Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 99

A Brief History of Unicorns: The Golden Age of Unicorns

In ancient India, Unicorns faced an existential crisis. Not the kind where you doubted your role in life, but rather, the kind where your whole species was in danger of being turned into aphrodisiac soup.

Hence, the species of onus cornu moved west, where human civilization had yet to reach the dizzying heights it had in the east. There were signs of cities in the Levant and Greece, so the unicorns pushed on into Paleolithic Europe, settling in glades, glens and flower-bedecked forests throughout the continent.

At first, relations were a little rocky. The stone age humans living in Europe at the time found the unicorns a little stuck up, to be honest. They especially didn't like how easy it was for unicorns to kill the dragons that had been plaguing the continent since end of the last ice age. Then they realized, "hey, no dragons eating our virgins and defiling our young men," (as everyone knows dragons are won't to do).

Thus began the Golden Age for the unicorns. Humans lived in peace with the golden-horned quadrupeds, even after it became apparent that the male unicorns were overtly fond of female human virgins of breeding age. (You see, it's not just fundamentalist religions that are preoccupied with virgins, and there is a good reason for this: procreative Darwinian magic.) And to be fair, the male unicorns didn't seem to mind if occasionally one of their female unicorn foals had it off with Thag the Caveman. (Who was known amongst all cave men as a degenerate of the first order, later defined by the historian Prudendus as unicornus humpus.)

Occasionally, there would be incursions of dragons, and the humans would help the unicorns drive them off, mostly by acting as bait.

Yes, it was an age as golden as their horns. But that was all about to change, as civilization extended its bony claws into this Eden, in the form of Metal. (Not the mullet-thrashing, head-banging kind, but the kind that helped you kill unicorns from a distance.)

A Brief History of Unicorns

Part One: Getting Biblical

Part Two: Vedic Culinary Prescriptions

Part Three: The Golden Age of Unicorns

Alltop loves to act as humor bait.

A Brief History of Unicorns: Vedic Culinary Prescriptions

As discussed earlier, the archeological record clearly shows that unicorns evolved on the Indian subcontinent, and migrated from there. References to the unicorn are sprinkled throughout early Vedic writings, concentrated in the Iron Age texts known as the Brāhmaṇas, which are commentaries discussing the proper forms of sacrifice.

In short, they are a collection of recipes for the appropriate treatment and cooking of unicorns.

Here is one such recipe painstakingly translated by Sanskrit scholars at the Swedish Institute of Unicorn Studies (SIUS):

Blessedly Sturdy Lotus Soup

Ingredients:

One unicorn
Twelve lotus leaves
Dew
Two handfuls lingamberries

The unicorn wanders through the yoni grove of every maiden in the village for a period of one year, or until there are no maidens left. Afterwards, the unicorn is placed next to the sacrificial fire, and there it becomes one with Brahman. Take the rainbow-colored discharge from the unicorn's horn and mix with dew collected during the season of tickles. Mix with tincture of lotus leaves, and slowly stir in two handfuls of lingamberries. (Also gathered during the season of tickles, but for best results, the last two weeks.)

Serves one flaccid king.

Note: that is not a typo. The recipe calls for lingamberries, not linganberries. This was a great disappointment to everyone at the SIUS.

Nobody is sure what this recipe is for, though clearly, it's not healthy for the unicorn, which explains why they disappear from Vedic literature long before the beginning of the Mauryan Period, 321 BC.

Alltop is pretty sure it has never been to the yoni grove. Lotus flower photo by Swamibu.

A Brief History of the Unicorn: Part One, The Bible

Wikipedia claims the unicorn is a mythological creature, and I call bullshit on that.

The unicorn is not mythological. The kraken is mythological. Jörmungandr, the Midgard Serpent, is a mythological beast. These are animals that defy logic and the physical rules of the universe — seriously, a snake that encircles the earth? The unicorn, however, is just a superior, yet extinct, animal.

The unicorn, or onus cornu, was once plentiful on the subcontinent of India, and in survived in secluded glades throughout Eurasia up through the 17th century, until humans hunted them into extinction. (As we are won't to do with all the really cool animals, such as jabberwocky and jackalope.)

This brief series is intended to explain the nature of the unicorn, and its part in human history.

The Unicorn through the Ages
Part One: The Bible

References to unicorns are scattered throughout the historical record, no more obvious than in Deuteronomy, where Moses discusses the nature of the unicorn and God:

Adam looked at the beast, and said: "This shall be a horse."

And to Jaweh he said, "truly lord, you are magnificent, what could be more awesome?"

