Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 39

You Relapse Because You are an Alcoholic So Stop Being an Alcoholic

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I’ve met plenty of people who have managed to move from being an alcoholic to being a “recovering alcoholic”. These individuals have found something that works for them, and they can inspire other people to do the same. I’m not directing this post at those folks who have made a good life as a recovering alcoholic, but at those people who keep on relapsing because they believe they are an alcoholic. I was once one of these people .

Why I Gave Up Being an Alcoholic

This idea of being a “recovering alcoholic” did not work for me. It meant that during those times when I did manage to stay sober, it felt like I was hanging on for dear life. I embraced the story that alcoholism is an incurable disease with gusto because it gave me a free pass to keep on messing up in life. It meant that I could turn around to loved ones, usually after I relapsed, and tell them, “of course, I’m drinking again I’m an alcoholic – duh” without the slightest sense of shame. It meant that whether I was drinking or not drinking my life revolved around alcohol.

I managed to quit alcohol for 2 years during my twenties with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have some great memories from that time, and I met some wonderful people. I still have a great deal of respect for that program, but I also know that being a “recovering alcoholic” does not work for me. I tried to buy into the idea that all I could hope for was a daily reprieve, but this kept the door open for alcohol, and it meant that I never felt truly free. I felt grateful to be sober, but there was also this uneasiness that comes from holding beliefs that just weren’t right for me. The truth about the “I’m an alcoholic ”story is that it can be used just as easily to justify being a drunk as it can to help people recover from this life.

If Defeating Alcoholism is Proving Too Hard, Just Stop Being a Drunk

I found that being a recovering alcoholic involved way too much hard work. I eventually discovered a solution that worked perfectly for me – I stopped being a drunk. This meant that walking away from addiction became easy, and I’ve never looked back. I went from struggling for two decades with alcoholism to it just being something that I don’t do anymore. I no more believe that I have a daily reprieve from alcoholism, than I believe that I have a daily reprieve from sticking my hand in the fire. I gave up being an alcoholic and everything that went with it – my life has become so much better as a result.

I still sometimes suggest to people that they give groups like Alcoholics Anonymous a try – it might just be the thing that works for them. It is obvious to me though, that being a “recovering alcoholic” is not something that works for everyone. I’m directing this post to those folks who are going through what I went through. I’m suggesting that those individuals who keep relapsing because they are an alcoholic should try not being an alcoholic. They may be amazed at how successful this approach can be for them.

Addiction to Stories Causes Suffering at Thamkrabok Temple

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Yesterday I went back to Thamkrabok Temple to give a talk about my experiences in recovery. It turned out to be an enjoyable day, and I got to meet some really nice people. I had the opportunity to speak about myself for a full 50 minutes without any interruptions – for somebody as self obsessed as me, this is pure gold. My talk seemed to go down well; nobody offered me a world speaking tour, but they didn’t boo me off the stage either – so I’ll call that a win.

Perfect Example of My Addiction to Stories

My talk was scheduled for after the lunch break. Everyone else went off to enjoy the free food provided by the monks, but I decided to stay behind in the hall and just relax. I’d already eaten a large breakfast, and I just fancied some time alone before the talk. My decision to stay there felt reasonable enough initially, but then all these stories began to form in my mind. I could imagine the other participants talking about what I was up to or thinking bad things about me. Maybe they would see me as unsociable or possibly even a weirdo for staying alone during the break? Perhaps they would think that I’d gone from alcohol addiction to some type of eating disorder? Then the most horrible idea of all entered my head, maybe the other participants suspected that I was up there going through their bags and stealing their stuff!

Instead of enjoying this chance to be alone before the talk I actually began to feel uptight and anxious, but then the ridiculousness of what I was thinking hit me. There is no way for me to know what these other people are thinking, and it was doubtful that any of them were wasting much of their lunch wondering about what I was up to – I am a complete stranger to most of them. I actually burst out laughing at the silliness of these made-up stories, but I could also see the seriousness of what had just happened. These nonsense ideas have been the bane of my life, and they are the cause of my suffering. It was my stories that led me willingly into the life of a habitual drunk and kept me there. I have been addicted to these stories, and it is this that has been responsible for all the shit in my life.

