Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 113

Introducing the Venkman Brothers

Herbetron and Merculia Venkman came from a proud line of Norwegian clowns, and were determined to climb to dizzying heights in America. They gazed at the ocean, their white chins pointed up with pride, their red noses threatening to fly off in the stiff Atlantic breeze.

It had been a long road to recovery for the Venkmans. As children, their village of Pranking had been devastated by the baffling appearance of exploding Sperm Whales. The survivors had all been clowns, circus freaks, and a few roadies, so they were able to take the jokes. Herbetron, in particular, had a vision. He could see a time when the world would laugh with them, not at them. Well, okay, the world would still be laughing at them, they were clowns after all, but it would be intentional. They would be laughs of dignity.

Then a piano fell on them.

Alltop once had an accordion land on its foot. Awesome clown photo via Twisted Vintage.

Four more potentially uncontroversial reasons why Marvellous Hairy is an essential Canadian novel

We are into the last week of the open nomination process for the next Canada Reads. As another incentive to help you nominate Marvellous Hairy, I have come up with a further four reasons why the novel is an "essential" Canadian novel. (For those of you who are counting, that comes to 13, one reason for each province and territory.) There are actual prizes for helping to achieve this feat of literary democracy.

Four more reasons why Marvellous Hairy should be on the Canada Reads longlist:

every time a Canadian reads Marvellous Hairy, they have an uncontrollable urge to do one of three things:

drink a beer
eat some poutine
have sex in the snow.


on rare occasions Canadians are compelled to do all three, though not necessarily in that order.

check out the Wikipedia entry under Traits of Canadian Literature; of the eleven traits, Marvellous Hairy has eight:

failure as a theme (uncomfortable, but true)
humour (naturally)
nature (humourously)
satire and irony (I think both are just great)
self-deprecation (gosh, really, you thinks so?)
self-evaluation by the reader (I'm thinking better about myself because of this list)
search for self-identity (uncomfortable in some situations)
the underdog hero (best cartoon ever).

Now, this is not mentioned by Wikipedia, but a strong Canadian trait in literature that is featured in Marvellous Hairy:

stories about people being turned into monkeys.


like Canadian identity itself, Marvellous Hairy resists an easy definition: is it satire? Gonzo speculative fiction? Humorous fabulism? We're not sure. And nobody has any ideas about the novel either.

Now, high thee to the Canada Reads website, and nominate Marvellous Hairy for the long list. Be eloquent, but don't forget to release your inner monkey.

Prizes:

I was not kidding. Every nomination gets $2 off your very own copy of Marvellous Hairy, or if you've already read it, I'll send you a crudely drawn picture of your favourite Canadian celebrity as a regressed monkey-like version of themselves. You will note, I said crudely drawn. You should be warned that I have no talent at drawing (and poor penmanship to boot), so my rendering will not make nearly as much sense as the one below. That said, you are welcome to this offering. I will, of course, sign it. Just email me or send me a note via Twitter, or my Facebook page.

Obviously, any actual Canadian celebrity who would like to see a crudely drawn rendering of them as a regressed monkey-like creature, need only send me their address, phone number, and blood type, and I will send it immediately.

Here's something to give you a sense of how good this artwork will not be:

You can find the Wiki entry on Traits in Canadian literature here. Devolving tool here.

The original nine reasons why Marvellous Hairy is an essential Canadian novel are listed here.

Alltop is confused what this whole "literature" thing is about, but is excited about the monkeys.

Enfant terrible

His taste was always on the outside edge of respectable, and sometimes, Albergo Spastic went too far.

But you could not deny his impact on the world of fashion. Who could forget the chain-gun pants fad of 1977, or his revolutionary use of irradiated bustiers after that unfortunate incident in Chernobyl?

But this time he had really stretched everyone's imagination. His entire line was modeled by Lithuanian children wearing platinum skull coverings and gas masks.

Still, even the most avant gard of critics had to ask, "plaid with stripes?"

Alltop doesn't see the problem here. Great pic via Twisted Vintage

Cindy and The Ravens

When the talking ravens had appeared, introducing themselves as Hugin and Munin, naturally everyone had been astonished. They could speak English, several Scandinavian languages, and a tongue not heard in a thousand years, though a few scholars recognized it as Old Norse.

And it was kind of cute that the awkward and strange little girl, Cindy Doin, liked to feed them in the graveyard. They would have long conversations together, chatting about all sorts of nonsense … how she should tie her bow? How to keep her socks from falling down? How soon it would be until the giants appeared so they could get Ragnarok started.

When Cindy started carrying around a javelin, the townsfolk were worried, but she still seemed harmless, so they let her be. Even when she started riding around on the eight-legged horse, people were willing to accept her eccentricities. But the two giant wolves? Outrageous.

Not to mention the statuesque blonds flitting around with spears, broadswords, and shields, wearing nothing but tight-fitting gossamer robes.

Actually, it was just some of the women that objected to that.

Alltop is more poetic than Bragi, which is too bad because it's a humor site.

The dizzying heights of political debate

Yep.

Canada's failure to win a seat at the UN Security Council is a fine example. When it became apparent that we were going to be HORRIBLE embarrassed in this enterprise, Canada withdrew. Conservatives quickly blamed our failure on Michael Ignatieff's bone-headed criticism of them earlier this week.

