Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 122

Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#41)

From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations

And truly, there will come a time when the faithful women-folk of a distant land will no longer run through the Forests of the City without protection, for the men-folk will not Exercise with them and protect them with their bulk.

And lo! A Prophet shall say, "I shall protect you, though your men-folk do not!"

And the Prophet will construct devices of cunning, colored "fashion" pink, and "red-hot" red. And some devices will be covered with the Skin of ...

10 chick flick clichés

Okay, so it's a promotional video, but kinda fun. Just try to ignore the cliché Justin Long uses at the beginning of the video to discuss overused tropes in les flick des chicks.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Try YouTube if the embeddy thing can't come up with something original.

p.s. It would have been much funnier if at the end, after Connolly says "thanks for watching" Bradley Cooper asked, "did any of that seem a little gay to you?"

Alltop doesn't think there's anything wrong with ...

Forty-seven signs of the Apocalypse (#42)

From the Book of Renovations:

And in End Times there shall be many False Prophets, and they shall be Legion, and they shall learn of a magical land called Internet.

One of these False Prophets will provide the people with Devices that allow them unfettered access to the land called Internet.

And others will not be pleased by the shape of these Doodads, and devise all methods of making them more P...

Paranoia in Perspective: The Vicious Circulation of Dr. Catastrope

After reading The Vicious Circulation of Dr. Catastrope: A Polemical Ensemble, I felt very much like washing my brain.

Not that my cerebellum was polluted by the book, but more that it was now stuffed with vivid language and portmanteaulogy hitherto unfamiliar to the grey, spongy organ. Also, it was itchy. I think I've caught mental crabs from its infected prose.

I suspect this is Faucher's intention, in writing what is meant to a cathartic, carcinogenic polemic, or perhaps a parody of the...

Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#43)

From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations

And lo, there will be a place in the world where the mothers and daughters of Men Wearing Orange shall be tempted by Weapons.

And a time will come that they shall no longer resist the Call of the Weapons, for they shall be Pink. And Adorable. And Too Cute To Be Believed.

And the daughters and mothers of the Men Wearing Orange shall purchase of the weapons and they shall Revel in the Bolt-Action Fury and they shall go unto the forest and hunt of the...

Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#44)

From the Book of Mustelids

And before the World is scourged by the Mother of Harlots, there will be a time when a swampy town south of Babylon will be ravaged by giant, man-eating weasels.

These Honeyed Badgers of Great Size and Swiftness shall have the strength of the bear, the nose of a monkey and the cunning of a politician. They shall be fearless, and they shall be released upon the people of Swampy Town by invaders from a tiny island populated by savages with bad teeth.

And lo! Many of...

Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#45)

From the Book of Libations

And in this time, there will be a shadowy group who terrorize a distant land filled with fragrant cheeses and even more fragrant people. And they shall be Craven, these men of evil intent, and they shall wear masks made of sheep's cloth, though they own no ungulates.

Verily, they will be misguided followers of the Prophet Noah, and will grow grapes, and turn their juice into wine, and bottle it, and then market it at modest profit. And when middle men and usurious s...

Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#46)

From the Book of Libations

And so it will be that in the Land of Nippon, where everything is tiny and strange, a Generation of Great Wickedness will come of age. The malefic children will have purchasing power, tablets of credit and sheaves of gold that they wave in the air and so, control the actions of others through the Harlot Commerce.

Verily, these Foul Progeny of the People of Nippon will have Strange Ideas. They shall worship the False God Mayo Knais; raw fish will become unclean with ...

Forty-seven signs of the Apocalypse (#47)

From the Book of Renovations:

And lo, there will come a time of Great Home Improvement and truly, it will be a time of Wailing and Unhappiness.

To the Church will come a False Prophet, and his name shall be Allen, or Tim, and he shall encourage the use of over-powered tools for all manner of misguided Weekend Projects.

And then the people will Suffer a great many Traumas. Those who would be Carpenters shall hurt themselves in great number with nails and spikes and all manner of metal, and...

Bob, descendant of Queen Victoria, was never a joiner

He had to admit the outfit was pretty spectacular, and the fringe benefits of membership were pretty good too — not only would it forestall your evisceration via tongs and razor-fingers, but you also got to run the world.

The Fraternity of the Cone had been in charge since the Counter-Reformation, but they'd kept their nifty hats mostly on the down-low, only wearing them on extended "hunts" and during their annual Ribfest. Bob had been tracked by the "recruitment committee" for several...