I managed to nip these nonsense stories in the bud within a few minutes – it sort of felt like catching a naughty child (my thoughts) up to mischief. This is something that I’ve become much better at recently and long may it continue. I managed to relax and enjoy the lunch break, and I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about not going with the others. I had no urge to justify myself or reassure the other participants that I hadn’t stolen their stuff while they were away. Nobody seemed in the least bit bothered by my absence at lunch, and I doubt if many of them noticed. All those stories were buds of pain that only ever existed inside of my head. As Radiohead once sang:

You do it to yourself, you do and that’s what really hurts.

Is that you do it to yourself. Just you and no one else

The Stories That Can Destroy My Life

This addiction to stories seems to be a human trait. It is not so much that these stories are bad, but that we become so convinced by them. I’ve found that the anecdote to this addiction is letting go of the idea that I can trust these stories. This doesn’t mean that I’m trying to act like some type of spiritual person which is just another type of story. It means that I become humble and vulnerable enough to admit that I don’t really know shit about anything. It means understanding that it is these beliefs that come between me and what is really there.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it is my doubts and not my beliefs that lead me from suffering. The beliefs are just stories about how I think things are or how they should be, but they are always going to do a poor job of describing something that is so mysterious and beyond words. It does seem to be necessary for me to use these stories to help me navigate through life, but the problem starts when I forget that they are just stories. I now accept that most of my thoughts (maybe all of my thoughts) are just made up stories, but this is OK so long as I know this. It is when I swallow these stories, hook, line, and sinker, that the shit starts.

Yesterday I could have gone to Thamkrabok with this story in my head about me being the returning hero – something I’ve been guilty of before. Then when the people failed to fit in with my story, by not making what I considered to be the appropriate amount of fuss over me, I would have felt miserable and betrayed. My silly story about how things should be would have ruined the day as it put me on a collision course of reality. I went to Thamkrabok yesterday with few expectations, and it turned out to be far more enjoyable as a result.

Real Cause of Alcoholism and Other Addictions

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Podcast and Video

I once believed it was the bad shit that happened to me that made me a drunk – that turned out to be nonsense. I then decided that my Irish culture was to blame, and that I’d been brainwashed into becoming a pisshead – this too turned out to be false. The lowest point came with the idea that my addiction was due to a sickness, and that there was something fundamentally wrong with me – thankfully that also turned out to be wrong. The cause of my addiction was my beliefs about reality, and the crazy notion that I somehow needed to be protected from it. It is this misunderstanding that was the real root of all my problems.

I discuss this topic in the video below – you can also scroll further down for the audio podcast edition

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I Do Not Need to Do Anything to Make My Life Special

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My view of reality has changed dramatically in recent weeks. I keep expecting my old ways of thinking to drag me under again, but I’m so enjoying this radical shift in my worldview and hopefully it will last. There is this persistent feeling of inner lightness; it is something that I’ve never experienced before. Even on my best days there has always been this nagging feeling that things should be better, or that I should be doing something else. When these thoughts come up now I can instantly dismiss them. There is nothing outwardly special going on, but it feels like a special time. For the first time in my life I feel comfortable with the ordinary. It is so ironic. I’ve spent most of my life trying to escape the one thing that can give me peace and make me happy.

Ordinary Life is Wonderful

I’ve devoted so much time to trying to fix and change things that it became a habit. Somewhere along the way I developed the idea that there is something wrong with reality and that it was my job to fix this. This quest to find something better than the ordinary must have began at an early age because it was this that drove me into addiction. I drank alcohol because of a desire to escape ordinariness – at least that is what I thought I was doing. In truth I’d lost touch with the ordinary long before this. I gave it away as a young child when I replaced it with beliefs about how things should be. It is so obvious to me now that I’ve just been chasing my own tail. It is like I’ve been carrying this huge wad of money but living like a pauper because I believed that I was broke.

Ordinary life is such a precious thing. It contains everything that I need to be content and satisfied. I do not have to do anything special to enjoy it to the full. There is no need for me to go and meditate in a cave for 10 years or run an ultra marathon in order to appreciate it. This precious thing is always available to me – all I have to do is stay still and stop running away from it.

