Mark A. Rayner's Blog: Mark A. Rayner's Goodreads Blog, page 105

Fiction Fridays: Scientific dating

Jeremy Butler, venture capitalist and shallow bastard, was ready for his next foray into the dating world. He'd read the latest studies, and he had a strategy.

Instead of giving lavish gifts that had material value (diamond bracelets, sports cars, fur coats and the like) he was going to spend on 'worthless' experiences.

He was still going to be classy. Jeremy had lots of money to blow, and he was going to blow it. But on experiences — opera, exclusive clubs, gourmet dinners — not on things.

The mathematicians had it all figured out. From their study, they showed that gold-diggers would not stick around for experiences. They would only stay for things.

That night he went out with Suziku, a cute Japanese woman who worked for Sony. It went splendidly. She was engaged by his exciting tales of venture capitalism. He adored her demure nature and lack of interest in drinking expensive champagne. In fact, Suziku didn't eat anything. Perfect.

They arranged to go out again, and Jeremy was thrilled, at least as thrilled as his shallow soul would allow.

On the next date, he took her to the opera, and he was surprised to discover that in addition to speaking Japanese and English, she was also fluent in Italian. In fact, she translated for him, whispering in his ear at such a low level that only he could hear.

It never occurred to him that he did not feel her breath on his cheek as she did so.

This third date went even better; he walked her home and they kissed. Her lips were strange. Plasticky tasting. Was this one of those weird Japanese things — lipstick that tasted of plastic?

She invited him in; they kissed again, this time more passionately, and Jeremy thought it was odd that her tongue was completely dry. But by then, he was not thinking clearly. His shallow bastard had come to the fore, and he wanted only one thing. She led him to her bedroom, where she undressed for him, clumsily, but adorably so.

His excitement turned to fascinated horror as he gazed upon Suziku's nether-regions; it was like he was a kid again, sneaking a look his sister's Barbie doll. There was nothing there but smooth plastic. Suziku was some kind of advanced gynoid!

Jeremy figured would just have to make do — nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Originally inspired by:Japanese develop 'female' android, and more about gynoids at Wikipedia here. | Worthless dating tips. Cool photo, "Are you real" by cazucito. Yes, originally published in 2005!

More special Valentine's Day cards

Still more cards from the Grandfig collection to help you celebrate a fake holiday!

Alltop doesn't care if it's fake. It likes all the chocolate. Originally published in 2007.

Special Valentine's Day Cards

A few cards from our Toulouse Le Grandfig collection, to help you celebrate this special day this year:

Alltop is in love with your brother, which is weird, 'cause it's a blog aggregator! Originally published when all we had was black and white and red, in 2007.

Nudels

When her friends invited her to the Harry Harrison Make Room! Make Room! Noodle Bar, Stacy expected a fun night out. Perhaps they would drink too much sake, eat some noodles tinted with green dye (that they would jokingly call "soylent green") and forget about the tiny zombies rampaging through the city.

To her horror, she was presented with tofu.

More terrifying tofu here. Thanks to Betenoir for the photo.

Man Watches The Hunt for Red October 105 Times, Decides It's Not that Good

LONDON, ONTARIO (The Skwib) — After a courageous five weeks, Terry Bakker has abandoned his New Year's Resolution to watch The Hunt for Red October every time it comes on TV.

"I had no idea how often TBS, Spike and American Movie Classics play this God-damned movie," an enraged Bakker told The Skwib.

"I hate quitting anything, but I just can't take it anymore. I've had to watch it 105 times. That averages to more than three times a day. On Saturday I had to watch it five times. I didn't get any fucking sleep! Do you have any idea it takes to watch a two-hour movie on TBS after midnight? Four-and-three-quarter hours!"

Bakker made the resolution at a New Year's Eve party after doing six rounds of Jägermeister shots, and declaring to everyone gathered that The Hunt for Red October was a "freakin' cinematic masterpiece."

Party host and designated driver Patrick Whalen asked if Bakker would care to back that up with a New Year's Resolution and an accompanying bet.

"I honestly didn't think Terry was that drunk. Or that he'd do it," Whalen said. "So, he's definitely lost the bet. Not that I'm going to hold him to it."

If he didn't succeed in watching the 1990 film starring Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin, Bakker promised to shave his head with a cheese-grater and a pair of toenail clippers.

Based on a Tom Clancy novel, the story follows Jack Ryan (Baldwin) as he tries to help Captain Marko Ramius (Connery) defect with the Soviet Union's newest ballistic missile submarine, the Red October, which has a silent propulsion system that uses caterpillars in some way.

"I'd much rather shave my head than listen to Sean Connery masticate another syllable. The scars will heal. I mean, he's supposed to be Lithuanian, so what's with the accent? I know he only has the one accent, but God! And what the fuck is going on with the rest of the Russian crew? Some of them sound like Mr. Chekov from Star Trek: 'Captain, we are on a nucwear wessel,' and some of them sound like winners of the British Upper Class Twit of the Year Contest. And don't get me started on Connery's eyebrows. Those things just freak me out."

The makers of the infamous digestif, Mast-Jägermeister AG, declined to comment.

IMDB entry on The Hunt for Red October | These people are suspected of multiple jägerbombing atrocities. Originally published in January 2008.

Ask General Kang: I really don't understand quantum mechanics — is there any hope for my marriage? Also I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me with a vampire.

I think your marriage is safe, as long as you can do two things.

First of all, you HAVE to wrap your head around Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. Here's the easy way to understand it: basically, the simultaneous determination of both the position and momentum of a particle each has an inherent uncertainty, the product of these being not less than a known constant.

In other words, you don't know WHAT you've done wrong, and if you did know what you'd done wrong, you wouldn't know WHEN you did it wrong.

Second of all, you have to tackle the other issue head-on. Invite the vampire over for dinner. When it's time for desert, tell your undead guest that you're having banana cream pie. Make a big deal about it. Say you took all day to make it, how much the werewolf you play pick-up road hockey likes your banana cream pie, and so on.

Go get the pie, and when you bring it in, pretend to trip and put the pie right in his face. Then when he's wiping pie out of his eyes, stab him through the heart with a wooden stake. (Real wood, no Formica.)

Or you could just shoot him with kind of crossbow when he comes through the front door. (Wooden bolt, no aluminum!)

Next time: I have a related question: There is a plague of zombies in my town. Can you recommend a good exterminator?
Alltop hates getting stabbed with Formica. Originally published in 2005.

And now for the traditional sitting down of the Americans …

…in a Bavarian restaurant. I'm not sure how I never saw this Python sketch before, but I'm sure happy to present it to you now.

Click here to view the embedded video.

You can see it on YouTube if the embeddy thing gives it to you in the mush.

Alltop loves a good defenestration.

Marvellous Hairy excerpt … the monkeyization begins (3)

This week I'd like to give you, my curious Skwib readers, a chance to preview some other parts of my second novel, Marvellous Hairy. You can find all of Chapter 1 here. Chapter 2 is not suitable for this PG-rated blog. (So know you know you want to

Marvellous Hairy excerpt … the monkeyization begins (2)

This week I'd like to give you, my generous Skwib readers, a chance to preview some other parts of my second novel, Marvellous Hairy. You can find all of Chapter 1 here. Chapter 2 is not suitable for this PG-rated blog. (So know you know you want to

Marvellous Hairy excerpt … the monkeyization begins (1)

This week I'd like to give you, my loyal Skwib readers, a chance to preview some other parts of my second novel, Marvellous Hairy. You can find all of Chapter 1 here. Chapter 2 is not suitable for this PG-rated blog. (So know you know you want to