Nancy Wilson's Blog, page 18

Delayed Obedience

One of the troubles moms can encounter once their kids reach a certain height and vocabulary is the constant “Why?” that follows when you tell them to do (or not do) something.

“Johnny, quit jumping on the couch.”

“Why?”

It is a perfectly reasonable question, and I was always happy to answer it AFTER the obedience.

“Quit jumping and then you may ask me why.”

I remember teaching my children how important it was to obey first and ask questions later. You never know what kind of situation might arise where instant obedience is crucial. I told my kids a story that I had read about a missionary who had looked out the front door to see his child playing beneath a tree in the yard. On the branch over the child was a very large and deadly snake. The father called to his son, “Johnny, drop on your knees and crawl to me.” Johnny did as his father said, and once he was out of range, his father explained the reason for his sudden and seemingly weird command. The point, I would tell my children, is that you must always obey me right away, without question. You may ask questions later. What might have happened if the boy had said, “Why?”

From this principle came what we called the “delayed obedience is disobedience” rule. Obedience must be immediate. If I told a child to set the table and came back to find the table still unset, the excuse of “I just hadn’t gotten started yet, but I was going to in just a minute” didn’t hold any water with us. That was disobedience. If we said, “Time to put your book down and get ready for bed” and the child just kept on reading….that was disobedience. It was no good saying, “I was just going to finish this page.” However, if the child said, “May I just finish this page?” that was not disobedience. That was a reasonable question.

Now why did we make such a point about obedience? There are several reasons, the most important one being that God tells children to obey their parents. We wanted our children to grow up obeying God, and obeying us was a means of getting there. He said to. The other reason is that we wanted our children to mature into self-governed adults. They learn to obey us, then they will obey God, and obey their boss or their teacher or the law. Obedience is a good thing. We provided the training wheels and our children became God-obeying adults.

This is why parents must insist on obedience the first time. We often reminded our kids ahead of time so they would be disposed to obey. For example, I had a few rules about going to the grocery store. On the way to the store, we would review those rules. At the check-out, if they had obeyed, I bought them some gum as a well-earned reward. If they didn’t obey, they were disciplined when I got home. If I did not follow through on what I had promised, then they would never believe me. Why should they?

Moms can’t be all bluster or the kids learn to totally tune her out. She says get off the stairs, but she will look the other way, and the child can continue on up, and Mom will forget all about it. What lesson does that teach about obedience? It’s only important when they are looking. But God sees always. We don’t just obey Him when we think He might be looking.

Children should take Mom’s commands very seriously. The only way this will happen is if Mom takes them very seriously. She must be careful of what she commands and faithful to see it through. This is one of the reasons why mothering is a full-time, demanding job with big-time consequences. It takes a whole lot of concentration to teach children to obey, and it has very big dividends.

Thinking Thoughts

One of the things we moms (of all ages!) need to be constantly alert to are our own thoughts about who we are as mothers. We can either define ourselves, our lives, our children, and our calling according to Scripture, or we will define it all according to any number of misguided ideas. And though it would be nice to blame all those misguided ideas on the world, the flesh, or the devil, I am pretty sure we can cook them up all by ourselves.

Rather than listening to ourselves, we need to speak (sometimes firmly) to ourselves. Here are a few examples of what I mean.

1. “This is just drudgery. I just do the same thing over and over and never make any progress.”

This is giving yourself a bad job description. This is not what God calls homemaking. God calls it “good works.” But we shouldn’t pretend that it isn’t work. Good works usually involve very hard work. Good works are not good ideas or good feelings or good intentions. Homemaking is a humble calling, but it is a glorious calling at the same time. Making your home an oasis for your family is a mystery indeed. Who can understand the depth of the significance of all that this means to your children and grandchildren?

2. “My children and the housework are such a heavy burden.”

A burden is a load you are carrying, and it requires strength. Think of it this way: the more fruit you have in your basket, the heavier it is. But what would you rather have in your basket? What would you rather be spending your strength on than your own family? Bringing up children is a privilege and a challenge. Yes, it requires heavy lifting. Yes, it’s a workout. But God will bless it in the long haul, so don’t tell yourself that it’s like moving a rock across the yard and then moving it back again.

3. “I wish I could be involved in some mercy ministry. That would be more meaningful.”

