Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 40

Best Muay Thai Books

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I found out the hard way that trying to learn Muay Thai from a book is not always such a swell idea. Before I began attending lessons at Sitsonpeenong a couple of years ago I invested my money in a couple of books and tried to follow the instructions on how to perform the techniques. Of course the outcome was that I picked up bad habits that I’m still trying to unlearn. I don’t believe that it is possible to learn any marital arts this way, but I have gained a great deal of knowledge from the material. Here are the best Muay Thai books that I have come across so far:

Muay Thai: A Living Legacy

I bought Muay Thai: A Living Legacy Vol 1., 2nd Ed.by Lesley D. Junlakan from Asia Books in Bangkok. I notice that it is significantly cheaper to buy here in Thailand. I love this book. It is the sort of thing that you would want to keep on your coffee table. It is packed full of superb photos and information, and it covers everything. It is the nearest thing that I’ve seen to an encyclopaedia of Muay Thai. If I was only allowed to keep one of my Muay Thai books then this would be the one.

A Fighter’s Heart

A Fighter’s Heart: One Man’s Journey Through the World of Fighting by Sam Sheridan is an excellent memoir that follows his journey as a martial artist. There are only a few chapters devoted to his time learning Muay Thai in Thailand, but he provides a colourful description. I sort of wish that he had written a book purely devoted to Muay Thai, but I wasn’t disappointed with the rest of the book. I also read The Fighter’s Mind: Inside the Mental Gameby the same author and that contains plenty of interesting information.

Fighting Strategies of Muay Thai: Secrets of Thailand’s Boxing Camps

Fighting Strategies Of Muay Thai: Secrets of Thailand’s Boxing Campsby Mark Van Schuyver and Pedro Solana Villalobos was the first book that I bought. I have the kindle version. I did learn a great deal from this manual even though much of the material is aimed at the more advanced student. The authors provided plenty of information about what to expect when you begin training Muay Thai. The thing that I found most useful was the chapters on fight strategy and the type of fighters that I would be likely to be up against. I still have not managed to get anywhere near ready to enter a fight, but these chapters helped me understand what is involved in sparring.

Muay Thai Sport

I bought the Thai and English version of Muay Thai Sportby Somboon Tapina. It contains plenty of solid information about Muay Thai technique along with other useful information. It comes with clear photographs demonstrating how each technique should be performed – although as I said above it is probably not a good idea to depend too completely on any book for learning these moves.

The Fighter’s Body: An Owner’s Manual: Your Guide to Diet, Nutrition, Exercise and Excellence in the Martial Arts

The Fighter’s Body: An Owner’s Manual: Your Guide to Diet, Nutrition, Exercise and Excellence in the Martial Artsby Loren W. Christensen and Wim Demeere is not aimed specifically at Muay Thai Fighters, but it has a great deal of useful information. One of the main problems I had with my attempt to train for a fight was getting my weight down. The owner of Sitsongpeenong advised that I see a nutrition expert here in Bangkok, and that helped a great deal. I also gained a deeper level of understanding by reading this book.

Muay Thai Fighter

I know that I’m being a bit cheeky here by including my own book Muay Thai Fighter in this best books list but it is my blog. This is a humorous account of what happens when a middle aged coward tried to take on Muay Thai in Thailand. If you find Mr Bean amusing then you might like this as well.

This is nowhere near a comprehensive list, but that’s the limits of my reading journey so far in this martial art. If you guys have any more suggestions for good Muay Thai books send me a review, and I will add it on here.

I originally posted this on my Middle Aged Muay Thai site

I am Done with Forced Self Development

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I’m far from perfect, but I’m really starting to think that forced self development is a waste of my time. I fear that the striving to be somebody better is counterproductive because it means rejecting what I am now. I’ve also noticed that the artificial self development tends to be shallow and short lived. It differs from the real self development that occurs naturally by dealing with reality – this is life changing and permanent. My biggest fear is that the forced type of self development, the stuff that comes from self help books and spiritual texts, may actually be a means to avoid the real self development that occurs when I jump headlong into life.

