Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 29

How Self Absorption Makes Me Miserable

In this video and podcast I discuss my battles with self absorption. This tendency towards obsessive thinking has been an extremely negative force in my life, and I’m convinced it is the root cause of my previous alcohol problems and my continuing difficulties with anxiety and depression. Press play to watch the video – you will find the podcast below.

Here is the podcast version of this epsiode:

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Meditation for Beginners Secrets for Success by Vern Lovic

This manual works well because it will get us excited about what is possible in meditation, and it will give us the tools we need to get going – we are then free to see where the path will take us.

Meditation for Beginners offers a unique perspective on a subject that has already been covered by thousands of books. Vern Lovic is mostly self-taught, and this means he is not just regurgitating the ideas of other people – it is this freshness that makes his meditation manual worth reading. Vern’s approach to the practice is down-to-earth and practical, and this is why it will be a good resource for other lone-wolves who are following a self-directed path in meditation.

Like me, Vern Lovic is a Thailand-based writer. He is also one of my online friends (I might have to drop using the term ‘online friends’ because it implies that I have offline friends – I don’t). He has just published this new book about meditation, and I asked him to send me a copy. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much because I’ve already read so much on this topic. Vern is a talented writer, but I couldn’t imagine him having anything new to say on the subject. It was a pleasant surprise then to find that this work wasn’t just the same-old-same-old.

Jhanas are Not Limited to Monks in Caves

Meditation for Beginners provides instruction on meditation without any sort of religious baggage. I usually find books like this to be incredibly dull because of their tendency to throw out the baby with the bathwater. I don’t need to read a whole book to tell me that observing my breathing might help me deal a bit better with stress. The real problem with these sanitized-meditation books is they tend to completely ignore the amazing shifts in consciousness that can be experienced during meditation – stuff like the jhanas.

Vern Lovic is not afraid to tackle these special states of consciousness that fall into the category of jhanas. He not only describes them, but he also provides a path for people to experience these states for themselves. Most non-spiritual meditation manuals will completely ignore the jhanas – probably because these altered states of consciousness tend to have religious connotations. The spiritual books, on the other hand, can give the impression that the jhanas are very mysterious, maybe even dangerous, and not really within reach of beginner meditators. Vern spends a great deal of time discussing the jhanas. He claims that if you follow his approach, you will be able to experience these states while meditating for as little as twenty-minutes per day.

Finding Your Own Path in Meditation

I’ve also followed my own path in regards to my meditation practice. I’ve experienced the jhanas that Vern describes, but there are some ways in which our paths differ. I don’t necessarily agree with all of his ideas in this book, call it a different emphasis, but that’s the great thing about going it alone with meditation – we don’t have to fit our experiences into somebody else’s worldview. This manual works well because it will get us excited about what is possible in meditation, and it will give us the tools we need to get going – we are then free to see where the path will take us.

The Link between Worry and Depression

I’ve been dealing with bouts of depression since my early teenage years. There have been period of my life where even getting out of bed felt like an impossible task. Things were much worse during my two decades of heavy drinking, but I continue to have periods of depression seven years after giving up alcohol. I’m getting better at managing my symptoms, but it can still feel like there is a blackness out there waiting to swallow me up. In recent years, I’ve noticed that these periods of depression will nearly always occur at times when I’m worrying about something – usually my finances.

How Worry Leads to Depression

There is a recognized link between worry and depression. What is believed to happen is that worry makes us less able to tackle our problems. This negative emotion uses up too much of our mental resources, and it gets in the way of taking constructive action to deal with the threat. This obsessive thinking about the obstacles in our life also means we are unable to sleep at night. This triple whammy of tiredness, inability to act, and anxiety means that we end up feeling completely helpless and overwhelmed – from there it is almost inevitable that we will slide into depression.

This slide from worry to depression can happen very fast for me. I do sometimes wonder if worry is a symptom of an impending depression rather than the other way round. I say this because on many occasions there has been no obvious trigger for the worry – nothing has really changed, but I’m suddenly fretting over some aspect of my life. Perhaps the fact that my mood is already starting to deteriorate makes me more susceptible to worry – I’m not sure. Of course, there are also times when there are legitimate things to worry about, and at these times it can be a struggle to remain free of the black cloud.



