Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 35

Sense of Wrongness is an Addiction Alarm

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I did not give up drinking alcohol because I was afraid or because it seemed the logical thing to do. I probably would have continued drinking indefinitely if it wasn’t for a nagging sense of wrongness that would not leave me alone. This uneasiness with alcohol may have been there from the beginning, but by the time I’d hit my twenties it was impossible to ignore. It spoiled drinking for me, and the more I tried to ignore this uneasiness the worse my life became. I can now see that this sense of wrongness was part of an internal alert system that could only be deactivated by ending the addiction.

Learning to Live with an Alarm Constantly Blaring in Your Head

I can’t see inside the minds of other people, but I bet that it is this sense of wrongness is the usual reason for why people will end addiction. It isn’t because they have come to their senses or that they suddenly realize that drugs are bad for them. People just become so fed up with feeling wrong all the time that they are motivated to do something to fix the problem. A life of getting drunk and high probably wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for this nagging sense of moving in the wrong direction – it is always there like an elephant in the room, and there is only one way to escape it.

The main benefit of giving up alcohol or drugs is that this sense of wrongness goes away. This might not sound like much, but it is completely life changing and wonderful. The only reason it does not seem that big a deal is that we don’t even realize how much this sense of wrongness has been impacting our life. It is like there has been this bleeping alarm constantly blaring in our heads for years and now it has been switched off – ah, the blessed silence. Our load in life has been lightened, and we now have the freedom to move forward with a skip in our step.

The Addiction Alarm Has Been Installed by the Universe

It appears likely to me that the universe has a purpose and that humans (just like everything else in the universe) are part of this purpose. We can speculate that the force behind the universe is intelligent – we might even like to imagine that it is a man with a flowing white beard – but I don’t think it really matters in regards to what we are discussing here. The universe is moving in a direction, and the best thing that we can do is go with the flow.

The sense of wrongness that exists in the mind of an addict is a warning signal from the universe, and this discomfort will continue until we take the necessary action to turn off the warning signal. For whatever reason, the universe is against the idea of humans getting pissed or stoned all the time, so it has fitted us with alarms to discourage us from doing this. Now we could argue that the universe is a fussy prick, or that I’m some type of religious nut-job for even suggesting that the universe might have a purpose, but that’s the way it seems to work.

Acceptance is How We Turn Off the Addiction Alarm

I’ve been talking about acceptance in a few of my recent posts, and this is a topic that I misunderstood for a long time. This approach to the world has nothing to do with fatalism. It is not about meekly accepting whatever is going to come our way in the future without any attempt to move things in a positive direction. It is really about accepting what we already have right now and becoming willing to work with this.

While I was caught up in addiction the thing I needed to take notice of was the sense of wrongness – it was there and my attempts to ignore it only made things worse for me. I’d get drunk and the disquiet would fade, but it would still be there waiting for me when I got sober – by the end of my addiction the sense of wrongness was there no matter how drunk I got. It was only by acknowledging this wrongness that I was able to do something to end it. I realized that there was a reason for this alarm constantly blaring in my head, and the way to shut it off became obvious to me.

My Experiences with the Learn Thai Podcast

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In a post back in 2010 (And the Award for Slowest Ever Thai Language Learner Goes To… ) I mentioned how my Thai language skills had stagnated. It’s now been over two years since that post, and I can’t really say that much has changed. Intellectually I know that it would be good for me to keep progressing with my Thai skills, but, to be honest, I just don’t have the motivation to put in the required effort at this stage in my life – there is just too much other great stuff going on. I did put a lot of effort into learning Thai during my first few years living here, but for the last four years I haven’t made much noticeable progress at all. The only real effort I make is when my son says a word that I’m unsure about, and I need to hit the dictionary. I do read Thai newspapers and website content on a fairly regular basis, but this is more about looking for information rather than trying to pick up any new vocabulary.