The Universe Knows How to Get Me into Shape

The universe is a superb teacher. Modern educators might say that this crude carrot and stick approach is a bit old fashioned and harsh, but there is no doubting its effectiveness. If you refuse to learn the lessons that life sends your way, it will turn on the pain. Life will relentlessly beat you down until you become teachable. The universe is a patient teacher, and it is prepared to wait decades for the student to pass a lesson – you can remain caught in a rut like addiction and there is no escape until you are ready to progress.

I’m convinced that the universe was designed in such a way as to encourage conscious beings to develop their potential. I don’t pretend to know the reason for this, and it can be fun to speculate. Even if I’m wrong about the universe being created to promote development it doesn’t matter because that is the way things work. In order to progress in life I need to fit in with reality. I know this for a fact because of my years of trying to go against the stream. So even if the universe is not created to be a teacher for all practical purposes it does function in this role for humans. When we fit in with reality our life becomes easier, but when we fight against it things turn to shit.

Artificial Self Development is a Waste of Time But…

I think the Buddha was a really smart guy, but the advice he gave that is most applicable in my life now were there in his last words – be a lamp unto yourself . It is important to hear what the wise teachers have to say, but I feel at the end of the day we are all on our own journey. I will still read spiritual texts and maybe even occasionally purchase the latest must-have-self-help book, but I now view this almost as a type of entertainment. Unless I become wise there is no real way for me to judge the wisdom of anyone else. My teacher is the universe, and I’m confident that any self development that needs to take place will come from the ups and downs of being alive. I’ll still meditate because this is something that I enjoy doing, but I no longer expect it to make me a better person – life will take care of that.

Nothing is Wrong and There is Nowhere Better to Go

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There is nothing that I should be doing right now other than what I am doing. My only task is to get the most out of each day – that is it. I am where I need to be.

Even when things are going smoothly for me I can still have this uneasy feeling that prevents me from fully relaxing. There is this inner disharmony that is based on the nagging idea that I should be doing something else or something more. This means that when I’m relaxing it feels like I’m slacking off, and it can be a struggle to convince myself that nothing is wrong.

When Striving Becomes a Habit

I don’t know when I first began treating life as an endurance race but long enough for it to become part of my normal thinking pattern. This striving originates from the belief that I’m somehow broken, or inadequate, and that I therefore need to be fixed. It is the idea that my happiness is over the next hill top, and if I strive hard enough I’ll get there faster. It is this inner sense of urgency to get somewhere else that prevents me from appreciating what I have right now. It has taken me a long time to grasp the truth that there is nowhere better to get to – if I can’t be content now then when can I be content?

I can see now that striving to get somewhere better and be someone different is the source of much of my suffering. This realisation is as powerful and important as it once was for me to admit that my drinking was out of control but understanding is not enough to cure me. This inner sense of striving can be as difficult to deal with as my alcohol cravings. I have to keep on reminding myself that there is nothing wrong, and that I don’t need to be doing anything different. Like all bad habits it will take time to overcome, but it is something that is achievable, and I will achieve it – my sanity depends on it.

No Need to Strive

Chasing happiness makes as much sense as chasing clouds on a pogo stick. Happiness is something that comes to us at those moments when we are still and fully involved in the moment. It is just one of the many emotions that are part of life’s wonderful tapestry, and the belief that we should feel like this all the time is the fast track to misery. Searching for happiness is like looking for friends while walking around waving a shotgun – it sends what we are looking for scampering in the opposite direction.

There is also no need to strive to become a better person, and it may be this striving that is preventing us from reaching our potential. The idea that we are broken, and therefore need fixing, is a form of self torture as well as a waste of time. Who is this person that we want to be? So long as we are willing to face life, and learn from our mistakes, there is no need for any further self development. If the universe isn’t kicking our arse at the moment we can relax and just enjoy the show – we can trust that things will get tough again when we are due another growth spurt.

My Goals for 2013

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I’m a bit late posting my goals for 2013, but this holiday to Ireland has really put me into a reflective mood. Over the last three weeks I’ve walked over 200 km, and this has provided me with a wonderful opportunity to get things into perspective. I’m making significant progress with my approach to living. There has been a radical overhaul in my way of thinking about things, and I’m excited about what this will mean for my future. I’ve discovered a path to inner peace that works for me – something that I’ve been searching for all of my life but always looking in the wrong places.

