Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 33

Why I am Not Proud of My Achievements

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I occasionally get positive feedback from readers of the blog suggesting that I should feel proud of my achievements. I can understand where these people are coming from, but I must admit that I don’t really feel proud about any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel a deep sense of gratitude for how well my life has turned out. It is just that I don’t feel that this has been due to my own efforts. It sort of feels like the universe keeps on pushing me into doing the right things, so what is there for me to feel proud about?

My Achievements in Life

My life has been an incredible journey so far, and I’ve experienced some great highs and some real lows. My biggest fuck-ups have occurred at those times when I’ve tried to micro-manage my life, when I felt like I was in charge, and my biggest successes have occurred when I’ve let go of this control. I’m a terrible judge when it comes to deciding what is best for me, but when I just allow my life to unfold, I’m always delighted with the results. It seems odd to take credit for my achievements when all that I’ve done is get out of the way of whatever forces govern this life.

I don’t make any effort to not feel pride in my achievements – it just doesn’t enter my thinking. I’m not feigning modesty in the hope that other people will say nice things about me. I just don’t do pride, and I definitely don’t feel that I’m missing out on anything because of it. The reality is that this feeling of pride would come with a heavy price – it would mean once again taking on that incredible burden of believing that it is my job to sort out the universe. I already know that I suck at that job, so I want nothing to do with it.

Letting go means eliminating most of the worry from my life. I still get days when this worry creeps back, but it is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I don’t know how this all works, I don’t need to know, but when I just trust the universe to take care of things my life keeps moving in a positive direction. I allow the universe to guide me through my intuition – I take the action that is indicated, and I don’t worry about the results of this.

Giving up Alcohol is Nothing to Feel Proud About

I remember somebody once said to me that giving up an addiction was nothing to feel proud about – it just meant that I’d stopped being a waste of space. I felt hurt and angry at the time, but there is definitely at least some truth in what they said. No human is a waste of space, but it is true that I did not end my addiction through my own efforts. I spent years fighting alcohol, even during my dry spells I was still fighting it, but the addiction ended when I stopped fighting. I gave up trying to control my alcohol intake, and the universe guided me to safety.

I’m so grateful for my life today, but it really feels like I got here despite of me and not because of me. How can I feel proud of my achievements when the universe had to drag me kicking and screaming all the way?

The Path of Spiritual Skepticism

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I’ve always had a problem with just accepting things on the basis of faith or authority. I used to believe that my tendency to pick away at things until they fell apart was a character fault, but I now see that it is my most valuable asset. My skepticism has brought me to a place in life where I’m completely comfortable with doubt and uncertainty. I’m happy to enjoy the mystery of life, and I no longer feel the need to believe in things just to make me feel better. I don’t need religion or even science to give my life purpose. When it comes to the big questions – such as the meaning of life, the existence of God, and life after death – I’m comfortable with admitting that I just don’t know. I’ve given up on these questions because they don’t need to be answered in order for me to find inner peace.

Spiritual Skepticism

I’ve talked on here before about spiritual skepticism .This is the path that I’ve chosen for myself. I should point out that this approach to life has very little in common with the modern skeptical movement – I’m only interested in skepticism as it applies to my own beliefs, and I’ve no desire to police the beliefs of other people. I view all beliefs as being potentially dangerous, so I try to treat them like sticks of dynamite – this means that I try to hold onto any beliefs I have lightly. .

I do assume that there exists some type of ultimate truth, but I’m not convinced that humans will ever be able to comprehend this truth fully. It is beneficial for me to get as close to this truth as possible though – in my experience this leads to real inner contentment, and it obliterates fear. It is my understanding that all beliefs act as filters on the world, so all they really do is make the truth more elusive. I don’t see how it is possible to get closer to the truth by believing in things that we can never know for sure are true. This is not to say that religion or science is lacking value – only that they may be poor tools for getting me closer to the truth.

Getting Rid of Excess Baggage

I don’t view spiritual skepticism as a form of seeking. It is just an attempt to live my life more truthfully. It is not about believing in anything, but all about getting rid of the beliefs that have been getting in the way of my life. It is an honest attempt to look at things to see what is really there. It is not about seeking altered states of consciousness or trying to rise above the common herd. Spiritual skepticism has helped me see that nothing special has to happen in order for me to be happy – it is all about trying to love what is. If I’m feeling whimsical, I can imagine that I’m following in the footsteps of Socrates who claimed that the only thing he knew for sure was that he knew nothing.

