Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 110

Truculent Guitar Blastocyte

Sister Mary Xtron the Destroyer and her accompanist, Sister Mary Catherine Crudlik-Pamby (of the Space Ship BingePowder) will be in the Trans-Vatican this week for a limited engagement, entertaining His Hyper-Holiness, The Trans-Dimensional RoboPope, Lexnor Innocent III, and his Death Cardinals of Extreme Planetary Retribution.

They will be playing a selection of Sonic Penance Dirges from their latest Excruciation Album, in addition to some of their greatest hits such as "Sunday Universal Rosary Headcrushings Coming Down" and "Me and Bleemfrat McGee."

After the concert, cake and laser scourgings will be served!

Alltop likes a good laser scourging. Originally published in 2007.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future.

Little Cindi Cyborg

The best part about the Little Cindi Cyborg doll was that it was a great way to teach kids responsibility.

Not only was each Little Cindi Cyborg semi-sentient, she was outfitted with a hyper-plasma retainer and an ocular implant that allowed her to see into the infrared and ultraviolet spectra — this was especially helpful when playing "hide-and-seek" or hiding from the gigantic and ravenous CEOs that roam most planets of the Liquid Fermentation Galaxy.

On the down side, if your kids don't feed her enough nutrient compound, then the Little Cindi Cyborg doll will become sluggish and whiny — right before she explodes in a hail of platinum implants and gobbets of Clonerrific(TM) flesh.

But once the lesson has been learned, the children might be ready for a puppy.

Alltop can't keep a goldfish alive. Originally published in 2007.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | Genius photo by Bistrosavage

Classics of Literature: The Fellowship of the Ring

Not to be confused with the movie, the book version of The Fellowship of the Ring includes several scenes with the mysterious, and quite possibly brain damaged, Tom Bombadil.

On the positive side, Tom saves the hapless hobbits twice: first from Old Man Willow, an ancient and malevolent tree that lives on a toxic mix of Highballs and lost Halflings; and then, from a number of barrow-wights, evil soul-sucking undead creatures, not to be confused with Barry Wights, who are excellent, soulful (and unfortunately regular dead) singers of sexy songs.

Speaking of song, Tom spends much of his time in a whimsical and poetic dreamscape of his own construction, singing as he passes blithely through the Old Wood. Tolkien tells us that he dresses in yellow boots and a blue jacket, leaving one to wonder if the author just forgot to mention if Tom was wearing pants, or if he is simply glossing over the lack of pants. I suspect that latter, because he does tell us that Tom has a long brown beard, bright blue eyes, and an extremely red face.

Red face? Is Tolkien suggesting Tom is an alcoholic? It's hard to say. He acts kind of inebriated, given his propensity to speak in the bizarre poetry of a metre that is at best unconventional, and at worst, deranged. He also likes to talk about himself in the third person. This does not seem to annoy his wife, Goldberry. (Who may or may not be the spirit of the river Withywindle, but who is definitely some kind of saint for putting up with this narcissistic and enigmatic half-wit.)

Bombadil is totally unaffected by the Ring, and he demonstrates this by doing a little sleight-of-hand, taking the ring from Frodo, and making it disappear in the air. (I suspect he palms it, but again, Tolkien does not tell us directly.) The One Ring doesn't make him invisible, and he doesn't seem to be influenced by Sauron through it.

So why don't they just keep the ring hidden with Tom? It would have saved Frodo a painful stab-wound, massive existential angst, and having to endure Sam's repeated attempts at innuendo, by suggesting that he could really go for a nice bit of "cony stew."

Apart from the fact, that, hey, no trilogy, Gandalf suggests that because Tom is unaffected by the ring, he would probably not consider it important enough to protect. That's a nice way of saying he's a flighty (possibly pantsless) wanker.

Alltop is the best pantsless humor aggregator on the web.

Time Travel Sucks

If you asked him, Bertie could never really tell you what he disliked most about time travel.

Obviously, having to arrive in each new era stark naked was not the most pleasant experience. It usually meant having at least a few embarrassing moments (though it could occasionally have its upsides, such as the time he dimensionally slipped into that alternate reality where women had the same psychosexual visual response to nudity the way that men did in his reality . . .)

He was bothered that he could not change anything. He'd taken Causality 101 in college, and was fully conversant with the Heisenberg-Lurie equations relating to the Novikov self-consistency principle. He'd even tested this idea by trying to kill Hitler. (Every first-year time traveler tries to kill Hitler at least a couple of times.) Yes, not being able to alter history bothered him.

Then there was the HOSE. He hated the HOSE.

Alltop considers itself a hoser. Thanks to Whatsthatpicture for the historical snap. Originally published in 2007.

Ancient Hominid Thawed!

Paleo-anthropologists were thrilled when this ancestor of today's human beings was recovered from the Ice Caves of Washin Ginton, but they were ecstatic when they were able to actually thaw the creature and restart its biological functions.