My Guidebook for Living

I’ve talked about this before on here, but I’m in the process of writing my guidebook for living. This is a book for me and written by me. It is going to be my bible going forward in life – although I won’t be writing anything in stone. This book is going to contain my manifesto for living, and I’m going to use it to guide me in the future. It will be sort of like my version of the Lonely Planet, and I’ll be constantly dipping into it in response to the ups and downs that are sure to come.

All the wisdom in my guidebook for living has been gained through my own personal experience, and I will not allow anything inside it that might be considered fluff. I also have no interest in quoting the great teachers and prophets. I’ve found that knowledge and wise sayings have their place, but they are practically useless to me until I’ve gained the experience that proves to me that they are undeniably true. My blueprint for living is based on two important assumptions:

* My life has a real purpose and so does the universe.

* Life is an impenetrable mystery, but this is what makes it so wonderful – anything is possible. It is reasonable for me to create my own guidebook for living because it is the process of being alive that is the greatest teacher.

I am writing this guidebook for me, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever show it to anyone else. Maybe we would all be better if we wrote our own guidebook. I am convinced that by mastering my own life, it will put me in a better position to help other people. Most of my suffering so far in my journey has been due to self obsession, so helping other people has to play an important part in my future. I did consider returning to a career in nursing (I’m a qualified nurse), but I still believe that it will be possible for me to help people in other ways. Ultimately I want to spend more time counselling those who are dealing with addiction and other life problems.

My Goals for 2013

My goal for 2013 is to complete the core of my guidebook for living. It will never really be fully complete as I’ll adapt it to any future changes in my thinking. In a post a couple of weeks ago I listed my ten commandments, and I had hoped that these would form the basis of my blueprint for living, but my thinking has moved on since then. I can see that at least some of these rules are too vague and muddled. It is going to take a good deal of work to create something that will deserve the title of my handbook to life. When it is complete though, it will be my ultimate achievement in regards to my own personal development as a human.

I’m tantalizingly close to finding my own inner peace and this will put me in a better position to help others. There are already too many of us trying to help other people even though we are still not right in our own skin – a case of ‘do as I say and not as I do’. I want to guide other humans to a more fulfilling way of living because this is what I’ve achieved. I find it absurd that those of us who have not achieved real contentment in our own life should be advising other people on how to do this.

Last year I had a long list of goals that I wanted to achieve in 2012, but I don’t feel the need to do this now. I know that I’m back on track, and that life is going to take me where I need to go – this means that I can just enjoy the ride without trying to control things too much.

I have been concerned about my son’s future, and whether it would be better for him to grow up in Thailand or Ireland. I’ve had a great time back home in Dublin, it was so nice to spend time with my family here, but it still feels as if Thailand is the right place for us. I’m certainly not ruling the option of returning to Ireland out completely, but it is unlikely to occur in the immediate future. The wonderful thing about life though, is that you never know where it is going to take you next.

Happy (Belated) New Year Everyone!

Life is Great When I Stop Trying to Micromanage the Universe

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So here we are at the end of 2012. It has been a tough year for me, but I’m certain that a great deal of good has come out of this discomfort. I feel excited about 2013 because I know that my success this year is completely in my own hands – not because I’m able to micromanage the universe but because I have finally accepted that real inner peace comes from liking what I’ve got now and not what I want in the future.

I am back in Ireland at the moment, and it has been so nice to be here during December. This could be my son’s only experience of an Irish Christmas so we made the most out of it – we all had a great time. We return to Thailand next week and I expect to feel a bit of sadness because the holiday wasn’t a bit longer (from experience I know that this is the best feeling to have when leaving home, and it sure beats leaving under a cloud and swearing that you’ll never return again).

I’ve been walking about three hours a day, and this has given me a great opportunity to do a bit of a personal inventory. In this video I discuss some of the things that I’ve concluded. You will find the podcast of this episode under the video – just press play.

Happy New Year Friends!

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Powerful Dream Lesson on Letting Go

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I’ve no problem paying lip service to the idea of letting go. On an intellectual level I understand that it is always going to be best to just go with the flow and stop trying to micro-manage the universe. The reality is that almost all of the important lessons in my life have been gained through suffering. It has been due to this pain, that comes from doing things the wrong way, that I’ve been forced to adapt better ways for coping with life.

