Nancy Wilson's Blog, page 21

May 14: Communication Part 2

In the last post about communication the biggest application that I wanted to make is that even when you are the one who is hurt or needy or upset, you need to take responsibility to treat others the way you would like to be treated. Other people who are around you do not necessarily know what to do with you, and you need to take responsibility to help them. Even if what you are saying is, “Thanks, but I’d rather not talk about that right now. What have you been up to?”

Let’s imagine a scenario in which a woman in the church just had a miscarriage, is struggling with fertility, or maybe isn’t married at all but would like to be.  She could very easily be angry and hurt if no one says anything. She could be angry and hurt if people say something. She could be angry that no one said, “I know how you feel”, and she could be angry if someone said, “I know how you feel.”

This kind of thing is very awkward for the people who would like to show support and love. It can be like the Russian roulette of community living. You try to say the right thing, but instead you will hear three years later through someone else what you did wrong. Part of the problem here is that we tend to think of our interactions as a situation where one person bears the responsibility and the other person receives whatever they have to offer. And often what they have to offer is not the right thing. But Christian living means always loving your neighbor. It means loving them when you are down, and loving them when they are down. We all need to take responsibility for our own half of the communication. If you are struggling with depression, don’t expect that everyone else knows this and is just choosing to ignore it. If you are struggling with wanting a baby, don’t think that every comment about a pregnancy is aimed at you. If you are wanting to be married don’t take it personally when other people are married.

Now here is the real reason that I wanted to bring this up. When you are needy (or mad or hurt of sad or whatever), and someone close to you wants to help, you have an obligation to help them help you. Do unto others, and love your neighbor as yourself. We often use the fact that we are having a hard time to be completely appalling to the person who is trying to help us. You need to communicate with your husband what you need. You need to say, “I don’t think I need a solution right now, I just need a hug and to laugh about it.”  What you do not need to do is perfect your cold shouldered scowl and hug shrug.

Now here is the trouble. It is easy to be in your bad mood and feeling completely confident that there is a perfect, obvious, and right thing that that person should have said, yet they completely failed. They are ignoring the clear path to making you feel better and are instead trying to help you with the laundry. They are ignoring the obvious, and messing everything up. But if you prioritize them, and you take the risk of trying to communicate your needs, you will often find out something unfortunate. You cannot tell your husband what you need him to say to you because, Lo, there is nothing that he could say to you that would not annoy you right now. It is often the case that everyone else’s bad communication is actually our own bad attitude. If you try to express what you need, and you find out that you cannot say it yourself, you may have found out whose fault it is.

One of the great side benefits to this is that when you focus on loving the other person, you are laying down your defenses. It is a way of being open to their support and kindness. Often times, when you lay down your defenses you will find that the imperfect and clumsy things that they are saying are actually perfect.

 

May 13: Communication Part 1

We have all heard countless times how important good communication is. It is important in marriages, in parenting, in work relationships, and in broader community settings. Whenever we have a relationship in which we can be both the needer and the giver, communication becomes a very big issue.

The main theme in this is of course, the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Explain to others the things that you would like if they would explain to you. Do not hold other accountable to know what to do with you when you would not know what to do with them.

The important thing to notice about the golden rule in this instance is where the responsibility lies. Do unto others (Matt. 7:12). Essentially, this can mean, “In whatever you are doing, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” And note, you are always doing something. Even if you are the one who was just wronged, this applies to you. The verse does not say, “Surround yourself with others who will treat you as you would like to be treated.” There is more than enough room in the word “doing” to encompass all the behaviors of mankind towards one another, on both sides.

Let me give a few examples of some ways that this applies that we might really rather leave out of it:

“Get your feelings hurt by others in the way that you would want their feelings hurt by you.”

“Give the cold shoulder to people in the same way that you would want them giving the cold shoulder to you.”

“Be as demanding of a friend as you would want others to be unto you.”

“Expect as much tact in difficult situations of others as you would want them expecting of you.”

“Read into the motives of others in the same way that you would want them reading into yours.”

“Jump to conclusions about others in the same way that you would want them jumping to conclusions about you.”

I think that the really pivotally important point here is that even when you are the one who feels needy – when it is you who is hurting, when you are the one needing encouragement and everyone else seems to be doing fine – even then, this is your responsibility. Do unto others. Do not use the times when you are clearly the underdog to gather up offenses and file them in the cabinets of your heart. Do not use your situation to shine an unloving spotlight on everyone else. Show them the love that you would want shown to you. Do not replay gaffes in your head – do not add more sneer, more snark, more willful ignorance into their comments. Do unto others.