Learn Thai Podcast

Recently I was offered the opportunity to revisit a Thai language tool that I enjoyed using in the past. The Learn Thai Podcast offers a unique learning experience that is suitable for people like me who are too antisocial to go to a real life class – I suppose it could also be used to supplement a class. The website for this program offers some free material, but in order to really get the most from this course is necessary to get a paid subscription. There are programs to suit beginners, intermediate, and advanced learners, and it is reasonably priced when compared to other Thai courses.

I first came across the Learn Thai Podcast a few years ago, and I found it easy to use. This is a practical program that uses authentic conversations that would occur in real life situations in Thailand. The lessons use native speakers who are talking normally, so that listeners can become familiar with how people are likely to speak in the real word – that’s important. The lessons are available in video and audio format, and these can be downloaded to a computer or mobile device – I used my iPad. Students who are super eager can also print off the script for each episode, and this will be useful for those who are learning to read Thai (although the Thai script is shown in the videos as well). I used this program for about a year, and my active vocabulary did increase without too much effort. The topics covered in these videos were diverse enough to keep me interested – I particularly liked the news story lessons.

Jay is the main man behind the Learn Thai Podcast, and he is a very friendly and approachable guy. He invited me to have another look at the subscription area of the website a few weeks ago. I hadn’t been back there since 2009 (?), and there were some noticeable changes to how the site is laid out. The interface has a much improved look, and it is easier to navigate around the lessons – downloading is also more straightforward and intuitive. There are many more lessons than were there last time, and he seems to be adding to the catalogue on a regular basis. I downloaded the news story lessons; so that I can listen to them sometimes when I go for my evening walks on the beach – hopefully, Jay will be adding more news stories in the future.

Acceptance Means You Get Out of the Way of the Universe

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I once believed that acceptance was a type of spiritual practice – a tool to trick the universe into giving me what I want. The deal seemed to be that I’d pretend to be a happy camper and in return the universe would shower me with goodies. I can now see that acceptance is not really about my desires at all. It’s really about the functioning of the universe and how I fit in with this functioning. Acceptance is the understanding that the universe is doing what it does, and if I get in the way of this I’ll be crushed.

Real Acceptance

Real acceptance demands that I develop a more humble estimation of my place in the universe. It means understanding that I’m just one part of the universe and not a solo artist who gets to call the shots. There is no negotiation involved in any of this. The message I’m getting loud and clear is that things will go a whole hell of a lot better for me if I don’t resist what is happening. So developing acceptance is about as spiritual as deciding not to walk in the middle of a busy highway.

I’ve posted recently about my conclusion that all beliefs are probably bullshit, but I do have practical theories that I use to make my life easier. I’m reasonably convinced that the universe has a purpose, and that I’m part of that purpose. I’m not claiming this as if there is anything special about me – everyone and everything in the universe will be equally part of this purpose. I don’t pretend to know what this purpose involves or even if there is any type of intelligent force behind it. It might be easier to think of it as the universe as moving in a certain direction, and that the key to peace in life is to fit in with this movement. I’m not sure that we humans have anywhere near as much freewill as we like to imagine, and it is more that we have an ability to resist things– instead of a freewill, we might only have free-won’t. It is this resistance to the movement of life that seems to be the cause of much of our pain.



How to Always Be Content

Real acceptance is more than just being okay about that what’s going to happen in the future. It is about accepting what is happening right now, and to stop resisting what is happening right now. If I try to stand against this unstoppable force there can only be one outcome, and it is much better to move with the force and go where it wants me to go. By bringing my desires in line with the universe, I’m always sure to be content with the outcome. It is about moving my allegiances away from Team Paul and more towards Team Universe. If I see myself as part of a much bigger picture, it means that my selfish goals no longer seem that important.