How Alcohol Kept Me Sane

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It is easy for me to look back on my years of drunkenness, and to condemn myself for being a complete fool and a waster. The fact is though, that hindsight distorts reality because it means judging my past actions on what I know now. In other words, it’s kind of bullshit because I obviously didn’t know then what I know now. It is unfair of me to believe that I turned to alcohol at fifteen because of stupidity. The truth is that this was the best option available to me at the time, and I daresay that the same might apply to many people who end up falling into addiction.

Alcohol Helped Me Cope with Life

My parent’s marriage fell apart in a spectacular fashion when I was fifteen years old. Alcohol helped me cope with this reality. I’m not saying that it was my parent’s fault that I became a drunk – that’s not it at all- my real problem was that I didn’t have the inner resources to deal with that reality, and I’m not sure if anyone can be blamed for this. At first I tried to keep a handle on things by turning to meditation and martial arts, but these activities were at best only short-term distractions. My life spiraled out of control, and I did not feel able to cope at all. Suicide seemed to be the only way out for me until I realized that alcohol offered another way for me to escape.

I’ve no problem comprehending the motives that led me on a path to addiction. When I first began using alcohol it seemed to be offering everything that I ever wanted. It made me feel brave, and I no longer felt out of control. It gave me confidence. I loved the idea of walking through life in an alcohol fog. It felt like I’d been given a free pass in life – nothing could touch me. The only thing that I couldn’t understand was why everyone else wasn’t doing the same thing.

I continued to use alcohol even after the negatives effects of this behavior far outweighed the benefits. This was partly due to the fact that I’d developed a physical addiction, but this was certainly not the only reason. I continued to use alcohol because I didn’t have any better option – it was a case of, ‘it is better the devil you know’. I kept on looking for a way out of my problems, but none of these paths seemed to take me to where I wanted to go. It was only when I was able to find my own path that a full recovery became possible.

Why the Drugs Don’t Work

I don’t beat myself up for becoming a drunk. For all I know, things could have gone a lot worse for me if I hadn’t found a way to self-medicate my pain. The way I see it, alcohol was the best option open to me at that time in my life, but it turned out to be a lousy remedy in the long-run.

Alcohol is a drug, and it works by creating a temporary cushion between me and reality. It produces the illusion of coping but all that is really happening is avoidance. The problems are still there festering in the background, and it is impossible to stay numb to them forever. Reality refuses to be ignored, and it is able to find the cracks in any wall that we have built between ourselves and it.

I turned to alcohol to escape reality, but my problems had very little to do with reality. It was an easy mistake for me to make. At that time in my life, I didn’t understand that reality is always subjective and that it was my beliefs about the world that were the real source of my pain. It would never have occurred to me that all I needed to do was to abandon some bullshit beliefs about myself as these were the real cause of my suffering. I was incapable of understanding what I know now, and it wasn’t simply a case of lack of knowledge. It is a strange paradox, but it seems that I needed to suffer in order to discover that I never needed to suffer.

Dangers of Mental Masturbation

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I know one thing: that I know nothing

Socrates

In this video I discuss the dangers of mental masturbation. I can waste an excessive amount of time thinking about things even though there is no answer for me to find. Mental masturbation is not only a time-waster but it can also be a means to sabotage my own inner peace. Press play to watch the video. You will find the podcast of this edition below:

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Dangers of Alcoholics Anonymous

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I’ve no doubt that Alcoholics Anonymous does a great deal of good in the world– I’ve seen it first-hand. This recovery path has worked for many people, and it is wonderful that these individuals have been able to break free of the miserable life of a drunk. The founder of AA, ., is one of my heroes, and I would never try to discourage anyone from trying out the meetings. I do not personally subscribe to most of the tenets of this group, but I don’t have any interest in AA-bashing just for the sake it. I do think that it is important to talk about the more dangerous aspects of this program though, so that people who are experiencing difficulties with this group do not feel alone.

The Philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous Supports Addiction

The principles of Alcoholics Anonymous can be used to support addiction as well as recovery. I attended my first AA meeting at 18 years of age, and it came as a bit of a relief to find that I had this disease called alcoholism. It meant that for the next 17 years, I had the perfect excuse for my fuck-ups – of course I’m drinking, I’m an alcoholic. The philosophy of AA supported my behaviour because it was made clear to me that I needed to hit rock bottom before I’d be ready to quit. There were many times when I felt desperate to stop drinking, but I didn’t want to return to the meetings – AA members told me that this was a sign that I wasn’t really ready and that I should keep on drinking until I could fully accept the program. I now look back on this advice as not only bad but possibly even abusive.

