Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 93

Ten indisputable facts about Canada (Part One: History)

To commemorate Canada Day tomorrow, I thought it might be useful to clear up some common myths people have about Canada and Canadian history. Many of the readers of The Skwib come from outside Canada, so this brief history may be especially helpful to you (though we Canadians can always learn more about our rich history too):

One: The Vikings

The first Europeans to arrive in Canada were the Vikings, in 1009, making this the 1000-year anniversary of this important (factual) historical event. Their leader, Leif The Abrasive, was told by several Irish monks that a "vast and rich land" lay across the Atlantic Ocean. Leif, who was torturing them at the time, took them at their word and immediately launched a massive invasion. Many of the longboats sank in the crossing, but the core band arrived in Newfoundland (which the Vikings hopefully called "Vinland", as they expected to find many fine wines in this new world — a hope which would not be fulfilled until the early 1990s.) Initially, the Viking settlement was successful, winning several Juno Awards — a kind of Canadian Grammy — but soon they split because of "creative differences". Little was heard of them afterwards, but one of the members later had an interesting show about the early days of Viking rock on CBC Radio.

Two: Other Invasions

The next massive invasion came from the French, who had an insatiable thirst for beaver. Eventually, the British invaded too, declaring that they too had a hunger for "beaver and other pelts", but really they were just jealous of the French, who were so good at trapping and mating with the cute, industrious rodents. Throughout this period, the aboriginal populations of Canada (erroneously called "Indians" because of the navigationally challenged racist Christopher Columbus), tried to cope with their perverted new neighbors, though they never understood them.

Three: Canada" does not mean "village"

Many people believe the name Canada is based on the Iroquois word "kanata" or "village." The sad truth is Canada is named after Lord Alfred O. Canada, the first Twit Plenipotentiary sent by the British Crown to rule over the beaver-addled country with an iron fist (he'd lost his original hand in the Battle of Ipswich — fought between the Dutch, the French and the British over who was going to pick up the check at the annual Let's Rape the New World Convention and BeaverFest) and his laser-beam-firing eyes. (He is a ancestor of Queen Victoria.) Though he was a twit, his powerful eyes were capable of leveling cities and the primitive flintlocks used at the time could not penetrate the force shield he was able to generate with the power of his idiocy. He fed himself on a steady diet of French babies and British virgins (who were plentiful in the Age of the Pox). Many were lost in the battle against the depredations of Lord Alfred or "he who should not be named", but eventually, he was tricked into getting into a canoe just upriver of Niagara Falls. (The clever rebel force had placed a sign on the canoe that said, "fresh French baby here".) When he was in the canoe, confused by the lack of baby, the plucky freedom fighters pushed the canoe into the swift current. The heroic rebels were vaporized by Lord Alfred's fiery gaze, but their plan had succeeded: the Twit Plenipotentiary fell to his death as not even his incredibly stupidity field could save him. Niagara Falls is a venerated site because of this history, and most Canadians will, at some point, make the pilgrimage to Niagara Falls where they will watch with reverence as they gaze at the power of the natural wonder for at least five minutes. They will then spend the afternoon looking at freaks. Canadians decided to take the name that they has formerly been afraid to utter, and use it to remind themselves of their resilience and fortitude. Furthermore, early Canadians immortalized this story by turning it into Canada's national anthem:

O. Canada,

You evil, nasty man,

Never again will babies be e-a-ten!

With glowing hearts we see thee fall

Thy hand of iron a weight.

From far and wide, O. Canada

With you we're quite irate.

God keep our land, British twit free!

O. Canada we stand on guard from thee.

O. Canada we stand on guard from thee.

Four: The National Capital Region

Despite the victory over Lord Alfred O. Canada, the British Crown continued to make decisions for thepeoples of Canada — they just stopped sending the twits here, and made their determinations in the UK; this is why the capital of the country is in Ottawa. Sitting on the south bank of the Ottawa River, the city is the fourth-coldest capital within parsecs. The only colder capitals are Ulaanbaatar (Mongolia), Moscow (Russia) and Pakit! (Hoth). What many people do not realize is that it is also a) one of the most humid capitals in the world (in the months of June-August) and b) the center of an underground civilization populated by Morlocks. The Morlocks, as you know, see human beings as a food source, but they are quite conservative in their culling practices, which incorporate a model of sustainability and eugenics rarely seen. The Morlocks have found that it is most efficient to eat only the most intelligent males in the National Capital Region. This explains the predominance of women in the civil service (one of Ottawa's major industries). One supposes the Morlocks do not cull the intelligent females, because they are confident that the remaining male population will be of little interest to them. In fact, Queen Victoria's twits actually knew about this, which is why they built Canada's parliament in this region, ensuring the safety of Canada's politicians for generations to come. (At this point in history, they still held out hopes that they might return to Canada and rule in person.) Note: Many textbooks will tell you that Ottawa was not made the capital until 1867, but this is, in fact, a typo. It was 1847.

