Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 107

Crazy like a fox

Reagan did a lot of this during the Reykjavík Summit with Gorbachev, but it was part of his strategy.

He was TRYING to make Gorby and the Russians think he was a maniac. Hell, maybe he would launch the nukes — he was that crazy. Though this did cause a breakdown of the talks at Reykjavik, mostly because Gorbachev had a panic attack, and just couldn't face the 'mentally deranged' (Gorbachev's description, not mine) President. Eventually, they signed SALT II.

Of course, nobody knew this except Reagan. He was convincing. I was convinced. My friends were convinced. We were pretty sure this was likely:

Oh well, it's helped me write at least one novel.

Alltop is excellent at "duck and cover". Awesome Sarah Palin cartoon by Zina Saunders.

PM discloses previously hidden agenda

OTTAWA (The Skwib) — In a media conference this morning, Prime Minister Stephen Harper surprised pundits and announced that the next budget would include massive tax breaks and grants the Canadian high-tech and brewing industries.

"We must close the beer-robot gap as quickly as possible," Harper told the assembled reporters.

When asked why this was in any way important, Harper produced the Japanese brewer Asahi's new beer-pouring robot, "Mr. Happy Fun Drinking Device". The robot opened a beer and poured it into a glass.

Harper did not drink the beer, but instead left it on the stage floor, near the front, where The Skwib reporter was sitting.

"It's vital that Canada maintain a strong presence in the beer-robot industry, indeed, the entire high-tech alcoholic beverage industry," Harper said. "We've also heard of Austrian robots that can mix a good margarita."

When asked if he didn't already have enough to worry about, the possibility of his budget not passing, a vote of non-confidence, the fact that he was an uptight control-freak, and so on, Harper said the new tax breaks and grants might actually help with some of the other problems facing the government.

"Yes, there are incentives to make these new beer-robots multifunctional. If anyone in the aerospace industry can make these fly, and patrol the Canadian artic, then we'll really have something."

He said that loaded with Canadian beer, this kind of robot would be excellent at deterring the American navy from encroaching on Canadian artic sovereignty.

"A few large-sized Canadian beers should be enough to disrupt most operations on any American sub," Harper said, adding that it is well-known most American beer is "like having conjugal relations in a canoe."

Mr. Harper ignored The Skwib when we asked if Mr. Happy Fun Drinking Device had any peanuts to go with the beer.

Alltop loves it some Bud. Originally published in January 2006. Seriously. Crazy, right? Rewritten, but still inspired by: Asahi's beer-serving robot

Writing novels … buying novels

Dear regular readers (and all you bunged-up readers too),

I won't be posting tons of original stuff for the next couple of weeks as I finish work on my new novel. On a related note, did you know I write novels? (You may have missed the ad over there to the right.)

So if you'd like to read some more of my stuff that is, frankly, WAY better than the rantings and delirium I churn out here on a regular basis, you should check them out. And if you're reading this on Monday, January 17, and you own a Kindle, you're in luck! You can still get a copy of Marvellous Hairy for $1.99! Goodreads members can get the epub version there for $1.99.

Marvellous Hairy is about a surrealistic novelist being turned into a monkey-man by an unscrupulous biotech giganto-corp, and his circle of friends trying to set things right. Available in many places, but you can get $2 off if you sign up for my newsletter and purchase at Amazon.

My first novel, The Amadeus Net, is the story of an immortal Mozart, his dalliance with sex-change surgery, Czech (lesbian) nurses, and a sentient utopian city. You will make my editor's day if you buy The Amadeus Net direct from ENC Press.

Now here is a cartoon about robots:

Alltop thinks all this crass commercialism is disgusting.

Homicidal Butterflies & Chaos Theory

Genius cartoon by Mr. Lovenstein. Via Terribleminds.

Alltop thinks math is hard.

How Anne of Green Gables Destroyed the World

"Like most of you I was inclined to say the war was caused by fish."

However, after a close examination of the evidence, Cadman Michaels — who held doctorates in theoretical physics and history, but who called himself an Alternate Historian — could say now with some confidence that the roots of World War III could be found in three things: beer, ice hockey and something called Tim Horton's coffee.

He could say this with some confidence. And he did.