It is not good enough that I know intellectually that letting go of things beyond my control makes sense. I’m stubborn and the wisdom has to be really beaten into me before it takes hold and changes the way I act. This is why I’ve become a tiny bit sceptical about things like self help and spiritual development books. For me at least, reading wise things is pleasurable, and I’ll probably always engage in this activity, but it doesn’t have much of an effect on my long term behaviour. It is learning through experience that forces me to adapt. Maybe the best that other people’s wisdom can do his help me make sense of it all.

Learning Lessons in Dreams

I’m now finding that it is not always necessary for me to suffer a great deal in real life in order to produce significant change in the way I deal with the world. I can gain the experience I need in other ways. Over the last week I’ve had this recurring dream, and I’m convinced that it has caused a shift in my thinking. Something real has changed for me, and I’ll never be the same again. The lesson of this dream was on letting go – although it took me a bit of time to figure that out.

I keep a dream journal, but I don’t put much effort into analysing the content. Over the last week though, I kept on having the same dream, and it was disturbing enough for me to think back on it when I woke up. I guessed that this dream contained an important lesson, and this is why it kept on repeating. Looking back now the message is so obvious, but it took a couple of long walks before it finally clicked.

The dream involves a simple incident. The exact event never took place in reality, but there were similar events, and I can definitely identify with the strong emotional aspect of this dream.

I’m in a relationship with this girl, and I’m obsessed with her. We share a group of friends, but they are more her friends than my friends. She tells me that she wants to go somewhere for the day with one of the lads from this group. It is an innocent enough request, but I’m horrified because I know that if she goes with him they are going to have an affair. I get angry, and I try all types of manipulative tactics (sulking, tantrums, accusations…) to stop her from going. I feel bad doing this because I know that my behaviour is unreasonable. All of our friends think I’m being a jealous prick, but I just know that if they go on this trip they are going to have an affair. In the end I give her an ultimatum, if she goes anywhere alone with this guy we’re finished, but she calls my bluff. I am in the depths of misery and my world is spiralling out of control.

I woke up from this dream the first time still feeling upset by it. During my years as a drunk I was that guy in the dream. I felt so insecure in my relationships. If the truth be told, I didn’t really have relationships but instead took hostages. I lay in bed thinking about how I should have behaved. Maybe I could have just tried to reason with her in an honest way? I could have explained my fears calmly, and perhaps we could have made a bargain – maybe she would have agreed not to go with this guy? This still didn’t feel like the right solution, but what else could I do? It was either that or just allow her to make a fool out of me without putting up any resistance.

I had the same dream again the night before last, so I knew that my solution to the situation was on the wrong track. Trying to be honest about my feelings was certainly an improvement, but it still boiled down to me trying to manipulate this other person into doing what I wanted them to. I woke up yesterday again disturbed by this dream. I went for a long walk around a local park, and it was there that the only real solution to the situation became obvious. All I could realistically do in this dream scenario was to let go – not because it was spiritually or ethically the right thing to do but because it was the path of least suffering.

The truth was that there was nothing that I could do to stop this girl from having an affair if that is what she wanted to do. If I got angry, and gave her ultimatums, it would just drive her away faster. I would not only lose her as a romantic partner but also as a friend, and my behaviour would also probably mean that I’d lose the friends we shared because they would see me as a jealous prick. Worst of all, I would be mentally fucked up as my self esteem would take a nose dive, and the reality of my powerless in this situation would drive me into a deep depression. Trying to be honest might delay her affair and save the friendship, but I’d still take a hit to my self esteem and end up feeling depressed because of my inability to control the object of my obsession.

The only option in this situation is to let go. Maybe she will have an affair and maybe she won’t, but there is nothing that I can do either way. This other person is not an extension of me, so I’ve no real control over them. If I try to manipulate them into following my will it can only lead to suffering. By letting go I escape with my self esteem intact because I can see that my self worth never actually depended on my ability to control this other person. Also by letting go here I will dodge weeks or months of depression because the reality that I’m powerless over this other person won’t come as such a shock. Sure, I’m bound to feel a bit upset if she does have an affair and leaves me, but I will be able to let go of that too. Life goes on.

