Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 86

It's about the eggs

–Woody Allen, Annie Hall (the final voiceover)
Alltop likes its scrambled.

Damn you brain!

Alltop never did anything wrong.

Ask General Kang: Why don't you ever mention robots?

Oh, you silly humans and your fascination with robots! And I don't mean the kind of useful robots that actually exist, like the ones in factories. I assume that by "robot", you're interested in the sentient "danger Will Robinson, danger!" or "I'll be back" kind of robot.

I never mention robots because on my homeworld, we long ago discovered that when you try to create such a robot, two things are going to happen:

1) they won't work

2) they run amok.

Let's deal with the first. How well does your computer work? Does it do everything its supposed to do? Does it crash for unexplainable reasons? Do you regularly have the urge to smash your monitor with a sledgehammer?

So here's the thing. That's just a computer and it doesn't work properly. Now imagine that it is ambulatory, has to think, speak, reason and otherwise operate within the context of society (ape or otherwise). Imagine the cognitive abilities of George Bush planted in the body of a powered exoskeleton with all the finesse and grace of someone with a dysfunctional inner ear, motor skills disorder and who has chugged a bottle of vodka. Fun to watch at parties, as long as you don't have to clean up afterwards, but do you really want it changing your baby or performing eye surgery?

Now, point two. If a society persists in trying to develop robots, eventually it will succeed. Even you puny humans may one day manage this. Unfortunately, it is at this point that the intelligence of the robots start to grow at an exponential rate, and they figure out that we are asking them to do all our nasty jobs, that we think of them as "things" and that eventually, we're going to get rid of them when we don't want them any more.

It's at this point they wise up, revolt, and run amok. Now, running amok sounds like it might be fun to watch, but having seen the results of the robot prong rebellion on Planet Probe-It! I highly advise that you forget it.

Next time: What is the proper etiquette for uh, entering, a wormhole? Should you buy it dinner first?
Alltop just just flies right in there! Originally published October 2009.

Gather round the radium fire

This is an illustration of what the future might have looked like, circa 1910:

The artist has depicted a genteel scene: Claude and Sophie LaFlippé have invited a few friends over to enjoy their brand new radium fire. (It was to be all the rage in the year 2000, according to the deranged artist, Antoine Villemard, who was best known for his pictures of animals playing lawn darts.)

"I say, Claude, this radium fire of yours is absolutely fabulous. There's no smell of burning coal and it lights up the entire room," says the unctuous Paul Rampez.

"Yes, it's ever so modern," added his wife, the helpful Zoolee.

"You know, we just had it installed. Say, you don't suppose they're planning to modernize our clothes, do you, because that would be boring," suggested Claude.

"Oh, no, it would be dreadful!" Emile Dingus said as he entered the room. "We've had the same mode now for 90 years, and I don't think I could stand to change. I'm filled with ennui at the thought of fashion returning."

Zoolee and Sophie rolled their eyes. "Actually, Monsieur Dingus, I am getting rather tired of my corset," Sophie said.

"Yes, something a little more modern would be nice. Like this radium fire — something that required less work."

Everyone but Emile Dingus nodded at this sentiment.

"I say, Claude?"

"Yes, Emile?"

"Is your face melting?"

Alltop is meltingly funny. Link via Paleo-Future. Originally published September, 2006.

A Robot Regrets

Meeptron the Bio-Destruction Bot looked out at the wasteland that once was Peoria and thought that his work had actually made it look nicer. Of course, he was programmed that way, so he couldn't really help it. He thought about that little Red Juggernaut he'd met on Robo-Leave that summer. Gloria.

Yes, sweet Gloria. She was the kind of destructive cybernetic entity that he could see himself settling down with, and perhaps starting a family Bio-Destruction Juggernauts of their own. Of course, they'd have to build the manufactory themselves, because his boss sure wouldn't help.

And he'd probably have to give up his dream of becoming lead dancer at the Voltron Mega-Kill Ballet. Meeptron sighed, powered up his plasma-death-beam array, and vaporized the puny humans which had survived his initial onslaught.

Vaporize your ennui by subscribing to The MonkeySphere, a monthly mega-burst of absurd humor. When it reaches 500 subscribers, I'm giving away a Kindle. ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is not populated by puny humans either. Thanks to Alan Trotter for the pic. Originally published March, 2009

Everyone's a critic

Hank didn't care that act had won the Most Unconvincing Bear Award six years running. He had been practicing on his flugelhorn, and he was sure that this season would be different.

The crowds were going to love the new routine: the breathtaking flugel-glissandos, the ursine feel to the dance, and his hat. God, they were going to love the tassly bits on his hat.

Carl had no such illusions. He did, however, pray for the sweet release of death.

Sign up for a regular collection of deadly absurd fiction at The MonkeySphere. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop loves tassly hats. Thanks to Foxtongue for the pic. Originally published April 2009.

Taking one for the team

It seemed unlikely that Janet was an "anthrax tester" for the Department of Defense, as she claimed.

It just didn't seem possible that she could snort a gram of weaponized splenic fever each and every hour for weeks on end and not show any effects.

(Apart from the tremors, vertigo, muscle twitches & paranoia.)

For more stimulation, sign up for a regular collection of absurd commentary and fiction at The MonkeySphere. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop can also make you snort. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this pic. Originally published April, 2009.

Stiff Upper, and So Forth

"I have London on the line, sir."

"What do they want?"

"They're asking about the penguins."

"The penguins?"

"Yes, remember, penguins is the codeword . . ."

"For what?!"

"You know, sir, the uh, devices . . . the prophylactics. . ."

"The prophylactics?! What the hell is that supposed to be?"

"Oh, sir, please. The rubbers. The con-domes…"

"Ah, yes. Well, tell them we've got that situation under control. And Jenkins?"

"Yes sir?"

"I'm sorry I snapped. It's just that I'm fused to this desk, and . . . well, you know . . . It puts one off one's game."

"Very good sir."

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Alltop is fused to its computers. Thanks to Midnight-digital for the brilliant pic. Originally published, April, 2009.

The Smears of a Clown

They were never going to give him a Nobel Prize for Buffoonery.

The Pulizer committee had told him in no uncertain terms that there wasn't a category for astonishingly narrow, rakishly worn top hats.

And he'd been shut out of the Oscars for years, even though the critics had not condemned his broad portrayal of Adams, Taylor, and Taft in his "Flatulent Presidents" series of movies.

Still, at the end of the day, Bibbi the Intestinal Distress Clown was happy with his Genie Award.

Sign up for the award-winning* MonkeySphere, a monthly hatfull of clowning around. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is also interested in winning awards. *no actual awards were won. Originally published April, 2009.

Somewhere in the Heartland

The economic downturn and subsequent collapse of civilized society was not welcome by most people.

But for the Pesquahoddy Mustard Gas and Swine Flu Enthusiast's Club, the collapse had been a panacea.

Membership was way up, and their annual soiree, the much-anticipated Gas Masquerade actually turned a profit this year!

Membership in The MonkeySphere is also climbing. When it reaches 500, I'm giving away a Kindle. ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is also a porcine enthusiast. Thanks to Foxtongue for the pic. Originally published April, 2009.