Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 84
October 3, 2011
The Best Levitation Belt
This levitation belt earned The Best rating from the Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven Institute because it was the easiest to put on and operate while falling from a building.
48 out of 49 of our tests were successful, and only one of our Testing Drones was killed during the extensive investigation into this levitation belt. A levitation belt industry expert described The Bests model's inertial dampening as "great and most dampening by far" because it was able to dampen terminal velocity to gravely injuring velocity with enough alacrity to save 48 Testing Drones from "street pizzafication".
The Best Levitation Belt is also capable of actual levitation, if the inertial dampening dial is turned to "full" and the wearer jumps up in the air. The Best model can allow wearers to levitate for several minutes, or prevent certain death from a single fall from up to a 20-story building. It is highly recommended that the batteries are recharged after such use. Sizes: XS-XL. (Not recommended for larger sizes.)
You will float with laughter if you sign up for The MonkeySphere, a monthly rising of absurd humor. When it reaches 500 subscribers, I'm giving away a Kindle. ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.
Alltop is terrified of street pizzafication.
September 30, 2011
Insecurities Worksheet
Insecurities Worksheet, a photo by lunchbreath on Flickr.
Offered here on The Skwib, not as an admission of any of these anxieties, but as a public service. If you put #58 on everything, then seek immediate psychiatric help.
Alltop is already calling its therapist aggregator.
September 29, 2011
Every little thing gonna be all right
Welcome To Earth II, a photo by sartiax on Flickr.
Instructions:
Click play on the YouTube video to hear the song.
Scroll back up and stare intently at the egg.
Don't worry!
Alltop is really freaked out. (Not doing it right.)
September 28, 2011
Too damn hot!
Unknown Photographer, 1940s, a photo by kraftgenie on Flickr.
AFter their shift cleaning out the blast furnaces, Edna and Eustace would head down to the the Pantages Theatre, still wearing their protective gear.
They took the oxygen with them, and then stole it from their audience.
They had a burlesque show that everyone in town (shamefully) admitted was "too damn hot" for Gary, Indiana.
Alltop believes it's not the heat, it's the humidity that gets you.
September 27, 2011
A writer writes
april 26 grading blues, a photo by dewberry1964 on Flickr.
Ignatius was working. That was the first rule for writers. It wasn't about the tools, his teachers had said, way back in school. It was about discipline. Work.
A writer must write, even if, as Thomas Mann said: "A writer is someone for whom writing is harder than for other people."
Of course, he might find a pen somewhat less of a challenge than the over-sized novelty pencil. And he'd heard great things about something called a word processor.
No! he thought. It wasn't about the tools.
Another sheet of paper ripped apart, unable to withstand Ignatius's impatience and the giant pencil. He sighed, and started his to do list again.
Alltop does not know this "pencil" Ingatius speaks of.
September 26, 2011
The wonderful thing about tautologies
damned freaks in the alley…, a photo by IntangibleArts on Flickr.
After a certain point, the previous night was all a blur.
He'd started the usual way: he burst through the door, landing on the nearest (and fattest) person, introduced himself, and then sang the song. (He'd paid the Sherman Brothers a fortune for it, so he sang it at every opportunity. And he enjoyed the frenetic dancing and bouncing too.)
The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber;
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one!
"That's a tautology!" the enormous biker he'd landed on said. He weighed about 300 pounds and had the most impressive mullet that Tigger had ever seen. It was magnificent!
"Thank you!" he'd said.
"It wasn't a compliment. You can't say you're wonderful, and then prove that by saying you're wonderful. It's a self-reinforcing statement that can't be disproved because you're assuming you're correct."
The other bikers in the bar agreed, nodding their heads.
"If you'd said, Tiggers are wonderful because we're bouncy, that would have been fine," the guy behind the bar said. He was wearing a leather vest and had nearly as much hair on him as Tigger, though it wasn't a wonderful orange color.
"But I AM wonderful!" Tigger said, confused. "The Sherman Brothers wouldn't lie about it."
"I don't know who the Sherman Brothers are, but they have very poor logic skills," said the giant biker Tigger was sitting on.
"And I don't want to be one of those guys," said the bartender, "but their rhymes are kind of pedestrian and that bridge does not scan well at all."
He reached under the bar and produced a baseball bat.
Alltop is great, because it's just so fabulous!
September 25, 2011
Hidden quirky smile
Hidden quirky smile, a photo by marchasselbalch on Flickr.
Two notes:
An excellent week of stuff upcoming on The Skwib this week.
Dear NASA: For future reference, if you drop your crap in my backyard, I'm not telling you. Especially if it sets anything on fire. Finders keepers.
The Kindle Giveaway continues. Join my mailing list, The MonkeySphere for more free, absurd and humorous fiction, plus a chance to win a Kindle. ($139 Amazon gift card.)
I'm aware that was three things.
Also aware that was four, and now there is a horrible feedback loop that will take all my willpower to –
Alltop is funny feedback loop!
September 23, 2011
The perils of evolution
Cradle of Humankind – Flora, a photo by Martin_Heigan on Flickr.
One day you wake up and watch the sun rise, ripe and scarlet over the savanna, and you know it can never hold you back.
The next, you're unable to hold a conversation with other humans in the flesh, and you have the attention span of an unhinged hummingbird. Inside your head there are noises that would have terrified you before, on the plains, but now they are the background radiation of your mind. You're surrounded by voices. Within this clamour there is only the silent pulse of a thought that never comes, an impulse suffocated by plenty, a drive misdirected by old mythology.
You long for the reality of stone, the scrape of grass on your bare legs, and the silence of nature, tooth and claw. You wonder if you should Tweet this yearning, but — hey, new Facebook interface!
Alltop used to hunt Facebook in the old days.
September 22, 2011
Socially Dysfunctional
socially dysfunctional, a photo by lunchbreath on Flickr.
Love this infotoon, and is a useful addition to the came: "crazy person or bluetooth user?"
Alltop is the homeless lunatic of humor aggregators.
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