Kumare – A Surprisingly Spiritual Movie

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I watched the documentary Kumare a couple of days ago and really enjoyed it despite some initial reservations. I had read positive reviews for this indie production, but the idea of a guy tricking strangers into believing that he was a guru sounded mean spirited. Mocking the spiritually inclined has become a popular sport in the media, and this documentary sounded like more of the same. Cynicism may have played some part in the motivation of the film makers, but Kumare is a surprisingly spiritual movie.

Guru Kumare

Vikram Gandhi is from the US, but he grew up in a traditionally Indian household. He seems to have become a bit disillusioned with what he saw as fake spiritual gurus coming to the west to make money. He traveled to India and decided that many of the gurus he met while there were just as fake as the ones who went to the US. These discoveries gave Vikram the idea for his documentary. He grew his hair, put on a fake Indian accent, and changed his name to Kumare. He set himself up as a guru visiting the US and soon began to accumulate followers. He filmed the whole thing.

The Teachings of Guru Kumare

There are many points during this movie when I felt myself cringing because of the actions of Kumare. He creates his own silly chants and yoga postures, and his followers are happy to follow his instructions. Some of them even claim on camera that he is the most genuine guru that they have ever met. What does this say about all those other gurus out there?

The most amazing thing about Kumare is when his teaching begins to benefit the lives of the people he comes in contact with. It is like by having a guru it gives them permission to begin improving their own lives. His success is probably due to the truth contained within his core teachings – he keeps telling his students that he is just a mirror and that the only guru they need is inside of them. He repeatedly tells these followers that he is not who they think he is, but they do not seem to even guess how much truth he is speaking at these times.

Despite being a complete fraud Kumare turns out to be a powerful teacher with a strong and meaningful message. I found three important teachings in this documentary:

• It is incredibly easy for somebody to pretend to be spiritual or enlightened.

• The fact that a guru is pretending does not prevent the people who are inspired by him or her from making real progress in their life.

• The only guru who fully deserves our trust is already inside of us now. We don’t really need any other guru.

These are teachings that have already become an important part of my thinking, but it was helpful to see them demonstrated in such a powerful way.

By the end of the movie Kumare appears to be as dependent on his students as they are on him. He struggles to reveal his true identity, and it is a bit upsetting to watch. It is this revelation though, that provides the most important spiritual lesson for his students. They learn that they were the real source of the positive changes in their lives. The final truth is that the only power that a guru has is the power that we give to them.

My New Understanding of the Thamkrabok Sajja

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This Saturday I’ve been invited as one of the speakers to a meditation forum at Thamkrabok Temple here in Thailand. The title of the event is, Sajja: The Vow of Recovery – Christian and Buddhist Perspectives . I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m going to say on the day. I’ve never been very good at this type of preparation, and I tend to just sink or swim when the time comes. I guess that they will be expecting me to talk about my own experiences with the Thamkrabok sajja and meditation. This has provided me with a nice opportunity to get my thoughts straight on both of these tools for recovery, and it has come at a time when my view of both of them has undergone a radical overhaul.

Thamkrabok Sajja Vow

One of the unique aspects of the addiction treatment offered by Thamkrabok temple is the sajja vow. It is simply a promise that you make to give up your addiction – although it is also possible to limit this to a certain period of time. To make this promise appear all the more significant it is made as part of a ceremony involving a Buddhist monk who is reciting in the Pali language. The Thamkrabok sajja vow is well known to people in Thailand, and it is widely believed that it involves magical powers – if you keep the vow great things will happen to you, but if you break it your life will turn to complete shit. There are many reports of people who died after breaking the sajja.

I had already been living in Thailand for six years before going to Thamkrabok temple for help. I didn’t know the option existed up until then. I’m still a bit amazed at how I managed to avoid hearing about the temple right up until the day before going there. I later asked my wife why she had never suggested that I go to Thamkrabok, and she admitted that it was because she did not believe that I’d be able to keep the sajja. I certainly can’t blame her for this as I regularly made promises to quit but never kept them. She believed that if I did the same with the Thamkrabok vow it would mean that I was cursed.