How I Juggle Worry and Depression

I’m not sure about the exact relationship between worry and depression, but I do know that they are closely related for me at least. If I allow the two of these to feed into each other, I can end up in real trouble. I can become worried about being depressed, and this drives me further into feelings of despair. In a recent post, How Letting Go Could Save Your Life, I discussed my strategy for dealing with worry. When it comes to depression, my strategy is not to resist it. I just accept that this is how I’m feeling at the moment, and I just do what I can. This approach means that I don’t make things any worse than they already are, and I’m usually able to function reasonably well despite my low mood.

I would love to be able to say that I’ve managed to overcome depression in the same way that I managed to overcome my alcohol addiction. There have been some definite improvements and the symptoms are now bearable, but there is still plenty of work for me to do in this area of my life. I’m not sure if it will ever be possible to completely remove the black cloud from, but I’m convinced that it will be possible for me to become so good at managing it that it will no longer be an issue.

My Three Reasons for Loving the Egocentric Predicament

Many of us modern humans can get a bit grumpy with any mention of magic or unsolvable mysteries. Since the eighteenth century, we have been using science to replace superstition, and this has led lots of folk to conclude that there is no room for magic in the world. There is also the ‘science of the gaps’ argument that would have us believe that at some future point the remaining mystery in the universe will be cleared up by science. This cocky attitude arises because of our ability to ignore the egocentric predicament. The reality of course is that the universe is just as magical and mysterious now as it has always been.

What is the Egocentric Predicament?

The egocentric predicament is the truth that we can never understand reality outside of our own perceptions. We can’t even be sure if that thing we call reality is even there or not – maybe we are living in a simulated universe or maybe this is all one strange dream? It doesn’t matter how many scientific tests we perform, or how many new things we discover, because at the end of the day, there is no way for us to know if anything that is being tested actually exists. It means that anyone who makes any claims about reality will be doing so on the basis of faith.

The egocentric predicament can be a hard pill to swallow, and this is why most sane people prefer to ignore it. Science has allowed us to shine light on the dark places that used to scare us, but the egocentric predicament might mean that our efforts have not brought us one step closer to the truth. Of course, none of this should be taken as a criticism of science. It is the best tool we have for getting to know this thing we call reality. It has produced some amazing advances, and it has made life far more comfortable. Science is great when it comes to producing technology, but when it comes to the ultimate truth of things, it may be little more than a side-show.



My Three Reasons for Loving the Egocentric Predicament

I have grown to love the egocentric predicament. Even as a kid, I spent a great deal of time fixated on questions about the nature of reality. I would share my ruminations with other people, but it was often treated as a taboo subject. This is understandable as questioning reality is the best way to get locked up in a mental institution. Over the years, I’ve grown to love the egocentric predicament for a number of reasons:

It is a Reminder That I Live in a Magical Universe

There are plenty of modern scholars who try to convince us that we are mere meat-robots, but this goes completely against my experiences as a human. The fact that we are even here in this universe to appreciate any of this is truly magical – there is no better way to describe it than magical. This sense of magic and mystery is further increased by the knowledge that we have no real idea about what is behind it all. Anyone who claims there is no magic out there just isn’t looking hard enough.



It Teaches Me Humility

A great deal of suffering has occurred throughout the centuries because groups of people became convinced they understood the truth of reality. They then took it upon themselves to try to covert other people to their truth or kill them for doubting it. The egocentric predicament keeps us humble because it reminds us that nobody really knows what’s going on. Even those spiritual people who claim to have achieved enlightenment may just be experiencing a more intense delusion than the rest of us.



It Means Every Second is Precious

By viewing life as one huge mystery ride, it means that every second is precious. It is too easy to fall into the trap of taking life for granted. The world around us is truly miraculous when we pay attention to it – there is magic everywhere. Nobody knows if there is anything after this life, so to just treat what we have now as somehow mundane seems a real shame. It is only things we are convinced we understand that we take for granted, so the realization that we are surrounded by mystery can spice our life up immensely.

Help for Alcoholics Who Are Not Ready to Quit Drinking

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In this video and podcast, I discuss the harm reduction approach to alcohol addiction. This is the idea that some positive change is better than no change at all. There are plenty of people who are suffering from alcohol addiction but do not feel prepared to stop. Harm reduction is an alternative to the all or nothing approach to recovery, and it might help to keep people alive until they are ready to quit. Press play to watch the video, you will find the podcast below.

