Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 92

Toulouse Le Grandfig's Summer Vacation: Departure

December 37, 1932

My voyage begins on the Ukranian Steam Ship, the Plotnik. On the first day, I met our captain. A diminutive, if stern fellow, by the name of Agamon Destroyer of Life. His constant companion was a mute who went by the name of Piffles. (Though he also answered to "Ahoy Gregor you great walloping pederast.")

We set sail from Kiev, a week before I left Paris. The sea breeze! The flying monkeys of the Ukraine. Ah, it was a dream come true.

Next Time: Buster Keaton's Inner Ear

About the Photographer: Toulouse Le Grandfig was a surrealist painter, photographer, writer, and a tremendous watchtower, glistening in the fetid fields of the mind. He ate truffles, magnets and things that made him feel "squingy." Also, he was a parakeet.

Marvellous Hairy is not a parakeet. It is a dolphin. A flappy, exuberant dolphin of joy. Alltop is a cruller. Originally published July 2008.

Toulouse Le Grandfig

[From the Oxfjord Compendium of Not-So-Good Painters]

Born in Sarlat (France) in 1895, Toulouse Le Grandfig was a minor painter and surrealist writer who's most important contributions are the dadaist works: "Le singe de vol mange le ciel," [1922 ("Flying monkey eats the sky")], and "Singe dans la casserole de cerveau" [1923 "Monkey in the brain pan")]. Though Grandfig's paintings were shockingly original, and showed flashes of technical brilliance, he never evolved as the other surrealists did. (He even refused to acknowledge that dadaism was dead, a stance that even Marcel Duchamp found ridiculous by the late 1920s.)

A stern critic of Grandfig, Duchamp once said of him: "If only he were a fucking monkey, then the roto-tiller would certainly ingest my bodily wastes."

Grandfig's surrealist autobiography and masterwork is "Ma batte est une cheminee." ["My bat is a chimney" (Presse De Boue De Porcs, 1937.)] Recently, a previously unpublished collection of photography was uncovered by an aficionado of all things Grandfig, and remains safely obscure in his collection. Little is known of this work, except the title, predictably: "My monkey burns… a holiday in photographs."

……

Ed. Note: Grandfig's dadaist works will no longer remain "safely obscure" as The Skwib has purchased a number of his collections, including "Necrobiblia".

Other Toulouse Le Grandfig can be found in that category.

From the Necrobiblia collection: Hand-holding | At the bottling plant | Rozie | The Pillage People | How the world ends | At the abbatoir | Gunter tries again | The love that dare not | Catholic school | Alonsy is late | Pure Lain Follies | The Team Picks a Name | The Tradition Continues | Austria, 1912

Alltop cannot be blamed for this. Originally published in 2005, or so legend has it.

Some days you're the monkey, some days the shark

Alltop is the grungy starburst. Image via Brexians.

Other problems with the Singularity

Vastly extended human lifespans might sound like a great idea, but the death of art is only one.

Alltop IS the death of art.

The Levels of Drinking Consciousness: A Unified Theory

Yesterday we looked at Larry Miller's routine, "the five levels of drinking", which while entertaining, does not look the levels systematically. He also really only discusses the first three levels in detail. My friends and I have developed a more systematic description of alcohol's effect on human consciousness quite tirelessly over the years, beginning sometime in 1987, right up until the point when we realized it was killing us.

Basically, the idea is that as you drink, you delve deeper into your evolutionary brain. So as we turn off certain aspects of our brains, our consciousness devolves to the point that we're basically exhibiting animal behaviors. We have called the system:

The Cult of the Claw
Level One: Human Being

The human part of our brain is the part that is civilized. This is the part of our consciousness that knows — as in Larry Miller's example — that we need to go home and go to bed because we have to work in the morning. You may have one drink, and possibly even two, with no danger to this level of consciousness. However, at some point (depending on the size of your liver, your body's mass, your tolerance to alcohol, and so on), you will have the drink that we in the Cult describe as "The Hankering".

