Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 67

England's rampant criminality is a plus for cricket fans

You know if India had beaten England we'd have something approaching a kick ass world number 1.

Sure, since India surged past lifeless corpse test nations to grab the spot, they've been a bit drawy, but they've been fighting draws.

We want a number one team that has champion players and who fights like a tough kid with Lesbian parents.

India were pretty much that, they started every series down and out, but then came back hard and united, fighting their way to well earned draws.

There was something about them, and while I needed them to beat England to really jump on the India superpower rocket ship, I liked the way the way they played.

Now we are back to square one, again.

When South Africa became the number 1 test team it was largely a statistical thing, and when they actually had the chance to go number one properly they bottled it against Australia. They didn't feel like the awesome number one we were looking for.

India got there largely the same way, they seemed to have more fight than South Africa, and they got there in a slightly more charismatic way, but you know, they still hadn't won in Australia or South Africa, and their team seemed really old. Ray Price old.

When both teams made it to number one I complained that neither team was really this amazing dominant force, just the best we had at that given time. No South African fans complained, hundreds of Indian fans complained.

Now England has gone one worse, but they are making us start the calculations all over again.

By beating India, but not beating South Africa or winning much at all in the Subbie, they've given us another number one is probably the best right now, but who hasn't quite stormed the globe wreaking havoc and destruction on the world.

They might. They seem to find another fast bowler capable of averaging under 30 everytime David Saker looks in the fridge, their batsmen are boring batting gods, and Andy Flower could make the trains run on time in Italy.

But they still have a bit to go to being a dominant number one, rather than a statistical one that could be leapt over at any moment.

And what is worse is that if South Africa stomp on  the minnows Australia and the has been Sri Lankans, England lose their number one crown without even playing another test.

I mean, it's hard to get too excited for Team England's naked romp around the globe when there is a chance they won't even be number one next time they play.

England also make themselves hard to love with their professionality, which may not be a word, but it should be.

But their also not easy to hate, Broad and KP notable exceptions.

The good news is they have started their reign as number one by poaching Young Frankenstein Boyd Rankin from Ireland. Meaning that yet again, Ireland have the bowling of George Dockerell and a few blokes from the pub.

There are some people who are very upset at this, but I am not.

England may take a couple of years to fly around to all the backyards and beat up the weak kids, but this act of unnecessary crowd baiting arrogance is the exact sort of thing you'd expect from the world's kickass number 1.

It's a no lose situation for cricket fans, we either get England failing, and the laughs that come from that, or we get our new evil empire.

Hate doesn't lead you to the dark side, it leads you to number one.

Buy this you bastards.

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Australian Autopsy: How England Dissected Australia in the 2010/11 Ashes – oh yes, my new book now exists

Wait, don't slash your wrists along the veins in the way that most hollywood films won't show you.

I can understand that you want to kill yourself because of general unease in the middle east, the global economic situation or kids attacking shops. I know that somewhere a cute white child has gone missing and you've lost faith in humanity. Maybe the death of the shastribot is upsetting you deeply, or you're an international cricketer prone to suicide because cricket is a fucked up sport. I get it.

But don't slit that wrist just yet, first, buy my book.

Sure it's about the Ashes and you hate the Ashes, but I wrote it, and it has a scene of an Autopsy on the front.

I mean, it's totally balls to your face awesome.

The world is a fucked up place, and I understand why you may want to end your life, but it would be stupid of you to kill yourself before buying my book.



So buy it, and maybe some rat poison, via the internet and you can read the book and then go out on a high.

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For those who like to amazon.

Some of you like to book depository.

There is also flipkart and angus and robertson, but both seem to think the book is out of print, which seems odd.

As for you Kindle ePub fans, I am told there will be a downloadable version, but I don't know when just yet.

I know some of you sick depraved types like autographed copies, so you can email me via cwb at cricketwithballs.com and I'll charge you extra and scribble something down that not even I can read.

And as a special treat for all 7 of you who want it, I shall be recording my own Audio Book in the next two weeks or so, it will be me reading the book, probably abusing the bits I no longer like, and you know, mumbling a lot. It'll be a audiobook/author's commentary/podcast type nonsense.

Also, don't kill yourself, I don't want to go on if a reader of my site kills themself while Tony Greig still exists.

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two chucks at edgbaston with special guest star dileep

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two chucks at edgbaston with alastair cook

And you could also listen to me accusing Ashley Giles for being the reason Paul Harris exists.

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Smashing Alastair Cook with a large space rock

Alastair Cook seems like a nice guy.

OK the hunting and working class things are a bit odd, but I doubt he abuses small children or throws faeces at monkeys.

And I respect the fact that even though he has a fairly flawed technique he makes more runs than most whilst never sweating.

