Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 31

How to Help People Who Do Not Want to Quit Alcohol

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In this video and podcast I discuss some ways that people can help loved ones who are dealing with addiction. My addiction related posts on here are usually directed towards people who want to change, but there are plenty of alcoholics out there who do not want to quit. For much of my drinking career, I didn’t want to quit either.

It must be horrible for people to watch a loved one self-destruct. It can seem like such a hopeless situation. In this video and podcast, I suggest ways that these people may be able to help:

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Is that Curry or Shit on Your Pants?

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For some reason, one of my least favourite memories has been banging around inside my skull today. I experienced many low points during my years of being a habitual drunk, but the night I walked around my home town covered in curry sauce is definitely up there in the embarrassment charts. Everyone who saw me that night was convinced I’d shat myself, but this was one drunken episode when my sphincter control wasn’t an issue.

A Night on the Town in Dun Laoghaire with Curry to Follow

I must have been about twenty years old when this incident took place, so it would have been 1989. I’d just come back to Ireland after spending a bit of time in England. I’d already been to my first rehab by this stage, but I was still convinced that I didn’t have a problem. Even after the humiliation of this particular incident, I still felt that my alcohol usage was under control.

I was drinking in Dun Laoghaire with some friends, and as usual I was the one who got the drunkest. People who knew me back then would say this always happened because I drank too fast – I didn’t know how to pace myself.

I must have upset my pals at some point in the evening because I ended up in the local chip shop alone. I was drunk as a skunk, but I was also ferociously hungry. I ordered curry chips with battered sausage and took this feast outside to enjoy on the pavement. My coordination was far less impressive than my sphincter control though, and the whole meal ended up covering my trousers – I’ve no idea what happened to the battered sausage.

I used to complain that there was never enough curry sauce on my chips, but there was certainly enough to completely drench my light khaki chinos. I tried to rub the sauce into the trousers, but this didn’t help at all. I also made the mistake of trying to rub some cider into it – this made things significantly worse. I was too drunk to care much about my appearance, so I just headed to the nearest bus stop to get the last bus home. There was a crowd there, and they were all taking the piss out of me, but I was too drunk to argue with them. I was starting to feel a bit ill, and I just wanted to get home

You Mad Ejit

Eventually the bus came, but the driver wouldn’t let me get on. I tried to convince him that I hadn’t shat myself, but he wouldn’t believe me. This was the last bus home, and I felt really desperate. I was basically pleading with him, but he wasn’t having any of it. I offered to let him smell my trousers, but he wasn’t interested. The people on the downstairs of the bus started to get restless. I’m not sure if it was the bus driver but someone shouted at me, “you can’t get on the bus in that fucking state you mad ejit.”

I was staying in my grandmother’s house in Sallynoggin which was only about a 3 mile walk from Dun Laoghaire. The state I was in though, it was like asking me to climb Mount Everest without oxygen. I don’t actually remember much about the walk only that it felt very long. I remember walking through the town and people laughing at me. I might have cried at some stage. I don’t remember actually arriving at my grandmother’s house but that’s where I woke up. I’m sure there were lots of people who knew me and saw me that night who were convinced I’d shat myself.

These Days I Don’t Have to Convince Other People that I Haven’t Shat Myself

I’m not exactly sure what triggered these memories of the curry incident today – I’m even less sure about why I decided to share it on here. Maybe my subconscious (or the universe) thinks that I’ve been taking things for granted too much recently and that I need a reminder. It is easy for me to forget just how much my life has changed since given up alcohol, but when I think about this incident it is obvious that I’ve come a long way. These days I’m never in a situation where I have to convince people I haven’t shat myself.

Is Neuroscience Wrong about Addiction?

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The claim that addiction is a disease has been greatly boosted by evidence coming from the world of neuroscience. There are even scans to show that addicts can develop physical changes to the structure of their brain – apparently this is enough to earn the title of a brain disease.

