Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 69
July 26, 2011
two chucks get wet at lord's and I talk more shit
And here is the second half of my interview with the cricket couch where i talk about legspin and masturbation.
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July 25, 2011
July 24, 2011
two chucks at lord's day 3 and day 4 Harsha Bhogle podcast
Today I talked to Harsha Bhogle, and he accused me of being the @shastribot.
And I forgot to put this up before. But, as with everything I do, it's timeless.
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people wanking about cricket and themselves
Here is American writer Wright Thompson talking about Sachin, his sick Royal wedding habit and himself.
And here is me talking about myself, masturbation and Pakistani cricket.
It's all podtastic.
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July 23, 2011
After Sachin
Someone sent me an email that said, After Sachin.
For some people that is a scary thought.
It doesn't have to be.
In a 1000 years when India is running the entire planet, and maybe a few others, people shall use After Sachin, or the term AS as a way of counting the years.
Everything before his career started could be simply, BT, or more aptly for some, BS. For instance, the year 2987 AD would become, 1 BS.
2000 years of some other dude is more than enough anyway, the world needs a new hero, and our Indian overlords have given us Sachin, it seems kind of stupid not to use him.
Unlike Jesus, who all we have to prove his existence is some rumours of magic tricks and potential grave robbing, with Sachin we have youtube.
Digital archaeologists will just have to fire up old computers and look at the clips, whilst reading the comments underneath to know how much love and respect we have for one another.
There might be some cynical new age types who suggest that the videos are faked, that he was just an actor, like the other known fraudster god, Tom Cruise, and that Sachin is nothing more than a false prophet.
There will also be some will also think that while Sachin was important, Joey from Blossom was the real messiah.
But, who cares about these Joeites, true believers will know that Sachin is the only saviour of humanity. Fuck them anyway, they can believe what they want, the year is 3011 AS, he's already beaten them.
And when our descendants sit down on Sachmas day, eating korma and watching their kids open up their Virender Claus presents, they'll have a jolly good time.
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July 22, 2011
The DRS hates Dhoni
MS Dhoni is a wicket keeper.
So when he comes on to bowl cricket statisticians orgasm, commentators chuckle and real cricket sadists find another years to fall in love.
If there was anyone in world cricket who didn't want KP to go out to Dhoni, other than KP himself, they should be beaten.
Dhoni getting the wicket of KP is the sort of thing that adds to his legend.
In 12 years time you're in a bar in Oslo, and some guy buys you a beer, you find out he's a cricket fan and you can bond over Dhoni getting KP out.
You could have a lover in Oslo, or a drinking partner, and it's all about Dhoni getting KP.
Cricket doesn't win by KP staying in, thrusting his groin oddly down the wicket, it wins with a wicket keeping world cup winning captain getting out someone like KP.
That's why DRS sucks.
But this isn't just DRS' fault, because cricket hasn't got the laws right.
If there is a chance that something really cool could happen, it should.
Forget about hotspot, massage the laws however you need to, but the world is a better place when Dhoni gets KP out, and the laws need to help this.
Sure, it's a tough law to police, but cricket needs it.
We can call it the Dhoni law, which means it's slightly broader than it needs to be.
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July 21, 2011
Praveen Kumar's the new medium paced Alien Terminator
If the film Alien Terminator has taught us anything, it's that a nearly immortal organism capable of instant regeneration and with an insatiable appetite for living flesh is a motherfucker.
In that classic film, some kind of Petrie dish alien thing keeps using hosts to grow and then kills them and moves on. Or something.
Praveen Kumar is sort of like that.
There isn't much to him, he's not tall, he doesn't hit the pitch hard, and he's far from fast.
Yet, he somehow mutates himself and his appetite for human flesh means that he is always dangerous.
Not long ago Duncan Fletcher would have taken him out the back and shot him.
Some of it is based on his personality.
If it wasn't for his impressive self confidence, amazing ability to think he bowls 15 miles quicker than he does and the best fast bowler's face in the game, he might just be another under paced seam bowler.
There are a few Praveens around first class cricket.
They put it on the spot, nibble it around and generally nag at the batsman.
It usually doesn't work at test cricket, the batsmen have seen it all before and you need to be able to move the ball at a more rapid rate than the Praveen's do.
That's why it's amazing he has got this far, and even more amazing that he might make it.
There were times today when his deliveries seemed to be making up their own trajectory when they left his hand. If you do that at 70 miles an hour, it's still hard to hit.
He has the ability to move the ball both ways, with seam and swing, and be able to repeat that skill whenever he needs to.
It's not fast, but it is deadly.
Some batsmen will work him out, they'll find a way to kill him, like a plucky scientist with fake breasts might.
You get the feeling that you can't really kill Praveen completely, he might not be big or strong, but he will always find a way to regenerate himself, is insatiable for wickets and might end up proving to everyone that medium pace is nearly immortal.
Although the alien terminator does end up just being a dude in a shit costume, which might explain Praveen's face at times.
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July 19, 2011
The MCC suggest using Steve Waugh's eyes to stop match fixing
You can beat a polygraph, trick a jury, be immune to truth syrum and even make sure the CSI bastards don't find a thing, but you can't beat Steve Waugh's eyes.
They are double barrelled weapons of truth.
When not roaming the cricket world talking about the baggy green, Steve Waugh is used by various world governments to find double agents because it is impossible to lie to them man.
Once his eyes have you locked in there is nothing you can do but tell the truth.
The MCC have thusly offered to rent out Steve Waugh, or even just his eyes, to the ICC to check when players are cheated.
Apparently Salman Butt walks around with his hands over his eyes when Waugh is around or looking at his compact mirror, much like Perseus did around Medusa.
A 30 second conversation with Steve Waugh will result in no less than 7 secrets coming out, cricket or otherwise.
His truth beacon eyes are like polygraph detecters, only not a bullshit pseudoscience, they actually work.
How he does it is by steeling his eyes up, making them tougher than a stone. Then he locks on your gaze with the sort of razor sharp eyes needed to cut Curtly Ambrose from a touch to close to off. Then he looks through your eyes, down past your brain, he finds your soul, and he mentally disintegrates your soul until it coughs up all your biggest secrets.
The Indians are still not 100% convinced with the system, they say that Steve Waugh's eyes, while being far more efficient a system for telling match fixers than a polygraph, are still not a system that they really believe in.
That hasn't stopped the MCC from suggesting that Steve Waugh's eyes could solve match fixing in cricket.
It's even rumoured to have already had an effect on cricket with Steve Waugh sat in a room with Daryl Harper and Harper admitted that he had never actually read the laws of cricket (which he called rules) and that he was generally incompetent as an umpire.
As if backing up the claims of Steve Waugh's gaze of truth, there is a wikileaks document stating that Steve Waugh can't be in a room with any American Peisdent, because even by accident he could find out the name of the remote control operator of the two 911 planes.
Fuck polygraphs, one quick bit of eye contact with Steve Waugh and you'll be saying your a match fixer, admitting to licking a doberman's ass for a dare and talking about how you like to Tarmac young boys.
There is truth, and then there is Steve Waugh truth.
I looked in Steve's eyes today, so I need to tell you that I've met him last year and the year before that.
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