Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 65

Are Pakistan considering a woman coach?

I'm obviously not the only person who is going to apply for the Pakistani position, the cricket couch already has, and even the great Sana Kazmi has applied.

Although perhaps applied is too strong a word.

Sana asked if women could apply:

Dear Mr Alam,

I am a passionate supporter of Pakistan cricket as well as of the PCB as an organization for its professionalism and outstanding work ethic. I would be delighted to apply for the Head Coach position, but before I do so, I wanted to check whether you are accepting applications from women.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards,

Sana Kazmi

For those who don't know Sana, you will one day. She is an intellectual machine who will either become the first World President, or a junkie who collects Fraggle Rock memorabilia and ends up with her own chat show.

If she were in any election I'd vote for her because she is amazingly intelligent, fiercely competent and breathtakingly passionate.

And I'm basing this on her twitter feed; in real life she's probably better than this.

This is a person that if it were not for her complete passion for cricket, or more importantly Pakistan cricket, would have already get the world of it's dependency on natural gas, worked out how to desalinate water and put an end to reality TV.

Instead she spends her time finding every part of cricket information that she can, trying in her own way to help Pakistan cricket.

That said, she has no coaching experience, so as a head coach, she could be rubbish. No more so than Geoff Lawson, but still.

In her email she doesn't say she has no coaching experience, in fact, other than blowing smoke up the ass of her potential employers and not using any coach speak like areas or skillsets, she says nothing of her background at all. She just comes off as an eager well-spoken woman who is asking if women can apply, not even coach, but just apply for the job.

This is the reply:

Dear Sana,

Thank you very much for your mail. I am sorry to in form you that we are not considring women for coaching job.

Regards.

Intikhab Alam

Boom, boom.

No one is going to be surprised that Pakistan isn't about to appoint a woman head coach. I mean if it is going to happen anywhere, you'd probably put your money on each and every other test-playing nation before Pakistan.

While it may happen one day in the future, right now there aren't really that many women anywhere near coaching positions anywhere in the world. Belinda Clark is involved with the Australian Academy, and may shortly have a better title than that when the CA bingo is finished. And Gemma Broad is an analyst for the English team. Neither looks likely to become head coaches anytime soon. Most of the rest of the women in cricket work in the media or administrative side of things, and I can't see Natalie Germanos, Sharda Ugra, Chloe Saltau, Donna Symonds and Alison Mitchell getting the Sri Lankan coaching job anytime soon.

It is funny that he even took time to respond, and that when he did he chose the option that seems like harder work. I mean how hard is it to say yes, and then just ignore all the emails from women, that's how a proper chauvinist would do it.

For the record, I don't think Sana Kazmi should be the Pakistan Coach, but she would make a kick ass head of the PCB, or even, a top-notch Head of Cricket operations.

If, as Intikhab Alam so poetically put it, the Pakistan players are mentally retarded and not toilet trained, I'd back her to fix that quicker than anyone else the PCB will employ.

As let's be honest, the PCB's male employees have not really been doing so well for them that they can just ignore 50% of the population.

And maybe it isn't just women that they draw the line at, perhaps sufferers of dwarfism and albinism are out, camp homosexuals probably wouldn't be allowed to apply and I doubt Pakistan would ever take an application from anyone who thought Greedo should have shot first.

That's the problem with discrimination; if you stop the brightest and the best from being involved you end up with Ijazz Butt, some random white coach and Intikhab Alam having to teach toilet manners to idiots.

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My application for the Pakistani coaching position

It's application season again at cricket with balls.

Since I was so busy working on a one day series that the players didn't even care about, I missed out on the plum job of printing out fact sheets for John Buchanan's New Zealand.

But I missed it, and John gave it to a dude from Lawn Bowls.

I should be mad, but I'm not.

The Lawn Bowls dude getting a job shows that all of us are now qualified to work in cricket, and with several jobs available, this is the best time to apply.

