establishing a new family, building their own home, and investing in their joint future.

Roles change after marriage. Sure, family’s still family, and we still love them, but the dynamic is different. No longer are we children under parental authority, bound by their rules and dependent upon their provision. Rather, we’re mature adults who must make our own way and answer directly to God for the path we choose.

But marriage doesn’t only change the way we relate to our family, it also alters how we handle friendships.Not that our friends aren’t still our friends, but time spent with friends can no longer predominate our lives or free time.

This is especially true when it comes to male-female friendships.

Time spent socializing with friends of the opposite sex should probably be scaled back to zero, unless spouses are present. Such a practice would be consistent with traditional marriage vows, which include a pledge to “forsake all others and cling only unto thee.”

If you want to safeguard your marriage and assure your husband of your undying love and devotion, then you must be extremely careful in the way you relate to, speak of, and think about other men.

Once you’re married, there is no room for flirting with anyone except your husband; you must be more guarded when interacting with the opposite sex. Let there be no ambiguity about your commitment to marriage in general or to your husband in particular.

Never compare your husband unfavorably to another man. It is neither fair nor respectful and will only breed trouble and discontent. Don’t compare him to your:

father
father-in-law
family members
friends
fellow workers
Facebook followers
fictional characters
fantasy of ideal manhood

Assure your husband that he has your whole heart. Affirm and admire him every chance you get. You may want to avoid even positive comparisons, because they still send the message that he is being measured against other men. This can cause feelings of insecurity, for if you make a habit of comparing your husband to others, he may fear that a comparison will eventually be made in which he’ll be found lacking.

Take care not to rave too enthusiastically about a member of the opposite sex, real or imaginary. Many wives would feel slighted to hear their husband go on and on about how drop-dead gorgeous another woman is. Even if it were true, and the woman in question were strikingly beautiful, it would seem inappropriate for a married man to provide gushing commentary on that fact.

Likewise, most husbands would prefer not to hear the rapturous praise of another man being sung by their wife. If your eyes are going to light up when you speak about a man, you’d better be talking about the one you’re married to.

A wife should avoid watching movies or reading books that might cause her to stumble in this area, as well. Jesus said that when we lust in our heart after someone to whom we are not married, we are guilty of committing adultery. (Matthew 5:27-28) Notice that this warning applies as readily to women as it does to men.

So before you pick up that romance novel, or buy that movie ticket, or pin that portrait of some shirtless star onto your (real or virtual) bulletin board, ask yourself whether doing so will be a snare and a trap to you. If so, choose the high road.

Pray with the psalmist, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14) The word for “meditation” may also be translated “thoughts.” And there are many more verses that address the importance of our thought patterns:

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” (Proverbs 4:23)
“For out of the heart come evil thoughts… adultery, sexual immorality…. These are what defile a person.” (Matthew 15:19)

Having eyes only for your husband doesn’t really start with your eyes. It begins with your heart and with your mind. So take the battle there and prevail.

Put It into Practice:

It’s good for married couples to develop friend-ships with other married couples. Look for couples who share and support your values and vision for family. Couples who are in the same season of life will be able to identify closely with your struggles, which can be good for encouragement and brainstorming, but you should also form friendships with older couples if possible — couples who are a little further down life’s road and can point out the pitfalls and provide wise and godly counsel.

When praising your husband, use comparisons only in the most general (and superlative) terms: “You’re the sexiest man alive” is acceptable. “You’re better looking than our mechanic” probably isn’t. Let your husband’s good qualities stand on their own merit rather than measuring him against a specific person. Build him up without tearing others down.
If you’ve developed a habit of comparing your husband negatively to others, either verbally or mentally, turn over a new leaf. If faults must be addressed, do so prayerfully and respectfully without dragging anybody else into the picture.


This post was adapted from 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband: A Handbook for Wives

How to Find Happiness: 6 Keys to Lasting Love

I’m hoping the stats have changed since last year’s embarrassing security breach, but February 15th has historically been the busiest, most profitable day of the year for the adultery-marketing website known as Ashley Madison.

Why is that? Why would record numbers of married folks go looking for an affair the very next day after Valentine’s?

I can answer that in one word: Selfishness.

Granted, that’s probably not a word the adulterers themselves would use. More likely than not, they’d cite reasons such as:

Disappointment
Unmet expectations
Frustration
Lack of intimacy
Unfulfilled longing
Weariness of excuses
Loss of love

But all these things share a common goal: Fulfilling MY wishes. MY wants. MY expectations. MY desires. Securing MY happiness.