The fact that there are now scientists interested enough to investigate addiction is a wonderful thing. We need new solutions because addiction problems are on the rise, and too many people are dying because of it. I have to say though, the claim that addiction is a brain disease that will be cured by neuroscience doesn’t sound very convincing to me. It completely ignores the fact that people have motivations for turning to alcohol in the first place. My concerns have been summed up nicely recently in a post by Wray Herbert for the Huffington Post called – The Heart and Mind of Addiction

Herbert writes:

“…the official view of the National Institute on Drug Abuse that addiction is a “chronic and relapsing brain disease.” What’s more, this disease model today has the gloss of neuroscience to legitimize it, complete with colorful fMRI images of addicted brains. This dogma dispenses with questions about will and morality and reduces all addictions to “hijacked” brain circuits involved in reward and pleasure.

Satel and Lilienfeld effectively debunk this reductionist view. They show that many addicts continue to have large periods of calm in their daily lives, during which they make the usual decisions about jobs and children’s schools and so forth. What’s more, most quit. Indeed, quitting is the rule rather than the exception. This would not be true if were an unrelenting and permanent brain affliction.”

This post by Wray Herbert’s was inspired by a new book called Brainwashed: The Seductive Appeal of Mindless Neuroscience by Sally Satel, and Scott O. Lilenfield. I’m going to put this on my reading list because there is a whole chapter devoted to addiction. I do think that the claims for neuroscience are greatly exaggerated, and it will be interesting to hear what the experts think – or at least people who are more clued-in about neuroscience than me.

I fell into alcoholism because it seemed to be offering an easy path through life. I gave up alcohol almost twenty years later because I become convinced that there was a better way of life for me. I had been been in and out of addiction treatment programs since my late teens, but it was only when I gave up on the idea that I had a disease that I got better. I don’t see how any of this had anything to do with changes to the structure of my brain.

Are 12 Step Recovery Programs Best for Addicts?

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I came across a recent article in the Guardian Newspaper titled 12-step recovery programmes are best for addicts. It is based on an interview with Mark Gilman who is apparently some type of strategic advisor for addiction recovery with Public Health Department in England. The article opens with the news:

Mark Gilman is a man with a mission. In his role as England’s addiction recovery champion, it’s his aim for the country’s addiction treatment services to tap into what he sees as an underused resource: mutual aid groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.

This doesn’t sound like a very original idea to me. It is more like something that would have been suggested fifty years ago. Gilman is quoted as saying:

“We’ve got something like 300,000 heroin and crack cocaine users in England. Over time we’ve probably had the vast majority in treatment, around 200,000. I’d like every one of them to have some exposure to [12-step fellowships].”

I spent most of my alcoholic life in England and enjoyed plenty of exposure to the 12 Step Groups, but I remained an addict. I went to rehabs in the eighties and nineties, and while there I was expected to attend these meetings – so what is being suggesting is nothing new. Mark Gilman seems to be under the impression that the problem is that people are not getting enough exposure to these fellowships, but is that really the case? People kept telling me that AA was my only option, and it was only when I found that this wasn’t true that I could make real progress.

I doubt that there are many addicts in England who have not heard of the 12 Step Groups. They are already heavily promoted. Gilman wants addicts to ‘have some exposure’ to these fellowships. Is he suggested that people should be forced to attend? This more or less already happens in many rehabs, and it is no obvious magical cure – it can make people even resistant to these groups.

The 12 Step Groups have been around for decades already. It is obvious that this solution only works for some people – I’m glad it is there for the people who need it. There are also dangers associated with the AA program. It seems to me that these fellowships already get enough attention, and it is time to promote other options. What do you think?

Alcoholism is Only a Disease if You Want it to Be

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Is alcoholism a disease? Many people seem to think so. In this video and podcast, I discuss my own experience with the disease model of addiction. For many years I believed that I had a disease called alcoholism. It was only when I gave up thinking that I had a disease that I was able to remove alcohol as an option from my life. Press play to watch the video – you will find the podcast below.

