Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 83
October 13, 2011
Spike Milligan makes fun of Hitler & Prince Charles
Of course, you could always check out his memoir too, Adolf Hitler, My Part in His Downfall.
Alltop is willing to grovel for your laughs.
October 12, 2011
October 11, 2011
How to open a door (and be awesome)
This is a Finnish instructional video from 1979. Click on the red CC if you want the subtitles.
Oh my god, don't leaving me hanging like that rocking 70s mustache man! How the hell do I look awesome if the door opens towards me?
Now, is it me, or is the rocking 70s mustache man just filled with rage? Did you notice how he made that fist after he's told us not to be a bad door opener? You can see the creeping insanity in his eyes there. He's ENRAGED by bad door openers. In fact, I heard he was ordered to do this instructional video by the Finnish courts for beating an old man senseless with his own cane after he was unable to slide effortlessly through the portal.
I would like to see a follow up series of videos explaining how to obsessively wash your hands after you touch a door handle or even worse, a knob. (Shudder.)
Alltop is enraged by sloppy window cracking.
October 10, 2011
A middle year satori
Beauty is relative, a photo by True_Bavarian on Flickr.
At a certain point in your life, you realize that you are who you are.
That isn't to say that your life won't change. Of course it will change. So will your personality, but not in big ways. If you're an introvert, you're not going to suddenly feel energized by hanging out with a room full of happy strangers who want nothing better than to engage you in mindless chitchat. And vice versa.
You may be able to change some of your habits, if you've got the willpower. Of course, if you don't have willpower to begin with, you probably won't be able to do too much about those habits, unless they're going to kill you. That can replace willpower.
This is the stage at your life when you can be happy with who you are, if you accept it. But that's the hard part of this process. You have to give up on some idealized version of yourself, and accept the being you are at the moment. You have to stop living in some perfect future, and hang out in the present.
But you can always get a new haircut.
Alltop's barber is a bonobo.
October 9, 2011
October 8, 2011
Yes, I'm aware of the irony
I've always loved Weird Al, and this piece demonstrates his great sense of humor, grasp of the zeitgeist, and his songwriting chops.
Stop Forwarding that Crap To Me
My only regret is that he didn't work in a couple of FB and Twitter references, which are surely the new version of this phenomenon.
Weird Al for Pres!
Alltop could be the Secretary of Humor.
October 7, 2011
The Cybernetic Thought Projection Hat
This hat recalls the iconic headgear worn by the Cognition Brigade during the Second Robotic War. First developed for long distance thought projection, hats of this design were worn by countless Though Soldiers during the war, preferred for its ability to combat the medulla-inhibiting freeze rays of the Robotic Army of Dread.
True to the originals, its buttery-soft, plasskin dendrite injectors are durable yet supple, and its genuine high-impact titanium exterior and classic sound-sealing ear covers provide comfort and the ability to mute the screams of the Thought Soldiers dying around you, or more likely, inane chatter in the office.
This hat will allow you to send your thoughts up to one parsec away, assuming the person you're sending your thoughts to is also wearing a similar hat. It automatically shuts off when removed from the head, or when the head is removed from the neck. Sizes S, M, L and XL.
Have The MonkeySphere beamed into your head: it's a monthly mind-filling microserving of absurd humor. When it reaches 500 subscribers, I'm giving away a Kindle. ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.
Alltop likes earflaps.
October 6, 2011
The Frozen Soylent Green Soft Serve Processor
This is the device that instantly turns Soylent Green and other flavorings into a soft-serve treat. The unit combines frozen Soylent Green and any additional Soylent products you can scavenge and instantly churns the ingredients to produce a treat with the texture of frozen yogurt or soft-serve ice cream, but without the crushing existential angst of eating people.
The chute easily accepts fruit when you can find it, but even the most affluent HSG customer is unlikely to have fruit, so it also works with Soylent Green, Soylent Red, Soylent Orange, and a wide variety of decomposing garbage; the integrated conical, spinning blade mashes and incorporates the nutrients into a silky-smooth confection. The chute, plunger, and blade are dishwasher safe. Includes a dessert storage container, four popsicle molds, recipe booklet, and the number to the Soylent Suicide Promotion hotline. Plugs into AC. (14″ H x 7 1/2″ W x 6″ D.)
Subscribe to a delicious confection of garbage in The MonkeySphere, a monthly mashing of absurd humor. When it reaches 500 subscribers, I'm giving away a Kindle. ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.
Alltop prefers people.
October 5, 2011
The Thomas Kincaid Pop-Up Christmas Tree and Consumer Happiness Dispenser
This is a six-foot Christmas tree that pops up instantly and is pre-decorated with original artwork by renowned holiday artist Thomas Kinkaid, all of which can dispense Viritron's patented Santa Virus.
The tree rises from a flat position in concentric circles to its full thirty-inch width and seventy-six-inch height, and simply hangs on the included stand, in which is embedded a Viritron Aerosol Dispensing Unit, capable of infecting anyone within a two-hundred foot radius of the tree with a virus that will guarantee you have a good Christmas.
Three hundred glistening clear lights are nestled among the branches and cast a warm glow on the seventy richly-painted globe ornaments, that will be sure to distract your customers from the brief intense psychic pain they will feel upon contact with the Santa Virus, as it coerces them to buy more gifts than they can afford. The tree has two additional gold and burgundy ribbons, 15 velvet-like poinsettias, and a golden bow, which has a rebreather and a two-minute oxygen supply embedded in it, if you are inadvertently caught in your store while the tree is circulating the Santa Virus. The tree collapses for easy storage for the off-season. (15lbs. Santa Virus sold separately.)
Experience brief psychic pleasure each by subscribing to The MonkeySphere, a monthly burst of absurd humor. When it reaches 500 subscribers, I'm giving away a Kindle. ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.
Alltop is always a happy consumer.
October 4, 2011
The Laser Equipped Autonomous Robotic Vacuum
This is the robotic vacuum that navigates autonomously through your home up to seven times per week, where it can either clean your floors or patrol for intruders. The unit's specially designed dual, counter-rotating agitator brushes spread carpet fibers and enable the vacuum to remove hair and other detritus from low- and high-pile carpets, while its dual Class VII lasers are capable of vaporizing any intruders (or more likely, unwanted refuse left on the floor).
Sensors redirect the unit when it encounters furniture, walls, or stairs, and its anti-tangle technology reverses the rotation of the brushes when it encounters rug fringe. Sensors will also allow your pets to survive The Laser Equipped Autonomous Robotic Vacuum. It cleans up to four rooms, and incinerates up to three large intruders per charge, and automatically returns to its drive-on charger when its battery runs low. (2′ 1/2″ H x 13″ Diam. 11 3/4 lbs.)
Vaporize your ennui by subscribing to The MonkeySphere, a monthly mega-burst of absurd humor. When it reaches 500 subscribers, I'm giving away a Kindle. ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.
Alltop pretends to be autonomous too.
Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog
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