Here is the podcast of this episode

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How to Escape Financial Worry Forever

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I’m a complete disaster when it comes to managing money. I’m usually only one month away from being broke. When I do have a bit of extra cash, it just burns a hole in my pocket, so I’m never able to get ahead. In my last post, I described how money worries have been a real threat to my mental health – it has almost driven me into a deep depression more than once. You could say that my disastrous history with managing my income doesn’t make me the obvious choice for financial advice, but I would argue that my experiences have given me some useful insights into dealing with financial worry.

100% Effective Cure for Financial Worry

I’ve found the cure for financial worry. It is 100% effective and completely free. In order to benefit from this solution, there is no need to buy any self-help books or join any course. It’s as simple as falling off a log. All that is required is the willingness to see the log, and you also need to have the faith to allow yourself to fall off it. This is an incredibly simple solution that has the power to positively impact almost every area of our life. I’m still experimenting with these ideas, but I’m already convinced that they are the solution to my financial worries – in fact, all my worries.



Please Don’t Tell Me to Let Go of Financial Fear

The secret to overcoming financial fear is to just let it go. I know this probably sounds like the most stupid platitude ever, but it really is the answer. The only reason it sounds like crap advice is we assume it is the same as telling us to ‘be happy’ or to ‘cheer up’ – the type of suggestion that just makes us feel worse. The mistake we make is we assume we are being asked to do something when in fact we are being asked not to do something. Letting go is not about sacrificing something we like – which hardly ever works – it is all about not doing something that is fucking up our life and making us miserable.

Will the World Keep Spinning If I Let Go?

I’ve never been tested, but I suspect that I’m exceptionally skilled when it comes to thinking. I can spend hours mulling over any old shit that happens to pop into my head. If thinking about things was the path to success, I would have been living on my own private island, in a castle made of pure gold, by the time I was seven. Thinking about things hasn’t benefited me in any way because there is a total idiot in charge of my internal dialogue. I only have to observe my thoughts for a couple of minutes to know that there is nothing useful there. Worst of all, this steam of thoughts is usually full of negative crap designed to belittle me. The idea that listening to this cacophony of idiocy is going to somehow make my life better is a joke. It is this that I’m talking about letting go of.

Letting go of nonsense in my head is not about trying to fight these thoughts. There is actually plenty of good stuff in there, but the best thoughts tend to be a bit shy. These helpful ideas are a bit selective about the company they keep, and they keep a low profile when all the useless thoughts are yapping away. This means that when I try to think my way out of problems, I’m creating the worst possible environment for the arrival of a solution.

Letting go of financial worry is all about recognizing what is real. It is the realization that the soundtrack in my brain is mostly made up of nonsense, so there is no point in going there for answers. If I let go though, it can make some space for a good solution to appear.

Letting Go of Nothing is Incredibly Easy

The most amazing thing about letting go of financial worry is that the thing we are letting go of doesn’t even exist. We spend most of our time worrying about shit that isn’t going to happen anyway. It is our thoughts that create unrealistic expectations for life, and it is our thoughts that make us feel like losers for failing to achieve these expectations. It is our thoughts that create an image of who we should be and then not only makes it impossible for us to be that way but also berates us for not being that way. It isn’t that these thoughts are bad or evil – it is just that we are silly enough to take them seriously. It is like putting your life in the hands of a toddler who is suffering from a serious personality disorder.

I get on much better with my internal dialogue when I view it as a source of entertainment rather than a wise adviser. Instead of trying to think my way out of problems, I try to let go. Every time I do this, a solution becomes obvious to me at most within a few days. So instead of worrying about my finances, which won’t help in any way, I just have faith that I’ll do the right things at the right time. Whatever happens, I’m going to end up with a much better outcome than I would achieve by worrying.

How Letting Go Could Save Your Life

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I’ve no problem understanding why people commit suicide due to financial worries. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they made the right decision, but I can see how it could have appeared that way at the time. Financial worry is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face– worse even than my long battle with alcoholism.