 

You Are Invited!

Bekah’s Fashion and Fabric Design Class is Coming!

Logos Press is offering many online classes this coming Fall 2013, and one of them is a class on fashion and fabric design, taught by Bekah Merkle. If you’re interested, they have church group and school rates, so feel free to call Logos Press to inquire.

Can't see the video in your RSS reader or email? Click Here!

Glory Makers

Some of you have asked from time to time whether the Glory Makers talks from the Grace Agenda Conference last fall are available….well I just noticed today that they are now available at Canon Press.

The Hot Tip Exchange

Has anyone else noticed that while we have been blogging a lot more (hello devotionals), we have been chatting a lot less?  It’s basically like trying to talk while you are on a jog. Not so much lung power leftover. But, in spite of this, we have gone on living a very chatty real life. Full of small news and less than fascinating anecdotes.

Some of the small news that I keep wanting to share falls into the category of hot tips. Things that I have tried at home and found to be a big help. I thought that it would be fun to ask you all to share any of these sorts of things that you discovered in your own homes as well. Since Pinterest is crawling with suggestions like this, I want to limit it to things that you have actually implemented. Things that you can testify to the helpfulness of.

Here’s what I’ve got  in random and unconnected order:

I’ve had this canvas sweater stacker for a long time and never really found it to be super helpful in the closet. Suddenly it occurred to me to pull it out for summer shoes. I printed out initials  and traced them with a sharpie onto the front of each one. Clearly I have the perfect number of children to use this, but even without that happy coincidence, I think this could be useful. I would have been happy to have an extra one for diapers and wipes – since this is by the door in our house.

This is what I was trying to knit in the front yard in that first picture with Shadrach assisting. Teeny tiny dishcloths. I have a theory here, unproven. These are for my kids to use to clean off their faces, elbows, whatever, when I tell them to clean up in the bathroom. Big washcloths lend themselves to serious levels of sloshwashing. My theory is that due to ease of wringing out, these will work for them. Also possible – sloshwashing will takes itself to a new, cuter, and more colorful level. Either way I think I’m ok with it. These are super quick, mindless, and use up the random leftovers I always have from knitting real dishcloths.

 

This random metal box that I paid too much for at a farm yard sale years ago has been around. But now it is helpfully around. This is in the living room, on a shelf- but inside is where I keep all the hair things for the girls. Brushes, “pretties” as we call hairbands, and even the detangling spray. Many the morning that I do hair while they are at the table eating breakfast. I find hair ties and brushes all over the house, and they all go right into this. For us, it works.

And my last hot tip is to buy extra vegetable peelers, and a lettuce knife. These peelers are not too sharp, but work well. Often times when kids come in wanting to help with dinner, I have them peel potatoes or carrots. When it is one of the littler ones, I have them do it even if we aren’t eating carrots or potatoes for dinner. Both are cheap, peeling is great fun and good practice. I have also put small people at chairs in the kitchen with a funnel, a jar, an ice cube tray, and a little bowl of dried beans with a spoon in it. So long as you are nearby to prevent stuffing it into ears and noses, that is also a ton of fun.

The lettuce knife is serrated plastic – it would be really hard to cut yourself with. We are just starting a rotation of who is on duty to help with dinner, and the greatest thrill of all is cutting up the lettuce for the salad all by yourself. Also – until I got this knife, I always used a disposable plastic knife to cut brownies (and I hear cakes and cheesecakes work too) as it keeps it from clouding up on the knife – it just shoots right through even the most luscious of brownies.

So – I like to think that I have a ton more tips where these came from, but I doubt it. I may have maxed out here. You may have heard all the ideas I have had, ever. But I’d love to hear yours! Share in the comments – you know we can all use a few more hot tips!

 

 

May 6: Remembering Part 3

“Be not ye afraid of them: remember the Lord, which is great and terrible , and fight for your brethren, your sons, and your daughters, your wives, and your houses” (Nehemiah 4:14).

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God” (Psalm 20:7).

Here are two verses in which “remember” is used as a strengthening. Look back on what the Lord has done to give you boldness, to give you courage, and to give you the strength to fight against seemingly impossible odds. Remember that even if the priests of Baal scare you, that they don’t scare God. Remember how God makes a fool of them. Remember how God is the creator. Remember how God is not afraid, and use that to not be afraid yourself.

“Remember his marvelous works that he hath done , his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth” (1 Chronicles 16:12).