The other way that this program supported my behaviour was by making relapse appear so natural. After all, I would always be just a recovering alcoholic, and the best I could hope for was staying sober one day at a time. At one point I managed to stay sober in AA for two years, but I never really felt free during this time – the old timers constantly reminded me that all I had was a daily reprieve that was dependent on my willingness to go to meetings and follow the program. I obediently went to a meeting almost every day for that two year period, but I still ended up back drinking. I didn’t feel too bad about my downfall though because I’d been told that alcoholism is a relapsing disease. It would be too cynical to claim that AA created the rehab revolving door syndrome, but it doesn’t seem to have done much to undermine it.

Alcoholics Anonymous is Oversold

The thing that worries me the most about the Alcoholics Anonymous program is that it is too heavily promoted. The members of this group can be very passionate, and the zeal by which they promote this approach can border on fanaticism. I was repeatedly told over the years that AA was my only hope of recovery, and there are still parts of the world where this is the only show in town. The success rate for this group is far from impressive (mind you, the same could be said for all addiction treatments), so to tout it as some type of miracle cure is disingenuous. It may be the best recovery approach for some people, but it is certainly not the best approach for everyone. It is horrible to feel ready to quit alcohol and to be told that AA is the only viable option, and to know that this option will not work for you. How may chances of recovery have been lost due to this shitty advice?

Alcoholics Anonymous, Circular Reasoning, and Group Think

Alcoholics can engage in a dangerous form of group think. There is this ‘us and them’ mentality, and members are encouraged to think of themselves as this special group with special problems. This feeling of having a unique set of problems can border on the ridiculous – I’ve heard people in Alcoholics Anonymous suffering from the common cold who talk as if they have some type of special alcoholic’s cold.

Those who follow the AA program can feel threatened by any type of criticism, and they sometimes seem more interested in defending AA than in helping alcoholics. I can’t remember ever meeting even one member of that group who was willing to suggest any other option than the meetings. This is all made to seem acceptable by using some fancy circular reasoning – if you are an alcoholic your only real hope is AA, but if you manage to get sober without AA you were never a real alcoholic to begin with.

Alcoholics Anonymous as a Refuge for Dangerous People

One of the nice things about Alcoholic’s Anonymous is that it is open to anyone. The downside of this is that there are plenty of dangerous people hanging around, and it is relatively easy for these individuals to gain positions of power over the vulnerable newcomer. It is expected that old timers are treated with respect but some of these guys are as fucked up as the people they are trying to help. Too many of them act as if they are on some type of power-trip, and there are even some of this guys who use their position to gain sexual favours from newcomers. The only requirement for AA membership is the desire to stop drinking, and the only requirement for winning respect in the meetings is the ability to say the right things.

Alcoholics Anonymous Does Work for Some People

Despite all of the dangers I’ve listed here, I still feel that this approach to recovery will work for at least some people. I’m glad that the meetings are there for those who need them. I think that AA suffers from problems that all large groups sharing a belief system end up having to deal with. Bill W. created the 12 traditions to help members avoid some of the most common pitfalls associated with this type of fellowship, but it is probably not possible to remove all the dangers.

Symptoms of Depression in Recovery

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In this video I discuss my experiences of dealing with depression in recovery. I’ve had plenty of times in my life where I felt completely crippled because of my low mood, but I now feel that I’ve found an effective way to deal with these symptoms. Press play to watch the video, and you will find the podcast of this edition below.

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Am I Qualified to Offer Addiction Advice?

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I’ve lots of opinions about addiction. It is subject that I feel passionate about, and it is the reason for why I first began blogging six years ago. Addiction is no longer a part of my life today, but it was for two painful decades. I trained and worked as a nurse, and this gave me a different perspective on the problem, but it is my personal experiences of being a drunk that influences my current thinking on the subject. I feel compelled to talk on this topic, but I do sometimes worry that my views could have a negative impact on people in need of help – especially as many of my ideas would be considered unorthodox (or just plain wrong) by experts in the recovery community.

