Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 88

Toulouse Le Grandfig: Catholic school

Jeremy went to a Catholic school, where Sister Mary Trenchbroom taught Civics and Personal Hygiene.

It's fair to say it scarred him for life.

Alltop has also destroyed many lives. Originally published November, 2008.

The Chair That Sat Back

Mephistopheles relaxed after a good (evil) day's work. He'd chalked up three witches, a magus, a handful of brick-makers who'd had too much to drink, and Michael Bay. (Boob, explosions and flash-cuts could only get you so far.)

The day's coup had to be snagging the eternal mojo of an untalented, passive-aggressive tenured professor of Comparative Literature. Few outside the world of academia were willing to sell their souls, period, but usually they required at least world-wide fame, or in the case of the brick layers, as much beer as they could drink. That dude really wanted to be Chair of the Department.

Alltop does a lot of hellish sitting to produce funny links. Originally published on , July 2009. Evil chair photo by E. Monk via Flickr.

We have technology backwards

I'm not sure HOW we got this totally backwards, but we have. Technology should serve humanity, not the other way around.

Alltop is an aggregator we all like to work for. Another great one by XKCD.

Reassuring Fictions

In times like these, you may believe that all is well. You may enjoy watching the Olympics, eating spam, or perhaps you have many Norwegian friends.

You may have the feeling that we live in the best of possible worlds. Given the possibilities, the vagaries of quantum mechanics, perhaps, you think to yourself, everything is right in the world.

These are reassuring fictions.

These fictions are propagated by a large number of clandestine groups, which run the affairs of the world from hidden bunkers, boardrooms, churches, and your medulla oblongata.

But not the Masons.

Alltop knows the secret handshake. Eyecatcher, originally uploaded by Robbert van der Steeg. Originally published in March, 2008.

Ask General Kang: Can you explain how international finances work?

You must have me confused with an economist.

Perhaps it is because I have not been allowed to answer any questions on The Skwib for some time (due to an extensive run of drivel produced by that Dadaist wanker, Toulouse Le Grandfig), or perhaps it's because you're a typical low-intellect human. In any case, economists all fabricate the truth based on a set of assumptions. (Interestingly, the etymology of that word is based on the Latin, umptio, which means "theoretical model" and the Anglo-Saxon word, ass, which means "ass". I will let you draw what inference you may.)

I am a much-feared Conqueror and Interstellar Overlord in my galaxy, and frankly, one of the first things I did when I came to power was feed all the economists to the Destragian Cipher-Beast. (A creature very much like your own mythical Sphinx, but instead of asking riddles it asks impenetrable questions based on encrypted versions of its own umptio, and instead strangling of its prey when they can't answer the question, the Cipher-Beast forces its unfortunate victims to clean up its basement. Then it eats them.)

But it was not enough to get rid of the economists. No. I had to change the behavior of all political classes on my home planet Neeknaw. This was achieved through a regime of beatings with waffle-bats, and if that proved insufficient (as it did in many financial districts), liberal application of a nerve toxin which destroys the greed centers of the primate brain. (Naturally, as an autocrat I wanted to leave the fear centers intact.)

This proved effective, and having thus made the affective changes I needed to in the populace, I was free to do whatever I wanted with the planet's resources.

These fellows seem to have a better take on your own planet's pathetic mess called international finance:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Or you can find the clip here.
Next time: What is the best phrase to use when jumping into hyper-space: "make it so", "engage" or "punch it you hairy bastard"?
Alltop studies the political economy of funny. Originally published in May, 2010.

René Magritte: Merchant Banker Masters His Mental Powers at Walton-on-the-Naze

While an art historian will tell you this 1964 painting is called "The Son of Man", and is meant to be a meditation on what is hidden in the visible world, they are of course, hiding the dreadful truth.

Since the early days of the 20th century, Britain's merchant bankers have controlled the world economy through their prodigious mental powers. A favourite training ground for this activity was the Essex seaside resort of Walton-on-the-Naze, mostly because of the heavy absurdium deposits in the region, but also because of the lovely beach and nice weather.