Ah, but you are. Mothers have so many opportunities to extend mercy that they all run together. What is a hot meal on the table but a huge mercy? What is a clean pair of socks but more mercy? What is changing a soiled diaper on a child who can’t even say, “Thanks, Mom” but mercy upon mercy? What is baking a pie to serve to your people but pure, undefiled mercy? I hope you get the idea. The mercy you extend to your family is very meaningful for them. You are blessing them. And once you determine to see it that way, you will find the blessing that is waiting for you in it as well.

4. “My house is a mess, my kids are a mess, I am a mess, and I’ll never catch up.”

Rewind the tape and see if you can’t say something more positive. If your house is a mess, then it’s probably due to all the activity that’s been going on in there. It is a hurdle, that house of yours, and you have mastered it before. Do it again (see #1). Exercise dominion over it. Subdue it. Conquer it! You and your kids are probably not as big a mess as you are feeling right now, but saying it to yourself will only make you (and them) start to believe it. Why not say something a little less critical about yourself and your kids? Make them feel loved and appreciated, not lumped in with the dirty house. Laugh at the situation and then roll up your sleeves. Start at one end and plow through. God is not nearly as concerned about the house as He is about your spiritual state.

5. “No one appreciates me. This is a thankless job. I am not really important to anyone.”

This is what we tell ourselves when we are wanting to simply wallow in it. This is when we simply have to tell ourselves to knock it off. Think about the people in your life that you should thank and then thank them. Then remind yourself that you are a very poor judge of other people’s appreciation or lack of appreciation. It would be nice if we all got notes and flowers and thank-you gifts each week, but that’s not what we are really looking for long term. We want God to say that we’ve done a good job. We want Him to say that we’ve been faithful with what He has given us. Thank Him for the responsibility He has bestowed on you, and ask Him to help you appreciate all He has given you.

In all these things, it is like taking our own heads and making ourselves look in a different direction. Don’t listen to yourself, listen to Jesus. He has you in His hands. He will strengthen you for all He has called you to do. Offer it all to Him with thanksgiving, and He will give you joy. This is what it means to set our minds on things above rather than things below. It requires action on our part. We must pick up our thoughts and set them down somewhere else.

 

 

 

 

A Mother’s Law

When you have small children, and you want to train them up in a way that pleases God, you’re going to need to remind yourself of some basic principles pretty often. I still remember going over these and going over them again to keep my bearings.

1. Pick your battles carefully and always win. I can remember talking with Doug about some little habit or behavior in the children that I was concerned about, and we would decide together whether it was really worth making an issue over it. Let’s say nail biting. If I say, “You may not do that,” I have to be willing to enforce it now. What happens if the nail gets bitten after I have issued a command? If nothing happens, then I have just undermined my own authority. We decided to let that kind of thing go, and teach on it without laying down any law. But if it was an issue of more importance, like hitting your sister, that was a battle I had to win.

2. Obedience must be in the little things and the big things. This goes back to being very careful about issuing commands. If I say, “Pick up your toys,” but the child wanders off and I forget about it, I have just taught the child that obedience doesn’t really matter. It is so easy for parents to fire off commands one after another and then ignore whether the children are obeying or not. Better to not issue any commands! If you don’t establish your authority clearly, you won’t have any.

3. Mothers can be tempted to go soft. You issued a command, the child disobeyed, and then you start making excuses for the child. When you told the child to do the thing, you did not take into account what you would do if he didn’t obey. And now you’re sorry you said it! Either quit issuing the commands or follow through. Better to give the child one command and see that he does it, than give three commands that he ignores.

4. Don’t get into an adversarial relationship with your children. You are in authority over them. Don’t argue with them! “Yes, you did!” “No I didn’t!” Certainly you can answer questions and discuss things. But arguing undermines your authority. Listen. Think it over. Make a decision. But don’t argue.

5. Don’t take disobedience personally. If your child disobeys, don’t get your feelings hurt. You are the adult! Don’t attribute motives to the child.

6. Decide which things are most important and work on those. Don’t try to do everything at once! Think of how overwhelming that would be to your child. If he is getting in trouble with you all day long, it’s time to reduce the commands and restrictions. Simplify!

7. Assign a name for the particular disobedience and call it that consistently. If you are always calling it by various names, they won’t get what it is you are trying to correct. Example: fussing, grumpiness, complaining, arguing, disrespect. Which is it? Call it that each time so they get the picture.

8. Keep a minimum of rules. My husband’s house had three rules: no disobeying, no lying, no disrespecting Mom. Disobedience goes back to my earlier points. Keep the rules simple so they know when they are disobeying.

