Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 112

Mercury Falls re-release

[image error]In case you missed it first time around, which would be a shame, you should check out my blog-buddy Rob Kroese's Mercury Falls. Amazon.com is re-releasing it through its Books About Angels and Linoleum program.

It's a fun and crazy story about bureaucratic wrangling amongst angels and demons over how the apocalypse will actually proceed. Or IF it will; the human protagonist and the angel Mercury are against against the end of the world, the former because she lives there, and the latter because he's still not very good at ping pong.

The first time out, Rob and I interviewed one another (as the Mercury Falls release fell about the same time of the release of Marvellous Hairy) about the writing process, novels and monkey-angel parity.

You can find the first part of the conversation at his blog, Matress Police, and the second half here, on The Skwib.

Mercury Falls is available on Kindle now, and you can pre-order the re-release here.

Classics of Literature — Titles Starting With Definite Articles (#1)

The Odyssey

The Odyssey is a story about a homicidal maniac (Odysseus) who refuses to ask for directions. This tragic flaw, shared by many men, leads his crew to disaster. Some are eaten by monsters, some are eaten by their crew-mates, and some finally get fed up with this cruise from hell (literally at one point), and take a flight back to Greece on their own.

Finally, Odysseus returns home, and is shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that after a 20-year absence, his wife is entertaining the possibility of remarrying.

The Hobbit, or There and Back Again

This is another tale of vacations gone awry. Bilbo Baggins is a wealthy hobbit who hires Gandalf Travel to take him on a grand tour of Middle Earth.

But Gandalf plays a little bait-and-switch on Bilbo, and our hero soon discovers that it will not be Gandalf leading the tour, but a cadre of fat, venal and mentally challenged Dwarves. Even worse, he is expected to do most of the work himself. Though he finds the experience trying, Bilbo discovers hidden reserves of talent, bravery and pluck.

Everything goes well until Bilbo inadvertently starts a race war.

The Stranger

I read this originally in French class, sometime during my storied high school career. Most of this famous existential work was read aloud in class, by a collection of students with a wide variety of accents and grasp of the French language. If I remember correctly, Lorne's delivery was hilarious, but that might have been because he was pretending he was Soupy the Clown.

Despite the fact that I was doing poorly in this class, I was secretly in love with my French teacher. (A fact I only now reveal for comic effect, but back then I would have been mortified if the world had known.)

The novel is about the farcical nature of French justice, and the benefits of not washing.

Alltop thinks washing is pointless too.

How to manipulate writers

Alltop wonders what you say to bloggers. (Nobody has the heart to explain they're not real writers.)

Winner of the Canada Reads t-shirt pimping prize

As an incentive to get people to nominate Marvellous Hairy for Canada Reads this year, I promised to hold a draw for a t-shirt from all the people who helped out.

I strongly suspect that people nominated the novel because either they liked it, or they like me, or they think that I will, at some future date, help them in a similar manner. (I will.) However, I'm still giving away the t-shirt. And it's going to Ian Ferguson.

Ian, as it turns out, is somewhat a known quantity on the Canadian literary/theatrical scene. At this point, I should state that the draw for the extremely excellent t-shirt (shown above) was entirely random. That said, I hope to see stories about people playing monkey-pirate-robot-ninja-zombie in Victoria very soon. (This game is known amongst the hip kids as "mopironinzee".)

So congrats to Ian, and for the rest of you who helped out — you know who you are — the offer of a coupon for $2 off Marvellous Hairy or a crudely drawn picture of a Canadian celebrity as a monkey stands. Just let me know your preference via Twitter, email or Facebook.

Canada Reads announces its long list tomorrow.

Ukrainian bathtub fireworks

I feel the title of this post speaks for itself. Found here, in case the embeddy thing no worky.

This happens every night at the Alltop household. Via Today's Big Thing.

The Halloween Feast of Madness Bird

Say what you will about Marge and Delia, but they served a mean turkey dinner.

Sure they might have been witches. Sure, they tended to use a little too much salt when they were cooking. (Probably from all the dehydrated eye of newt, which is very high in sodium, but they could never seem to find it fresh.) Sure, they had a questionable living arrangement, vis-à-vis men with pirate shirts and pumpkins for heads. (Who may or may not have been called Angus McGourd.)

Put their peyote stuffing (with pine nuts and dried) cranberries was delectable.

Alltop likes a little LSD in it's mashed potatoes. Disturbing photo via Twisted Vintage.

Ask General Kang: How should I pick an eyebrow shape?

Generally speaking, there is an eyebrow shape that works with every type of face. If you are an über-chimp with a large cranial ridge, for example, then a properly shaped eyebrow can make or break your face. (I'm speaking metaphorically, of course. Everyone knows that über-chimps have especially thick carapace-like skulls, and a prominent cranial ridge makes that their faces virtually unbreakable.)

You'll probably want to go with a sharp edged brow that accentuates your beautiful and sexy bone head.