"My extensive work in multi-universal alternate histories, made possible by my invention, the Moorcock Inter-Dimensional Time Inversion Tunneller (patent pending), shows the cause of the war was actually much earlier in history, well before the breakup of Canada. I intend to outline this series of events in this presentation."

There were grumbles from the learned audience at the annual History of WWIII Conference, held in sunny and (relatively) radiation-free Blenheim, NZ. The MIDTIT was controversial technology, but several papers had proved its efficacy at determining historical turning points.

"I'd have to say it stems from an incident in 1972, during the so-called Summit Series, an ice hockey match played between Canadian NHL players and the Russian Red Army team. Prior to the sixth game, played at the Luzhniki Palace of Sports in Moscow, Russian officials "lost" a shipment of beer the Canadian team had been expecting. Few other historians have noted how grumpy this made the Canadian players, and in particular, Bobby Clarke. "

The audience stared at Michaels blankly.

"Clarke was the player who slashed Valeri Kharlamov's ankle, fracturing it; this took him out of the next game, and made him ineffective for the final game."

"Wait, that's not true!" someone from the audience shouted.

"Exactly," someone else said, Michaels thought it was Hans Gruber, Professor of Pre-Radiation Sports at the University of New Heidelberg, in Perth Australia. "Kharmalov played brilliantly in the remaining games, which is how the Russian team took the series four games to three, with one tie."

"Ah," Michaels smiled. "You are right of course. I've been telling you about the alternate history. Now, the other surprise I have for you is actual images of this alternate history, taken by a recording device that can utilize the inter-dimensional tunnel created by the MIDTIT."

He played several minutes of grainy, black and white video, showing the events he described, including the Canadian victory in game eight.

"My apologies for the quality of the video, but for some reason, I can only capture video and stills from sources broadcast during the time period the MIDTIT is examining."

This produced fewer grumbles, but a higher level of chatter in the room.

"I agree. It is fascinating, yes? In this alternate history, the Canadians win the Summit Series, and really, this enables the country to keep from falling apart, unlike our own timeline. We have always thought the Canadian experiment failed because it was a historical necessity. Really, when you look at the absurd country, there was very little to hold it together, given the regional differences, an active separatist movement in Quebec, Western alienation, and the pressure from the United States. But imagine if Canada wins the Summit Series …"

Terry McDonaldson, who was born in Winnipeg, Manitoba, when it was part of the defunct country called Canada, and who actually played "ice hockey" as it was called in New Auszealand, could be heard muttering, "beauty, eh?"

"But my examination of this timeline has shown that it would take more than Canadian ascendency in ice hockey to keep the country together. It requires coffee. In particular, a brand of coffee called Tim Horton's coffee."

"That's absurd," Gruber said.

"No, it's true. I can show you the figures, but first, let me show you a series of current day advertisements in this timeline. I recorded this yesterday."

Michaels played beautifully crisp video showing a father taking his son to an early morning hockey game, and stopping — before and after the game — at a Tim Horton's to buy coffee and donuts.

"What are those things?" someone asked.

"They are called donuts. They're made, essentially, out of fried dough — which is made from wheat."

"I remember wheat," someone else said. The few Soviet historians who had survived the war shifted uncomfortably in their seats. It had been their government that destroyed all wheat with a biological weapon.

"They look good," Hans Gruber said.

"Yes, I'm sure they were and are delicious, in that universe," Michaels agreed. "The point is, the Canadian people had this institution to help keep them together. Fueled by Tim Horton's coffee and their delectable fried dough, Canadians had the energy and élan to keep their country together, unlike our own sad timeline. But without the popularity of hockey, it would never have achieved such success as a franchise."

"But you said you would show how the war was caused by Anne of Green Gables."

"Right. I did. So, now I have established that without two of Canada's greatest institutions — hockey (or ice hockey as we know it) and Tim Hortons — an offshoot of their hockey culture that bound them together — Canada could not stay together. Now, I ask you to remember your pre-war history. What happened in our timeline?" It was clearly a rhetorical question, so Michaels continued: "the country started to break up. First Quebec separated, and then Alberta. The first becoming independent and the second joining the US. Other provinces began to follow, as the US invited Ontario, BC, Saskatchewan, Manitoba to join. They even asked New Brunswick, Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. They all were absorbed by the US.