The Pakistani coaching job seems like the easiest to apply for, and also, will be the one I am most suited for.

Being that all they ask for is a resume (I mean come on, how piss easy is that?) I have attached my CV at the bottom of this post, and will also send it too intikhab@nca.com.pk.

 

The Jrod

Just one man and mostly less than that.

 

Escaping the womb with a well-judged three, I was born into a family of cricket fundamentalists.  Over dinner there would be talk about when the new ball should be taken, why two fielders in gully can be handy and how to properly balance a batting order.  Years passed and these conversations kept happening with family, friends and occasionally with drunken strangers or passionate taxi drivers.  Then when my film production company was stalling, I came to the UK and became the cricket-writing outcast I am today. Knowing that any attempt at a normal CV to your fine Cricket Side would be futile, I have changed a previous one to prove that not only do I have what it takes to Coach the mighty Pakistani side, I am your only option.

 

Shitting by a train

A real coach makes the tough calls even if he looks like a fool publicly.

 

We've all defecated in a public situation after a few drinks, but my public episode was not due to drinking.  Years ago when on my way to an afternoon rendezvous with a lady who wasn't worth it, I caught the wrong bus, ended up in the middle of nowhere walking by a train line and needing a shit.  Now, there were two options, either take that shit near the train line, and show up fresh to her, or barge into her place demanding I use the toilet.  I took the tougher option and did my business right out in the open, which was fine, until the train came by.  From there I used napkins and newspapers to clean myself, and then went about my awkward copulation when I arrived at her place.

 

Two Pakistan shirts

No one puts a tiger in the corner.

 

You'll get a lot of overseas coaches applying for this job.  Most of them will be selfish carpet baggers trying to get a few extra column inches before Australia, India, South Africa or England come calling.  Not me, I've wanted to coach Pakistan my whole life.  I consider it the one job in cricket I am actually perfect for.  I won't be hugging Shoaib or holding large books that no one has ever finished, I'll be wearing a Pakistan knock off ODI kit.  I am just that passionate about Pakistan cricket.  And if anyone in the press abuses our boys too much, I'll challenge them to a jelly wrestling contest.

 

Match fixing

A little from column A, a little from column B.

 

If you are completely against Match fixing, illegal book making syndicates and want a pure and free Pakistan cricket team, I'm your man.  I will declare a war on match fixing at my first press conference and wear a t shirt with a cross through Hansie Cronje's face on it.  However, if you are for match fixing, and want to continue this practice, I can also be of help.  What you want to do is tone it down a bit. I suggest just doing it against the kiwis.  I mean, who is going to remember the result of a New Zealand Pakistan ODI 8 minutes after it finishes?

 

Coaching experience

Mill Park Under 16s assistant coach

 

Other than one unproductive stint as an amateur junior assistant coach, my resume is empty.  This should not been seen as a negative, but as a positive.  I mean even that sentence proves that I have the skills to become a coach.  What I don't have is an overabundance of experience weighing me down.  I'm fresh and clean, and I won't be plagued by previous mistakes that I haven't made.  I will essentially the Shahid Afridi of cricket coaches, and even though I am younger than he was when he hade his debut, I think that I am your man.

 

Conclusion

The end or close; final part.

 

As a country you need to decide, do we want a coach who is responsible, well-meaning, considered, analytical, good with people, respected and has a great cricket brain, or do you want a slice of the Jrod.  The choice is easy, nothing is more Pakistani than the Jrod.

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the two chucks end the summer

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explaining the west indies squad

Annoyed by the fact that the West Indies have to tour England in Winter for a T20 TV contract series, the West Indies selectors have made up cricketers that will be touring.

These players don't exist, and there will be no tour, it's just a trick so that by the time Sky notice it will be too late and they'll be forced to call off the whole thing.

It's a genius move by the WICB, who are not known for genius, or even moderate intelligence.