The Fear of Losing Everything

I used to be fearless when it came to my finances. During my twenties, I lost it all but still managed to climb out of the gutter and go on and build a good life. This experience of hitting bottom removed my fear of ending up homeless with no money. I knew afterwards that I’d always find a way to land on my feet no matter how bad things got. Things changed when I got married though and my son arrived on the scene. As a single guy, I could easily survive financial meltdown, but I’d rather die than inflict that on my family.

My financial worries are not really about my own standard of living. I like having the latest tech toys to play with, but I could easily survive without them. I sometimes even envy those guys who are able to reduce their possessions to only the bare necessities – it must be a nice way of life. I sort of agree with the sentiment, ‘you don’t own your possessions, your possessions own you’. My financial worries are really only about my ability to take care of my family, and I think this is the same for many people.

I can think of few things worse than not being able to provide for my wife and son. When things went a bit wobbly with my career last year, this fear almost caused me to fall into a deep depression. For weeks, I was trying to behave as normal but inside my head was this silent scream. I found it hard to even look at my family because I felt like such a failure. The only time when it was safe for me to fully face my fear was at night. I would be there in bed listening to the sounds of my wife and son sleeping – my thoughts would be racing, and it would feel as if there was a large stone in my stomach. Yeah, I can understand how such feelings could convince people to go for a long walk off a short pier.

Letting Go of Financial Fear Might Save Your Life



I’ve written a number of posts on here about the importance of letting go, but I’m always disappointed with my failure to really pin-down what I’m trying to say. The problem is that this potentially life-saving technique is often presented as some type of spiritual payoff – a reward we might get to enjoy if we meditate for 10,000 hours or spend enough time with the right guru. Basically, we assume that we will learn to let go once we are able to get our act together. This type of thinking is complete bullshit of course. It’s just like saying ‘I’ll start to exercise once I get fit’. As far as I can see, letting go is one of the most important skills we could ever learn. It really could save our life.

When the Shit Hits the Fan, All You Have is Your Training

I remember hearing somewhere how elite soldiers (maybe it’s the SAS) are taught that when the shit really hits the fan, the only thing that can save them is their training. I’ve found this to be true in my own life. I struggle to think rationally when things are going wrong because my fear paralyses me. It can be almost impossible for me to take on new information, so the only thing that can save me is my current resources.

I’ve known for a long time about the importance of letting go. It sounds deceptively simple, but for years I’ve struggled to let go of worries and concerns. There were times when I even began to suspect that the people who claimed to have developed the ability were just faking it – they were just better at hiding their fear. Despite my cynicism, I continued to work at letting go of things, and it was this training that probably saved my sanity last year.

While lying in bed one night during the middle of my financial crisis, experiencing a silent mental breakdown, something unusual happened. Out of nowhere, my mind became clear and the stone in my stomach just disappeared. Without even trying, I was able to let go of all my fear. I could see that it was my choice to allow this worry to destroy me, and I had the option to let it go. My training kicked in when I needed it most. My efforts to learn how to let go hadn’t been a waste of time at all because it was this that saved me.

Let Go of What?

The problem with trying to describe the process of letting go is the words can get in the way. It would be easy to jump to the conclusion that letting go is about just accepting defeat. Things are made even more complicated because in a way it is a type of defeat but only in a battle where we had no chance of winning anyway. The universe does its own thing, and being a good person does not seem to be enough to keep us safe from incredibly shitty things happening. We have a choice, we can spend our time trying to force the universe to follow or desires or we can learn to accept what is there. I don’t have enough faith in vision boards, affirmations, or positive thinking to choose the former option.

For me, letting go is not about practicing equanimity while I wait for the universe to shower me with goodies. Instead, it is the understanding that all I’m obligated to do is to show up each day and try my best – that’s it. Sometimes trying my best will produce favorable results and sometimes it won’t. Letting go means I accept the outcome regardless of my personal preferences. I don’t do this because I’m trying to be spiritual but because the alternative would be insanity or jumping off a building. The remarkable thing is that by letting go like this, it opens me up to the real riches in life – a wealth that does not depend on an account balance in a bank that could go bankrupt at any minute. Suicide is now the the number one killer in the developed world , so the ability to let go might be the most important treatment there is.

Die Worried and Leave a Scary Looking Corpse

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I’ve been like a passenger on an airplane waving his arms furiously in an attempt to keep the craft in the air.