Had nothing to do with our foreign policy of the past four years, nor with our ham-fisted lobbying efforts. Of course, I'm sure Iggy WISHES he had that kind of power and influence.

I gave my baby for Alltop to kiss, and it bit him on the head!

The Safety Word Is "Kaisershaft"

Mistress Plenty O'Taunt was the four-time winner of Dominatrix of the Year, given at the annual "Dommie" ceremony held the day after the Nobel Prizes. (Though only Sven Spankenborg sat on both the Nobel and Dommie committees.)

Though known primarily for her role-playing prowess, O'Taunt had some notoriety for her risqué, and let's face it, hazardous costume design. In fact, she would have been a lock for five Dommies in a row if she had not inadvertently stabbed Jeremy Pencilpin, Member of Parliament for Pumping-on-Tyne, to death with her Pickelhaube-inspired bustier and codpiece (not pictured for legal reasons).

She was forced to retire (after a short stint in prison for inadvertent, but hilarious, manslaughter). Later, she found some success in Hollywood, designing costumes and scarifying megalomaniacal DPs.

Her most famous work can be seen in Return of the Jedi.

Alltop always forgets the safety word. Awesome photo via Twisted Vintage. More on the pickelhaube at Wikipedia.

Nine Reasons Why Marvellous Hairy Is An Essential Canadian Novel

As you may know, the fine folk at CBC have foolishly opened the doors to an avalanche of self-promotion by allowing people to nominate their own choice of book for the competition. On the Canada Reads website, they state that this year, Canada Reads is looking for the essential Canadian novels of the decade.

It would be wonderful if you, dear reader, could help get Marvellous Hairy on the long list ('cause we need to be realistic about this, and that in itself would be a coup). So that you can feel confident in helping achieve this, here are the reasons why Marvellous Hairy is an essential Canadian novel:

after finishing Marvellous Hairy, most readers find it impossible not to end each sentence with the phrase, "beauty, eh?" (This includes non-Canadian readers, and they are warned of this issue in the Preface, Disclaimers and Warning of Side Effects which precedes chapter one.)
what is more Canadian than hockey? A sense of humour. As the Midwest Book Review recently stated, MH "is a top pick for any humorous fiction collection, highly recommended."
(looking for approval from our American friends is also a very Canadian attribute.)
published by Canadian indie presses, written by a Canadian indie writer (and silly hat wearer) and cover design by the only Canadian fictional character to lose his medical license for peyote-milkshake drinking.
the first edition was printed on snow.
the second edition is "hand" crafted by a cadre of literate beavers.
each copy sold contributes to Canada's GDP.
Canadians who read the novel are guaranteed to develop prodigious mental powers, such as telepathy, telekinesis, and the ability to form orderly queues.
in the novel a surrealistic novelist is turned into a monkey by an unscrupulous biotech giant, and saved by a group of friends fascinated with Freudian mythology. This classic Canadian tale was first popularized by Gordon Lightfoot in his epic song, Canadian Railroad Trilogy.

Now, please go to the CBC website and fill out the recommendation form. It is your patriotic duty. Or, if you're not Canadian, I promise to send you the instructions on how to stop saying, "beauty, eh?"

More about Marvellous Hairy here, including links to reviews, the podcast, and an excerpt.

Ancient Egyptian Pepperpot Ladies

[Mrs. Beset is washing her cat in the Nile, when Mrs. Knouphis enters, carrying a papyrus-reed basket, filled with jars of human organs.]

Mrs. Knouphis: "'Allo Mrs. Beset."

Mrs. Beset: "'Allo Mrs. Knouphis."

K: "'Av you 'eard about that Mrs. Thoth?"

B: "No Mrs. Knouphis." [She whacks the cat on the rock and it meows plaintively .]

K: "She's quite a hag. Beggaring 'er 'usband she is. She won't eat nothin' but lotus salad." [K. kneels down by the river and starts unpacking the organs, which she cleans in the water.]

B: "That bitch! What's 'he 'usband doin' about it?"

K: "Well, 'es got to make some money, don't 'e? The poor man's been spending lots of evenings over at that fat priest's house."

B: "Oooo, not Father Reshep, the one covered in date oil at the sex temple?"

K: "The very same."

B: "Ooo, poor Mr. Thoth."

K: "Yes, beggaring him — buggering her husband she is."

B: "Hmm. I don't care for that kind of talk Mrs. K. It's very unappealing."

K: "Well intercourse your sense of what's appealing Mrs. B you old fart! I'm just tellin' you the news."

[They both cackle.]

K: Well I have to go, the Priests at the Valley don't have forever to get these packed in myrrh.

[They both cackle again, and Mrs. K. departs. Mrs. B. returns to scrubbing mewling cat.]

With apologies to Monty Python's original pepperpot ladies:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Alltop loves a bit of penguin. Originally published in 2005.

An awesome mind map of Online Communities by xkcd

This is great work, and even if much of it is guesswork, some of it is amusing stuff. (For example, the online gaming world is set in the Dopamine Sea.)

Alltop is on the archipelago of funny.

Vote! Vintage Ads of Fictional Futures

I managed to get the gallery down to a shortlist of six. You can vote below, or visit the gallery to see all the entries. (Highly recommended — there is some incredibly creative and wonderful work there.)

Feel free to tell me what an idiot I am for my choice of six in the comments!

Voting is open until October 11th.

Alltop forgot to enter.