If you are some kind lesser monkey, and don't have delightfully heavy skull topography, you'll need to do something to attract those other simple simians. I suggest a nice arched eyebrow, preferably drawn in with some kind of thick and sticky black wax. (This will work even if you're one of those freakish white apes we've been hearing about all season.)

Keep a close eye that no stray hairs ruin the lovely effect you're going for with your eyebrows. I would recommend obsessive tweaking and pulling of hairs (it's best if you can rip the follicle root right out at the same time, but sometimes a simple trim will have to do.) Tweezers are effective, as is fire. Avoid wax at all costs! It will rip out all your facial hair, not just the long greasy eyebrow hairs you are trying to shape.

If you have recently evolved and don't have the manual dexterity to apply fire or steel, I recommend visiting an accredited beautician. (All of them on my home planet of Neecknaw used state-of-the art plasma torches for their brow work.)

What if I'm a human?

Oh, then you're so hideous I can hardly see the point. Still, there might be some principles in there to try:

work with your face shape
apply lots of thick waxy black paint
and don't forget the plasma torching!

Next time: What should I do if I'm trapped in a hyperbolic chamber with a trumpet player?
Alltop thinks you have lovely eyelashes.

Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#33)

From the Book of Libations

Truly, there shall be Signs of the Apocalypse. And one of the many signs could maketh the strongest man throw upeth of his dinner, in his mouth just a little bit.

And in the Land of the Twit, there shall be an alchemist of Great Vision, and his Vision shall be one of pure and delicious Evil. Lo, for truly, only in the Land of the Twit would they make strong spirits out of the urine of their elders.

Verily, they shall taketh of the urine, expelled by the elderly who cannot digest of the sugar. And this sweet, sweet waste shall become a Whiskey of Abomination.

And there shall be drinking of this pisskey, and weeping, and the Passing of the Quaich of Shame.

Alltop doesn't see anything wrong with this. Newsy proof via Wired: Whisky made from diabetics' urine. Photo by James Gilpin. More about the project here..

There's still time to nominate Marvellous Hairy as an essential Canadian novel

We are into the last week of the open nomination process for the next Canada Reads. As another incentive to help you nominate Marvellous Hairy, I have come up with a further four reasons why the novel is an "essential" Canadian novel. (For those of you who are counting, that comes to 13, one reason for each province and territory.) There are actual prizes for helping to achieve this feat of literary democracy.

Four more reasons why Marvellous Hairy should be on the Canada Reads longlist:

every time a Canadian reads Marvellous Hairy, they have an uncontrollable urge to do one of three things:

drink a beer
eat some poutine
have sex in the snow.


on rare occasions Canadians are compelled to do all three, though not necessarily in that order.

check out the Wikipedia entry under Traits of Canadian Literature; of the eleven traits, Marvellous Hairy has eight:

failure as a theme (uncomfortable, but true)
humour (naturally)
nature (humourously)
satire and irony (I think both are just great)
self-deprecation (gosh, really, you thinks so?)
self-evaluation by the reader (I'm thinking better about myself because of this list)
search for self-identity (uncomfortable in some situations)
the underdog hero (best cartoon ever).

Now, this is not mentioned by Wikipedia, but a strong Canadian trait in literature that is featured in Marvellous Hairy:

stories about people being turned into monkeys.


like Canadian identity itself, Marvellous Hairy resists an easy definition: is it satire? Gonzo speculative fiction? Humorous fabulism? We're not sure. And nobody has any ideas about the novel either.

Now, high thee to the Canada Reads website, and nominate Marvellous Hairy for the long list. Be eloquent, but don't forget to release your inner monkey.

Prizes:

I was not kidding. Every nomination gets $2 off your very own copy of Marvellous Hairy, or if you've already read it, I'll send you a crudely drawn picture of your favourite Canadian celebrity as a regressed monkey-like version of themselves. You will note, I said crudely drawn. You should be warned that I have no talent at drawing (and poor penmanship to boot), so my rendering will not make nearly as much sense as the one below. That said, you are welcome to this offering. I will, of course, sign it. Just email me or send me a note via Twitter, or my Facebook page. (Also, everyone who helps gets entered in a draw for a disturbing t-shirt.)

Obviously, any actual Canadian celebrity who would like to see a crudely drawn rendering of them as a regressed monkey-like creature, need only send me their address, phone number, and blood type, and I will send it immediately.

Here's something to give you a sense of how good this artwork will not be:

You can find the Wiki entry on Traits in Canadian literature here. Devolving tool here.

The original nine reasons why Marvellous Hairy is an essential Canadian novel are listed here.

Alltop is confused what this whole "literature" thing is about, but is excited about the monkeys.

Poll: Is KFC's new "Double Down" one of the 47 Signs of the Apocalypse?

I dunno, I don't want to bias the poll, but I was surprised not to see flames coming off this thing. More of the 47 Signs of the Apocalypse here.

Alltop is now living on these things. Photo by Mike Saechang.