To make it feel more real, they have even thrown in a few real names like DJ Sammy, Marlon Samuels, CWB's Andrew Russell and Dwayne Smith.

But most of this squad is clearly made up names.

For instance, Nkruma Bonner might be listed as a leg spinner, but Nkruma was the code name for a Kazakhstan oil refinery, and Bonner is an American oil company.

It  goes on.

Johnson Charles was the name of the alter ego of Perry Mason in the first pornographic lawyer flicks.

It's also quite obvious that Miles Bascombe is a paid for advertisement of the Bascombe road works company.

Derwin Christian was the original suspect in the assassination of Tupac.

Krishmar Santokie; a prototype Indian/Japanese whisky.

Ashley Nurse is a unimaginative stripper name.

The Danza Hyatt is the latest theme hotel in Vegas, based on legendary who's the boss star Tony Danza.

And Christopher Barnwell was the original name of Winnie the Pooh's lover.

Originally in the squad were Nixon McClean and Chadwick Walton, but on further inspection both were names of real cricketers.

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the hand of legspin

[image error]There was a time when my right hand was used for nothing more than masturbating over whatever sick preggo midget inter racial fruit based shizer porn I could find.

Those were good days, don't get me wrong, but now my right hand is used for much more than that.

My right hand is Wisden's newest hand of legspin.

Wisden are releasing a coaching book, because, well, who knows, but they are, and somehow I got myself at the photo shoot, and after a bit of off screen consulting, mostly trying to work out how you show a flipper in still photos, my hand was needed.

When people turn to legspin, the first thing they need to know is how to hold the ball, and that is what my hand shows them.

It is cocked, locked and ready to rip, just how you like it.

Some might see it as luck, that I was just in the right place at the right time, but I've watched Star Wars, and I know things like this don't happen by accident.

I was sent to this world to share my right hand with everyone, in legspin and in life, things don't happen by accident.

Wisden have put legspin into my safe hand, and from here on in I vouch to let my hand guide young children into the dark arts of legspin.

{Insert child molesting legspin based joke here}

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Nathan's broken face is just the beginning

It was bound to happen. It's been brewing for some time now, and if it was going to happen to anyone, it was going to happen to Nathan.

Frankly, the way Cricket Australia has treated them, and encouraged others to treat them, it is amazing it has taken this long.

But now the truth lays bloodstained on the floor of a Hervey Bay pub.

Australian spinners are now victims of hate crimes.

Some will suggest that Nathan Hauritz getting punched is a one off thing, and the police and Cricket Australia will try and spin it that way, but it's simply not true.

The Australian public turned against this section of society a while back, and with fear mongering from the Spinnerist media and fire starting by Cricket Australia it was clear that a mob mentality would turn this violent.

Hauritz was lucky to survive his attack, but it isn't just him.

Xavier Deoherty was denied access to a pub in Devonport, when he asked why the security guy told him his sort weren't welcome there.

Bryce McGain was spat on by an elderly woman in a café.

Beau Casson was given a wedgie by several mean high school bullies.

And Greg Matthews was pelted with eggs, although that might be unrelated.

Nathan Lyon has picked a very good time to be out of the country.

Young kids who bowl spin are already being disowned by their parents, or being told to do it in private.

Old coaching manuals are being burnt for having any mention of Spin.

There is even a conspiracy that Shane Warne's new appearance has been done just so he can distance himself from his spinning past.

'I hate spinners' facebook groups are popping up every day and pouring more bile inducing vitriol onto these pour spinners.

Some are selling 'bash a spinner' bumper stickers.

One day we could remember Nathan Hauritz being whacked in the face as the moment when we had a choice, we can stand up for them now, or watch the mob rip all of them piece to piece.

Otherwise one day we could find ourselves saying, first they came for the right arm offspinner, and I did not speak out because I was not a right arm offspinner…

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The Two Chucks out Kapil Dev as a chuck's fan

And this is the interview where Sam calls Farokh Engineer a pleasure giver.