They all revolve around ME — and that means they all boil down to selfishness and self-centeredness.

Here’s the problem: You cannot build a strong and happy marriage when your primary concern is “What can you do for me” instead of “What can I do for you.” As long as gratifying SELF is our objective, all attempts to find lasting love will eventually and inevitably end in failure.

Happiness in marriage comes not from focusing on what you can get, but by focusing on what you can give.

The soil of entitlement? It is hopelessly barren, devoid of nutrients, and can produce nothing but discontentment and dissatisfaction.

The soil of gratitude and self-sacrifice, on the other hand, is rich and fertile. Bury a seed of love deep within that ground, and it will grow strong, will bear good fruit, and will endure — even when hardships come.

How do we do that? How can we find happiness in marriage? How do we build a love that lasts?

As with all of life’s most important questions, the answer can be found in Scripture:

6 Keys to Lasting Love


Put the other first

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)
“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10)

Treat the other well

“In everything, treat others as you would want them to treat you, for this fulfills the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 7:12)
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34)

Be kind

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” (Colossians 3:12)

Be forgiving

“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
“Bear with each other and forgive any complaint you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)

Be sympathetic

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” (1 Peter 3:8)
“Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus.” (Romans 15:5)

Be available

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other…” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

Whether or not your Valentine’s Day was everything you’d hoped it would be, I pray that you will give fresh consideration to how you can apply these verses to your marriage. It is time to shift your focus from what your husband is (or isn’t) doing to make you happy and begin brainstorming instead all the ways you might bring happiness to him.

Date Night: What if My Husband Won’t Plan It?

I received this question from one of my readers several months ago. I replied privately at the time, but with Valentine’s Day just around the corner (and all the attendant expectations wives sometimes muster up this time of year), I thought it might be a good idea to share my thoughts on this subject here.

Question:

What do I do when my husband doesn’t see eye-to-eye with me on cultivating our marriage?

… I have brought to my husband’s attention numerous times (in playful ways, trying not to nag) that I would love to go on a date with him again (I can’t remember the last time we did), spend some time alone, that I need some romance in my life. His response is generally a chuckle followed by a comment that we will “when we have the money.”

It’s been a couple months now… no dates. No change. He is only really amorous when he or I initiate intimacy. We have friends I know would watch our son for free (we’ve done the same for them)…but I fear that if I give up on him initiating this and make all the plans myself, I will just resent him for not “being the man” and doing it himself.

I don’t want to whine to him. I pray about it and ask God to make this a priority to him…. I’ve also prayed that God would change MY heart to be content with the romance in the mundane…. It’s not as easy a fix as I had hoped.

He was so romantic and creative when we were dating! Homemade desserts, hikes, galas, long chats on long walks, and he always initiated it which I LOVED.

How do I get that side of him back?

Any suggestions are most appreciated.

Answer:

Please forgive me for taking so long to reply. I promise I didn’t forget about you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and praying for your situation.

Reading between the lines of your letter [abridged for this post], I can almost hear you thinking things like this:

If my husband really loved me, he’d understand why this is so important to me.
If he really cared, he would see how desperately I need a break.
Our relationship is obviously more of a priority to me than it is to him, otherwise, he’d want to nurture it, too.
Planning dates is really my husband’s responsibility. It won’t mean as much if I do it.
A real man would want to romance his wife after marriage as enthusiastically as he did before.
If I give in and start planning our dates myself, he’ll lose all initiative and never plan another.

Let me just say that all these thoughts are lies straight from the pit of Hell. Don’t listen to them.

Satan is trying to blind you to the wonderful things your husband is doing, by focusing your attention on what he isn’t doing. Don’t fall prey to that trick, or the hurt you’re feeling now will grow and fester until you are completely bitter and malcontented.

It is obvious from the [omitted] details of your letter that your husband is very devoted. He cooks dinner, helps with cleaning, is a wonderful father — all while working on a difficult post-graduate degree. It’s obvious your plate is very full during this season, as well: working full-time, caring for a toddler, carrying a new baby (which in itself can be exhausting and — as you intimated — can wreak havoc on your emotions). Please just accept the fact that you are in the midst of a demanding time of life, but that all those challenges will eventually pass (to inevitably be replaced by new ones). You will not always be deprived of sleep. Your husband will eventually finish that degree. Your pregnancy hormones will dissipate once you’ve delivered. Your husband may even rediscover the creativity he put to such good use when you were dating.

