Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 80

The Merchant Banker Awards

Thorsson had a very small but fanatically loyal client base.

They especially liked his aggressive stance vis-a-vis derivatives and lopping the heads off of their competition.

Alltop enjoys credit-swap de-cranialization. Originally published January 2007. Thanks to Hans S for the skull-splittingly good photo.
More of Toulouse Le Grandfig's work can be found in the Toulouse Le Grandfig category.

Survivor Jerusalem: Crucifixion Island

There are only nine challengers left.

Jeff Probst introduces the day's challenge: "For today's reward challenge, I'm going to tell you what you're competing for first. We've divided you into three teams. The winning team will get a sit-down meal at Shecky Joe's Rib Emporium — "

[groan from two thirds of the contestants]

"And knowing that might not be enough inducement for tough competition, we've decided that the winning team gets to send one member of the losing team to Crucifixion Island."

[utter silence from the contestants]

"Worth playing for?" he asks with a smirk.

[Judas whispers something to his team-mates for the challenge, Pontius and Barabas. They all cast meaningful looks towards Jesus. Jesus looks at his team-mates for the challenge, his mom and Mary, and a bead of sweat appears on his forehead, refracting the sunlight beating down on them.]

Alltop loves ribs! Volunteer for Xion Island here.

The Future Is Frenzied

Professor Albedo-9000 Frink (the Third) was justifiably proud of his invention. It had taken him nearly 300 years of his genetically enhanced life to construct the Frink Dojigger 12. (Experimental models 1-11 proved un-viable.)

Using only the finest Moussorgsky rodent filaments and all the heavy element Poutinium available in the Liquid Fermentation Galaxy, he had constructed the first Pan-Dimensional TeleKinetic Operating System known to man.

It wasn't perfect yet, by any means. The Moussorgsky rodent filaments only worked when fed a steady diet of Hermelin cheese and light Russian opera. And the Poutinium was playing hell with the customized Evacuation Module he'd purchased from Googlishus Industries.

And of course, he had no idea what the Frink Dojigger did yet, but he was pretty certain the twelfth model the wouldn't de-molecularize its operator.

Pretty sure. He still thought it prudent to get his latest grad student, Chad, to try it out first.

Alltop loves light Russian opera! From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by Victoria Peckham. Originally published in November, 2007.

Zach Galifianakis interview Charlize Theron

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Charlize Theron from Between Two Ferns

Alltop has sweaty thighs too.

Zach Galifianakis interviews Bruce Willis

The 80s: the underrated decade.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Bruce Willis from Bruce Willis

Alltop preferred the 70s.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Battle of Vimy Ridge Edition)

General Ludwig von Falkenhausen presents "The Week of Suffering" (circa April 2-9, 1917) –>slide 2

Artillery relentless
I'd guess about a million shells
Somehow can target our artillery, even though they're hidden behind ridge
We ran out of aspirin, earplugs.

Allied General Arthur Currie presents "Better Creeping" (circa April 9, 1917) –>slide 4

first wave attacks behind creeping barrage
continuous line of shells
improve on what we did at the Somme.

Corporal Gus Sivertz (2nd Canadian Mounted Rifles) presents "Nervy" –>slide 7

a macabre dance
nerves vibrated
thousands of shells, machine gun bullets whizzed overhead
advanced over no-man's land
if you put your hand up, you'd touch a ceiling of sound
and probably lose a finger or two.

French soldier learns of victory at Vimy –>slide 1

C'est impossible!

French soldier learns four Canadian divisions fighting at Vimy with one British division–>slide 2

Ah! les Canadiens! C'est possible!

Notes: The shelling at the battle began April 2, 1917, and the battle itself began on April 9, 1917. Vimy marked the first time that Canadian troops fought together on a a corps level, and they took the ridge with casualties of 10,000. Previous attempts to break the strong-point in the German line had cost French and British troops more than 150,000. Vimy is often seen as a defining moment in Canadian national history, and as Pierre Burton wrote in his book on the battle, it quickly attained mythic status. This seems like an appropriate post for Remembrance Day.

Photo by Andreas-Photography. Alltop and humor-blogs.com are in the trenches of comedy. Originally published November 2008.

