Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 115

At least it's not field hockey

Jenna hated physical education. All the girls stared at her in the change-room (she was one of the firs to develop), and her hand-eye coordination was rotten.

Reaping class, on the other hand, was her favorite.

She especially liked the cries of existential anguish as she tore souls from bodies.

Alltop is fond of trimming the verge. Photo via Twisted Vintage.

Ask General Kang: How can I get more respect?

It depends on how much respect you're looking for, really. I mean, if you just want your friends, family and neighbours to respect you then it should be pretty easy.

From what I can see, your smaller primate groupings here on Earth tend to respect strength of character, kindness and consideration of others. So for starters, stop acting like a pretentious wanker, insufferable know-it-all, or complete douchebag. (People usually lose respect for individuals for one of those reasons.)

But if...

Pirate Therapy

Laurence arrived a few minutes late for his regular Thursday morning session, but his therapist usually ran late, so he wasn't worried.

From behind the door of his therapist's office, he heard a blood-curdling scream, and then a thump. A door opened somewhere, and Laurence heard a strange sound, almost as though something heavy was being dragged. He heard grunts, scraping, and the rhythmical percussion of something booming on the floor. Laurence looked around, and realized the secretary was ...

Vintage Ads of Fictional Futures, so far so good

If you haven't had a chance to check out the gallery of entries yet, you really should. There is some great stuff there.

Here's just a taste:





Title: Yes We Can

Based on: The Wizard of Oz

Title: Suk Doctors

Based on: Dune (The Suk Doctors – wiki)

Title: Eloi – The Other White Meat

Based on: The Time Machine

Details on how to enter are at the bottom of the gallery page or below, on The Skwib. You have until October 4th, so there's still lots of time!

Alltop loves a good Eloi roast.

Beat this video, man

Love this! I defy you not to smile as you're watching it. Happy Friday!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Fat Cat Sat Hat on YouTube.

Via Retrogasm.

Alltop has trouble keeping its shit together too.

Cheese Pyrates! Revenge of the Crimson Parrots

It were 2011, and a year had passed since the Le Fromage de Satan had sunk our frigate with an exploding cheese, killing all hands except for meself, Jim Quinn, and the chef's assistant, Paul Le Whisk.

Arrr!

Le Whisk gave up yer life at sea after his near brush with the Belugas. And I? Well, after the disaster that befell the HMCS Shag Harbour, it were clear to me His Majesty's fleet was not going to capture the worst of Canada's curdaneers, Captain Jacques LaBung. It would be up to me to...

Lecturing, shiny paper style

Alltop had Professor Wikipedia for — hey, look, nuggets!

Cheese Pyrates!

The year were 2011 and I joined the Navy for one reason alone — to get me vengeance on Le Fromage de Satan, and her scurvy master, Captain Jacques LaBung.

LaBung and his crew of plugged-up sea-dogs were known all along the Gold Coast — the north shore of the St. Lawrence. The bilge rats were infamous for their cruelty, their addiction to Quebec water-aged cheddar, and their malignant bowel obstructions.

Me own father had been a boson on Le Fromage de Satan; killed by LaBung for some minor...

The Disney Gang

They called themselves the Disney Gang, despite the fact that two-fifths of their members were clearly aficionados of the Popeye milieu.

In fact, Chester "Popeye" Doyle was their leader; he did a crack impression of the pugnacious cartoon sailor, and liked to bludgeon enemies with a pillow case filled with cans of spinach. Barry "The Duck" Trepanning did an excellent impression too, though this made him completely incomprehensible during the high stress moments of their many bank jobs and s...

Ask General Kang: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. How do I know for sure?

I don't want to seem insensitive, but if you think he is, then he probably is. Human females seem to have a pretty good nose for these things.

However, let's assume for a moment that you're out of touch with your intuition, to the extent that you have to consult a simian overlord from another galaxy on whether he's cheating or not.

One way you can be sure is to introduce him to the Trofmaldian Eye Slug. It really should be called a brain slug, because that's where it does all its best work. ...