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The Disadvantages of Buddhism Lite

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For the last couple of years, it would be fair to say that I’ve been ‘off the reservation’ as far as Buddhism is concerned. This is where life has taken me, and I need to follow the path I’m currently on. I’ve gained a great deal from the teachings of the Buddha, and it was tempting for me to just continue to use a buffet-approach to this philosophy. In the end though, I decided that Buddhism-lite was a complete waste of my time – it could teach me nothing more, and it would just reinforce my own bullshit.

What is Buddhism-Lite?

The term ‘Buddhism-lite’ is usually used to refer to a western approach to these teachings where we just cherry-pick the bits we like and ignore the rest. Buddhism has a reputation for being a very tolerant religion, and there is no real authority to say what people should and shouldn’t believe. It is probably for this reason that Buddhism is very appealing to westerners who have developed an aversion to very dogmatic forms of religion. It also fits in well with the modern idea that our individual freedom is of utmost importance.

What is Wrong with Buddhism Lite?

For me, the purpose of any spiritual path is to help me escape my current level of bullshit. I see all of these philosophies as being like kegs of dynamite that are designed to blow my world apart. The problem with Buddhism-lite is that it removes the gunpowder that would cause this explosion. If I just pick the parts of this philosophy that fit in with what I already believe – it just keeps me stuck where I am. In fact, it’s worse than that because weak-tea-Buddhism might not only mean I’m more entrenched in my worldview, but it can delude me into thinking that I’m making progress.

Buddhism as a Raft

The Buddha compared his teachings to a raft to get us to the other side of the river. He suggested that once we get to where we need to go, we should abandon this raft because it will just hold us back. The problem with Buddhism-lite is that we take all the functionality out of the raft, and we go nowhere. The tool that was designed to destroy our worldview is being used to keep us trapped in it. This sort of leads to the question – if we are so satisfied with what we have now, why do we need the Buddha at all?

I think it is a mistake to change Buddhism to suit our current beliefs – it should be the other way around. These days, the belief system that most of us have will be strongly influenced by is scientific-materialism. In fact, most of us are so entrenched in it that we don’t even realise that it is a belief system. This means that when we come to Buddhism, we want to remove all the yucky-woo-woo-stuff because it doesn’t fit in with what we want to believe. We can then cherry-pick away at this philosophy until we are left with a vehicle that is incapable of taking us anywhere other than where we already are.

Buddhism is a Tool

I now see Buddhism as an important tool that helped me to escape a ton of beliefs that were making my life miserable. The teachings worked because of what they contained and not what I put there. Buddhism gave me nothing – it took things away, and this is what I needed more than anything else. I believe all philosophies and paths have the same purpose. They take us further along the path until we reach our goal, or until we need to abandon them for something else.

Yesterday I Came Across a Decomposed Body on the Beach

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While I was out for my work on Mae Ramphung Beach yesterday, I came across a decomposed human body. There are always plenty of dead things to see when the tide goes out here in Rayong (last week I saw a huge dead turtle), and at first I thought it might be a dead shark. I was walking barefoot in the sea as usual, and I was right on top of it before realizing that it was human. It came as such an unexpected shock that I just kept on walking. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t really human, and that my eyes had been playing tricks on me. I walked for about another kilometer before finally turning around to check.

When I got back to the same spot, I had a closer look, and there was no denying that it was human remains. The body was a white color, and it was only really identifiable by the legs and feet – a large amount of the flesh had been eaten away. I’m no expert, but it looked as if it had been in the water for a long time. It was an incredibly sad thing to see, and it just felt so wrong to see a body in that state of deterioration. I couldn’t tell if it was a man or woman, or even if it was an adult or a teenager.

There were another couple of westerners on the beach, and they had also come across the body. One of them had already told a Thai beach vendor, so there didn’t seem to be much more for us to do. I think it is always best to leave it to the locals to contact the police in this sort of situation – I didn’t have my mobile phone with me anyway. It really felt like I should do something, but I didn’t know what I could do – it wasn’t like my nursing skills were going to be of much value. I left the beach feeling guilty.