Now, people believe that it is quite easy to leave the human level of consciousness, but we in the Cult think that it is actually quite difficult to leave that level. However, if you keep drinking, at some point (depending on the speed of your consumption and the previously mentioned factors) you will have the that we call "The Hammer". The Hammer will take away your resolve to stop drinking entirely. (This is the point in Miller's routine where three hours of sleep will do.)

Level Two: Monkey

The Hammer leads, inevitably, to "The Inebriation," leading you to the next layer down, the monkey layer.

Now, this part of our mind understands that there are consequences to actions. It's social too. The monkey might want to say… have sex with your best friend's sibling, but it probably wouldn't because it would understand that it would get punished if it did. If it thought it could get away with it, then perhaps it would proceed. It is the part of the mind that buys rounds for that person at the end of the bar, because, as Miller says, "you like their face."

The monkey, in other words, is the ego.

At some point, you will have the drink that we, in the Cult, call "The Wedge". This beverage totally frees monkey, and is the part of the evening that is most fun. It is the part that Miller spends most of his routine describing. "We're going to Florida!" Now, if you continue to drink, then you are entering dangerous, dangerous territory.

Level Three: Lizard

You guessed it, all you lovers of Freudian mythology. If monkey is the ego, then lizard is the Id. Id is scary times. The lizard is all our basic impulses. The pleasure principle as Freud called it. Sex. Eating. Sex. Sunning yourself. Did I mention the sex? Anyway, it's all that good physical sensation stuff.

It's also about territoriality, and that means fighting.

The good news is that to release the Lizard (capital "L" definitely, there), you must have the drink that we call "The Sledge". This is usually enough to render you incapable of doing much harm, though in some cases, those with very high tolerance to alcohol can continue to function and cause immeasurable damage. (St. Patrick's Day.) However, our experience is The Sledge usually prevents Mr. (or Ms.) Lizard from following up on his (or her) desires; my best example of this is a friend who was once carried by non-Sledge consuming companions past a female residence at a mid-sized university in Ontario, where he screamed in his Lizard-addled voice "I want to f*#k you all!" That was no exaggeration. If he'd been capable, he would have gone floor-by-floor, room-by-room. That was pure Lizard. Luckily, Lizard could not stand without assistance.

If you continue drinking, then eventually you will be able to incapacitate the Lizard.

Level Four: Fish

Incapacitating the Lizard may sound good, in theory, but what it means is that you have now turned off most of the functions of your brain. Luckily, you still have your brain stem, keeping you breathing. The drink that causes this is "The Icthyolization".

With any luck, someone will turn you on your side when you pass out. (Note: those with lower tolerances may pass out in the Lizard level, which is preferable.) Otherwise, that final drink is what we call "The Mourning".

Here's a handy chart to help you keep all of this straight:



*Beaufort-style scale on boozologist's equations of body weight, liver size and endurance, plus time scale. (Not to exceed ten hours in this case.) A mixologist was consulted in the weighing of this scale.

You can read our original findings, and scientific reaction, here.

If you would like to learn more about The Cult of the Claw, then there is an entire novel based on this whacky notion. It's called Marvellous Hairy, and really, you should just go ahead and buy it at Amazon, B&N, Smashwords, etc. Oh, and if you get a copy this month, you could win a Kindle.

Alltop is mostly monkey, most of the time. Thanks to kladcat for the medieval woodcuts that kind of look like lizards, monkeys, and fish.

Larry Miller's Five Levels of Drinking

I love this routine by Larry Miller; it's great storytelling, and it reminds me of my idiot friends. We went so far as to name all of these levels, including some names for specific drinks within the five levels. (In fact, it is the basis for the structure of my second novel, Marvellous Hairy.) Tomorrow I'll outline these in a fuller post, but for now, please enjoy Miller's take:

Don't read this until you've watched the video (spoiler):

I love the description of the morning-after sun as "God's flashlight", and yes, I too have uttered the vow (with the extra part):

"I swear I will never do this again, as long as I live. And this time I mean it."

