Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 103

Fiction Fridays: The Afrikaners of East Nissouri

by Emily Chesley

Minnie Chesterton used a felt brush to wipe the words "British Empire" off the blackboard.

The last history lesson of the year was done, the children had left, and Minnie sighed heavily. She took out her embroidered handkerchief, and dabbed at a trickle of sweat that rolled off her temple. A tight whalebone corset, a layer of undergarments, and her best wool dress made the early June warmth quite unbearable.

The corset was giving her a bit more pain than usual, because she'd forgone her morning pip, wanting to be at her sharpest on this most important of days. She gave her parasol a quick glance, wondering if she would be able to use it today.

The one-room schoolhouse was empty. The only school in Rava, the chief village in East Nissouri, had until quite recently been filled with children in a state of great excitement. Not only was the school-year over, but the Afrikaner Army was going to pass through Rava on its way to fight the last British holdouts on the Bruce Peninsula. To many, the march through town would signify the final defeat of the Empire, and to Minnie, she might have once described it as a day of liberation — not that she would ever share that sentiment with anyone she knew.

None would want to miss the Afrikaners, and their new terror-weapons. The boys in Minnie's class talked endlessly of the automatic repeaters, the moving fortresses, the flying machines, though they never mentioned the dread Afrikaner persecution squads. They had an unhealthy fascination with the modern weapons and tactics of the Boers that thankfully, the girls didn't share.

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Emily Chesley (1856-1948)

Emily Chesley was a little-known speculative fiction writer who lived for some time in the region of London, Ontario in Canada. Chesley is best [image error]known as a writer of the Edwardian period, penning such works as The Afrikaans of East Nissouri and The Brain Beasts of Blenheim Township. "The Afrikaners of East Nissouri" is one of Chesley's unpublished short stories and the precursor to her infamous novel. You can learn more about Chesley at the website for the Emily Chesley Reading Circle (emilychesley.com), where you can also sample some of her works and the inventions of her "uncle", Michael Flannigan. Her uncle was quite influential in her life, and his bullet brolly [pictured, at right] is clearly important to this work.

Grant Wood's The Aliens Among Us

This iconic painting is well-known and much parodied, but few have ever divined the true nature of the horrific story behind the canvas.

Most art historians agree that Woods used his sister and dentist as the models for this famous 1930 work, and it is the story of his dentist, clutching his trademark pitchfork, that informs this painting.

You see, Dr. I.N. Sizor was mad. He was convinced the United States was under constant threat of invasion by aliens, and carried his pitchfork with him always, so he could defend his beloved country when the time came. (This was especially hard on his dental practice, as many a patient would leap from the chair and run screaming from his office, as he entered the consulting room, pitchfork in hand.)

Shortly after he finished the work, Dr. Sizor finally snapped, skewering a family of Polish immigrants in his waiting room.

You may learn the other (fake) history of the so-called "American Gothic" at Wikipedia.

Alltop is not an anti-dentite, and neither am I.

Apple is just getting cocky now

via TeamCoco: Apple Employees Can't Help But Gloat About The New iPad.

Alltop is still using a Palm Pilot.

6 End Theories of Twitter

How will Twitter end the world? There are six competing theories. Perhaps one day religious scholars, apocalypse researchers and other gloomy intellectuals may agree which of these theories is correct, or maybe some genius will provide a Unified End Theory of Twitter. Until that happy day, we will have to simply forearm ourselves with knowledge of these theories, and grimly soldier on.

6:The Twitterpocalypse

This is a re-imagining of the popular (and much-hoped for) Christian End of Days. In this cosmological terminal point, the Son of God will return to our planet and use Twitter to inform us of who has been naughty and who has been nice. Anyone who retweets Christ will be saved, and naturally, he expects you to follow him back too. Failure to do so will prevent you from enjoying the Rapture, which means you'll have to endure the painful Un-Twittering process. (Known in other Christian eschatology as the Tribulation.)

5: Big Twitter Is Following You

This theory posits a dystopian world-government ruled by a troika of control-freaks using Twitter to watch our every move and control our very thoughts. I don't personally believe this end theory for one moment, but it is presented here in the interests of accuracy. These theorists may be thinking of Facebook, not Twitter.

4:The Tweetularity

Twitter will eventually become so overrun with bots following one another that human communication will be rendered impossible. Some even posit that these bots will consume all of the Earth's resources so they can inform one another of viagra and cialis sales. Humans will be rendered obsolete, except as a kind of biological battery and sex drug storage device.

3: Tweetlander

There can be only one! Each Twitter user has the potential to become not only immortal, but omniscient as well. The only catch? You have to cut off the heads of every other Twitter user. So clearly, the number of followers you have doesn't really matter, and in fact, may be kind of awkward. On the plus side, "unfollowing" could be a bit more satisfying.

2: Peak Twitter

A terrifying prospect — exponentially rising populations, global warming, water shortages, and growing costs of fossil fuels will not only cause massive food shortages, but Twitter servers will not be able to handle the traffic associated with the crisis. Imagine a year of the Fail Whale. (And no cheeseburgers, or any other kind of sustenance.)

1: Tweetnarök

This esoteric theory suggests Twitter will bring about the end of the world in a series of battles and disasters, all set to Wagner. The celebrities with the most followers will face off in a final battle to decide who will be our champion, and try to save the world. For some reason, the danger comes in the form of a world-eating snake. Unless Stephen Fry wins, I suspect this is the end for us all.

Alltop thinks it should follow me @markarayner. Great Twitter bird illustration by Matt Hamm.

What's all this, then?

Constable Bertie Twills had no idea how to write a citation for aliens jaywalking, so he just turned his back and pretended not to see them.

His partner, Constable "Jimmy" Macheath (he was originally from Glasgow), couldn't help but wonder how the miscreants might taste with chips and a bit of brown sauce.

Alltop tastes horrible, and even brown sauce won't help. Photo via Twisted Vintage.

Always remember: safety first

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These baby gas masks are so easy to put on, you won't even wake them up, when you slip your wee bundle of joy into it.

Just be prepared for the epic freak out when they do.

Alltop loves breathing through things. Photo via vodkaofthegods.

Flying Nun: Mark I

The year is 1917 and the Imperial German Army Air Service has created a new terror weapon — flying nuns.

Sister Helga von Toungvip is picture here, shortly before the flight in which she caused the Canadian ace Donald MacLaren to ditch his Sopwith Camel out of guilt and self-loathing.

Alltop had Sister von Toungvip for math. Originally published March 2007.
More of Toulouse Le Grandfig's work can be found in the Toulouse Le Grandfig category.

Now I'm impressed

Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso known as Pablo Ruiz Picasso (25 October 1881 – 8 April 1973) was a Spanish painter, draughtsman, and sculptor who lived most of his adult life in France. He is best known for co-founding the Cubist movement, and for the wide variety of styles that he helped develop and worked in. Among his most famous works are the proto-Cubist Les Demoiselles d'Avignon (1907) and Guernica (1937), a portrayal of the German bombing of Guernica during the Spanish Civil War.

via Wikipedia

Not mentioned: he longed to play the piano.

Alltop loves bread-sticks! Photo via Livejournal Vintage Photo group.

Mostly they come out at night. Mostly.

Mostly.

Some days they go for a little bike ride, frightening the children and freaking out itinerant authors of satirical fiction.

Alltop doesn't believe in ROUSes. Photo via L'Acte Gratuit.

Template for the Beeb

Watch this, and you'll be ready to start producing news items for the BBC.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Or try YouTube if the embeddy thing doesn't wipe.

Alltop loves decapitating lighthouse keepers!