It's just that I've seen it.

A lot.

I've dreamt of him, fantasized about him being a reptilian, and seen more hours of him batting that I've seen Robocop 2, the Matrix, Predator and the 1985 Perry Mason Godzilla combined.

During the Ashes I thought it was because he was taking down my team, but no, it's not that, it's just Cook, he burrows into my skin and gently nudges away at my life force for days on end.

It's enough already with the fucken Alastair Cook.

Had I attacked a woman on the bus because I hated her hat, I'd probably get less hours of community service than one Cook innings.

They just go on and on, they never change, there is no difference, it's just the subtle strangulation of accumulation and death.

If Cook was a dictator, he wouldn't put his face on anything, or declare wednesday to be Alastairday, people would just start disappearing when they said anything that wasn't polite or Pro Cook.

That is why right now I want an Asteroid to come down to earth and smash into Cook as he turns it on the legside for one.

I can take no more, and if the only way to stop Cook is with this fiery space rock from hell, and I have to go with it, then fuck it, kill me, kill him, but make this stop.

Oh please make this stop.

Sometimes the only option is a large crushing force from above.

Please space rock, save me, save us all.

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two chucks at edgbaston with sehwag's fielding

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the two chucks get chased at edgbaston

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sachin moves me

Obviously I came to Edgbaston mostly because of Sehwag, and that was ruined after 5 minutes.

So then what?

All you can really do is test the new facilities of the press box.

So while Gambhir and Dravid seemed to have the situation under control, I christened the toilets for the Warwickshire board.

There I was, enjoying myself, it came out well, seemed to float, and reinforced my new decision to eat a lot of spinach.

I couldn't hear the cricket, I'd had forgotten my stupid little radio that never works.

Then all of a sudden there was a deep voice that said, Sachin Tendulkar.

That was all.

I was alone in the toilet having strange voices beaming the name of one man.

It instantly had more meaning than anything I had ever heard before.

Surely this low toned man was the voice of an angel, and he had chosen this moment to pass on the name of Sachin Tendulkar so that I knew something special was about to happen.

This voice was aimed squarely at me. It wasn't an accident. It was kismet.

I came out of the toilet feeling like I had been touched by something larger than me that really mattered.

It was spiritual and crickety, and my outlook had been changed by it.

Then I noticed that Sachin Tendulkar was out in the middle, and I thought that maybe I'd had some sort of vision or calling, dragging me from the newly polished special press toilets out to see Sachin.

It turned out that it was actually that the Edgbaston press boxes weird have a weird PA system that just picks and chooses words it pipes through the back of the building.

It was handy to know when a batsman was coming out, especially since these toilets seem soundproofed to stop people from inside the box hearing people do their business.

But it wasn't really the spiritual experience I was looking for.

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cricket's a riot

I'm not sure why I assumed that the Edgbaston test would be cancelled for tomorrow, but I did.

I thought two nights of rioting in the same city that a test match is scheduled for would be enough to cancel the test.

I was wrong.

According to the press release sent from the ECB on behalf of the Edgbaston Cricket Ground:

"E-mail from Inspector Howard Lewis Jones – Match Commander Edgbaston Cricket Ground

A lot of planning and preparation has gone into this event. We have worked very closely with the Club and police resources have been set accordingly.

The Test Match will not take away resources from policing the wider Birmingham area.

West Midlands police recognise the importance of this event and the spectators will be looking forward to this match."

A lot of planning has gone into lots of events, but does a cricket game have to go ahead just because people are looking forward to it.

Cricket's great, you and I like it, but you know, riots are a bit nuts, and they can get out of hand quickly.

I mean it is a riot, I know, I've seen a dude boarding up his pub and guys travelling around with bandanas.

Sure, it's a largely non-violent – unless you happen to be a police officer – riot, but after two nights of any kid of riot, even a fun one that was designed to get more soft serve ice cream into the city centre, you'd think the test would be cancelled.

Plus, riots are generally a bit unpredictable.

But the cricket will carry on.

Because cricket carries on, in England.

I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not, but if these riots were in the subbie, South Africa or the West Indies, I think if their boards released a presser saying that people were looking forward to the game so it will still go on, people might think that was a bit stupid, the ICC might poke their head around, and perhaps the other team might want to leave.

That doesn't seem to have happened, yet.

So this is either a brilliant triumph of cricket overcoming angry thugs or a fairly stupid attempt to pretend that a cricket game matters to a city while it struggles to contain it's violence on the streets.

Or both.

Or neither.

Or, fuck who really knows, but I've got to go now as I have to get up really early in the morning and catch a train to Brum.

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Kumar's other spirit of cricket lecture

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