The sajja is not something that you can make more than once – there is no revolving door policy at Thamkrabok. It is a serious commitment, and if you break it you need to look elsewhere for help.

The Sajja Means Deciding to Trust the Universe

I realise now that I misunderstood the nature of the sajja for the first six years of my recovery. I saw it as a contract where I would agree to behave myself, and in return the universe would comply with my desires. I had a nice run where things did seem to be going my way but of course reality eventually decided to start kicking my butt. This meant that I felt cheated – how dare the universe not live up to its side of the bargain. It took a bit of suffering before I could see the reality of what had happened. I’d never been promised a universe that would bend to my whims, and to expect such a thing went beyond unreasonable. The promise had been that if I gave up alcohol my life would improve, and that is exactly what happened.

I now believe that the sajja vow is a leap of faith and not any type of contract. Maybe the only power that this promise has is what we put into it. Cynics may see “faith” as almost a dirty word, but we all rely on faith in one form or another. The only question is whether our faith is reasonable and beneficial. In the case of the Thamkrabok sajja, this faith involves trusting that my life will be better because I’m no longer poisoning myself with alcohol. It seems a reasonable leap of faith for me to take.

It has turned out to be a great relief to find that the universe is not willing to comply with my desires. I’m a terrible judge of what is best for me, and most of the good things in my life were never part of my plans. The sajja means that I trust the universe to continue sending interesting things my way, but I’m no longer trying so hard to tell the universe how to behave in this regard.

Recovery and Meditation

My views on meditation have also changed significantly in recent months. I began meditating during my teens even before I developed my alcohol addiction. This tool has greatly benefited my life, but it is also something that I’ve misused. I originally turned to meditation for the same reason that I later turned to alcohol – I wanted to escape being me. I’ve experienced some wonderful states of consciousness during these inner explorations, but for the longest time it dimmed my appreciation of normal living. I developed a strong desire to escape this reality but escape to what? There is nothing wrong with normal states of consciousness. Life is already wonderful, and I don’t need to follow any particular spiritual practice or do anything special in order to enjoy it fully. I’m finally learning that nothing special has to happen for me to be content, and I don’t need to be able to control the universe to find real peace. Life comes pre-packed with everything that is needed to make it wonderful. I mediate now to enjoy the different states of consciousness and not to escape my life – it is a simple tool and not that big a deal.

Alcoholism Rock Bottom Bullshit

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The most nonsensical belief that I ever allowed to take up residence in my skull concerned hitting rock bottom. I once felt convinced that in order for me to break away from addiction I would need to lose everything. I then used the excuse that I had not yet lost everything as justification to continue drinking. This self destructive nonsense almost got me killed, and it is something that other people, who are still caught up in addiction, may still believe. In this video I discuss why many of the ideas concerning alcoholism rock bottom are just bullshit.

Press play below to listen to the podcast

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What Is Real? Anything Is Possible

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I am in the process of writing my guidebook for living . This is a project that I’m in no rush to get done because it can never be finished. My ideas about dealing with life change all the time, I see this as a good thing, and my guidebook will need to reflect this. There are a couple of core ideas that underpin everything else in this work though, and I’m not expecting these to change. These fundamental principles are to do with the nature of reality.

What is Real?

I do not believe that it will ever be possible for us to know anything for sure about this thing that we call reality. For all we know it could be one big dream or elaborate hoax, and there is no way that we could ever tell if this is the case. This is not something that science can test because the tests will be taking place within the delusion (if it is a delusion). Science works on the assumption that what is being tested is real, but this is one hell of an assumption to make even if it is something we take for granted. Spiritual seekers do claim to have experienced the ultimate reality, but unless we have experienced these things ourselves we just have to take their word for it. We have to at least consider the possibility that the spiritual seekers are mistaken, or that they have come in contact with a delusion within the delusion.