More Than One Path Away from Addiction

My views on addiction have come from personal experiences. I don’t subscribe to the ‘disease model’, and I’m not convinced that the medicalisation of this type of problem is necessarily a good thing. I managed to break away from addiction, and build a wonderful life, by ignoring the advice of the experts. I worry, that for at least some of us, the traditional approaches may do more harm than good – it may also be part of the reason for why addiction problems seem to be on the increase. There is no one treatment for addiction that works for everyone, and none of the current approaches has a high enough success rate to be able to claim any type of monopoly over recovery. There are many paths away from addiction, and this is why I feel it is justifiable for me to add my voice to the mix.

I have faith in people to be able to figure out things for themselves. I provide my opinions, but it is up to the reader to make up their own minds about what I’m saying. I feel it is important for people like me, who decided to go it alone in recovery, to share their experiences. The goal is not to sow doubt in the minds of people who are happy with an approach like Alcoholics Anonymous, but to provide hope to those who would struggle with that approach. There were many people who tried to convince me that my options were to return to AA or die, and they almost had me completely convinced. One of the great things about the internet is that it is now relatively easy for people to access alternative opinions, and this can mean that they never have to feel as hopeless and alone as I once did.

Sharing My Thoughts on Addiction

I respond to the worry that my writing could have a negative impact on some readers by reminding myself that I’m not that important. The readers of this blog are unlikely to be children, so I don’t have to treat them that way. I will continue to share my thoughts on addiction until I run out of things to say, or until I receive a ‘cease and desist’ letter that would have legal power in Thailand

Using Intuition to Beat Addiction

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In this video, I discuss the important of intuition in my new life away from addiction. I don’t follow any particular recovery program, but my intuition has kept me on the right path, and it has led to a real sense of inner contentment. Press play to watch the video – you will find the podcast of this edition below.

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Note – I’ve used up my storage limit for the podcast, and I can’t really afford to upgrade. I’m going to begin removing some of the earlier episodes.

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How to Deal with Enlightened Beings

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I don’t know anyone personally who claims to be enlightened, but I’ve certainly come across plenty of written accounts of people who say they are awake to the ultimate truth. My reaction to such claims is always one of skepticism. I won’t just dismiss what they have to say outright, but it puts my bullshit radar on high alert.

I believe that there is ultimate truth out there, but I’m not convinced that any human has ever experienced this truth– I’m not even sure if it is possible for a human to experience it directly. I can never be sure, but my gut reaction is that people who claim to be enlightened are either deluded or lying.

The Problem with Enlightenment

I can’t understand how anyone who can claim to be 100% certain about anything, but this is what enlightened people are claiming. They believe that they have seen the truth and that anything other than this is a lie. By this admission, the person is saying that they were once deluded but now they are free of delusion. What I don’t get is why these people never seem to consider the possibility that they have left one delusion only to enter a more convincing delusion. If the universe has fooled these people once, why can’t the universe fool them again? I suppose the fact that these guys are so utterly convinced may mean that they have seen the truth, or it could mean that they are more trapped in delusion than they ever were. How can the rest of us tell which of these scenarios is the right one?

It could be that enlightenment is a clever trap. The person who has achieved this state may have spent years working towards it. They have then taking the huge step of proclaiming to the world that they see the truth that nobody else around them can see. If the person later begins to question this realisation, how likely are they to publicly admit that they were wrong? How likely are they to tell their students that it has been a case of the blind leading the blind? My guess is that the majority of them would never admit to such doubts, even to themselves, and this is why enlightenment could be a clever trap. Admitting that you have awakened to the delusion of reality means you are a spiritual warrior, but to admit that you have awoken to the delusion of your enlightenment is a bit embarrassing – not even worth considering.

The thing is that it is way too easy for people to claim enlightenment – especially for the non-duality crowd. All you have to do is learn a few buzz words, and speak in very vague terms about what you have experienced – the vaguer the better it seems. If anyone questions your enlightenment, there is no need to provide any proof because there is no proof. We don’t have a quality control watchdog for enlightened beings. Again, I’m not saying that these people are all frauds, but there is no way for me to tell if they are or not.

How to Deal with Enlightened Beings

In a recent post I discussed my enjoyment of the books of Jed McKenna. He does claim to be enlightened, but I don’t take this claim too seriously. There is just no way for me to tell, but I’d be surprised if it turns out that he is enlightened. I see Jed as a type of spiritual entertainer (I believe Alan Watts invented this term to describe himself), and so I take everything he says with a pinch of salt. One of the most powerful lesson he provides is that we need to keep pushing further – for me this means an endless battle against my beliefs – I fear that by claiming enlightenment, Jed has ignored his own advice, but who knows. I like his books but not because I believe he is enlightened.

