Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 134

Special Valentine's Day Cards

Even radioactive mutants need love. Happy VD!

Will you still love me when Seth releases me from the underworld? Cause I'll find you. Happy VD!

Last night I had the strangest dream … I was filling bottles … thousands of bottles … and when I awoke, all I could think of was you. Happy VD!

Alltop is also fond of mutants undead who also make you fill bottles. Originally published Feb., 2007.

Winter Olympics: Naked Fire Luge, Bottomless Ski Jumping, Explo-Curling

Naked Fire Luge

Though not as dangerous as skurlington, naked fire luge, is, in many ways, a much more exciting sport for the viewer. The luge run is ringed by fire on both sides, and there are massive pools of napalm behind each of the curves. The highly flammable gelatin is held safely behind the concrete shoulders, except for a thin celluloid membrane near the top of the berm. If an athlete takes the corner too high, the membrane rips, which in turn releases the napalm, which is ignited ...

Winter Olympics: Polar Biathlon

You'd think that a combination sport that included brutal cross-country skiing and the use of firearms would be really exciting. And you'd be wrong.

But we have the solution. It does, however, require the addition of polar bears.

In a regular biathlon, the athletes ski a certain distance, and then have to fire their rifle from either prone or standing positions. They carry small bore rifles, and fire at five separate targets. We've changed the skiing component to one flat-out race...

Polar Biathlon

You'd think that a combination sport that included brutal cross-country skiing and the use of firearms would be really exciting. And you'd be wrong.

But we have the solution. It does, however, require the addition of polar bears.

In a regular biathlon, the athletes ski a certain distance, and then have to fire their rifle from either prone or standing positions. They carry small bore rifles, and fire at five separate targets. We've changed the skiing component to one flat-out race...

Winter Olympics: Ultimate Couples Ice Dance

In our continuing efforts to suggest more exciting and exploitative Winter Olympic Sports, we want to tackle ice dance next.

Sure, there can be moments of pure artistic bliss in the current Ice Dance competition, but it has been marred with controversy in the past. At the Salt Lake games, the French judge was bribed (either with sex, or money, or both, we don't remember), and what is that Russian judge up to? No good, that's for sure.

Besides the method of judging (it is one of the few...

Ultimate Couples Ice Dance

In our continuing efforts to suggest more exciting, exploitative Winter Olympic Sports, we want to tackle ice dance next.

Sure, there can be moments of pure artistic bliss in the current Ice Dance competition, but it has been marred with controversy in the past. At the Salt Lake games, the French judge was bribed (either with sex, or money, or both, we don't remember), and what is that Russian judge up to? No good, that's for sure.

Besides the method of judging (it is one of the few sports t...

Really Exploitative Winter Olympic Sports

The Winter Olympics are about to begin in Vancouver this week, and to honor this occasion, we thought to would revisit some suggestions The Skwib has had for more exciting events in the spirit of the Games. (The spirit of the Games being the exploitation of hard-working athletes and their dreams.)

Yes, the Olympic motto, citius altius fortius — faster, higher, stronger — is still one that inspires and arouses the best in us. Still, some Winter Olympic sports are, well, let's face it, not...

Don't make me Zardoz you

Sometimes things get ugly.

An argument goes awry. Friends drift apart. Families break up because they don't share the same existential desires.

Sure, we all hope that eventually, human society will change for the better. Eventually, we'll have a civilized strata, and a rough, hirsute barbarian underclass. This is as it should be. But god forbid the civilized group loses its mind and does things that are bad for all humanity!

This is what it is to be Zardozed.

(As we all are.)

Alltop is...

Survival Tips for Tiny and Polite Humans

If you happen to live on one of the many planets inhabited by CEOs, you may find yourself wondering: "how do I not get eaten?"

You may also wonder if there is sunblock powerful enough to prevent dermal incineration when lanced by particle beams. (There isn't.)

However, have you considered living underground? All you need is a pipe for air, a small amount of water, and vitamin supplements to augment your diet of worms and other burrowing creatures.

Of course, you will also need enough time to...

Mindmapping Explained

Mindmapping, originally uploaded by lunchbreath.

Heh, I think I may get my students to have a look at this. I totally agree with the designer that use of the word "random" is normally to be avoided, but this is truthy.

Alltop lives and dies by the whitboard.