Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 102

Why are you feeling sad for the computer?

That's assuming it's even possible to download our "brains" — i.e., consciousnesses. Given the state of modern software, I sure wouldn't want to trust my existence to the process. What if the download goes wrong? What if the server goes offline while I'm in the middle of the download?

What if I'm using WINDOWS?

It's just to scary to contemplate.

Alltop is a giant humor consciousness.

Dobby Lives, and he's Harry Potter's friend!

You know, I always thought that Dobby was an annoyingly needy elf-turd, but he certainly didn't deserve to die for it.

Alltop thinks this is vaguely familiar.

Humans invented tools for the convenience

Many believe the human species is the only one which uses tools. This is not true. There are many other species that have been identified as using tools, including: otters, chimps, bonobos, elephants, octopuses and ravens.

Humans are the first species to invent tools because we're lazy. Initially, tool use was important for our survival. As noted in the cartoon to the right "… by Gary Larson, more complex inventions began to be developed. I must note that this cartoon is technically inaccurate. Spectacles had not been invented at that time, and would not be until just before the Renaissance, around the late 14th century CE." [adam blatner]

Eventually, we got around to creating really great inventions of convenience, such as bows and arrows, soup and of course, the Internet. This marvelous invention helps maximize our convenience, but sometimes even that is not enough.

Alltop is a convenient stop for humor, but there's too much scrolling to find The Skwib.

Friday Fiction: At Recess, There Will Be Worms

This story is somewhat autobiographical (the stuff about the shoes and living in England is true) but otherwise, it's fiction inspired by the smell of worms in April, which is SO tantalizingly close now.

At recess, there will be worms

By Mark A. Rayner

Each April would bring rain, worms and mortification. But this year was going to be different. I could feel it in the marrow of my ten-year-old bones, because this year, I didn't have to wear the clunky black oxford shoes that had been the bane of my existence for most of my short life.

In kindergarten, there was still a glorious joi-de-vivre to everything. Need to take off your dress in the middle of class? Why not! Wanna eat the paste? Go for it! Mom makes you wear ugly black shoes? We don't care, you're beautiful baby! But sometime in early grade one, that laissez-faire attitude changed. All of us discovered, in our own ways, the horrible truth: "I'm different and that's bad." My difference was a minor one — my shoes were weird. But this kind of tiny deviation from the norm can have enormous consequences. I became a figure of fun and teasing for at least a few minutes of every day that I had to wear that hyper-functional footwear.

I'd had one brief respite from the embarrassment of those shoes, which was the year my family had lived in Britain. I was sent to a state school where the food was terrible, the teachers were mean, and most of my classmates were jerks, but did I care? No, because everybody was wearing clunky black oxfords, so I didn't stand out. My "American" accent was distinctive, but that was one of those rare differences that made people like you.

Read the rest of the story …>

Alltop had to wear sacks on its feet, and was happy for them! Originally published in April, 2007.

O'Danny Boy!

Click here to view the embedded video.

If the O'Embedding doesn't work: Muppets "sing" Danny Boy on YouTube.

I'm sure this WON'T be the most incomprehensible version of Danny Boy caterwauled after the bars close this evening. (I'm usually guilty of massacring The Minstrel Boy, but that's just because this song makes me too sad — my Grandfather used to sing Danny Boy to me when I was a wee lad. I have to say, Animal's song stylings make even this ol' chestnut hilarious.)

Happy St. Pat's all, and don't be an eejit — don't drink and drive!

Alltop likes St. Paddy's for all the slappers.

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost attempt Star Wars

This was on my Tumblr yesterday, but I had to share it here too.

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost attempt a shot-for-shot remake of Star Wars, but they get bogged down in the logical inconsistencies of the plot.

Alltop didn't know that DV made C3PO, and now the movie's ruined.

Ask General Kang: How do you treat visiting dignitaries?

Damnit Jim, I'm an Interstellar Warlord not a Doctor, so I don't "treat" visiting dignitaries at all. Unless you mean treat in the sense of, "you'll love these chilled hominid brains, it's a real treat."

Ew. No, I mean, what kind of protocol do you follow?

It depends quite a bit on my diplomatic goals. If I want something from them, then I don't put them in the burrowing gastro-intestinal worm wing of our Foreign Secretary's guest quarters (unless they like that kind of thing). And if I'm in some kind of negotiation, then it will depend a little on our relative power positions. For example:

They have an armada of interstellar warships, plasma guns charged and surrounding the planet, then I install them in a nice hotel: room service, free mini bar, and all the massages they can handle from Buk-buk, the Talented Orangutan.

If they don't have an armada, then I usually just enslave the diplomatic party and send them to the Chalkboard Mines on Screechy XII (known on my home planet as the "alien's tooth-gnashing graveyard.)

You did know I was an Interstellar Overlord, right? Generally speaking, we don't go for the whole "negotiation" thing. Unless there is chilled hominid brains involved, then maybe…

Next time: I notice you're wearing a uniform. Do the other apes on your planet wear clothes, and in particular, pants?
Alltop once had chilled brains at the START of the meal. Freaks! Originally published in September, 2007!

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Ides of March Edition)

Julius Caesar Presents: Won't Be King (slide 5)

Don't put that diadem around my shoulders
Only King in Rome is Jupiter
But you can call me King outside Italy
What, you got a problem with that?

Spurinna the Soothsayer presents "ooooooo" (slide 1)

Beware the Ides of March!
Cue the spooky music!

Caesar Presents "What, me worry?" (only slide)

Going to speak with the Senate at Pompey's Theatre
You see, soothsayer Spurinna, the Ides of March have come
No problem.

Spurinna presents "you're an idiot" (only slide)

It's the Ides all day, you pillock.

Marcus Brutus presents "anti-king device" (slide 1)

Is this a stabby thing you can't see behind you, Caesar of the Julia?

Marcus Brutus presents "anti-king device" (slide 2)

Nope, can't see it now, 'cause it's in your back.

Marcus Brutus presents "anti-king device" (slide 5)

And again.
Thus always to tyrants, even if they may be my father.

Et tu Alltop? Shockingly, originally published in 2006!

Jesus — the Forrest Gump of saviours

Alltop is always full of funny — hey, wine!

Server software — the Forrest Gump of the web

In my web design class I used to joke that the browser was the Forrest Gump of software, but perhaps the role is now being taken over by the stuff that runs our servers.

Alltop is always interested in what you have to — hey, shiny paper!