"All except little Prince Edward Island; we now know that it was just an oversight by the State Department. Nobody noticed the tiny province on the map. But this lack of geographic acumen would lead inevitably to the destruction of a global civilization."

People were nodding their heads. He had them now with this familiar material.

"PEI, justifiably outraged and upset that they had been ignored by the United States, declared that they were de facto, now Canada, and moved the federal capital to Charlottetown. (As an interesting footnote, this is where the country had its beginnings too.) They also declared that as the government of Canada, they retained the vastness of the Yukon and the Northwest Territories. There were ominous complaints from both the US government and the new Quebec government, though really, most of the Quebec troops were engaged in a civil war with the aboriginal peoples of Quebec, so they were not a threat. The US most definitely was, so PEI — sorry, Canada –"

There were chuckles throughout the room.

"– looked for allies. And as we all know, they found Japan. All the textbooks say the Japanese recognized that if PEI — sorry, Canada — became a protectorate of Japan, it would have access to the rich fishing waters of not only the Gulf of St. Lawrence, but all the Arctic waters surrounding the territories. The so-called Sushi Factor.

"And of course, there were other elements that led to war: seeing how happy it made everyone in the Canadian states, President Carter was forced to institute universal health care throughout all the United States during his second term; this, in turn, weakened the federal coffers so that when Ronald Reagan became president, he did not have the resources he needed to start a new arms race and so bankrupt the Soviets, as he planned. (Incidentally, I'm working on a video that will show how this played out in the other timeline I'm discussing.) Plus, Reagan had a whole new Cold War on his hands with the Japanese. Granted, the Japanese were a non-nuclear nation, but with the resources they were able to pull out of the oceans and the territories, it gave their economy the power to rival that of the US."

Most of these arguments were familiar to audience, and he was starting to lose them again. "But I have evidence that shows the Japanese would not have taken over Canada — even with the fish factor. I will play more video now, this from our own timeline. I'd also like to take this opportunity to introduce Dr. Akido Suzuki, who is one of the few surviving Japanese people, to translate for me."

The video showed happy Japanese people, holding up placards. Suzuki translated: "The signs say, 'we love Anne', and 'Save Green Gables.'" Then the video changed to the audience room in the palace of the Japanese emperor. He was speaking with his senior ministers. "The revered Emperor say that his people love Anne of Green Gables. He says that he understands the geopolitical danger this protectorate would put Japan in, but for the sake of his people, he asks his government to do it. He says that he would like to visit Green Gables too, but only if it on Japanese soil."

The video ends.

"Say, where did you find that video?" Gruber asked. "No-one has been able to get to Japan since the war. And as far as I know, any records that may have survived would be too radioactive to examine."

"Oh, I used the MIDTIT to record that conversation."

"Didn't you say you could only record transmissions from the period? Surely that wasn't ever telecast."

"The Emperor with his ministers?" Michaels said. "Of course not. No. I can only record broadcast signals from other timelines, inter-dimensionally. Our own universe I can record anything, anywhere."

"Even now?"

"No, I can't record something that is happening in the present moment. But I can record something that happened just a second ago," Michaels said.

There was a brief silence as the assembled historians absorbed the significance of this, including Michaels.

The room erupted in conversation, and Michaels realized that if there was going to be another war, he already had a good idea what — and who — would have caused it.

The End

Alltop enjoys using the MIDTIT too. Thanks to johndresner for the emperor shot. Originally published in September, 2009.

Existential graphic design

It has always astonished me how many branding efforts (or god help me, "rebranding" efforts) are actually exercises in logo design. Your logo is not your identity. And vice versa.

This is already a very lucrative field for many advertising companies. You do some focus group work, a survey or two, and then write up some generic description of the client's organization. Then, give them Circle Logo Number 4, with Blue Instead of Black, and change the kerning on the text.

Voila, another organization has averted an existential crisis! If only there could be such a simple process for individuals.

Alltop has no existential worries at all. Cartoon by the talented lunchbreath

A dystopia in which we can all believe

Icelandic artist, filmmaker, and musician Omar Hauksson presents a futuristic vision for us to revel in:

We here at Nakatomi only tolerate one kind of White Power- BETTY WHITE POWER! Betty White rules the atomic wasteland with an iron fist, making sure we're all nice to our domestic pets. If you kick a dog, she will cut you man. Cut you quick.