9. Try reproof before you resort to the rod. Be wise and firm, but never angry. If you are angry, you are in no condition to administer discipline to a child. Get your own heart disciplined first. Remember that discipline is not for your benefit because you are annoyed and have had enough. Discipline is for the child because you love him!

10. All discipline should be judicial, calm, and righteous. I remember giving my son some well-deserved swats once and thinking, “I’m pleasing God!” You can’t say that if you are fuming mad.

Charles Bridges says, “Awe of parental authority is the foundation of the utmost freedom of childlike confidence. It is a valuable safeguard against a thousand follies of uncontrolled waywardness.”

 

 

Design Seminar

So I thought it was about time that I breeze in and answer those questions about the design seminar which I promised to answer . . . oh . . . months ago now! I’ve had a bunch of people asking questions – so I’ll try and make sure I hit them all in a semi-orderly fashion.

1. What am I talking about?

Logos Press Online is offering a series of live online seminars, starting this fall. I will be teaching one on fashion and fabric design. Click here to see the video, details, etc.

2. Who is eligible to take the class?

Absolutely anyone who is interested. This design seminar would be terrific for any high school girl who is interested in design, but it would totally work for older women  who are interested in learning more about the design process. Whether you’re interested in sewing clothes for yourself, sewing clothes for your daughters, or designing fabric for your living room upholstery, this class will cover it all. These seminars are different than the other online high school classes which Logos Press is also offering. Those are aimed at high school kids – the seminars are for everyone.

3. When does it meet?

Every Thursday, at 4:00 pm Eastern time. (1:00 pm here on the west coast)

4. What’s the format?

You log on to your computer at the appointed time and watch me talk at you – I can’t see you and you can’t see the other people in the class. I’ve had some people ask if they would seem too old for the class – this is why that doesn’t matter at all. It isn’t like signing up for a high school class when you’re 38 – but even if it was, no one would know!

5. Is it interactive at all?

Not during the class itself. However, we’re going to have a forum via private facebook group – which is of course totally optional. If you want to share ideas, post pictures, get feedback etc. that will be available, and you can use that as much or as little as you want. Students in the class can interact with each other there, and you can also ask me questions or request that I clarify things etc.

6. Is there homework?

No – nothing is graded. I will give optional assignments / exercises / things you could be trying – and whether you do them or not is totally up to you. If you do them you’ll probably learn more, and I’m assuming that if you sign up for this it’s because you enjoy it – and I happen to think that the exercises will be awesomely fun. But no one will check to find out if you did it or not. (And if you do it and it turns out dreadfully, no one has to know!)

7. What will be covered in the class?

We’re going to cover basic textile design – with lots of emphasis on how to do it yourself. We’ll talk about different kinds of designs, what makes a good design, how to pair prints, how to get your design into a repeat, how to do different colorways, etc. The goal is to have everyone actually able to have  fabric printed with their own original design. This part of the class works for people interested in interior design as well as fashion design. You could design fabric for curtains or upholstery, tablecloths, etc. Whether you decide to have your designs printed is, of course, up to you.

We’ll also be covering clothing design. This includes some history of design and designers, how to make a design work for you, how to copy a design, how to start from scratch, etc. The goal is to have everyone able to make a successful clothing pattern – and be able to sew it in your own original fabric. (Come on – how fun is that?!)

8. Is there any equipment needed in order to take this class?

The bare minimum is obviously a computer with internet access. You don’t need a webcam or special software. As far as what you need on the design end, that’s honestly pretty fluid. You can do fabric designs by hand and scan them in to your computer without any fancy design software. Or you could use Photoshop and Illustrator and do your design work all on the computer. If you have those programs already, great. If not, I wouldn’t worry about it. I would just do it by hand to start and you can work up to getting those programs if you feel like you need them for the designs you want to do. On the sewing end – I would recommend that you have access to a sewing machine, but again – no one is grading your work. If you just want to watch, that’s fine too. In order to get the most out of the class, I would recommend that you do a lot of sewing as we go along, but you can do as much or as little as  you want. A serger is nice of course, but totally not necessary.

9. Why are you qualified to teach this anyway?

I didn’t go to design school. Let’s get that straight at the front end! I have done a fair bit of designing, but it was very much a case of teaching myself to do things the hard way. This class is really geared for people like me. People who love to sew, love to design, want to get better at something they enjoy . . . but who aren’t planning to go through art school, move to Manhattan, and work their way up through the hideously corrupt fashion world. People who want to create, want to make beautiful things, and want to glorify God in the place God has planted them.