If you enjoyed this, and you like listening to podcasts, you should really check out Miller's weekly rant/stream-of-consciousness storytime, This Week with Larry Miller.

Alltop always means it.

Waiting for the razor-blade singularity

We may need to check with Ray Kurzweil on this one, but it looks as though we might expect the technological singularity sooner than anyone expects, based on your razor.

The Economist did an evaluation of the number of blades on razors, and discovered (with five data points) that there is a Moore's Law for razor blades. (This is the idea that computer chips double in power every 18 months or so.) It took seventy years to add the second blade, twenty or so to get to three blades, a few years to go from three to four, and the Fusion came out in 2006. So, is this just marketing, or another indicator of the technological singularity?

I suspect the latter. Each new blade requires, like the the doubling of computer chip power, new technology and innovation. (Much to the chagrin of razor-blade marketers everywhere.)

The Economist predicts a 14-bladed razor by the year 2100, unless the growth rate is a hyperbola, in which case, expect the the singularity by 2015.

Unfortunately, we've been stalled at 5 blades for nearly 5 years now, so I suspect it is going to take longer to get that 14-bladed beard-destroying monster. My razor has five blades, and I find it takes too long to shave, though the results are acceptable. That said, I should also note that I have a goatee, so I'm only shaving 60% of my face. If I had to shave my entire face, I don't know if I could take the crushing ennui.

Of course, by the time the singularity arrives, we'll have an app for ennui.

Alltop uses the same bronze razor that Archimedes shaved with. Razor photo by Dr. Friendly.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (4th of July Edition)

John Hancock proposes boycott of British East India Company tea to Colonial housewives, 1769 (slide 4)

I agree tea is lovely but coffee is good too
Because, this will hurt British
Yes, my signature is big
No, not indicative of anything else, Madame.

Paul Revere delivers Suffolk Resolves to First Continental Congress, 1774 (final slide)

To recap:

no British goods
raise militia
ignore British rule
Intolerable Acts — really intolerable.

Thomas Paine presents Common Sense in Philadelphia, 1776 (slide 3)

Being part of Britain — third problem:

drag America into unnecessary wars.

Jefferson previews first draft of Declaration of Independence to other committee members, 1776 (slide 4)

Unalienable rights — further explanation:

not being killed or life?
freedom from slavery or liberty?
pursuit of happiness or — swag, property, bling?
open to suggestions…

Jacques-Donatien Le Ray invites Benjamin Franklin to stay at his fully staffed mansion in Paris, 1776 (slide 12)

As I love liberty, and believe all men are equal
Use my mansion in Passy
No electricity experiments is all I ask
France and America will always be great friends!

Baron von Steuben drills Continental Army at Valley Forge, 1778 (slide 12)

Key elements of Prussian order:

bad food
harsh conditions
severe discipline
"friendship" of your fellow soldier.

Washington farewell address, 1796 (slide 7)

Further, regarding sectionalism:

not so sure a two-party state is a good idea.

Happy holiday to everyone in the States, including all the busy bloggers and alltop. Thanks to d4rr3ll for the fireworks photo. Originally published July 4, 2008.

Nude Clanking Down a Staircase

You had to hand it to Wanda the Happy Ending Pleasure Borg; sure, she was two-thirds titanium alloy with Buckyball Graphite Tetro-Carbon piping, but she had a sweet disposition, a lovely singing voice, and legs that just didn't stop.

She had hydraulic servo-motors in places where normal cyborgs could only dream of servo-motors, if you get my meaning. Her lung capacity and subsequent drawing power are also, rather, uh … bracing and give truth to her name. She was originally designed to work at the brothels on Bivalve 12, famed for the race of Silicoids. (You know, the glowing creatures with blood like lava and equipment harder than diamond.)

So don't let her touch you with her hands.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future.

Alltop is also bracing. Originally published, June 2007.