You can get the print here.

Alltop takes iron fist supplement with every breakfast.

If the Suicide Girls ran a suicide prevention hotline

This video is quite possible not safe for work, though there's no nudity. There's lots of slightly dirty language, and, uh, let's say babes, with tattoos.

Not to mention the stupidity. (Though that might just blend in at most workplaces.)

Don't worry, Alltop isn't thinking about killing itself.

Why Everyone Should Read Cat's Cradle

"Now I will destroy the whole world."

– What Bokonists say when they commit suicide, Cat's Cradle, Chapter 106

You'd think a story about the end of the world – not just the world of one person, or human civilization, but all life on the planet – would be a grim affair, but Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle is replete with wit, wry humour, and a touching compassion for human frailty.

Vonnegut's book is no bright dystopia, like the one portrayed in Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, nor is it as unrelentingly dark as George Orwell's 1984. It's our world that Vonnegut so amusingly satirizes, a world in which human beings are awfully good at creating doomsday devices (atomic bombs, religions), and lying to themselves.

Many have said this is a story about the insanity of the Cold War, but I think it's a short history of human stupidity. And it is as relevant today as it was when it was first published in 1963. The plot follows a narrator who is writing a book about one of the creators of the atomic bomb and in the process discovers the scientist has also made Ice-9, a substance with the potential to turn all water into solid ice. Why invent such a dangerous thing? Come on, science can't be held back by such existential worries – it's progress, baby.

Our world is beset with climate change caused by our technologies. As a species, we're on the cusp of massive changes that could exceed the pace of evolution – whether from genetic engineering or through fusing our biology with information technology – and this is precisely the kind of book that everyone needs to read.

We need to think about what we are doing with our scientific power, not just proceed blindly.

Cat's Cradle is the book that helped me find a way I could be a writer: it's literary, but it plays with science fictional tropes; it's funny, but there's a point to it all. In it he invents a religion, Bokonism, that is both humane and ironic, and that puts the lie to all other human religions. He spoofs geopolitics as easily as he skewers human egocentrism. And he does it all with humour and prose that's accessible and well crafted. It's deceptively simple, in fact. You can't help but be moved, and then you think, "How did he do that?"

The short chapters are perfect for today's attention-deficit-disordered readers (at least, until we have our concentration chips implanted), so it works as a book that everyone at university could read.

Not to mention all the great ideas (foma: a harmless untruth) and kickass existential "Calypso" lyrics from the Book of Bokonon:

Tiger got to hunt,

Bird got to fly;

Man got to wonder, "Why, why, why?"

Tiger got to sleep,

Bird got to land;

Man got to tell himself, he understand.

Originally appeared on The Mark, and thanks to Nodoca for the photo.

Dynastic Ambitions

Reginald Tweedsmuire had invented the tongue depressor, tongue scraper and uvula tickler (better known as the Roman Weight Management Apparatus), and he was said to be in line for a Knighthood for his Force 10 Mustache Wax (capable of keeping even the most impressive mustachios stiff and manly in high winds, and much-beloved by Prince Albert). As such, the family was actually quite wealthy, and able to afford the best finishing schools for their only daughter.

During her early years, Eucretia had demonstrated an aptitude for the visual arts, and was a celebrated painter, a somewhat scandalous occupation for a young woman in Victorian England. But her diction was perfect, her manners impeccable, and she was an expert doily appraiser, a much more respectable activity for genteel women of the time.

Sir Reginald, as he would soon be known, moved a lot of mustache wax and goose feathers. The Tweedsmuires, in other words, were rolling in it.

This is why Lord Dullsmather Braincringe had asked for Eucretia's hand in marriage. For the money. Nearly Sir Reginald was thrilled of course. In addition to his extensive uvular and mustache wax fortune, he had vast ambition, and a noble marriage would help elevate the Tweedsmuire name above mere industrial middling class. Someday, he might have a grandson ensconced on his flabby ass in the House of Lords.

That is, if Eucretia could ever entice Braincringe to take off the Browning Suit long enough for congress to occur.

Apparently, Alltop cannot be enticed to put The Skwib higher on its feed. Strangely compelling image via Twisted Vintage.