In terms of my actual qualifications, I’ve created several girls’ clothing lines, done all the design work, overseen the pattern-making, grading, sourcing, and manufacturing process, learning a stupid lot as I went along. I’ve also created several fabric lines for a New York fabric company, and there again I learned tons! My goal is to take all the things that I learned along the way and make them accessible to people who are interested in getting better at design but who aren’t necessarily planning on launching a clothing line in order to teach themselves!

Both my clothing lines and my fabric lines have been featured in a number of magazines, both here and in Europe – which just goes to show you that you don’t always have to go to design school and jump through all the accepted hoops in order to create something that works.

10. What ever happened to Amoretti?

(For those of you just joining us, Amoretti is the name of my design business.) Here’s what happened. I sold out. That’s a good problem – but I pulled the website down since everything is gone. Why haven’t I done more? Well . . . I’ll tell you. My kids got bigger. They have sports. And homework. And lives with issues which need to be talked about. And they need to have a mom who’s not glued to her computer upstairs, panicking about deadlines and telling the kids to save it for later. My kids need me in a different way now than they did back when I first launched my first collection while we were living in England and they were little tikes, some of whom still took naps. I also started teaching British Lit and Classical Lit at Logos School where all five of my kids are every day. I love it – because I see my kids in the halls, I work alongside their teachers, I know their friends, and I have a feel for what’s going on in their school lives. All of that together doesn’t leave much time for also being a one-woman clothing label. I figure that designing something or other will always be an option for me – there will still be fabric lines in the world. But my kids won’t always be this age – they won’t always need me like this. I’d hate to miss my kids’ childhood because I was too busy designing a clothing line for them. But even though I don’t have time to launch a complete new manufacturing run with all the attendant hoopla of financing and pattern-making and shipping and photography and website work, I can’t help but design things. In fact, not doing all that extra stuff has freed me up a bit to do more on the funky project end of things. My latest projects have been painting a design on my guest room floor, designing tiles for my mother-in-law’s bathroom, and designing fabric which I’m going to use to upholster an awesome antique couch which I  found for free on the side of the road. All the stuff which we’re going to be covering in the seminar will be just as applicable to that kind of thing as it is to people who want to actually go into the world of design.

11. When should we sign up?

Now. Do it now. Deadline is August 15 – which is next Thursday.

Death By Living Released Today!

 

Our big news today is that Nate’s  Death By Living, his first non-fiction book since Notes From The Tilt-A-Whirl, was released today! This book makes me laugh out loud on one page and wipe my eyes on the next. It’s glorious and inspiring and makes me want to live harder. Where can you get a copy? From Canon Press of course!

 

July 19: Leaning In

Psalm 66:10-12

For you, O God, have tested us;

you have tried us as silver is tried.

You brought us into the net;

you laid a crushing burden on our backs;

you let men ride over our heads;

we went through fire and through water;

yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

 

I imagine that we all know what it is like to go through a season where things are especially hard. You may feel like that has been the last 15 years of your life. As it wears on and you still miss your mom, or the rain just keeps coming, or the heat continues to be awful, or your baby continues to be teething, or you continue to not go into labor, or your house continues to not be remodeled, or you continue to struggle with patience, or your old friends continue to avoid you, or your health continues to be a problem.  Sometimes the problem is the weight of blessings – the fact that having a bunch of little children is simply not easy, although you once thought it would be.

One of our temptations in times like this is to start leaning away from the hardship. We want to not think about it, not look at it, not talk about it – just hold our breath and hope that the wave of tired will roll over us eventually and then we will breathe again. We want to start praying things like, “Lord make this day easy. Let the baby be more mellow today. Make my friends like me again. Take this away.” While there is certainly nothing wrong with asking God to remove trials from your life, something occurred to me the other day about this, and I realized that I needed to look at it differently.

If you went to a personal trainer and asked them to get you into the best shape of your life, you would expect that there would be some pain. But if you are really serious about it and committed to the result, you lean into that pain. You do not show up on day two saying, “I’m thinking today we should just eat quiche instead. This was all a very bad idea!”