It could well be that I’m the idiot for not throwing myself at the feet of the local enlightened guru. That is just not the path that I choose to follow. I’m convinced that all the answers I need will find there way to me – and these answers are as likley to come from the local som tam seller, as they are from a spiritual master. I’m interested in what the enlightened people have to say, but I no longer approach these people looking for answers or in the hope that they can fix me. The best they have to offer me is their words, but if words were all that were needed, we’d all live a perfect life already.

Jed McKenna’s Theory of Everything: The Enlightened Perspective

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“A real guru, if there is one, frees you from himself”

U.G. Krishnamurti

I wouldn’t say that I’m a huge fan of U.G. Krishnamurti, but I certainly agree with his opinion on spiritual teachers. I once believed that it was my desire to pick away at things until they fell apart that was my greatest liability, but it has now become my greatest asset. My extreme skepticism (not to be confused with modern skepticism which is all about defending things that can’t be proven as real) has led me closer to the truth by showing me that all beliefs are flawed. I’ve put enough spiritual teachers (and their beliefs) up on pedestals only to later crucify them that I now see this as my job in life – my prime directive is to rid myself of bullshit. The only spiritual teacher around today that I haven’t yet been able to completely dismiss is Jed McKenna – probably because he does not claim to be a spiritual teacher, and I did say “yet”.

Jed McKenna Might Be Full of Bullshit

I would not be surprised to find out that Jed McKenna is completely full of the brown stuff. The fact that he has released another book after saying he was done with this work, following the publication of his trilogy, is suspicious – even if this new book is a fantastic read. So he might not only be full of bullshit, but also greedy for more money and attention. It also makes me suspicious that it has taken him so many words to say something so simple. Yeah, I would say that Jed McKenna might definitely be full of bullshit, but it is very, very convincing bullshit, and I can’t really fault him. What I’m saying here is that it would not matter one jot how much bullshit he is full of because it’s not going to take anything away from the truth he is pointing at.

Jed McKenna’s Theory of Everything

I read Jed’s TOE yesterday. I bought it for Kindle, and I was initially disappointed to find that it is a relatively short book – a slim paperback, I think you might call it. After reading it though, I have to admit that he probably made a good decision to keep the word count down because what he has to say would lose its power by adding fluff. It took me about six hours to read, and it only cost $7 (including the Amazon penalty tax for not living in America), so I can’t complain.

I posted on here before about one of Jed’s other books – Spiritual Enlightenment: the Damdest Thing. The first time I read this work it all sounded kind of revolutionary and almost sacrilegious, but I went back and read it again a few years later and by then most of what he was saying sounded obvious to me. I’d reached many of the same conclusions as him, but it had nothing to do with me becoming enlightened – it was more about me running out of things to believe. With this new book, there was this strange sense of déjà-vu as so much of his thinking mirrored my own.

Jed is dismissive of all belief systems – including science. I share his concerns, and in my own experience it is the believing in things that are untrue that leads to all kinds of suffering including addiction. I don’t understand how anyone can claim to be searching for truth when they begin with assumptions that can never be shown as true. I fully agree with Jed that science and religion are basically the same at a fundamental level. This is one of my favorite quotes from the book:

All scientific claims should be prefaced with a disclaimer. That seems like a scientific-y thing to do. A standard disclaimer would probably suffice in most cases:

Warning:

The scientific findings contained herein are based on the uncritical acceptance of consensus reality as true reality, and must therefore be viewed in the same light as mythology, folklore, superstition, and religion.





The Beliefs of Jed McKenna

Jed is convinced that consciousness exists, but the universe doesn’t. He provides some nifty arguments for why this is the case. I strongly believe that he is right, but it is a belief for me – I don’t know with 100% certainty that all that exists is consciousness, and the rest is just like a dream – so I have to remain an agnostic believer.

I’m not sure that Jed’s TOE accomplishes much, but who said that the truth has to accomplish anything? As far as I can see, Jed’s TOE provides far more than the vast majority of spiritual books out there, so it is worth it for that alone. I hope this book sells well for Jed – even if he is full of bullshit, he deserves every cent.