The stinky choices available in New Egonia

You may also find some self-absorbed individuals at alltop. Originally published in November, 2008, when that picture of me was still very old.

Tundra Reports: Tim Horton's Honeys

By Dr. Maximilian Tundra

Does anyone else find it mildly disturbing to be addressed as "dear", "hon," or "darling" by someone who is at least 10 years younger than you?

I have noticed over the past year or so that Tim Horton's has been hiring more young servers, and they have strangely taken on some of the matronly language of the more traditional Tim Horton's Lady. (For those of you wondering if this has something to do with Dr. Seuss, miscommunication and my penchant for bad chemicals, Timmy's is Canadian institution and chain of coffee shops.)

This morning was particularly uncomfortable, as the young lady serving your peripatetic doctor of peyote, was also a hottie. Granted, Timmy's tries to disguise any attractiveness their staff may have with the brown, shapeless polyester atrocities they make them wear, but there was no pretending.

"Can I get you anything else, dear?" she asked me.

Thousands of inappropriate responses flashed in my mind, somewhat dulled as it was by the morning's peyote milkshake. (Hence the need for the high-octane caffeine that is the only redeeming quality of Tim Horton's coffee.)

"How about a beaver tail?" I said in a strangulated voice.

"We don't serve that, sir."

Phew, now "sir" was more comfortable territory.

Alltop also likes to wear brown shapeless clothing. Timmy's Christmas cup by jumphawk. Originally published November 2007.

Squirrelly

It is the Season of the Doom. The days darken. Temperatures drop. And the Black Rodents of London are out for blood. Or nuts, at the very least.

I remember reading once that the term "squirrelly" was coined during the pioneer days, and it was used to describe homesteaders who had been forced to live on a diet of squirrel. I believe the explanation was that squirrel meat is almost all protein so the complete lack of fat caused the rodent-munching pioneers' brains to misfire, causing them to say things like: "rasfram, gfrrnarlgm chagnm, ghum!" as though everyone could understand it. Though it may just have been the taste of tree rat drove them mad.

Another explanation would be to watch their behaviour during the month of November, right before the snow flies. Not that they aren't devilishly clever too: man's greatest enemy. [clip here if the embeddy thing doesn't work]

Click here to view the embedded video.

Alltop is also all protein. Thanks to No-Frills Marilyn for the LOLSQUIRREL. Originally published November, 2008.

And how would you like your Marcel Duchamp prepared sir?

Someday, thanks to science and human perversity, we will be able to eat people without suffering the pangs of guilt that we have contributed to someone's murder. Sure, we'll have all the frisson of the ultimate taboo to spice up our night out, but we will be able to do so without fear of prosecution, opprobrium, or recurring nightmares.

This is just one of the many things we have to look forward to with the invention of in-vitro meat. You know, beaker bacon, Frankenburger, tank steak, cloned cutlets — whatever fun name you can come up with to describe meat that has been artificially grown as opposed to that taken from a living animal.

Sure, most of the in-vitro meat will be in standard form — cow, pig, lamb, etc. — but there will definitely be a niche market out there for restaurants who want to serve something a little different. If you take away the moral component, why not try eating endangered species? Hell, what about human?

I imagine there will be restaurants that specialize in celebrities — some will offer up their DNA so they can be served (I imagine anyone on a reality-type TV show would encourage the additional "exposure"), while some will jealously protect their DNA, so that they cannot be served as dinner. (I'm looking at you Royal Family.) Some eateries will cater to the literary crowd, Atwood Kebab anyone? Some will look for even more exotic sources, such as the Ancient Pharaoh Café.

Incidentally, anyone looking for a new area of law practice may want to consider this grey legal area — is one's genetic makeup something that can be protected? I dunno, but I'd be willing to be there's money in the litigation.

But it's not just about creating new dining experiences, and opportunities for lawyers to make money. There are positive aspects too. I recommend you check out this H+ article about the eight ways in-vitro meat will change our lives.

And by the way, Duchamp is best served in a banana flambé, with nuts.

By all means, recommend your favourite celebrity meal, and its mode of preparation in the comments!

All alltop and humor-blogs.com ever ate was one foot! That doesn't make them a cannibal does it? Originally published November, 2009.