Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 72
June 8, 2011
Surrey pays women to come to the cricket
Surrey has cracked the code, they've come up with a way to get more women come to cricket.
They've gone and got walk on girls from the sexy world of darts to usher the batsmen to the crease.
I talked to Surrey, or I think it was someone from Surrey, about their cunning plan.
"We want more women at cricket, an this is one way to guarantee it. Some may see it as a cheap poorly thought out publicity stunt made to give our middle aged fans a boner at the game, but this is about the women, not the men who ogle them.
Another upside to getting more women in the ground, we'll also have a situation where young girls in the crowd will have someone to look up to. So far the only job in cricket for women as that of a cheerleader or WAG, both of which you need specialized skillsets for, but any middling to attractive woman can be a walk on girl. We need to create more positions for these kind of women.
Imagine going to the cricket with your six your old daughter, she looks around and there is no positive role models inside the rope, now she can see a job she can hope to achieve, walking the batsman out to bat, standing fairly close to the pitch itself, and ensuring that the batsman doesn't get timed out.
It might come across as sexist, but our research shows us that young girls love tits and are mostly bi at that age. Breasts sell cricket tickets, everyone knows this.
Sure, we haven't really thought through all the details, we do have a gay on our team. But where thinking of two sexy looking trannies, but it's ultimately Steve Dave's decision. We just hope he doesn't want half naked bears.
I mean if we had a women's team, we'd get men in tight bike shorts taking them out."
The problem is that like most soft porn, walk out girls don't really sell any extra tickets and are kind of shit.
I mean they'll be clothed and not performing sex acts.
What a waste of time.
Surrey should be forgetting about the cricket and having a full oval orgy.
Hundreds of women and a few strapping young lads to perform 3 hour long sessions (any longer and new comers will be bored) of hardcore erotica.
I'm sure there is market research to back this up.
Sure there will far more mess to clean up in the stands than usual, but that's the price of running a massively successful live sex show.
Cricket has been crying out for more useless sexism that doesn't help it at all, I'm glad Surrey have stepped up to fill the breach.
Cricket and sex never really go together, but only because cricket will never fully commit, put the gimp mask on and face it's naked ass to the sky. Maybe this could be Surrey's role?
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June 7, 2011
June 6, 2011
June 5, 2011
Dilshan's thumb
Until today the most painful male story I'd ever heard is from a degenerate friend of mine.
He was a filthy guy who often cheated on his live in girlfriend.
One day, before the days of internet dating sites, he met a girl via a phone dating service.
The girl he picked up sounded like an A grade skank, having never met her I see her as cold sore laden junkie type, mostly because that was my mate's type.
While he was with her, her flat mate came home and walked straight in on them, instead of it being awkward it turned into the male fantasy moment he didn't deserve. He'd stumbled into his first ever threeway.
Now, this was not a goodlooking, rich or suave gentleman. My mate's head looked like it was carved from a tree but they forgot to give him features or treat the wood. So this was a big thing for him.
So big that in his excitement, he pushed a little harder than he ever had.
How hard? Hard enough to rip his foreskin.
He was unable to ever fully explain how much pain this gave him, but I'm assuming it was about as painful as a man can experience.
It doesn't stop there, because now he was in all sorts of trouble, because if he went straight to the hospital, his lady might find out about his behaviour.
So he chose the frightful option of going home, getting his lady drunk, getting her ready for love making, rolling the condom over his dick, and then doing a few thrusts before screaming and claiming he had just ripped his foreskin.
He was a Machiavellian cheating turd, but you must respect him for having the skills and pain management skills to pull this off.
His lady bought it, and took him to the hospital where they put him back together. It was 3 months before his foreskin was back in working condition.
For some, they would have taken this as a lesson and also an achievement, he did not.
6 months later he was offered an even more exciting sexual situation, he was invited to an orgy and yet again being the low life untrustable man he was, he took up the offer.
Now, he'd already touched the sun once with a threesome he didn't deserve, that he said was heaven before his foreskin gave out and peeled like a banana, so he didn't need to do this orgy.
The thing is, he just wanted to. He wanted to beat the threesome. For him it was about being the man who could say in a bar, "well the time I had an orgy…". He wanted to be in a room that was full of the smells and flavours of group sex.
So he went there to cheat on his girl again, and yet again, his foreskin was a fan of karma and it viciously ripped open just as the orgy was kicking off.
This time he was in so much pain he was taken straight to a hospital, and his lady put two and two together and reached the conclusion that he'd injured himself through coitus with another woman and dropped him.
Here he was with a broken penis that would have to be given an adult circumcision, no lady, nowhere to live and no chance of sex for about six months.
I was reminded of all this as Dilshan tried to put his hand in his glove for the second time, he'd already made a hundred at Lord's, had his thumb almost ripped off twice, proved his toughness and put a spine into Sri Lanka after their last collapse, but he still wanted more. He wanted a double hundred and he was willing to sacrifice his thumb for it and play through the amazing pain.
That takes guts, and a little stupidity.
We respect that. Not our friend's infidelity, but Dilshan's toughness.
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June 4, 2011
May 31, 2011
May 30, 2011
The Sri Lankan collapse
Anyone who has ever been in a batting collapse knows the pure unimaginable sense of gloom that overcomes the team.
Positive batsmen are stripped of all hope and can do nothing more than March out in a death waltz and wait for their demise.
Each batsman then trudges off the field knowing that their fate was sealed even before they went out there.
The batsman who doesn't lose his wicket seems to have a face drained of blood as each of his team mates walks back.
There is the look between team mates where they just know they're in a collapse, and don't really feel the need to verbally confirm it.
The coach sits there unable to say anything to changes anyone's mood.
Players waiting to go look almost frightened of facing a spinner or even some middle aged slow seamer.
The tail are defeated before they even step out on the ground.
And you can see the whole team collapse into a liquid mass of utter uselessness right in front of your eyes.
If you're in the team, you feel like it's a virus, it just infects your body and you can feel the negative vibes pulsing through you as the collapse gets more violent.
It's a dark, dark spiral; it feels lonely even though it's a shared experience.
Often you have no idea how it started, or how to stop it.
The one consolation is that it's a quick death.
A collapse is over so quickly that by the time you really reflect on it you've lost, and it's like being drunk and trying to decipher some surreal Mexican acid western and trying to work out what just happened.
That is what Sri Lanka is doing right now.
The collapse is over, the gloom and disease is overtaken by introspection and that shit feeling in your stomach that your parents have seen that sex video where you use a bowling pin on yourself.
The good news is by Friday they'll be playing at Lord's, and this will be no more than a punchline and ever fading public humiliation.
It just feel like in the hours after it happens.
I think the collapse is why cricket clubs started serving booze, and that always helps.
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