Five: The BNA Act

Despite their alleged abhorrence of violence, Canadians have traditionally been fierce warriors. During the War of 1812, for example, Canada was defended from US invaders not by the British Army, nor our own irregular troops (they were all engaged in a real war with Napoleon Bonaparte), but by a cadre of little schoolgirls and one-legged lumberjacks. (Thus explaining the draw, or if you're a student of American history, the "victory".) No warrior was more fierce than the Scottish-born firebrand John Alexander "The Madman" Macdonald. He rose to prominence during the first Zombie War, 1837, and was elected to Parliament. (It is worth noting that The Madman is one of the few intelligent politicians to survive Morlock culling practices; while he was still young and hale, The Madman would spend many an evening in the underground world, doing a little culling of his own. (He led a group of Morlock-hunters called the Association of Really Ripped Gentlemen (ARRG) in his off-hours.) As he aged, The Madman discovered that he was able to feign stupidity by keeping himself "well-medicated" with scotch. Despite this impediment, he was still able to convince the British crown to allow Canada to govern itself, forming a "Confederation" under the Beaver Not Actually needed Act. (BNA Act.) This forms, essentially, the constitution of Canada. After achieving Confederation, Macdonald went on to enlist the help of the Association of Really Ripped Gentlemen (ARRG) in building a railroad across Canada, eliminating all the vampires from the Northwest Territories, and inventing the game of hockey.

Part Two (Culture) here!

Thanks to Maxarchivist for the viking pic and Andrew for the beaver & Whatsthatpicture for the shot of O. Canada.

Alltop has a fondness for rodents of unusual size. Originally published in June 2009.

Tying your shoes — you're doing it wrong

When I was a wee lad, I had trouble tying my shoes the wrong way. I had to make two big loops and overlap those. True story. (Embarrassing, but true.)

Alltop just wears those velcro sneakers.

His name was Donald Gennaro, btw

Returning to the food chain would suck. You can watch the poor man get consumed at YouTube, of course, but why would you want to watch a lawyer get humiliated like that?

Alltop likes to tell lawyer jokes … until it needs to get out of jail!

Apocalypse Cow

Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were going all the way. Kurtz got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin' program.

And me? I was off the boat the same time as Kurtz. Sure, I'd been obeying orders, but my mind was gone. I was in fields of green and clover. With milkmaids.

Oh man, those bullshit milkmaids…

But I had a job to do, and there would be no welcome, supple fingers pulling on my teats when we got to the end of the river. Only barbecue.

The barbecue … the barbecue.

Are they gonna say Alltop was a good man? No. Wrong. Originally appeared at . Cow by publicenergy.

When Roombas Attack: The Singularity

My next novel has a comedic take on the Technological Singularity, so I thought I'd start to do some more posts about the topic here on The Skwib. The following video is a kind-of companion piece for a Time article that came out earlier this year about the Singularity and one of its main proponents, Ray Kurzweil. It is presented by the Earth's "premier science comedian". I'm not sure what the hell that means, but it is funny!

The Frankenstein myth predates the story told by Mary Shelly, incidentally. A form of it is as old as Prometheus, in which the Titan steals the secrets of civilization and gives it to human beings. (Zeus doesn't like this very much, and punishes Prometheus by forcing him to donate his liver to a large avian of the family accipitridae on a daily basis.) In Jewish folklore there is the golem, which is created from clay and in many accounts destroys its creator, largely because it's so difficult to find a decent corned beef sandwich in medieval European cities.

In most of these stories, at heart is the idea of human hubris — an overweening pride or arrogance that defies the gods, or in modern stories, reality. Well, that and dodgy meals.

Hubris has always been a component of the human heart. Without it we wouldn't try to create things, but if we rely on it too much, we can get ourselves in trouble. Most of our problems with technology stem from this irrational confidence that we can control our own creations — something that is manifestly untrue. If you ever get the feeling that our technology is out of control, you're not alone. And you're more sane than those who believe technology is something we command at will. It's a bias we all have, because it's rational.

We can control individual technologies, in the absence of other technologies and systems. But once they start to interact, they become more difficult to understand. The very rationality that allowed us to create science and technology in the first place now undercuts our ability to understand the gestalt of many technologies and systems interacting. That is not to say we shouldn't TRY to understand them, but it is to say we should show more humility with the further creation of new technologies.

I will now demonstrate a complete lack of humility by inserting a cartoon of a monkey pirate. You didn't see that coming did you?

Tiny Pirate, Monkey of The Seven Seas, a photo by Ape Lad on Flickr.