So this is what struck me the other day. I do not want to be praying that God would make everything easy. I want to be praying that God will make me strong. I know that He has a plan. I know that He has the grace we need to finish the hard things in a way that honors Him. The problem is that often we are comfortable in our spiritually soft bodies. We would like to sit around in our bad attitude sweatpants eating the Cheetos of selfishness. But God is calling us to more, and sometimes that call brings us to our knees to ask Him to be quiet.

So here is the challenge – let’s pray that God would pour out His grace and energy on us, that He would equip us for the day that will be hard. That He will continue to push us and that we will continue to come to Him, not asking Him to stop, but asking Him for the grace to finish. We want to lean into the refining fire – because we want for all the dross to be burned out. Lean into the fire of God. Trust His purpose for you.

We want to be bought into the vision that God has for us. We want to look at our teething babies and our disobedient toddlers and our messy house and say, “Thank you God – I feel it burning, I know it is working. “

July 17: Obtaining Mercy

Proverbs 16:6: “By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the Lord men depart from evil.”

In order to really deal with sin, we need both mercy and truth. The mercy is a disposition inclined to forgive; the truth means that we are naming the sin and calling it what God calls it. That means we call it adultery, not “an inappropriate relationship.” Or we call it gossip, not over-sharing at the prayer meeting.

But what do we do when there is absolutely no acknowledgement of sin on the side of the offender? How do we forgive when we are never asked to forgive? First I want to point out that Jesus prayed that God would forgive those who crucified Him. They certainly weren’t asking for His forgiveness, but He was disposed to forgive even at that moment. We follow His example in asking God to forgive the people who have wronged us. If you can’t do this, then you are probably in the grip of bitterness.

Second, when people wrong you and then act like nothing happened, you need to ask God for love to cover it. “Love covers a multitude of sins.” But sometimes it is clear that there’s no way love is going to cover this one. In that case, it is important to go to the one who did the wrong. But the problem is this: we don’t know our own hearts. Sometimes we don’t want love to cover it because we want to get even. So we have to get our hearts into a frame of forgiveness before we go to confront. Then, and only then, are we confronting for the sake of the other person, and not for ourselves (Gal. 6:1).

Let’s assume that the sin has been confronted in a godly manner, and let’s further assume that forgiveness is sought and extended. That is wonderful. But that does not erase all the consequences of the sin. For example, if you stole money from your boss, you were confronted and then repented, you are still going to be fired, and you should be. You are forgiven, the fellowship is restored, but you have lost your job. Repentance and forgiveness does not erase the consequences of sin.

Sometimes the consequences are far greater than the sin. If a teenager gets drunk, that is a terrible sin. But if he gets behind the wheel and crashes into another car,  killing a whole family, that is a consequence far greater than the actual sin. Stupid, sinful behavior can lead to terrible consequences. When we run from God and destroy our lives, and then turn to God in faith for forgiveness, He forgives us completely — but our lives may still be a wreck. We may still be in jail. The baby we aborted is still dead. The lie we told still broke up the friendship.

Women in particular are vulnerable when it comes to extending mercy and forgiveness for a particular type of sin. When we have been wronged emotionally or physically by men, our natural instinct is to get our guard up to protect ourselves so it doesn’t happen again. If Dad did not protect us like we needed, then we are left to protect ourselves. One of the ways we naturally do this is by becoming defensive, hardened, and even bitter. Sometimes we go on the offensive and attack. We carry the wrong done to us around as a shield to keep us from being wronged again. I totally understand this. But, nevertheless, it is the fleshly response; it is not the response of faith. Faith is a far better shield, and far less brittle (Eph. 6:16).

Only God understands the nature of forgiveness and mercy, and we are called to imitate Him and follow Him in this. Heb. 8:12, “For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.” God is merciful to us. When He says that He doesn’t remember our sins any more, that does not mean that He has a poor memory. It means that He is not going to haul them out and remind us of them again and again. That is what the accuser does. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter, not the accuser. So when we extend forgiveness, we don’t automatically forget what happened. But we don’t hold it against them anymore. We don’t bring it up to ourselves night and day (like the accuser) or rehash it all again so that we have to start all over and confess bitterness one more time. We set our minds elsewhere. We move on. And even if we are still in the midst of hard consequences of the sin, we press on by faith in Christ.

Hebrews 4:16, ” Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”

 

July 16: Mercy and Truth

Proverbs 3:3-4 says, “Let not mercy and truth forsake you; Bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart, and so find favor and high esteem in the sight of God and man.”

