Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 87

Belgium, circa 1906

Doctor Hans Christian "Liver-and-Favva-Beans" Malifico standing next to the prototype of his first business mechanical, the famous Red Juggernaut, Mark I (with claw and hook attachment).

Though it would be several years before he founded Juggernaut Business Mechanicals (JBM), and at least another decade before the technology was available for his "chainsaw and boom stick attachments", Dr. Malifico had already changed the world. The Mark I was perfectly capable of terrorizing the two dozen cheese-making Flems at the Annual Limburg Stench-Fest, thus giving the hated French — his client — the chance to win the Palm de Pong with their inferior, though admittedly eye-watering Roquefort.

In the 1960s, the Red Juggernaut (Mark XX) became JBM's best-selling business mechanical. Though primarily used to terrorize non-compliant nation-states, evil overlords have found many other uses for the Red Juggernaut.

Modern business collections agencies have found it especially effective, and it is a standard piece of equipment in hostile takeover bids.

Sign up for a regular collection of absurd commentary and fiction at The MonkeySphere. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop also has world-takeover plans. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this Belgariffic photo. Originally posted March 2009.

Performance art gone horribly right

All of the critics agreed. Hans Feckenbruke's performance piece, "Transcending Irony: post-post-modern capitalism in the Western World, from the top of the Chrysler Building, as seen from the perspective of consumers on the ground," was a spectacular — if messy — achievement.

"I've never seen an artist commit so completely to his work before. He didn't even flinch as he approached the pavement," Filmore Snoot told this photographer.

"It's a shame he wore those tennis shoes, though. It undercut the whole commentary."

Sign up for absurd commentary and fiction at The MonkeySphere. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is always undercutting their commentary. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this pic. Originally published March, 2009.

The Evils of Commerce

In Sohunglo, Chugoku Prefecture, (just down the road from Hiroshima) the geisha house of Okiya Yumyum made the best of a bad situation by introducing the art of contortion to their young shikomi trainees. No longer would wealthy men have to wait while their geisha tiptoed their way to the gig in their ridiculously restrictive clothing. Now they could be carried.

In time, the art of the geisha was corrupted, and many of the women no longer performed the traditional role of geisha — a cultured presence to smooth out the rough edge of scotch-swilling businessmen with classical music and dance — and instead became prostitutes.

It was about this time the Mama Tao Consortium took over the Okiya Yumyum house, and introduced The Portable Geisha Delivery Service — when it absolutely, positively has to "be" there overnight.

Sign up for The MonkeySphere, which delivers up a monthly mailing of absurdist humor. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is always "there" overnight. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this disturbing and sad photo. Originally published March 2009.

The Tradition Continues

Karl Wangsness had decided to honor his Norwegian heritage by having his own version of a Viking Funeral.

The car was an admirable substitution for a longship, and he was able to fit enough food in there to see him through the journey to Valhalla. He'd also managed to procure a canister of Bovril and a large can of mead, so he was covered for drinks.

Naturally, he wanted to take his wife with him, but she refused to be buried alive.

That made the two gallons of lubricant kind of superfluous, so he just left it on the sidewalk.

Sign up for The MonkeySphere for a monthly does of superfluous absurdism. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is a form of social web lubricant. Originally published February, 2009.

[From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Necrobiblia collection.]

Austria, 1912

Though they outsold the proto-fascist jazz stylings of The Pillage People four-to-one, the Über-Musik Boys never quite managed to make the big time. Even though they started the whole Lederhosen Thrash scene, most of them had to take on menial jobs milking goats and persecuting small animals to make ends meet.

Young Adolf, in particular, was embittered.

Thrash your funny bone with a monthly dose of absurd prose when you sign up for The MonkeySphere. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Some members of Alltop are also bitter. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this pic. Originally published, February 2009.

[From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Necrobiblia collection.]

Beach Babes of Vision

Misunderstood Genius

Greta "The Fallopian" Webcastico was ahead of her time. Not only was she the finest beach accordionist in the tri-state area, Greta was the first composer to create music designed to be played in counterpoint to the dulcet tones of molting seagulls eager to eat your French Fries.

The truth was, Greta was the ONLY beach accordionist in the tri-state area. That said, Arnold Schoenberg was intrigued by her ideas and incorporated them into his 12-tone masterpiece, "Variations on the Key of Bleeding Ears."

Time her of ahead

Jenny Buxom was also a forward-thinking beach babe. Nobody was sure if her claims that she had been to the Land of the Future was eccentric whimsy, or if her radioactive bikini (which she'd picked up for a song at the Atoll-must-go sale) was causing a her synapses to misfire.

Whimsy or not, she was serious about any prospective beaux putting on "the suit" before hanky-panky.

She called it safe sex.

Dieter called it delectable. Particularly when she stood on his air hose.

Get a regular hosing of absurd and humorous prose when you sign up for The MonkeySphere. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is also ahead of their time. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding these pics. Originally published in February, 2009.

[From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Necrobiblia collection]

Lucinda at the Laundrette of Shattered Hope

Lucinda was a dreamer. Someday, she knew that her Mom would return with the waffle iron and say she was sorry; perhaps even share her delicious recipe for Translucent Liquid Essence of Bran.

She watched as Betsy came back to the Launderette of Shattered Hope, carrying a sack full of soiled turnips that she liked to cook in the dryer next to Lucinda's (on fluff for about an hour, and then ten minutes on high heat).

Some of the other inhabitants of launderette didn't like the sound the turnips made as they bashed around inside the genuine Tagmay industrial-strength dryer (and cappuccino maker), but it made Lucinda think of tumbling bags of cats, and furnishings, and a time when she wasn't sitting in a pool of her own sweat.

Oddly, it made her yearn for the days when her Mom would make potato-flavoured expectorant. That Betsy!

Get a regular dose of absurd-flavored expectorant prose when you sign up for The MonkeySphere. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop enjoys properly dried turnip. Originally published October 2006.

E-nnui

Toto the Bio-Sphere Demolition-Bot wondered what it was all about. Did life really mean anything? There had to be more to existence then the senseless destruction of countless inhabited worlds at the bidding of his master, Dorothy Bunny Slippers and her noxious cohort of flying syphilitic space monkeys.

Maybe it was time for Toto to settle down. Find a nice Species Eradication-Borg and construct a family of Cybertronic Death-Bots equipped with plasma field generators.

Or maybe he should write a novel.

Get a regular dose of radioactive prose when you sign up for The MonkeySphere. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is also feeling a little blue. Originally published December, 2008.

The love that dare not speak its name

"Oh Sergei, do you think we'll ever escape this festering plain, this landscape of ennui and emptiness, so that we can share our love as it was meant to be shared?"

"Mmphmh…mghmm…"

"What Sergei? I can't hear you through my containment suit?"

"Mgnnnnn! Mgnnnn!"

"Oh, I love you too Sergei. Fishheads. We'll have fishheads! And bathe our radiation sores together!"

"Gnnn!!! Gnnnn!"

Get a regular dose of radioactive prose when you sign up for The MonkeySphere. You'll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

More awkward embraces at alltop. And for all of you who've already seen this, and a few of the other posts of the last few days, my apologies — I'm consumed by this novel editing thing. Originally posted November, 2009.

Catholic school

Jeremy went to a Catholic school.

There, Sister Mary Trenchbroom taught Civics and Personal Hygiene.

It's fair to say she scarred him for life.

Join the MonkeySphere if you would like to be scarred once a month, or, if you would like a chance to win a Kindle. Extra chances to win if you purchase Marvellous Hairy or The Amadeus Net. Full contest rules here.

Alltop has also destroyed many lives. Originally published November, 2008.