Alltop is funnier than monkeys, pirates and robots combined.

Tiny Pirate, Monkey of The Seven Seas

Tiny Pirate, Monkey of The Seven Seas, a photo by Ape Lad on Flickr.

Ask General Kang: Miss Manners says it has to be 97 degrees out before I don't have to wear nylons. What do you think?

I think you should tell me what that is in Celsius. 35? 36?

Never mind, it doesn't matter, because that Miss Manners is a complete bitch. How DARE she tell you what to do? I'm only offering helpful advice, but she has decrees. Well, I think you should wear whatever you want. It's still a free country, right?

Of course, I'm not sure how long it will be a free country, particularly once I've got my new Cyber-Simian Strike Force up to fluff.

You know I would never tell you what to wear. I think these sartorial decisions are the thing that make us different from the lower animals. (You know, non-primates.) That said, I do require the blue evil flying monkeys in my Air Force to wear their cute little silver helmets, for their own safety, of course.

So, I can wear white after Labor Day too?

Only if you want to look like a Russian hooker.

Alltop prefers looking like a prostitute from Belarus. Originally published in August, 2005. Seriously, check out the post number.

Baby existentialism

This explains so much.

Alltop was more of a baby solipsist.

Peter Gzowski returns to radio

Bill Freedman woke up in Bucolic City like he always did; the clock radio clicked on to the familiar sound of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

He hated listening in the summer, but what could you do? It was the only talk radio he could (barely) stomach.

"Oh great, more reruns," he thought, as he listened to what was clearly an old conversation about whether bilingualism was necessary in all parts of the country.

The CBC was known for its long hiatuses in original programming during the summer. Some of their regular hosts had longer breaks than most school teachers. Or did he remember hearing something about a lockout of the regular talent? Hard to tell the difference really.

"Wait a minute," he thought, "that's Peter Gzowski talking. I'd recognize that affable, cigarette-roughened voice anywhere. Isn't he DEAD?"

The conversation on the radio was interrupted by a long silence, and then Bill heard his favorite host groan.

It was a disturbing moan that ended upwards, almost as if Gzowski was about to ask one of his trademark, apparently goofy questions that was really a minefield in disguise.

"Peter Gzowski want brains!"

The guest's screams were horribly truncated, and then Bill heard the sound of crunching, smacking. It was disgusting.

"Now play Life is a Highway," Gzowski said beteen mouthfuls, and Tom Cochran's tune drowned out the awful feeding.

As he bopped along to the road anthem, Bill thought the CBC had never been so interesting.

Alltop want funny! This was originally published in August, 2005. You read that right. 2005, bitches! For those of you who don't remember Gzowski, you can find his hagiography here.

The Device

When Charlie hired on to Doctor Machinica's Traveling Hospital for Female Hysteria, he had no idea what he was getting himself into. He certainly didn't know anything about The Device.

The Doctor was a respectable-looking fellow, if a bit short of stature and brawn (except for his unnaturally thick right forearm, which looked like it was twice the size of his left). He dressed in natty tweed suits, even during the hottest months of summer. And his narrow face always had an expression of curiosity on it, even if his eyes were obscured by thick glasses.

Charlie had left the farm, hoping to find excitement in the big city, but so far he'd only found poverty and pollution. So, when he heard the Doctor was hiring a workman for his practice, he was full of hope that it would be a great break for him.

"Basically, your job is to maintain The Device — don't worry, I'll show you everything you need to know — and the most important part of that will be to keep the damned thing powered while I'm administering the Cure to our patients," Doctor Machinica told him on his first day.

The Device was steam-powered, so Charlie's main concern was to ensure that it didn't run out of coal while the Doctor did his work. Until their first appointment, he couldn't quite figure out what the machine did, but it appeared to be some kind of steam-driven wand with a large bulbous end that made a loud buzzing noise and vibrated excessively.

The machine required constant coaling, so Charlie had to be in the room with the Doctor and the patient while the Cure was administered. But … the Cure for what?

On the day he started, their first patient was a charming and well-bred lady from the better part of town; unfortunately, Mrs. MacReady suffered from "female hysteria". As the machine came up to full power, the Doctor administered what he called a "pelvic massages", which produced what he later described to Charlie as "hysterical paroxysm".

Charlie still blushed with the memory of what MacReady had said to Doctor Machinica during her "paroxysms"; he became even more agitated, while riding to their next appointment, when the Doctor told him: "I thank God every day for this machine, Charlie. I used to have to do that manually."

Charlie didn't say so, but he thought he might be willing to give it a try — that is, if The Device ever broke down.

Inspired by:

Female hysteria, pelvic massage and the "hysterical paroxysm": Victorian medical vibrators [wiki]

For paroxysms of a less prurient nature, check outalltop. Originally published in August, 2008.