Absurdium, as all psionic adepts know, greatly enhances even the most latent mental powers, and so, The Ancient Order of Merchant Bankers would send all their most promising members to enhance and train their abilities. They could only graduate when they could perform the "apple in the eye" trick, pictured here. While this may seem like a simple bit of levitation, you will note that the banker's left arm is now bent backwards at the elbow.

Not pictured: the beach filled with non-banker holidaymakers bursting into flames, though Magritte does allude to this horror by filling the sunny sky with dark, human-smudge clouds.

Naturally, the Ancient Order no longer uses this ritual, and since discovering the derivative and credit-default swaps, it appears as though its members' prodigious mental powers have largely disappeared.

You can find more Famous Paintings with SF Titles here.

Alltop loves the derivative! Originally published December 2010.

Ask General Kang: Is it a correction? Please tell me it's just a correction! Should I sell?

Yep, there's nothing trickier to manipulate than a system based on fear and greed.

You humans should consider changing your approach to markets. Back on my home planet, I changed our stock market system to take most of the greed out of it, and increased the amount of fear.

How, you ask?

Simple. On a day like yesterday, anyone who managed to grab a profit out of the mass hysteria would be in big trouble.

How big, you ask?

Well, depending on the size of the profit, the traders could expect anything from a visit from Dave the Angry Rhesus monkey (armed with a pain stick and wet noodles), to being body-shaved, covered with nougat, and dropped into one of several nests of Parventian Rough-Tongued Terror Beasts.

So, on a day like yesterday, the question changes from: "can I make a profit out of the hysteria" or "should I sell and save myself" to "DARE I sell to make a profit/save myself."

Next time: I believe in love after love — is that wrong?
Alltop used to room with Dave the Angry Rhesus monkey in college. Originally published in February , 2007.

The five second rule

It was the best game of zenball ever, and the crowd was wild with excitement: the whisper of butterfly wings was deafening.

The Rotrovra Koan Kangaroos had just scored their first all-in kensho, and the Targenville Half-Lotus Lions replied with a double-satori. The Roos launched a full-out dharma walk, but they were unable to penetrate the Lions' impressive grasp of paradox.

The Roos had to do something or the Lions would surely win. The hush of the field filled with the deadly susurration of arrows, as they invoked the five second rule.

Afterwards, only the voice of a bamboo flute.

Alltop is the sound of one aggregator laughing. Originally appeared on , Feb. 2010. Image courtesy of h. koppdelany on Flickr.

Smurf-cutters

Lesley Pratt was a freakin' evil advertising genius.

In his quest to sell soap, he'd turned the shock value of bombing smurfs into a marketer's wet dream.

He'd even coined a term for the new form of advertising: aggressive suasion. (Though they were known as "smurf-cutters" to the Madison Avenue crowd.)

And in the course of doing so, systematically terrorized an entire generations of children.

A smattering of lead-lines shows how ruthless some of his campaigns could be:

Buy Sugar Smacks (or Barney Gets a Visit from the Vivisectionist, just like Baby Bop)
Do you want TinkiWinki to die too? Then use Flogg Brand Soap Flakes.
Only Mommy can save SpongeBob SquarePants from Hanibal Lector — Tell Her to Buy Spangles Spaghetti!

Based on this (real) ad:

Visit Alltop or Elmo gets kneecapped! Originally published in October, 2005, long before the movie!

Hamster Naming Guide, 2008 Protocols

HamsterNamingGuide2009, a photo by lunchbreath on Flickr.

I don't have 2009 or 2010 protocols available to share, but for those of you naming hamsters in 2011:

Obvious: Hammy

Portly: Kirstie

Good: Buddha (also could be used for Portly, if male)

Evil: Gehenna

Skinny: Imogen

Obscure: Thangador

I would love to know some of the other guides, but alas, I am too lazy to google. Feel free to inform me in the comments.