It’s pretty clear that mercy is a virtue that we have to hang on to and practice constantly.  In fact, we need to wear reminders on a necklace, commit to memory what God says about it, and recite it often so we don’t forget. Otherwise, mercy can run away from us, taking truth with it, and leave us among some very hard companions.

Romans 1:28-31 lists some of the hard companions as those with a “debased mind.”  Very ugly stuff. Look at the company that the unmerciful keep: wickedness, maliciousness, and murder to name a few. And wrapping us the list of nasties are “unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful.”

Jesus said, “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy” (Matthew 5:7). When we show mercy to one another, we find mercy from God: “favor and high esteem in the sight of God and man.” Who wouldn’t want to find favor from God and men?

But bitterness tells us lies. We somehow think that we are punishing the one who wronged us, when we are actually destroying ourselves. Bitterness is unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful. I know people who have let bitterness destroy them, and I’m sure you know a few too. It is (sadly) not that uncommon. Bitterness is never satisfied. Even if the offender has been punished, it is never enough. Even if they went to jail, the bitter person wants more. Even if years go by, bitterness does not forget. It reviews, reviews, reviews. And bitterness embellishes the story, painting itself always in the good light (I am justified in feeling this way) and the offender in a worse and worse light, attributing motives, adding details.

Think about this: the bitter person gives the offender and the offense complete authority and power over his or her entire life. This allows the offense/offender to put its foot on your neck and hold you down, maybe for the rest of your life.

I’ve known people who were wronged and allowed the wrong to define their life and their history. That became their identity. They refuse to let it go. And this is what turns them into trolls. They let the old offense become shackles around their ankles. It becomes their whole story. They tell their story over and over again to anyone who will listen, but it never brings the healing or peace they so desperately want.

Bitterness wants vengeance. But God has declared that vengeance is His territory, not ours (Romans 12:19). Our duty is to forgive; God will take vengeance for us, but only if we have given Him room to do it. When we try to avenge, we are disobeying God and He will judge us for it.

Everyone in the world has been wronged by someone, sometimes terribly. But no one has been wronged like Jesus. He is willing to take all your bitterness, all your unmerciful, unforgiving, and vengeful thoughts to the Cross where He will put them to death and free you. Don’t let bitterness define you. Accept His offer of forgiveness and He will give you the means to extend it to others.

 

July 15: Mercy

Proverbs 11:17 says, “The merciful man does good for his own soul, but he who is cruel troubles his own flesh.”

Like so many biblical principles, the more we obey, the more blessed we become. It turns out that it really is more blessed to give than to receive. (And we all know how lovely it is to receive.) When we extend ourselves to others, whether it is to our own little people or to the stranger or to our neighbor, our own souls prosper. This means that we are the beneficiaries of our own mercy. Give a helping hand, and we are helped. Forgive a debt, and our hearts are enlarged, able to forgive more.  So we might be tempted to start showing mercy just so we will ourselves be blessed! But I think that’s the whole idea. Want to do good to your own soul? Show some mercy.

Now mercy is usually tied to acts of forgiveness. Someone wronged you. By extending forgiveness, you are showing mercy. This is not something necessarily easy. We don’t go along la-la-la-la-la bestowing forgiveness as though we were sprinkling pixie dust. Forgiveness is acknowledging that the person did indeed wrong you, and it is promising that you will forget all about it. You will act as though it never happened. You will never bring it up again to anyone. That is showing mercy, and it has a healing effect on both parties involved.

On the flip side, when we are hard-hearted, cruel, unforgiving, and unmerciful toward others, we receive more trouble in ourselves. Our hearts get harder, our “flesh” is troubled. Life gets more complicated. Bitterness festers and grows. We turn into trolls.

Mercy may be hard to show. It may require great amounts of prayer and grace. But it brings life and peace and a tender heart. It is a great good in itself, and it brings great good to our own souls. Let’s get more of it and spread it around. Be merciful. Forgive. And receive God’s blessing.

On Being a Guest

This is a summary of a little talk I have given a few times here and there, most often to high-school students in preparation for the Protocol event at Logos School, or to college students at New St. Andrews College where the students are frequent guests in the homes of their instructors or families in the church community.

What is a guest? Simply put, it is someone who is on the receiving end of hospitality. Everyone wants to be a guest; we want to be included, not left out. The Puritan preacher Matthew Henry said, “Man was intended to be a sociable creature, and a Christian, much more so.” God created us to live in community, so we will have many opportunities to be guests as well as hosts. Each role has its duties and responsibilities, but right now we’re going to discuss the duties of the guest.