The Earth shook, and Jaweh said, "fuck you Adam. What could be more awesome. I am more awesome."

And Adam said, "well, that goes without saying ye who have created, literally, everything. You are the tops. But I meant in terms of non-predatory beasts. What could be better than a horse? It's fast. It carries a great load. It's gait is proof of your existence. And it even smells nice."

Jaweh said, "what if it smelled like marshmallows?"

And Adam asked, "oh tell me, Lord, what is a marshmallow?"

This just angered Jaweh, and he said, "you know what would make this more awesome? Something that let it kill predators. Like a giant fucking horn made of gold. And it should have a kick-ass beard like me, and something flashy for a tail. Like the one I did for the lion. And instead of a regular hoof, it has cloven hooves. And only virgins can ride them. And they shall be immensely strong."

Adam was stunned by the beauty of the unicorn, and he wanted to ride it, but Jaweh said only Eve could ride it, and only before it had taken her as a man takes a woman.

And Adam said, "who is Eve?"

Jaweh said, "oh, right. We haven't got there yet."

Alltop definitely doesn't smell like marshmallows. Photo of Mardi Storm sculpture via Gabe Gross.

Beard mathematics

This guy may be able to produce a chart, but he'll never map the shoals of the female heart.

Alltop is still working on its soul patch.

The Minister of Silly Walks

Cleese still rules:

Alltop could make its walk much sillier if it just had the funding.

How Not to Seem Like a Maniac Online

Laser beans & other high-tech, high-fiber foods

This sounds like an exciting product, but I am somewhat afraid of what happens after you've enjoyed a plate of laser beans, fiber-wise.

Other high-tech, high-fiber products to consider inventing:

Irradiated oat-bran muffins
Plutonium protein bars
Chili con Chemo
Multi-dimensional Lentil Loaf.

Please leave other new product ideas in the comments.

Alltop just drinks lots of coffee.

You post to your blog, not blog to your blog!

Do you blog? Yes? Then when you sit down to write something for that blog, do you "write a blog" or do you "write a post"?

If you answered "write a blog", then you are one of the doofus digerati that makes the Phrase Freak cry.

It's a common error (especially on MySpace) and one that is understandable. The blog is still a relatively new phenomenon (not in web years, but in the writing world), so the conventions are still shaking out. That said, this is an error in usage that we should all try to stamp out now, while there's still time. (I'm still upset that phrase freaks and grammarians everywhere were unable to prevent the odious "proactive" or even worse, "moving forward.")

If you were writing an article or story for a newspaper, would you say, I'm writing a newspaper? Of course not, that would sound ridiculous. (Unless you're a one-person operation, in which case it may be accurate, but still sound absurd.)

If you were writing a sit-com would you say, I'm writing a TV? Only if you were the Vice-President of TV.

Acceptable:

writing a (blog) post
writing a blog entry
posting to a blog
writing
posting
blogging.

This gets 4 gobsmacks out of 10:

Alltop is all about the humor usage.

The Magic Box Syndrome

I call this the "magic box" syndrome, based on Arthur C. Clarke's famous maxim: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

Alltop likes to clap its hands to make sure the humor fairy doesn't die.

Ask General Kang: How should I cast my vote at the next election?

Ah you puny humans and your democracy delusion … It is so amusing.

I can only tell you how I plan to cast my "vote" at the next election, which is to evaluate the parties and their leaders and decide which would be best for me when my armada finally arrives.

My first choice would be Stephen Harper and the "Conservative" party; I have run a personality profile on him, and it reveals a deep streak of self-loathing that I can use when my invasion force arrives. In addition to a pathological hatred of anyone who does not do what he says, at the same time, he worships those entities who are more powerful than him — the US, the G20, his imaginary god. This bifurcated personality will be easily swayed when my attack ships appear in Earth orbit. I imagine one look at a troop of gorilloids wearing fezes and armed with broadswords will convince him of Neeknabian superiority, and he will put Canada's people and resources at my disposal.

The second-best choice would be Jack Layton and the "New Democratic" party — should they win, they will be unprepared to rule the country, and will leave it weak and confused and easily beaten by a phalanx of Über-Chimps decked out in gold spandex and helmets that look like the business end of a whale phallus. (Their plasma weapons will also be impressive and devastating.)

What about the other parties?

I would prefer not to have the Liberals in power, as they tend to do whatever circumstances demand, no matter what they said they were going to do during the election, and the Greens worry me, but only because I suspect Elizabeth May could be a formidable war-time leader.

Next time: How often should you floss, and does that have any impact on the space-time continuum?