When we view the outside world as real we are taking a leap of faith, and any knowledge that we accumulate will be based on this shaky foundation. It does not matter how much information we pick up or questions we answer because it won’t bring us any closer to knowing if any of this is real. This is not to say of course that this gathering of knowledge is a waste of time or that it will not make our lives better – it probably can. It will benefit us in the same way that it would help us to know how things work if we suddenly found ourselves living inside a video game, but it says nothing about ultimate reality. If we lived inside this artificial world we could use tests to find out things about that place, but our knowledge would be limited to inside of the video game – for all we know there could be an update to the game later that changes these rules.

How to Annoy People with Stupid Questions

I’ve been bothered by this question of “what is real?” since early childhood. It sometimes got me into trouble with teachers and people who don’t like to think too much about stuff. It fueled many debates in bars with the scientific and religious minded. The majority of people seem to find this topic unsettling and annoying. When I bring it up it can cause the person I’m speaking with to become angry, or to back away from me as if I have some type of contagious mental disease.

The question of “what is real?” probably seems completely pointless to most of us. We can make the valid argument what we see is what we get, and that to question reality is either mental masturbation or the road to madness. It is a question that can’t be answered so why ask it? Doctor Samuel Johnson is reported to have responded to such concerns about reality, which were being put forward by the Irish philosopher Berkeley , by kicking a stone and saying, “I refute you thus” – all Johnson actually did was prove that stones feel real, but this is still the most common argument used to defend reality. In order to stay functional in this world we do need to treat it as real, but there are definite advantages (for me at least) to remembering that ultimately it is all one huge mystery. So while there is no answer to the question of “what is real”, it is still worth asking.

The Mystery of Life Keeps Me Humble

My reason for pointing out our uncertainty about reality is not meant as an attack on science or anyone’s spiritual beliefs. It is just the truth as I see it. I’m not claiming to know more about the nature of reality than anyone else – I have no real idea about what it is all about. My motives for making this uncertainty such a core part of my guidebook for living is that it keeps me humble. I’m at my worst when I become obsessed with beliefs that I feel the need to defend. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is all ultimately unknowable, so what is there for me to defend? I’ve grown to love the mystery of life and the uncertainty, and I’m comfortable with not knowing.

I’m not using my uncertainty as to the nature of reality as a means to dismiss other people’s beliefs. By admitting that “I don’t know” it opens the door for endless possibilities. This humility means that I can’t dismiss other people’s ideas as “woo woo” or delusional. By opening my mind to the mystery of life it does not put me on a collision course with anyone’s beliefs because I have to accept the possibility that they could be right. Of course, this does not mean that I have to take on their beliefs or ignore what is obviously harmful in this reality.

Now I Love the Uncertainty of Freelance Writing

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It is mind blowing the difference that a change of perspective can make to my world. It is now obvious to me that most (maybe all) of my problems have been due to a faulty worldview. A perfect example of this would be my freelance writing career. This is a fine demonstration of where my perspective on how things should be put me on a collision course with reality. I’ve got enough bruises and scars to know that I will never be victorious in this type of encounter, and that it is only by bringing my perspective in line with reality that the collision can be avoided. I’ve altered my relationship to freelance writing, and this has made all the difference.

Freelance Writing Meltdown

If you read my posts regularly you might remember that I had a bit of a meltdown last year because of my financial situation. I’ve worked as a freelancer for over three years, and things were going great until a few months ago – I went overnight from turning down high paying gigs to struggling to find work. I managed to keep paying my bills, and putting food on the table, but the realization of the uncertainty of my future almost pushed me into a deep depression. Up until that point I’d worked under the assumption that my writing career could only take me to bigger and better things. It rocked my world to find out that I could be so close to failure. It felt so unfair – poor me.

I can now see that my freelance writing meltdown had very little to do with the actual events on the ground. The reason for why I became so overwhelmed and depressed was the stupid idea that I was somehow entitled to a level of financial security that nobody gets to enjoy. Life is inherently unpredictable and nobody is exempt from the possibility of losing it all – look at all those people in the US and Europe who worked hard all their lives and now have lost their jobs and their homes. It is not hard to imagine how even somebody like multi-billionaire Warren Buffet could end up without a pot to piss in. Freelance writing is a notoriously fickle business so my expectations of financial security were so naive that they were almost risible.