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David Warner ends the need for cricket satire

"CA's NSP announces David Warner will travel to Sri Lanka as standby player for Ricky Ponting who is returning home for birth of 2nd child".

That is what Cricket Australia tweeted.

Well that's it then, my job here is clearly redundant.

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Nathan Lyon: Is that you, Jesus?

Have you ever sat back and thought about how people knew Jesus was their saviour.

I mean, he did some cool shit, but if he did the same shit now he'd be wearing a suit with shoulder pads and staring like a sex pest into the camera.

People were obviously easier to impress in those days, I mean, if I went back with an iPhone and a torch five minutes after Jesus, there would probably be paintings of a whiter than usual version of me half naked with a six pack and manly beard on walls around the world.

Recent Australian spinners like Jesus, they're often sacrificed.

Recent Australian cricket fans are like medieval people, desperate for salvation.

But is Lyon actually the real deal.

I mean was today's spell was more water into wine more than walking on water.

Because this pitch looks like it wants nothing more than wickets.

If any pitch in world cricket is going turn water into wine it's this one.

You can almost suggest that the pitch has done more dramatic party tricks than Lyon, it turned Shane Watson into a Test bowler, that's fucken biblical.

The Galle pitch or not, people will flock to Lyon and ask him to cure them of their spin woes.

It's inevitable, because they have been starved for so long, well only four years, but it feels like 40 years in the desert to most of us.

It would be unfair on the back of one innings to say that Lyon is or isn't a spin bowling messiah, yet, it will happen.

Desperate people want to believe, and Lyon's scruffy I've been walking through the desert look combined with the fact he just magically appeared with no one really documenting his life before this will mean that he will thought of as a saviour.

Even if just for this one test.

The problem is Nathan Lyon is just a man, he can probably turn water into wine when conditions favour it, but he'll drown if he tries to walk on water.

It's also possible that he is a false prophet, that this is just some random fluke that he can never repeat again.

And don't say that can't happen, I've still got my monogrammed 'Jason Krejza is my saviour' dressing gown.

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Can you kill Greg Chappell?

There has been a lot of rumour about how Greg Chappell will be fired, let go, deflated or re-structured out of cricket Australia. Some think he may just leave because of his pride has been wounded.

Ofcourse I find it odd that you need a review into the whole cricket structure to see that Greg Chappell was a destabilizing influence on a cricket team, I'd have thought the South Australian, Indian and Australia A players who had the benefit of his Guru mind would have been able to tell Cricket Australia ahead of time that Greg, former champion that he is, is utterly living in a world far removed from anything resembling reality.

It's Gregland, where all batsmen have their bats on the ground until the bowler delivers and he finds superstar cricketers when building his house made of fairy floss.

It takes more than a bomb or bullet to kill someone in their own reality. No, if James Sutherland wants to end this national talent manager, he'll need more than a manilla folder at his side.

That's also why I struggle to believe that Greg will actually go. This isn't like Hilditch, we know he is gone, he even seemed happy to leave, but Greg isn't like him.

Greg's survived his own personality and Sourav Ganguly, the two most corrosive substances known to man, so how could a fucken report do him in?

What needs to happen here is Sutherland has to travel into Gregland with a stake, silver bullet, chainsaw and a copy of Bob Woolmers the art and science of cricket.

His first adventure will be overcoming the Ganguly gully of ghastliness.

Then he shall have to defeat the teetotal trees of destruction.

After that he'll have to take down the underarm underclass soldiers.

Then, and only then, will little James be ready to take down the Greg himself.

He'll need Bob Woolmer's book to distract Greg while he plunges the stake through the heart, shoots the silver bullet into his hide, and takes his head off with the chainsaw.

That might still not be enough, but at the very least that should stop Greg entering the changing room and annoying the players.

You can't kill him, I mean if you could, surely someone would have by now.

Ofcourse, Australia's other option is getting him a job with the opposition team before each series…

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