The creature dates from the early Information Age, and it appears to be brain damaged. Experts believe he had the profession of something called a "politician".

Alltop doesn't follow politics. From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future, originally published 2007.

Warrantee-Free!

Bertram was unsure what the "device" was supposed to do.

Its inventor was a man of some animation, and despite his total lack of nasal hair (and a nose, for that matter) Bertram believed he was trustworthy. But the "device"(always the inventor referred to it with the "air quotes") was a concern. The wires made Bertram distinctly twitchy, as did the high-pitched whine (reminiscent of his third wife before her afternoon "dosing") was starting to get on his nerves.

Also, Bertram was somewhat concerned about how much he had started bleeding from the eyes when near the "device", but this worry was offset (somewhat) by the gargantuan increase in the proportions of his "happy place".

The Skwib is Alltop's happy place. From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future, originally published in 2007.

Alternate History: The Tragedy of William Tell

His son, Jemmy, looked calm and free of fear, despite being tied to a post in the Altdorf market square. He'd seen his father shoot and he knew that he was in little danger, but Wilhelm was nervous.

Normally, he'd have no trouble shooting the apple off his son's head. But Hermann Gessler was a nasty piece of work, and Wilhelm had no doubt that he had something up his sleeve.

He cocked the crossbow as slowly as he could, making a big show of how difficult it was. He'd brought his lighter weapon to the trial — the one with just a wooden prod, not the heavy laminate he usually took to war with him. If the time came, he could cock it, place the quarrel, and fire almost as quickly as regular bow. He had several bolts with him, hidden in his shirt, but because everyone knew it took forever to prepare a crossbow to fire, nobody had thought to check him.

While he cocked the crossbow, Wilhelm looked around the for the trap. He spotted the other bowman, partially hidden in a window overtop of Jemmy; the other crossbow was aimed at Wilhelm and it covered him. So that was it — if he did not split the apple, then his execution would be swift. And if he tried to turn the bow on that bastard Austrian bailiff Gessler, he would be shot down immediately.

So Tell knew what he had to do. Shoot the other marksman, and then hope he could cock the bow quickly enough and shoot Gessler before his soldiers could react. Perhaps the people of Uri would come to his aid — nobody liked the Austrians ruling their Canton, and there was talk of rebellion.

He finished cocking the bow and aimed at the apple on Jemmy's head. At the last moment, he shifted, and pulled the trigger. Wilhelm did not take time to see if the bolt struck home — he knew it would — but cocked the bow and put another bolt into it; he spun, and aimed at Gessler, who was laughing hysterically.

"You shot your –" Gessler's words were cut short by Wilhelm's second quarrel, as it punctured his eye.

A few women were screaming, and Gessler's soldiers reacted. There were only three, but more than enough to kill Wilhelm, who bravely cocked the bow again as they drew their swords and charged him.

He shot his last bolt, and the townsfolk moved, as one, to subdue the other two. The rebellion had begun.

"Oh Wilhelm, we're sorry," he heard a voice say. Sorry for what? Now they would kick the Austrians out of Uri, and be free.

Then he saw Jemmy.

Inspired by:

William Tell (Nov. 18 is the day the legendary shot supposedly happened. Wiki.)

Alltop doesn't like this sad stuff. Originally published in 2005. Crazy.

But what killed the unicorn?

I think it was probably Colonel Mustard, in the Study, with a pipe wrench. (Col. Mustard also has an MBA, and probably asked about the ROI in the first place, just so he could launch his murder spree.)

Alltop is more of a candelabra man. More excellent social media cartoons at Noise to Signal.

Dr. Tundra Perfects the Whatsit Upgrade

Whatsit 2.0 had been so popular that Dr. Tundra did not waste any time getting started on 3.0. It would be ready by the next quarter.

And then there was the new Danglybit PX he was working on. If he could capture the men's market and the women's market at the same time, his practice would grow ten-fold. No, a hundred times!

And the best part was that there was little actual surgery. Most of the enhancements were based on a combination of chemistry and "gentle" electrical stimulation. Yes, they were painful, but quite a bit cheaper than standard surgical interventions.

Did Dr. Tundra wonder why so many people wanted to alter their genitalia?

Not at all; he had re-grown his foreskin during medical school, just to see if he could. And besides, people should be allowed to do whatever they wanted, right? As long as it didn't hurt anyone else.

Though, the extension he'd done on Mr. Johnson, using the old Danglybit 4.0 program was a bit on the radical side. Still, it was up to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson how they used the added dimensions.

Inspired by: Globe & Mail Story: Designer Vaginas [actual headline] | More Naughty-looking Closeups of Flowers [like the one at the top of this post]. Alltop thinks flowers are purdy. Originally published in 2005. Crazy.

Damn you autocorrect

I find my iPhone is particularly zealous with its auto-corrections, and it's good to know I'm not the only one.

Alltop is stroganoff with humor. Strong. Strong with humor. Via BoingBoing.