In the meantime, I would recommend that you stop hinting and start acting. If you are desperate for a date night with your husband, go ahead and plan one yourself. Tell him that it’s important to you, but that you know he’s busy with school and are more than happy to make the necessary arrangements, so what day would work best for his schedule? Line up the free babysitting and make it a night to remember.

Let yourself enjoy it just as thoroughly as if he had planned it instead of you. Your carefree smile — with no undertones of resentment or disappointment — will remind your husband of the girl he pursued so creatively when you were dating. And that will be good for your marriage.

When I was dating my husband, he wrote me lots and lots of letters. That really stole my heart, because I’m a big letter writer myself, and I loved the fact that we shared this in common. We’ve been married 28 years, and I could probably count on one hand the number of letters he’s written me since the wedding (although he often writes himself notes of things he wants to tell me when he gets home from work, a habit I adore). The letters are no longer necessary, because we are together every single evening and can talk face to face. (We can also do other things now that we’re married that were out-of-bounds before. I’d trade all the romance and creativity and correspondence that characterized our dating for the “mundane” pleasures of married life in a heartbeat.)

Nevertheless, that has not always been my attitude. When I was in your shoes — married just a few years with a couple of babies, roller-coaster hormones, shoestring budget, and a husband working on a very difficult professional degree — I threw my fair share of pity parties. Although I was completely blind to it at the time, I was being extremely selfish and self-centered. I’m convinced our marriage would not have survived had God not changed my attitude, so that I stopped focusing on perceived shortcomings in my husband and on trying to change him, and instead woke up to my own shortcomings and allowed God to change me.

A friend of mine recently told me of a romantic getaway she and her husband (also a physician) had taken this summer. She was still elated from the wonderful time they had together, and smiled broadly as she explained to me how she’d planned the whole thing herself: She called her husband’s office and asked the receptionist not to schedule any patients for the days he’d be out of town. She bought the airline tickets and booked the hotel. She packed the bags and then picked him up from work and drove him to the airport. She said that as she pulled into the parking space, he looked her in the eyes and said, “Thank you! Thank you so much for making this happen.” They both knew it wouldn’t have happened otherwise, as the responsibilities of running a busy practice would have convinced him he couldn’t take time away.

But she also knew that making that time was important for both of them, and in the long run, it really didn’t matter who made the reservations.

Sunrise, Sunset: A Celebration of Marriage

Some of you know that our second-oldest son got married last fall. We couldn’t be more delighted with the girl he chose to be his bride, but I must confess to shedding a few tears during the wedding ceremony at the thought of how very quickly he grew up.

It brought to mind this wonderful old song from Fiddler on the Roof. Not so very long ago, I was singing this very song to my children as a lullaby.

Remembering how much I love it, my son surprised me by having this tune played for a special dance with me at the reception. (I would have brushed up on my waltzing had I known that was coming!)

So I decided to return the favor and surprise him by making a little video rendition of the same tune. The lyrics, which I tweaked just a bit to better fit the situation, can be found at the end of this post. (If you cannot see the video below, click here to view it.)

Sunrise, Sunset

Original text by Sheldon Harnick

(Second refrain lyrics by Jennifer Flanders)

Is this the little boy I carried?

Is this the little girl at play?

I don’t remember growing older.

When did they?

When did she get to be a beauty?

When did he grow to be so tall?

Wasn’t it yesterday when they were small?

Sunrise, sunset.

Sunrise, sunset.

Swiftly flow the days.

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers,

Blossoming even as we gaze.

Sunrise, sunset.

Sunrise, sunset.

Swiftly fly the years.

One season following another,

Laden with happiness and tears.

Now is the little boy a bridegroom.

Now is the little girl a bride.

Under the canopy we see them,

Side-by-side.

Place the gold ring around her finger.

Pledge your sweet love and share a kiss.

God’s plan for marriage can be seen in this:

One man, one wife,

Wedded for life,

Join hearts as they pray:

“Lord, pour Your blessings out upon us,

“Help us stay faithful, day by day.

“In want, in wealth,

“In sickness and health,

“Keep us ever true,

“And — as You planned from the beginning —

“Let our love point others back to You.”