The Real Lesson On Letting Go

I was near the end of my walk yesterday when the full realisation of the dream hit me. The message wasn’t about relationships at all – it was about my life up until now. My two decades of alcohol addiction were all about trying to aggressively manipulating the universe into meeting my expectations. I kept on giving ultimatums to life, but it just kept on calling my bluff. Eventually I was forced to admit my powerlessness, and six and a half years ago I was able to give up my addiction to alcohol. I then moved onto a much better approach to living. I became far more reasonable and instead of demanding that the universe meet my desires I tried to negotiate with it – I’ll behave nicely, but I expect my life to go as I plan. This seemed to be working up until a few months ago when things stopped going the way I wanted them to, and I began to suffer again. I’d lost the golden touch, and it all seemed so unfair. After six years of being sober it felt like I was in danger of falling into depression.

It’s been a tough learning curve but my attempts to micro-manage the universe just doesn’t work. A few days ago, I put a post on here about my 10 commandments for life, and one of these was about how I do not know what is right for other people. I should have added that I also don’t know what’s best for me. The things that are most precious to me in my life were never planned – they came into my world despite of me not because of me. I can plant good seeds for the future but ultimately I’m powerless over the outcome. My job is to do the best I can each day and let the universe take care of the rest.

This is such an obvious realisation, but this wisdom has reached somewhere inside of me that it never got close to before. It has caused a shift in my thinking, and I’ve experienced this great sense of freedom. It is such a relief to know that I really don’t have to carry the world on my shoulders. My job in life is simple, and it is well within my ability – do the best I can each day and nothing more. This news is such a relief; I feel happy.

How to Overcome Financial Worry and Work Related Depression

2012 has been a year full of worry, and at times it felt certain that I would stumble into a deep depression. The trigger for all this negativity was my work and financial situation. I’ve always managed to pay my bills and put food on the table, but it is the uncertainty about the future that keeps me awake at night. Three years ago I became a full time freelance writer, and this is a career that is inherently unstable – arguably not the best choice of work for a natural worrier.

2012 was a tough year, but it was also a time of great emotional and spiritual growth for me. I’ve learned so much, and I’ve been forced to develop tools for dealing with financial worry and work related depression. I’m certain that this type of event will never again have the same power to rock my world – so all in all, 2012 has been a great year!

Worry is Such a Useless Emotion

I once gave worry the benefit of the doubt. I reasoned that it could motivate me to take positive action. This is nonsense. The reality is that worry paralyses me and limits my ability to think straight. Worry is nasty and vile, and it has no redeeming features. It is a useless emotion that wants to drag me down and keep me down. It is my nemesis and we will never be friends.

This year I found out the hard way that ignoring worry just doesn’t work for me. I tried to force myself to be positive, but this turned out to be a form of denial. My attempt to hide from worry, by using positive thinking, was exactly the same as trying to hide from worry by drinking myself stupid with alcohol. The worry just remained there eating away at me while I turned a blind eye to it. I found that the secret to winning this battle was to face my fears. The real positive thinking is not about hiding from life but is about chasing monsters and slaying the fuckers. The secret to overcoming worry then is to learn how to love this chase and to get out of bed each morning with the attitude:

Cool, another exciting day of monster slaying – bring it on fuckers.

Re- Engineering the Fuck It Button

Those people who have never been addicted to alcohol or drugs will usually have trouble understanding how someone like me could remain caught in addiction for years and years. I can’t speak for anyone else, but the way I justified that life was that I had an in-built fuck it button. During my years of addiction I saw life as ultimately meaningless, so there didn’t seem much point in putting too much effort into it. With this type of negative attitude there was no reason not to spend my time drunk. This fuck it button almost killed me but now I’ve re-engineered it to help me overcome worry.

I could drop dead at any time – we all could. There are so many things that could go wrong on any given day that making it sane and intact to bedtime is a bit of an achievement. When I look at things this way it seems obvious that each new day is a bonus. Sure, things could go wrong, but there is also a great deal that could go right. There is lots that I can do to increase the chances of it being a good day, so why not just say “fuck it” and do the very best I can?

That’s all life it is – an adventure where I get up each morning to slay a few more monsters. To make things a bit more exciting I want juicy challenges – after all, where is the fun in chasing monsters that just roll over and die as soon as you get near them? If I make it to bedtime each day I’ve done my bit. There is no point in trying to slay tomorrow’s monsters today because they don’t exist yet. If I can become someone who happens to enjoy slaying monsters than I’ve got myself the perfect life right there.