I Love the Uncertainty of Freelance Writing Because I am a Monster Slayer

In another post on here last month I discussed my solution to financial insecurity and worry. I’ve completely changed my perspective on things and what a difference this has made. I no longer view the uncertainty of work as a freelancer as a drawback, but as the best thing about it. I have become a hunter, and I thrive on the risk and excitement involved in my work. It means that even projects that I once considered a bit tedious have become monsters for me to slay. My job is simple, I get up each day to do battle, and if I hunt hard the chances are that I will survive for another day. Some days are easier than others but my job remains the same. I no longer fear my future because I want the opportunity to prove that I’m a heroic monster slayer.

The need for rehab – Is it even necessary?

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My Mixed Feelings about Rehab and Addiction Treatment

I think rehab can help people break away from addiction, but it is certainly not something that is always necessary. I entered my first addiction treatment program at nineteen years of age, but I didn’t stop drinking until I was in my mid thirties. During my more cynical moments I can wonder if the main thing I gained from these facilities was instruction on how to behave like an addict. That’s not completely fair though – there are professionals working in these rehabs who are doing their best, and they do help people break away from addiction. I just worry that it is way too easy to get caught up in the culture of rehab, and the revolving door syndrome.

In order to completely break away from addiction I needed to not only give up alcohol but also being an alcoholic. I had to become someone who no longer needed rehab or any type of addiction treatment. I managed long stretches of sober living during the two decades between starting and stopping drinking, but I don’t think that I ever stopped being an alcoholic until my very last drink in 2006. I don’t regret anything that has happened to me, but if I’d been able to see the obvious reality of my situation sooner it would have saved me a great deal of suffering (perhaps this is as much practical value as saying, if my aunty was a man she would be my uncle).

Did I Need Rehab to Stop Drinking ?

I will always be grateful to the monks at Thamkrabok temple who helped me break away from alcoholism, but I do not believe that I needed to go there in order to be cured. It was more a case of the student being ready and the teacher appearing. My road to recovery began long before this temple in Thailand. On my first day there the monks told me that they would not be able to get me sober – this had to be something that I did myself. Thamkrabok provided me with some great tools, and the ideal environment for getting sober, but at the end of the day it was my determination that fueled my success. At least half the people who I met there in rehab later relapsed, so I’ve no delusions of it being a magical cure. I will always look back upon my time at Thamkrabok as magical, but it was my determination to change that made the real difference. I no longer believe that I needed rehab to quit drinking, but I’m grateful that it was there for me.

Importance of Rehab

I feel that rehab can be helpful for a number of reasons:

• I think one of the most important things that we do when we agree to go to rehab is that we make a firm commitment to becoming sober (unless of course we are just going there to get people off our case). When I arrived at Thamkrabok temple I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to stop drinking – I would have run naked around Thailand if the monks had asked me to.

• When we are in a residential program we can focus all of our attention on getting better. This is important because there are so many things that can distract us from our intention to quit when we go it alone. In rehab we will also be spared the everyday stresses and demands so there is nothing to distract us from our goal.

• I think the therapeutic environment of rehab can magnify our motivation. We can also get a boost from the other people who are trying to quit with us. One of the things I loved most about rehab was the humor – it made the process of giving up easier.

• We have more to lose by failing in rehab than we do when we fail to quit at home. After all, we have gone to all that trouble to go there and raised the hopes of family and friends.

• The therapists in these rehabs can point out things to us that we have completely missed. I’ll always feel indebted to a counselor that I met during my twenties, while staying in rehab in London, who pointed out that I needed to spend more time thinking about other people – I never would have guessed, and it turned out to be life changing advice.

I’m not so sure about the actual content offered by these rehabs – there can be a great deal of fluff. I think most of the educational elements of these programs is forgotten by people as soon as they check out, and it is only dealing with life while sober that leads to people growing and learning.

The Need for Rehab

The most important factor in ending an addiction is the determination to make it happen. If people are even slightly ambivalent it is likely to cause them to fail. Rehab may be helpful for the reasons listed above, but it is not vital. It is not a good idea to use “waiting for the right time to go to rehab or finding the right rehab” as an excuse to delay ending addiction. If people can stop destroying their life without the help of this type of program, so much the better.