Dog Barking at the Sea

I was on Mae Ramphung Beach for my evening walk yesterday when I came across this dog who was barking at the sea. I came back the same way 30 minutes later, and he was still there barking at the sea. It seemed such an absurd thing for this animal to be doing until it hit me that I’ve been barking at the sea for my whole life – acceptance is when I stop barking at the sea. I couldn’t stop myself from giggling at this realization. I felt this surge of affection for this dog, but I gave him a wide berth in case his particular brand of madness was caused by rabies.

My First Prayer

I’ve felt so inspired by my deepening understanding of acceptance that I’ve written my first ever prayer:

Dear Universe, do what you want with me.

You are going to anyway.

Amen

Addiction Means Believing in Things That Are Not True

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In this video and podcast I discuss my conclusion that addiction occurs because we believe things that are not true.

Press play below to listen to the podcast:

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Blog Your Way Out of Addiction

I’ve had a couple of emails this week from readers who are planning to start their own blog as a tool to overcome their addiction. I think this is an excellent idea, and I would encourage anyone to give it a go. Blogging has been the most important tool in my own journey away from addiction – it is the nearest thing that I have to a program. I started blogging with the intention that it would be a journal of my new life in recovery, but right from the beginning it acted as my therapist and guru.

Journey of a Blogger

I began blogging almost as soon as I gave up alcohol seven years ago. My first posts were a bit lame and unpolished, but it got the ball rolling. It didn’t matter that my writing was practically illegible most of the time because the only loyal reader was me. I kept at it, and this effort began to seriously impact my life. It led to the publication of three books, and three years ago I made writing my full-time career – all because I started a blog on what felt at the time like a whim. Most important of all, this blogging journey has led me to a life where I’m content most of the time, and I’m on a path that is certainly the right one for me. It has given me a tool for eradicating the bullshit from my life – by getting the nonsense out of my head and onto the web it is like exposing vampires to the sun. I now see that the key to true serenity in life is not by believing in new things, but in getting rid of as many unhelpful beliefs as possible.

I can look back on my posts from a few months ago and see that what I’ve written then was a bit naive. I’m making steady progress just by writing down whatever nonsense is currently banging around inside my head. I’m sure that in a few months, I’ll look back on my current batch of posts and feel a bit embarrassed by some of this stuff – that’s progress. I’m jettisoning more and more bullshit out of my life as I go, and it is all wonderfully liberating.

This blog has become my therapist. Now anytime that I have a problem I just blog about it, and nine times out of ten (not an exact statistic) I’ll have some type of solution before reaching the end of the post. On those rare occasions when the solution doesn’t come right away, it will usually be provided by someone in the comments section. If it is a particularly tricky problem I can keep on writing about it, coming to the problem from different directions, until there is a resolution. This must be the cheapest form of therapy imaginable, and I doubt there is anything more effective.

Write Your Way Out of Recovery

In a post on here last month I suggested that people write their own recovery book. All of my books have come about through the process of blogging. I’m currently working on my Guidebook for living – a book written only for me – and this is being created through blogging – in fact this post is part of the process. I can’t think of a better way for people to write their way out of recovery than to use a blog.

In order for this blogging process to work I’ve had to be fearlessly honest. I can read back on my older posts and see that what I’ve written was bullshit, but it didn’t seem like bullshit to me at the time. I don’t think this blogging path can work for me without being willing to put all of my bullshit out there. There have been many times when I felt really uncomfortable about what I had written just before hitting the publish button, but these are the posts that ended up having the biggest impact on my life. It can be intimidating to be this open with the world, but I seem to have developed a thick skin for this type of honesty – other people might prefer to use a pseudonym.

Bullshit Beliefs

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I think it is fair to say that all beliefs are bullshit. I don’t mean this in a negative way but as a statement of fact. I’m not even making the claim that it is wrong to have beliefs, only that ultimately they are all false – or at best partially true. I see beliefs as a type of filter that I use to help me make sense of the world. This filtering works by breaking reality down into artificial chunks and ignoring the larger picture. My mind can’t process the larger picture, there is just too much information, but this need to filter things down using beliefs is a barrier between me and what is really there. It is like I have to believe in bullshit in order to navigate my life – a kind of necessary evil. The problem is that I can get into real trouble when I start to take my own bullshit too seriously.