If I allow worry to set up camp in my brain, I’m guaranteed there is going to be a rough ride ahead. This emotion paralyses my thinking. It saps me of the energy I need to deal with whatever problem I’m facing. It can mean even small difficulties can appear overwhelming and impossible. Worry is a sneaky character because it can arrive in my life like an old friend. It can put on a show of reasonableness to hide the reality that it is trying to destroy me.

The Real Face of Worry

I’ve always been a worrier. For most of my life, I saw it as a good thing because of the crazy idea that it might somehow prevent bad things from happening – after all, things never turn out as we expect them too, so expecting them to be bad is a sensible precaution. Sort of like a sacrificial ritual I performed for the gods in charge of my faith – even though I didn’t believe in these gods. As far as I was concerned, being positive was asking for trouble – it was just tempting faith. All of this was complete nonsense of course but worry and rationality aren’t comfortable bedfellows.

I paid a heavy price for allowing worry to take over my life including;

• Panic attacks

• Long periods of insomnia

• Stomach troubles

• Weeks of feeling depressed

• Poor choices based on fear

• Periods of being suicidal

• Loss of friendships because I was too busy worrying to maintain them

• Loss of opportunities

• Alcohol addiction

Worry has come close to destroying me on a number of occasions. The last big encounter was a year ago when it almost drove me into a deep depression. I managed to pull away from the brink, and it gave me a new determination to overcome this foe that has the power to destroy me.

Things We Can Do to Bring Worry under Control

I’m getting much better at dealing with worry. It is still a work in progress, but I’m reasonably confident that worry will never ensnare me to the same extent it has in the past. I still have lots of reasons to be worried in my life, my financial situation remains precarious, but I mostly avoid falling into this trap. When I do start to worry, I can now convince myself to step back from the edge. Here are a few of the things that have helped me deal with this shitty emotion;

• I realized that all I can do is to try my best – everything else is out of my hands and worrying isn’t going to change that.

• A major cause of my anxiety has been expectations about the way things should be – my impossible dreams. I’m trying hard to let go of these expectations and just take life as it comes.

• One of the biggest mistakes I made when trying to cope with worry last year was to try to ignore it. I put on a show of positive thinking, but the worry just kept on increasing until it hit critical mass.

• There is no point worrying about worrying.

• The key to overcoming worry has been learning to let go. It is scary to hand over control of my life, but it was an illusion to ever believe I had this control in the first place. I’ve been like a passenger on an airplane waving his arms furiously in an attempt to keep the craft in the air.

• In recent posts, I’ve discussed my habit of taking life too seriously. It seems my intense nature is closely related to my levels of worry, and it is something I want to change. I’ll probably always be a bit intense, but if I can just lighten up a little bit it would be a great help.

5 Important Life Lessons I Have Picked Up From Living in Thailand

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I was in my early thirties when I moved to Thailand, and I’m now near my mid-forties. I’ve benefited a great deal from living in this part of the world. Here are just five of the most important life lessons I’ve gained from my time here:

The Squeaky Wheel Doesn’t Get the Oil in Thailand

I come from a culture where making a fuss can increase the likelihood of getting what you want. Back home, if you feel you have been treated shabbily by a business, you can usually get what you want by being assertive or just causing a scene. I remember from my time working as a nurse that it was those patients who threatened to sue everyone who tended to get the most attention. I cynically refer to this phenomenon as ‘the squeaky wheel gets the oil’. In Thailand, making a fuss usually has the opposite effect – especially if you cause the other person to lose face. You have a much better chance of getting what you want by being polite and smiling a lot. I know there are many expats who would disagree with me, but I much prefer the Thai way of doing things.

Community is Important

I suppose I should feel grateful for coming from a country where being an independent-spirit is encouraged, but I do envy the Thais their close family and community ties. I’m a total social misfit, and this hasn’t changed by living here – in fact, I’m probably more self-centered than ever.

When I lived in rural Thailand, I sometimes felt overwhelmed because there would always be other people around. Complete strangers would just wander into the house for a chat. I couldn’t open a bag of crisps without it turning into a community-get-together. It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable at times, but I also knew that this was my loss. I can see how comforting it must be to feel part of something much bigger than me. My spirit of independence is based on self-obsession, and this can disconnect me from the world around.