“All the ends of the world shall remember and turn unto the LORD: and all the kindreds of the nations shall worship before thee” (Psalm 22:27).

Here  we see remembering being used sort of synonymously with repenting. The world remembering is the world worshiping. The world remembering is the world being right with its creator.

“Having eyes, see ye not? and having ears, hear ye not? and do ye not remember? ” (Mark 8:18).

Here we see that calling people to remember is calling people to repentance. And remembering calls us out of this state of inaction into holiness. Remember what happened, and be holy.

 ”That ye may remember , and do all my commandments, and be holy unto your God”  (Numbers 15:40).

“Remember that Jesus Christ of the seed of David was raised from the dead according to my gospel” (2 Timothy 2:8).

This kind of remembering is not just an intellectual pursuit. God is not telling us to simply know something. We are to act on that knowledge. Because remembering is keeping something in your mind. It is a continuous activity.

The following passages are examples of asking God to not remember our sins, but instead remember His promise to us.

“Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness’ sake, O LORD”  (Psalm 25:7).

“Do not abhor us, for thy name’s sake, do not disgrace the throne of thy glory: remember, break not thy covenant with us” (Jeremiah 14:21).

And here we have an example of God promising just that:

 ”For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more” (Hebrews 8:12).

 

 

 

May 3: Remembering Part 2

 

Another angle of remembering is that while we freely make promises to our children, (we’ll do that soon, maybe tomorrow, not right now, in a little bit) we frequently hope that they will forget. When they continue to bring up these things with us, we can almost feel like their memory is an unseemly fault of theirs. Like remembering is nagging. Like claiming their right to something is selfish and wrong. God is the opposite of this to us. He delights in the transaction of promise and remembering. He loves for His people to repeat His promises back to Him. To come before His throne and say, “Lord, you said..”

We have changed some of our promising in our house to try to be more consistent with this. We try to only promise things that we are  certain that we are going to do (Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise), and we also try to make remembrance welcome.  One of our most practical changes has been  saying, “We will do this later. If we have not done it by bedtime tomorrow, you can remind me and we will let you stay up late to do it.”

Not only does this keep me from casually saying the equivalent of, “Oh sure kids, we will stay up way into the night playing Monopoly, making playdough, making a puppet, practicing knitting, reading big books, riding our bikes, and going to the park!” – it also makes it a positive thing for the kids to remember, and makes them more certain of my word. It is so easy to train our children to not value our word to them, and it is so easy for us to almost prefer that.

But think of this in the context of the limitless, enormous things that God has promised to us. What kinds of things has He told us to remind Him of? What is the scope of the love that He has for us that He wants us to pray without ceasing, to come before Him with our every hurt and need, and He will lift us up. He has promised to sustain us through every trial, He has promised His love, He has promised His faithfulness. He has promised us that our sins will be washed away and that we will be whiter than snow, dressed in the righteousness of His son.

God is not afraid to promise big, and He delights in us hanging on to those promises.

May 2: Remembering Part 1

Probably one of the most common excuses that children like to use is, “I forgot.” Yes, they know that you just told them that, yes they heard you. They just forgot about what you told them before they followed through on it. Or they intended to follow through so slowly that by the time you came back around to check on them you see that they really have forgotten.

Of course as parents, it is our responsibility to make sure that “I forgot” is not a line that gets your children off the hook. That is not a reasonable reason to disobey, it is an additional sin to confess. Forgetting is not something that we are allowed to do. Forgetting is in itself a sin.

Of course I am not including in this forgetting something like a date, or the name of that book you read, or some of the multiplication table. And there are also times when forgetting is godly – like forgetting an offense against you. I am talking specifically about forgetting what you have been told to do.

It’s not a leap to say that if we expect that our children should remember what they have been told to do, it is also the case that we should be remembering what God has told us to do. We are His children, and we are also fond of using the excuse of forgetfulness.

Practically speaking, it is important for us to turn our hearing of God’s word into immediate and active response. Imagine your children, forgetting what you told them to do because they got distracted by something tiny. They saw a plastic lion and started a game right on top of the laundry that you told them to take downstairs.

How often do we treat the word of God like this? God says to confess your sins. We heard. But we decided to mess around with something else right on top of that sin. Technically we could pass a quiz on what God told us to do, but you would never know it by our application. The longer we fail to act on what we hear, the more likely it is to get very confusing, because the more we are actually beginning to forget.

 

 

 

 

Pro-life for all of life

Rachel has a post over on Desiring God that I know you’ll want to read. Just thought I’d let you know!