Losing My Religion

In a post yesterday, I described my worldview as one of spiritual skepticism. I’ve discovered that my life improves, and my peace of mind increases, by letting go of beliefs. Jettisoning as much bullshit as I can frees me up and simplifies my life. It is an ongoing process, and the sign of progress is my own embarrassment at things I believed only a short time ago. If by next year I can read back on the posts I’ve written recently and view them as naive, it will be evidence that I’ve made further progress. I love the freedom that comes from uprooting my bullshit beliefs, and I’m sure there is plenty more for me to do in this regard.

Mind of a Child

There is a temptation to glamorize the mind of a child, but I do so envy the openness that my son has with the world. It is all one marvelous adventure for him, and I can remember what that feels like – living in a world full of magic. Timmy’s mind has not yet been polluted by too many beliefs, and when he engages with the world with curiosity and not opinions. He is a great teacher, and my path is taking me back to this more open relationship with the world – or at least that is what seems to be happening.

On Being a Spiritual Skeptic

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I still refer to myself as spiritual person, but I would struggle to define what I mean by this. My ideas about life and spirituality have gone through such a radical overhaul in recent months that it might be more honest to say that I’m a skeptic. I do hesitate to use the word ‘skeptic’ here though, because it would lead to misunderstandings – chiefly because the modern skeptic movement is so closely related to scientism (the belief that science is the only real source of knowledge about the world), and that is definitely not what I’m about. My skepticism is a very personal thing, and it is based on the realization that I can never know anything for sure. So perhaps a good description of my beliefs would be to say that I’m a spiritual skeptic.

Spiritual Skepticism

I like the idea of spiritual skepticism because it describes my situation so neatly. Not only am I skeptical about any claims of knowledge of truth with a capital T, but I’m fine with the idea that we are all ultimately ignorant. In fact I’m more than fine with it because the mystery of life has become my God, and I feel no embarrassment in admitting that I worship it and adore this mystery. I spent years fearing the unknowable, but I’ve found that by facing this fear it has led me to feelings of deep inner peace and contentment. I’m no longer at war with life, and I don’t need the universe to grant me any special favors – so what’s to fear?

I still occasionally enjoy spiritual teachings but now more as a form of entertainment than anything else. I suspect that much of the stuff out there is just fluff, but I’m sure it serves a purpose. I no longer believe that it is necessary for me to follow any teacher or engage in any particular practice. I’m not claiming that this is a bad thing to do – devoting their life to a specific spiritual practice may be great for other people, but I’m going in a different direction. The only tool I need is the willingness to face reality – oh yeah, and the common sense to roll with the punches. I no longer feel like there is a hole in my soul, and I no longer desire anything other than reality. I want nothing to do with any path that involves denying life.

I like hearing how other people make sense of the world, and I would hesitate to call anyone deluded or wrong, but I’m no longer in the market for spiritual paths. Maybe I just haven’t met the right guru, but I’ve stopped looking and have no intention of resuming this search. I realize that in order for me to be able to judge the value of a person’s teachings, I would need to be as enlightened as them, and if I am as enlightened as them I wouldn’t need them to begin with. There is no spiritual master out there who has more to offer me than the teachings available in day to day living.

Let’s Act Spiritual

I’ve given up trying to be spiritual. I no longer want to act like a holy person in the hope that it will turn me into this special human – that all just seems like self absorbed nonsense to me now. Acting spiritual in the hope of reaching some type of enlightened state is like spending money in the hope that it will make me win the lottery. Putting on this type of act just wastes too much energy, and it is impossible to keep up long-term. It is far better for me to just be natural and open to life because this will take me where I need to go.