Ten indisputable facts about Canada (Part Two: Culture)

To commemorate Canada Day, I decided it would be useful to clear up some common myths people have about Canada and its culture. I thought it might be especially helpful here at The Skwib, since many of its readers come from other parts of the world. You may want to read Part One, about Canadian history, first:

Six: Hockey

If you are familiar with Canada, you may have heard something about hockey — or ice hockey, as it is known in countries where other, sissified forms of hockey are more popular. Hockey is quite possibly the most important thing in Canadian culture. Did you know that most Canadians emerge from the womb clutching a tiny hockey stick? Did you also know that infants who do not have a hockey stick when they are born are given one by the National Hockey Commission? It's true. (Though quite often the Canadian babies born without hockey sticks must have it duct-taped to their tiny fists.) Hockey was invented by Canada's first PM, John A. "The Madman" Macdonald and his Association of Really Ripped Gentlemen (ARRG) in 1847 (the same year the Canadian parliament was built in Ottawa). Hockey permeates Canadian society the way that guns permeate US culture. When there is no ice to play on, Canadians make do with roads, sidewalks and abandoned tennis courts to play their favorite game. There are probably about 29-million people playing hockey right now in Canada. (The other four million are either too infirm or too drunk to play, or they are part of the small percentage of selfless Canadians who keep our various hockey-supporting infrastructures serviced, including the universal hockey injury health service, the power grid, and of course, the lumberjacks who chop down the trees we use in the creation of hockey sticks.)

Seven: Timmys

Almost as important as hockey, Timmys, or Tim Hortons, is Canada's national coffee chain. (It may be no surprise to learn that Tim Horton was a legendary hockey star, capable of decapitating his opponents with one slash of his razor-sharp hockey stick.) Timmys is best known for its highly addictive coffee, made from the distilled sweat of NHL hockey players, ultra-caffeine, phenylcyclohexylpiperidine (rocket fuel), and one supposes some form of coffee bean, though the dark coloring may be provided by some kind of cocaine-based food dye. Timmys coffee is powerful enough to wake even a thoroughly hung-over hockey dad at 4 am, as he attempts to deliver his hockey-addled progeny to a 5 am practice.

Eight: International Stars

You may not realize this, but one of Canada's major exports is international stars. In fact, fully 63.2% of our Gross Domestic Product is the result of remittances from our international stars. What stars am I talking about? Well, the Department of International Entertainer Breeding has been most successful at creating three kinds of super stars:

female singers Celine Dion, Joni Mitchell, Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morrisette, Shania Twain … etc.
comics: Dan Akroyd, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Howie Mandel, Lorne Michaels, most of Second City, the Kids in the Hall … etc.
actors: Michael J Fox, Kiefer Sutherland, Keanu Reeves, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Rachel McAdams, Seth Rogan etc.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for this, but really, what choice do we have? We would go broke without them. Though we really are very, very sorry about Celine.

Nine: The CBC

Many of you may have heard of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, which is purportedly Canada's national broadcaster, running services in both English and French; the CBC has television and radio stations across the country. This, is, of course, a front. In fact, the CBC are highly trained cadre of scientists, weapon-specialists, and blade-wielding warriors who keep Canada safe from another outbreak of zombies. (This is always a danger, particularly in the summer months after the NHL hockey season is over, when Canadian men, in particular, are prone to fits of zombie-ism.) Without the brave and tireless work of the CBC, Canada would have long been overrun by zombies. Even so, some taxpayers think it would be nice not to have to pay for CBC TV.

Ten: William Shatner

William Shatner is a national treasure, so he gets his own category. It is just a matter of time until we have a National Holiday named after him. (Personally, I think we should have some kind of break in February.)

Here is some classic "stylings" of Bill, performing Rocketman:

Click here to view the embedded video.

And here is Bill's send up of the I AM CANADIAN rant:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Part One: History
Alltop is an honourary Canadian. Originally published June, 2009.

Thanks to Iragerich for the baby-hockey evidence, Loimere for the Timmys cup, UltimateGraphics for the Pammy pic.

Note: we may have different interpretations of what the word "indisputable" means.