My Tips for Overcoming Financial Worry and Work Related Depression

Here are my tips for overcoming financial worry and work related depression:

- All that is expected of us in life is that we try our best.

- It is the ups and downs of life that keep things interesting.

- Worry is a shit head, and it is also a crafty fucker that will destroy us even when we try to hide from it. The best way to defeat worry is to change our perspective on the things that act as fuel for this worry. This means facing our fears with enthusiasm and a “bring it on” attitude.

- Ups and downs are a fact of life and there is no getting away from them. The only way to be truly happy is to learn how to enjoy the ebb and flow.

- Choose to believe that life has meaning, and that things happen for a reason. The game is more fun when we believe that it is going somewhere. If we don’t believe in an ultimate purpose for life there seems little point in playing the game.

- Nobody is getting out of life alive, so it is probably best not to take the game (our ourselves) too seriously. If there is an afterlife it is likely to be a different game with new rules.

- Each day is another chance to play. Enjoy the journey – there is no reason not to.

- We are the heroes in our own story, and the more challenges we face the better the story we have to tell. It can be helpful to think of ourselves as dragon slayers fighting a noble cause – it works for me anyway.

My Ten Commandments

As I mentioned in my last post, this trip to Ireland has turned out to be a great chance to reflect on my life. I’ve been thinking about the things that are important to me. I came up with these 10 commandments for living:

1. I need to develop enthusiasm for both the ups and the downs of life. A full life includes both of these and most suffering occurs when I resist this reality.

2. I’m committed to thinking more about other people – self absorption is the cause of so much of my suffering.

3. I refuse to allow worry to take over my thinking. There is no benefit to worry, and it just makes me less effective when something bad does happen. Some of the worst things that happen occur without any real warning, and most worry is all about fighting windmills (getting mentally messed up over things that aren’t real).

4. I’m committed to holding onto all beliefs and opinions lightly because life is a mystery. I’ve concluded that nobody really knows what’s going on and even if they do I’ve no way of judging their claims. It is the underlying mystery of life that makes the universe so wonderful. Doubt is a great gift because it keeps me humble and in awe.

5. I fully acknowledge that I do not know what is best for other people. I appreciate that we are all on our own path, and I don’t need other people to be wrong for me to be right. I do not need to change other people in order for me to be content and at peace.

6. The core of my belief system is that anything is possible. This means that I believe in magic and by doing so live in a magical world.

7. The ups and downs of living are to be expected, but when suffering persists it is usually sign that I’ve gone off the rails. This means that steps will need to be taken for me to get back on track, or I can look forward to an indefinite bumpy ride. Long periods of inner peace is the sign that I’m on the right track in life.

8. Positive thinking is a powerful tool, but it can be used in a destructive manner. If I refuse to acknowledge my worries and concerns it means that positive thinking becomes a form of denial. The key then is to be committed to positive thinking while acknowledging worries and concerns.

9. I am not broken, and I do not need to be fixed. The belief that there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed is the cause of much of my uneasiness in life. There is always room for improvement, but I’m already acceptable as a human.

10. Everything that I need to develop my potential will appear as part of the ups and downs of life. This means that getting up each day and dealing with life on life’s terms is my real spiritual practice. I practice techniques like meditation because I enjoy them, but when it comes to developing as a human they may be surplus to requirements.

Finding My Path in Ireland

It is hard to believe but we have already been back in Ireland for 10 days. It would be nice to slow this holiday right down because there is so much more that I want to fit in. I’m so enjoying spending time with my family and sleeping in my childhood home. I don’t even mind that it is cold, dark, and wet most of the time – it is a pleasant change from the constant heat of Thailand. In the evenings I go for long walks, and this has given me a great opportunity to reflect on my past, my current situation, and where I want things to go in the future. I’d been hoping that this trip would give me the chance to re-evaluate my life, and this is proving to be the case.

My Struggles in 2012

I can see now that 2012 hasn’t been such a great year for me. There were definitely plenty of highlights and nothing really bad happened, but I just haven’t been feeling right internally. At times it has even felt like I’ve been sliding towards depression – something that I never believed could happen to me after giving up alcohol over six years ago. The truth is that I’ve somehow lost my way and unless I can get back on track my life will continue to be a bumpy ride. My long walks here in Ireland are given me the opportunity to see where I’ve gone wrong. The fog that has been clouding my thinking is lifting, and I’m beginning to feel excited about the future again.