Upset at the Sight of Death

I’m a bit surprised at how much seeing that dead body has upset me. I felt fine talking to people on the beach, and it didn’t really hit me until I got home. I saw lots of people die while working as a nurse. I’ve even prepared corpses for the mortuary by myself during the middle of the night-shift. I should be used to this type of stuff. I feel fine now, but last night I couldn’t stop thinking about it – I didn’t sleep very well at all. Maybe it was just the idea of a body being washed up like junk onto the shore like that. I know on an intellectual level that once we die our body is just decaying meat, but it is hard to be intellectual when faced with this reality.

I wasn’t sure about writing this blog post. It might be considered in bad taste. When I got home from the beach yesterday, I thought about mentioning my encounter on Facebook, but it seemed like a disrespectful thing to do. I don’t want to trivialize a human’s death so that I can have something interesting to say. The purpose of this blog though, has always been to honestly share my thoughts and feelings, and this is what I’m thinking about today. I always feel better for getting this type of stuff off my chest.

Drink Alcohol to Rebel – Remain Alcoholic Because You Are a Sheep

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In this video I discuss a common justification that drunks will use to remain addicted – the fear of being different. This excuse sounds plausible enough until we remember that one of the reasons for many of us became drunks in the first places was that we wanted to be different. The reality is that giving up alcohol is only a big deal when we choose to view it as a handicap.

Black and White Thinking is Poisonous

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I’ve certainly been guilty of black and white thinking in the past, but it is only in recent years that I’ve discovered how prevalent this narrow-mindedness is in the world. It seems to be the norm rather than the exception. I suspect that it has always been this way, but the popularity of the internet really shows that this limited way of viewing the world can be poisonous. It is this that creates the mentality of ‘us versus them’ and this inability to see that most of life is just one huge gray area can easily drive people into mental illness.

The Nature of Black and White Thinking

Black and white thinking is a type of fallacious reasoning whereby people allow themselves to become a victim of a false dilemma. It means that we limit ourselves to just two options in life – good or bad, right or wrong, and all or nothing. In our relationships with other people, it means that they are either with us or against us. Black and white thinking is usually a sign that we are uncomfortable with uncertainty, and that we need to have everything fit into an easy to manage box. The problem is that life is chock-full of uncertainty and most things we will be faced with fall into a gray area. This means that if we insist on pushing everything into our comfy black and white boxes, we will be regularly banging our heads against reality – and likely pissing lots of people off as well.

Black and White Thinking and Depression

It is now more or less accepted that there is a link between black and white thinking and depression. I find this easy to believe, and I can certainly say from my own experience with depression that my all or nothing approach to things was a major factor. The problem with this narrow view of life is that it limits our options to such an extent that we can no longer function. We want our life to be wonderful all the time, and our failure to accomplish this can lead to despair – if only we could see that there is a middle ground where we can be content without perfection.

Black and White Thinking and Conflict

Most conflict in the world occurs as a result of black and white thinking. You only have to visit any of the online forums to see this in action. In fact, these forums wouldn’t be popular at all if it wasn’t for the conflict generated by only viewing the world in two flavours. Seeing life as one huge gray area makes it harder to fall into the ‘us and them’ attitude and without the conflict these debates with lack entertainment value. The reality is that you get rewarded for being a black and white thinker in the modern world – for example, if I was to write a blog post titled ‘Religion is Pure Evil’, it would probably get a lot more hits than a post titled ‘Religion is a Mixed Bag’.

Cure for Black and White Thinking

Black and white thinking is poisonous (even if saying this may make me sound like a bit of a black and white thinker). Thinking this way means that we are always going to be at odds with reality, and this is almost certain to lead to suffering. The cure is to become more comfortable with the uncertainties in life – to understand at a fundamental level that at best our beliefs are just a vague description of reality. It also means becoming comfortable with saying ‘I don’t know’ a lot more frequently and knowing that there is no shame in not knowing.

How to Go it Alone in Addiction Recovery

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This video and podcast is part of a series that provides a template for a self-directed approach to addiction recovery. The blog post related to this episode can be found here – A Self Directed Program for Addiction Recovery – Part 4. Press play to watch the video – the podcast edition of this episode can be found below.

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