We might not realize how often we really are guests. We are a guest (in a sense) when we are in any place where someone else has prepared for us. We are a guest in a museum, a hotel, a restaurant, a store, in the classroom, at church, and even when we are riding in someone’s car. In all these settings we should have a common demeanor of humility and appreciation, making our hosts’ jobs more pleasant. All these duties have one thing in common: the guest is being considerate of the host. It’s a way of loving our neighbor.

For example, in a store we don’t leave a mess behind. If we knock a sweater off the rack, we pick it up. We don’t leave our empty Starbucks cup on the shelf next to the canned beans. At school we give the instructor our full attention, and we don’t leave trash under our desk for someone else to deal with. At a hospital, we keep our visit short (unless it is a relative we are visiting), and we speak quietly. We don’t ask personal questions or tell gruesome stories. But these are not the primary settings I want us to consider today, but rather how we are to be guests at other people’s homes, whether at parties, potlucks, dinners, receptions, or even weddings. So here’s a list of common do’s and don’t's.

1. RSVP as soon as you can. Don’t leave the host wondering. And always save the invitation in a safe place. I don’t think the refrigerator door is a safe place! I actually have a file where I keep wedding invitations….so I have no excuse if I can’t remember what time the wedding is or where it is or whose name is on the invitation.

2. If you didn’t RSVP, you just can’t show up anyway. If you did RSVP, but you forgot you were going to be out of town that day, of course contact the hostess and let her know you must send regrets. Never bring uninvited guests along and never ask if you can bring uninvited guests along.

3. Arrive on time. For a wedding, that means 15-20 minutes before the event is scheduled to begin. For dinner, five minutes before or after the scheduled time is acceptable. If you are suddenly taken sick or otherwise held up (hopefully not at gunpoint), contact the hostess.

4. Dress appropriately! Better a little over dressed than to be too casual. When in doubt, ask the hostess in advance.

5. Greet the host and hostess! Don’t just head for the refreshments. Wait to be invited to fill your plate at the buffet table.

6. Don’t show up starving. It’s better to take the edge off by having a small snack beforehand. And don’t load up your plate so it looks like Mt. Vesuvius ready to erupt. For appetizers, take 3 or 4.

7. At a buffet, don’t stall out the line by chatting with your neighbor. Remember that the good stuff is usually at the end of the line, so go easy on the bread and salad or you’ll have no room for the main dish. And of course, don’t eat as you go through the line.

8. Watch where you set your glass….don’t leave a glass in a weird place for your hostess to find a week later. If you set it down, use the napkin or coaster provided. Remember where you leave it, so you don’t have to keep getting a fresh glass.

9. If you need to do a quick wash-up before dinner, never, I repeat, never go into the kitchen and wash your hands in the kitchen sink. Find a washroom.

10. If you spill something, let the hostess know.

11. Take an appropriate seat. Don’t sprawl. Ladies, keep your feet on the floor, not tucked up under you. Men, don’t tip in your chairs. Men, stand and help seat the ladies.

12. Leave the gum at home. After having guests,  I’ve found chewed gum in my kitchen sink, on my front sidewalk, and stuck on the back of a leather couch.

13. Be chatty. Be a participant, not a spectator. Don’t be a dud. Ask questions and be a contributor. That’s much more fun for everyone.

14. Don’t wander around the house looking at stuff, opening cupboards, or going into rooms you were not specifically invited into.

15. If your hosts have little kids, be friendly but don’t overdo it by instigating hide-and-seek unless you have checked with your hosts.

16. Please don’t blow your nose on your napkin or lick your knife.

17. If you’re seated around a table, just ask and the dish can be passed. Don’t reach across someone to get more potatoes, even if that’s okay at home.

18. Avoid staring, scratching, burping, picking, cracking your knuckles, or bouncing. And try to keep your hair out of your plate. Don’t tell unappetizing stories.

19. If you are tired, go home. Don’t fall asleep in the recliner.

20. Don’t over stay! My dad always said, “It’s better to leave while you’re still having fun.” I would add, “While your hosts are still having fun.” Don’t make them ask you to go. College students will stay until the wee hours if you let them, so make sure they know in advance when the party’s over.

21. Thank your host and gather up all your stuff.

22. Write a thank-you email or a real note on real paper. Keep it simple.