Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 101

Professor Quippy: Finally, an excuse we can all get behind

Who knew that giving up mastery of your domain could provide significant release — uh, relief — of restless leg syndrome (RLS). This wankingly good news was recently discovered by Luis Marin and colleagues at the Federal University of São Paulo, Brazil.

RLS is no joke. It's a disturbing need to move your legs, caused by — as yet — unidentified neurological problems. A dopamine imbalance is one of the features of this syndrome, and drugs that increase dopamine levels can help. But the researchers in Brazil have found that sufferers get complete release — sorry, relief — after masturbating.

Unfortunately, it might not be the kind of relief you can get on your morning commute.

The extra good news? Sex has the same effect!

Alltop doesn't like the whole "master of the domain" euphemism. More details about this study at The New Scientist.

Programming envy

Via The Joy of Tech

Alltop thinks it should be more like all of them.

Meanwhile, in Scotland

Agnes MacPummel made her living as a hired mourner, but her métier was punching the unsuspecting bereaved in the face, just as the casket was lowered in the ground.

Alltop once punched itself in the face. Photo via Buzzfeed.

Fun Beatles Fact

Paul and John were huge Superman fans, especially the avant garde series that Joel Shuster wrote in 1950, after self-medicating with LSD.

Alltop had to stop self-medicating after the "incident". Cartoon via Twisted Vintage.

Inglorious Basterds II

'Allo my friend of Germany. So ze war is … how you say … getting you down? Come to Ze Follies Parisian Plus Grand — Huge Tomfooleries of Paris!

Don't mind ze smell. Ve have just fumigated for rats.

Enjoy your champagne! Laugh! Laugh you fat German pig-rapist!

And now, here are ze chlorine dancers!

After the war, Alltop lived for many years in Brazil. Photo via Buzzfeed.

Love me, please!

Having been guilty of this, I agree we need to rethink these buttons. That's why I changed all my buttons to just the logo, and the description of them to "Social Thingys". My theory is that if people are genuinely interested, all they really need is the link.

What are your thoughts on this burning, itchy question?

Alltop wants your love too.

Idioms Explained

In 1910 NorskeRail implements a revolutionary electric rail system throughout the country, and puts itself at the forefront of world railroad technologies.

In 1911 they implement a plan to use low-frequency soundwaves to break up snowbanks, so power is not wasted. A generation of young musically inclined men join up in the heroic struggle against the snow. The entire country is soon horrified by the physics of high-impact tuba-snow collisions on human flesh, but in typical Nordic fashion they respond with black humor, telling a series "flatter than a Norwegian tuba" jokes.

Alltop sings flatter than a Norwegian tuba. Photo via Buzzfeed.

Fiction Fridays: The Skunk Incident

by John Sloan, TGCS

Two skunks converse, early Saturday morning outside a certain blogger's house:

" So, the guy . . ."

"Yeah."

"The guy on the porch"

"Yeah"

"He sees me there."

"Uh huh."

"And he starts waiving his elbows at me."

"His what?"

"His elbows. You know. Where their arms bend."

"I know what elbows are. What I don't get is why he'd point them at you. They don't do anything, well, other than make their arms bend."

"Beats the hell out of me. I just kind of froze."

"What he do next."

"Came right at me with his elbows up."

"He say anything?"

"Yeah, something like "see if you can get your jaws around this, evil beast."

"Evil beast?"

"Go figure."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, but it's kind of weird."

"And the elbows aren't weird"

"Good point."

"So what did he say?"

"Well it sounded like . . . "

"Yeah?"

"It sounded like: "I'm Batman."

"No shit."

"Yeah."

"They say the damndest things sometimes, eh."

"Yeah."

"So, did you do 'em."

"Christ yeah."

"Not much choice, eh?"

"Nope."

The End

About the Author:

John Sloan exists in both cyberspace (where he is a "Thuder" Gott) and within standard space-time (where he is a "lead analyst", writer, funny man, and keen observer of his idiot friends.) This story was inspired by a certain blogger, excessive alcohol intake at a meeting of The Emily Chesley Reading Circle, and the blogger's recounting of a 70s-era Batman cartoon in which the Dark Knight defeats a panther (or maybe a jaguar) by shoving his elbow into its mouth and dislocating its jaw. This was somehow important to the blogger for some reason which is fuzzy now.

Alltop is skunk-proof because of its knees. Skunk photo by fieldsbh. Originally published April, 2007.

Ask General Kang: How do you choose a new leader?

Well, on my home planet of Neecknaw, this is a simple affair. The new leader chooses himself.

Or herself. But we haven't had a female leader since the Gloomy Ages (the interstitial period between the Dark Ages and the Time of Light) when the orangutan giantess Slothia sat on the preceding and diminutive warlord, Marmostak the Mighty. (Marmostak the Mighty Small the followers of Slothia called him.)

But you're probably asking because of the upcoming so-called "elections" you are holding in the "democracies" of the large landmass you call "North America". I think the political theatre you have invented is quite fine, actually, though it lacks a certain martial elan that we on the Planet Neecknaw like to see in our leadership hopefuls.

So in that spirit, I would like to suggest that in lieu of your "elections", you should have some kind of television show in which the leaders of your political "parties" eliminate one another in gruesome (and entertaining) ways. Because you humans value guile and low cunning as much as the simian population of Neecknaw, I'd recommend something that compensates for brute strength alone — I'm open to suggestions in the comments. (Otherwise, I'm pretty sure Elizabeth May will have an unfair advantage over the other sissified leaders of Canadian political parties, and this should also make the next US election more interesting to watch too, though they are already pretty bloody.)

Next time: In space, nobody can hear you scream, but if an alien is laying eggs in your Captain's cranium, you're still ABLE to scream, right?
An elimination match will now ensue between alltop and itself.

This would make BioShock even more tragic

One of the things I like about BioShock (both I & II) is the sad little human touches in the game, such as the story about Masha and her parents. (Whom you may find, dead, in their hotel room after they discover that Masha is a little sister.)

[bam] In Paris, once shared a bowl of soup (and its cook) with Ernest Hemingway

[bam] Prefers broccoli to cauliflower, but only on Wednesdays

[bam] Started splicing up because of peer pressure and his big ears

Something for the developers to consider as they work on BioShock III (they are, aren't they?)

Alltop doesn't know what a first person shooter [wiki] is, but it knows first person funnies.