Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 136

The Annals of Flossing

Our journey begins, oddly enough, in the port town of Blugfjorn, home of the famous Norwegian poet and maker of Norse berry desserts, Pipti Borginson.

While sailing to Iceland, Pipti discovered that his Rodgrot med flote, while delicious, was playing hell on the soft bleeding gums of the sailors on his ship, Freya's Berries.

It was lucky for all of them that Leslie Hoebeast, was working passage on the ship. In addition to great legs, and legendary technique, Hoebeast was an avid flossier.

She a...

Bowling

The way Dolores set up the pins was nothing short of hypnotic.

In particular, Barry admired the way she would grab the pin so firmly, just where the bulbous end tapered into a tubular shape. And then, how she so slowly slid her hand up the shaft, while the whole time shifting the pin to the perpendicular, until she let it wobble on its fat end, her delicate fingers just barely touching the slight swelling at the end of the pin.

Yep, Barry liked that. It made him want to sing.

Then he saw what ...

At the Grocer's

"Hello Mrs. Biffy."

"Hello Mr. Dingus-trap, how is business?"

"Very well thank you. The usual?"

"Thank you Mr. Dingus-trap. Except, today Larry is looking for something new."

"Such as?"

"A player piano?"

"Oh, you're in luck Mrs. Biffy, we just had one shipped in yesterday."

"Yes, I see it's beautiful. But will it fit in my ear?"

"Oh, I don't see why not, Mrs. Biffy. It is a standard-sized player piano, after all, not the whopping great size I usually order in."

"Excellent, then we'll take that...

All At Sea

As far as Jerry was concerned, this was the worst cruise ship he'd ever been on.

First of all, you had to catch your own giant squid.

Secondly, they were out of Corona.

And that Miss Julie, the cruise director? Well, he would swear that she was farting into his air hose.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com fart humor into the web hose! Originally published November, 2006.

First draft of Harold Pinter's acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize in Literature

Stockholm. Evening. Harold Pinter is introduced to the Swedish Academy. He enters from stage left. He wears a loose-fitting tuxedo.

PINTER: Your Majesty. Members of the Academy. Ladies and Gentlemen.

(beat)

PINTER: Thank you for this honour.

(pause)



Pinter removes a pistol from his tuxedo jacket and places it on the podium.

PINTER: When I began writing, I had no such aspirations, but I can see the logic of your choice. And yet . . . it seems as though this took too long for you to realize...

Been Champ Beaned Champ

Jimmy "The Toes" Totesku had great form, quick feet and a legendary left hook.

In his class, he was 12-0, with one TKO. (Bobby "Thunderpants" Riggs had turned out to be a tougher fight than Jimmy had anticipated.)

Nobody really knew why Jimmy thought he could fight the Heavyweight Champion of the World, Ike "The Cannibal" Tymson, but the promoters had thought it was a dream match-up, and the bout was carried world-wide on Pay-Per-View.

Jimmy trained hard, asked his parents to buy him a new...

Regarding Avatar and sexy banana slugs

Yeah, what Peter said...

Though I should emphasize that I don't have any post-secondary training in biology and it really bugged me that all the Pandora critters seemed to have six limbs, and the Na'vi only had four, while everything else seemed pretty well thought out. (Though it did seem there were way more predator species than there should be, but let's face it, the predators are more fun for the story.)

The cat chick was smokin' though, and I'm not sure if it would have been as...

Flying Nun: Mark I

The year is 1917 and the Imperial German Army Air Service has created a new terror weapon — flying nuns.

Sister Helga von Toungvip is picture here, shortly before the flight in which she caused the Canadian ace Donald MacLaren to ditch his Sopwith Camel out of guilt and self-loathing.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com has Sister von Toungvip for math. Originally published March 2007.
More of Toulouse Le Grandfig's work can be found in the Toulouse Le Grandfig category.

It's good to be king!

In his day, King Vaclav was quite the charmer.

Then he started draping himself in velvet, swilling large quantities of Becherovka, and mincing around, reading aloud from Ulysses in (what he thought was) a French accent.

Later, he took up needlepoint and amateur proctology — a dangerous combination after several bottles of liqueur (and two chapters of Joyce).

Not to mention all that mincing.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com think Becher tastes like Christmas cake. Originally published February 2007.Mor...

Tease

Dolores was stubborn.

She'd been there for hours and hours, just holding out on the poor creature. She could sit there for days. Hell, it didn't matter how long they waited … days, weeks.

She was not going to buck for that horny bitch. No matter how good that carrot might taste.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com think tortoise-riding is hot. Originally published February 2007.
More of Toulouse Le Grandfig's work can be found in the Toulouse Le Grandfig category.