Magic Exists if You Believe in It

When I first came to Thailand, I was very dismissive of anything supernatural. I arrogantly believed that superstition was only for the weak and gullible. This narrow-minded view of the world meant that I could easily become irritated by talk of ghosts and magic. This was a big problem because I was surrounded by people who believed in such things – including my own wife. I had a choice, I could either go on thinking that everyone around me was a bit dumb, or I could keep an open mind about things like ghosts. I didn’t want to turn into a resentful and bitter expat, so I choose the latter option.

I still don’t really believe in ghosts, but I have no problem with the idea they might exist. I’m open to the reality of magic, and this has meant that my world has become a far more magical place – a wonderful gift from the people of Thailand.

I Am Strongly Conditioned by My Culture

I went through a few periods of culture shock during my first few years living here. At these times, almost everything about Thailand would annoy me, and I would become incredibly home sick. These periods of self-pity were made worse because I automatically assumed that because people did things differently here, it must mean they were doing them wrong. I even got angry with the way they laid down tarmac on roads because it wasn’t the same as in Western Europe.

It took me a bit of time to realize that the problem wasn’t the Thai way of doing things, but the fact that I’ve been strongly conditioned to expect things to be a certain way. I never realized just how much I’d been conditioned by my culture until I was completely out of it. This insight has helped me a great deal, and it has given me the freedom to look at things in a new way. I no longer just assume that because people are doing things differently, it must mean they are doing them wrong – at least on my good days anyway.

Life Doesn’t Have to Be So Serious

I love the way the people of Thailand are capable of turning almost anything into a fun activity. In the west we tend to associate fun with slacking off. There is this implicit understanding that you can’t be working hard and having fun at the same time – if the boss is around, you have to look busy and be serious. The Thais prove that it is possible to get the job done with plenty of merriment along the way. I’m convinced they could even turn shoveling shit into a giggle-fest. In a post on here yesterday, I mentioned my intense nature and how I tend to take things way too seriously. So this is another aspect of the Thai character that I wouldn’t mind acquiring for myself.

Intense and Confused in My Forties

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The parting words of most of my ex-girlfriends included the nugget “you are way too intense”. I never paid too much attention to what this might mean, and I certainly never considered that it might be an important insight into my own problems in life. I thought it was just something that women say as part of their farewell speech – in the same ballpark as, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” and basically only a nicer way of saying “get lost, you loser”.

Today one of my Facebook friends also made the observation that I’m a very intense kind of person. This comment wasn’t provided as part of any kind of break-up ritual (she hasn’t un-friended me yet anyway). This description brought up so many memories of other people in other times making the same observation about me. I’m now forced to seriously consider the possibility that these guys may have actually been on to something.

What Do You Mean I’m Way Too Intense?

I suppose one of the main reasons this ‘intense’ comment never made much impact on me is that I’ve never really understood what it meant. I equate being intense about things as being passionate, so to me it sounds like a positive attribute. So when someone tell me I’m too intense it comes across as a compliment – even though I can usually tell by the way they are saying it that they do not mean it as a compliment. The “you are too intense” description from my perspective is like saying, “you’re are too happy” or “you are too handsome”. My reaction to people saying this to me has been to just shuffle my feet and wonder what the hell is wrong with them – duh, of course I’m too intense, why wouldn’t I be?

Looking back now, it seems obvious to me that I completely misunderstood what these people were attempting to tell me about my intense nature. They weren’t trying to just make me feel better about the news of the breakup. The message wasn’t “we are breaking up but at least you still have your intensity”, but instead “I am breaking up with you because your intensity makes you unbearable to be around”. The description wasn’t that I’m a passionate go-getter, but I take everything way, way, way too seriously.

I find it incredible that I’m only realizing this truth about my intense nature now. It is so obvious. It is hardly surprising though, I remember this girl at a party once telling me I was arrogant, and I took it as a compliment – my reasoning being that only obviously successful people could be viewed as arrogant. I have an impressive track record of not getting what other people are trying to tell me – what can I say, it’s a talent, albeit not a very useful one.

Time to Lighten Up

I can’t change overnight, but I do want to stop taking myself so seriously. It is hard to break away from the habit of a lifetime, but the first step is to recognize the problem. I change because of pain but first I have to understand the cause of the pain. This realization about my intense nature feels like a huge step forward for me. It’s probably a bit late in the day, but to all those people who told me I’m too intense over the years – thank you!