This probably sounds naive, or even egotistical, but there is a path that I’m meant to follow in life. I’ve no idea who or what decided that I should follow this path, but I do know that when I go off track my life begins to turn to shit, and it stays that way until I find my way back. When I’m on the right track I still have bad days, but these are just the normal ups and downs of life. I can have good days when I’m off track but overall there is a downward movement. I was on the wrong path for almost two decades of my life, so I’m fairly expert at how it feels. The obvious sign that I’m on the right path is that I enjoy a great sense of inner peace – an inner strength that means I can deal with anything that life throws at me. I enjoyed this sense of serenity for the first five years of my recover from addiction, but during these last few months it has been mostly replaced with doubt and worry. I still have my good days but serenity is no longer my normal mode of operation.

Getting Back on Track

One of the most significant things in my life occurred during my mid-twenties. I was living in a third stage alcohol rehab facility, and the therapist cajoled me into doing some voluntary work with kids with severe learning difficulties. I reluctantly agreed to do this, and it turned out to be completely life changing. I took to this type of work like a duck to water (sorry for the cliché). The most amazing thing was that it was the most powerful therapy I’d ever encountered. One of the reasons the therapist suggested this work was that she felt that I was about to relapse, and that I needed to do something drastic to get me outside of my head. Who would have thought that getting me to focus on other people would turn out to be the thing that saved me?

When I returned to the rehab after my first day volunteering my fellow ex-drunks were shocked. They kept on asking things like, “what the fuck happened to you?” My face was literally glowing, and it was the happiest I’d ever been in my life. I felt such great inner peace, and I knew that I’d found my path. It was because of this that I decided to go back to college and train to be a nurse. It seems that I’m only truly happy when I’m trying to help other people. It was shortly after this that I had this amazing spiritual experience that has also had a huge impact on my life.

I loved working as a nurse, and I do get days when I really miss it, but my path has led me to working as a writer. For a long time this has felt completely right, but this last year I’ve become less satisfied with this way of life. The work that I get from clients is what puts the food on the table, but I spend most of the time writing about things I’ve no interest in. I’m happiest when I’m writing blog posts about addiction and spiritual things, but by the time I’ve completed work for clients there is little time for this type of writing. This has led to me feeling a bit down about my career, and this further saps my energy for writing. I no longer even feel like a writer – just a small business owner who happens to write.

I have had people question my need to keep talking and writing about addiction. After all, I claim that my alcohol problems are behind me, so why do I need to keep banging on about this issue? The reality is that I need to do this because it makes me happy. It gives me the chance to focus on other people, and try to help them out. I get emails every week from those struggling with addiction problems, and I never look upon writing my replies as a chore – I’m honoured that people would consider me worthy of offering them advice. I do believe that my experience as a drunk and as a nurse puts me in a good position to offer advice. I’ve faithfully tried to deal with my problems in an open way, and maybe my experiences can help other people. From my side of things it might not even matter – the selfish reality is that it is trying to help other people that gives me inner peace and not necessary the fact that my efforts do ultimately help them. Of course, I do genuinely want to be of service, and I believe that I have been, but I’m just being honest here.

The solution to getting back on track is obvious. I need to find more time to focus on writing content that is going to be of value to other people – particularly people who are struggling in life. I know what it is like to live in a world of shit, and I know how to escape this world. I want to spend more time sharing my experiences – that is what makes me happy, and that is my path.

Thamkrabok Temple – Meditation from Buddhist and Christian Perspectives Meeting

There is going to be a one day event at Thamkrabok Temple (Saraburi Thailand) on Saturday January 6th 2013. I will be one of the speakers, but the star attractions will include the abbot from Thamkrabok (Phra Ajahn Boonsong) and the director of the world community of Christian meditation (Father Lawrence Freeman). Other speakers will include; Mike Sarson, Dr Vanessa Crawford, Julian Gryp , and Sarah Sowinska. The focus of this forum will be on how the vow of recovery can lead people to a full and flourishing life.

Here is the pamphlet for the event – please click on it so you see it more clearly.