My spiritual skepticism has nothing to do with what other people believe. I’m just one guy who is trying to find his own way in the world, and I’m getting very good at it. My path may be lacking incense and mantras, but it is definitely working. I have an urge to share the highlights of my journey, but I’ve no urge to convince other people that I’m on the right path.

Addiction Happens When I Try to Hide From My Feelings

In this video and podcast I discuss the relationship between unwanted feelings and addiction. I’ve found that real suffering occurs when I try to resist my feelings – when I fall into the trap of believing that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. It is the attempt to hide from these natural emotions that leads to addiction. The sad truth is that these attempts to not feel what I’m feeling always lead to far more pain than the feeling that I’m trying to hide from.

Press play to watch the video. You will find the podcast of this edition below.

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Missing the Signs of Stress

If you asked me before last week, I would have said that I’m reasonably skilled at evaluating my own stress levels. It turns out that I’ve greatly overestimated my ability in this regard, and I’m actually been pretty pathetic at this type of self diagnosis. The thing that I’m good at doing is noticing when things have gotten out of control, and this is not such an impressive ability – it is about as useful as being able to spot an open horse’s gate after the animal has run away.

This new assessment of my ability to self diagnose is as a result of moving house. I expected that this event would be stressful, but in the days coming up to the move I felt surprisingly stress free. I ignored the fact that I’d been having trouble sleeping and that I was finding it hard to concentrate on work. I’ve developed such a high tolerance for these symptoms that I need to be close to a breakdown before I begin to wonder if I might be stressed.

This failure to diagnose my rising stress levels wasn’t a problem this time, but it could have been. This is a common pattern in my life. I allow my stress levels to rise until I’m unable to ignore the problem. This is not something that I’ve being doing intentionally – it is just that I’m not been very good at spotting the early symptoms of stress. This needs to change. Just acknowledging escalating stress levels is usually enough to bring things back under control, and so this new insight should make that easier. It is always the problems that I try to ignore that cause the most problems in my life.

Greetings from Rayong

It is now four days since we moved from Minburi to Rayong. We are just starting to get on top of the unpacking, and it will probably take us a year before we get around to removing everything from boxes. The move itself turned out to be more stressful than I anticipated, and it is not something that I want to go through again in a hurry. Oa spent weeks preparing for our change of location, everything was packed and ready to go, but things still ended up being a bit messy on the day. It turned out that we had too much stuff to fit into one removal truck, and in the end we had to hire two trucks.

The moving day was nothing like how I’d planned it. I’d this image in my mind of arriving in Rayong by noon, so that we could spend the afternoon on the beach, but we didn’t arrive until early evening. By that time we felt too tired to do much of anything. I’d been looking forward to visiting a beach restaurant to celebrate our first day in the new house. We did go, but we were all too sleepy to enjoy it. I knew beforehand that there was little chance of reality matching my plans, but it was still a bit of a disappointment when it didn’t.

My First Burst Tyre

On Sunday I experienced my first ever burst tyre. I taught myself to drive a few years ago on the back roads of Lopburi, so I’ve got huge gaps in my driving knowledge and this includes how to change a tyre. It happened while I was driving down towards the beach on a road that is full of potholes. I just heard a bang and the car started to wobble a little bit – I didn’t know what happened initially. I managed to find the spare tyre and tools in the back of the car. I tried to look as if I knew what I was doing, but Oa and Timmy weren’t fooled. Luckily a passerby, who did know what he was doing, was able to spot my ineptitude and changed the wheel for me.

Evening Walks on the Beach

I moved my family to Rayong, so that I’ll be able to go walking on the beach in the evenings. It is a selfish reason, but I need to be able to exercise outdoors after a day working away on the computer. I’ve been able to go on a walk the last three evenings, and it has been absolutely wonderful. The nearby beach at Mae Rampheung goes on for miles, and I’ve been walking for an hour and a half. It’s all sand, so I’ve been able to do this in my bare feet. I finish my walk off with a quick dip in the sea – pure heaven.