Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 74

Australia fail to upskill their bowling coach department by picking the bankrupt Paris Hilton of cricket

Australia just had their most important decision to make since they were woken up by England and the World Cup pissing on them.

Did they select a bowling coach that was a former good ol boy in McDermott, Bichel or Gillespie?

Did they keep going with little known well respected first class coaches like Allister De Winter?

Or did  they for the first time in their history admit that perhaps they are not at the forefront of cricket coaching and Allan Donald, who has just improved Tim Southee's bowling and pace, might just be the best option?

They chose McDermott.

De Winter has done a brilliant job with Tasmania, they've just won the shield title, their little known bowlers have stepped up, and he seems to get the most out of players like Maher and Butterworth who were weapons this year.

Donald's coaching record was a bit more up and down, but he was coming off his work with Southee and New Zealand, he even kept Oram together for a whole world cup, which means he is good with sticky tape.

McDermott's record as a coach is not that brilliant.  He's worked with the Queensland side and academy, without the level of admiration or results that De Winter has, or without the international experience and results that Donald has.

Plus, McDermott has more baggage than a 1850s French Princess touring the world.

In his recent past there is a sex video scandal where he was blackmailed for reportedly eight months before telling the police.

Claims that he allegedly didn't pay child support despite living the high life.

And the massive cherry on top is that he was the man in charge of a business that ended up owing people 40,000,000 AUD.

Yet, he was still picked as coach.

Good for him.  Hopefully he brings Australia to glory and manages to get his real estate developing back on track.

Not only was McDermott given this job, but another good ol boy was promoted.

Langer went from batting coach to assistant coach.

I like what Langer says about batting, But he has been in charge of an under performing senior batting line up for 18 months.

His words might sound good, but the constant cheer of the opposition supporters when Australia are "batting" drowns them out.

Would McDermott or Langer be employed in their positions right now if Langer was a plucky shield cricketer who never quite made it and McDermott only played a handful of tests due to injury.  Who knows.

I do know that it's all beginning to feel like a job for the boys situation, and not for the first time there seems to be coaches in shield cricket (Shipperd, Arthur, Helmott, Berry and De Winter) who all seem more qualified for the jobs than Nielsen, Langer and McDermott.

Although we'd all like to see a Micky Arthur sex tape.

The enquiry to look into Australian cricket, that is run by former captains of McDermott and Langer, in association with Cricket Australia has so far got rid of the part time fielding coach, promoted the batting coach and picked a bowling coach ahead of at least two better options.

Australia was known for having the best and most sought after bowling coaches in world cricket, but could you imagine any other country employing Craig McDermott as their bowling coach? The ECB almost hired him as their bowling coach, and then they talked to him. Then they laughed.

It seems Australia cricket is in safe incestuous good ol boy hands.

 

Craig McDermott's sex tape

 

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What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims' new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn't, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you're looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you're looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He's not stylish or that sexy, but he's a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you're looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that's part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it's just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn't want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can't imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he's a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He's a man's man, he'll try all day, he's willing to fix his appearance and he'll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket's most eligible bear.  If you're a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he's a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis' fingers have it all.  Although, once you've worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don't think I've forgotten about you, if you're a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you're a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn't the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you're not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that's why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn't have any feelings for me.  So I decided I'd have to become straight.

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The New Retirement

Player is not contemplating retirement. Team mates support him.

Player is contemplating retirement.  Team mates talk about what a great guy he is.

Player then performs well and forgets all talk of retirement.

Cricket Board announces a press conference for a senior player.

The media start writing Eulogies for player's career.

Player says he is retiring from one form of cricket to concentrate on the other two or is quitting one of captaincy, keeping, bowling and trips to Bangladesh.

Everyone love the player for 48 hours.

Player tells wife/girlfriend/lover/male flatmate that he is completely retiring from cricket.

Player's confidant tells their friend the journalist.

Player then denies the story when it is written.

Shortly after there is another press conference and player quits from all other forms of cricket except the IPL.

Player turns up unfit to IPL and suddenly sees the best batting, bowling and fielding ever in an IPL game.

Player then retires from the IPL, on twitter.

Player is now 100% retired from cricket.

Player receives a call from a Zimbabwe cricket official asking if he wants to play some domestic cricket.

Player doesn't announce anymore comebacks or retirements.

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Alastair Cook Gets the Black Spot

Back in days of yore, the black spot was the pirate death sentence, a mark handed from from one to another which said 'your days are numbered'

The modern day equivalent is being captain of the England one day side. To be given the leadership of the team which seems fated never to win a World Cup – hell, which blew a Champions Trophy final at home, against the Windies, in the rain – is to seal your own fate as a one day player.

Look at the recent history:

Stewart – failed to combine captaincy, opening the batting, keeping wicket and waking up Alan Mullally to the selectors' satisfaction and sacked after 1999 World Cup;

Hussain – abandoned during the 2003 World Cup and felt compelled to issue a massive two fingers to the waiting media after a maiden ODI ton at Lord's in his final ODI in England;

Hollioake – sacked for winning the Sharjah Trophy (possibly)

Vaughan – never made an ODI hundred

Flintoff – won only 4 games as captain

Collingwood – lost captaincy after being banned for slow over rate, largely due to running to speak to the bowler after every ball

Pietersen – no explanation needed

Strauss – failed in World Cup and repeatedly thrashed by Australia despite actually improving as a batsman in this format of the game

 

Cook has yet to prove himself as a batsman in one day cricket. Giving him the captaincy would appear to give him no chance of doing so. Whatever he might say tomorrow, Andy Flower hasn't given him a promotion, he's asked him to walk the plank.

 

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Jrod's New Job

A couple of days ago, Jrod announced with uncharacteristic modesty that he had been appointed editor of a monthly cricket magazine. In his post, he was very anxious to reassure everyone that nothing around here would change. And indeed it probably won't.

But spare a thought for the poor Minions at SPIN Cricket Monthly. Jrod's never had Minions before (I don't count, I'm more like the jock itch he can't get rid of). How long before one of them explodes, I wonder?

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Congratulations, Jrod. Go easy on them.

 

(Jrod appears courtesy of photographer extraordinaire Sarah Ansell (www.sarahcanterbury.com). Minions appear courtesy of Universal Pictures. Genius photoshopping by the brilliant Ceci Masters (swanningabout.wordpress.com)

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Hashan Tillakaratne's in a fix

If you know of match fixing and you speak up, that takes some sort of balls.

However, if you know of match fixing, and you speak up saying you know details of match fixing, but don't actually substantiate your claims of match fixing, what does that mean?

Does it mean you're full of shit?

Or trying to get more publicity for your actual announcement?

Or is just what old grumpy bastards do when they aren't talked about that much?

Cause Hashan Tillakaratne's comments don't make much sense to me.

"This has spread like a cancer today. There were threats of this issue being exposed at various times. But it was pushed down by giving money to various people. If the people who were responsible for that are listening to this, I state this today with great responsibility, I will shortly reveal the names of those responsible."

Why shortly, why not just now?

If you know who is involved, you know and you can say it.

King Kumar things he shouldn't throw names out there, which I agree with, unless he knows and can prove who is guilty.  Then he should. He should throw like fuck.

If it were any other ex-player, I might almost accept his reluctance to just name names.

But my one really strong memory of Hashan was an incident in an ODI against Australia. And it was that long ago that I am sure all the details are wrong or made up.

It seemed so normal, he played a shot, was caught at point, and should have just left the crease.

Instead he stood his ground and claimed he hit the ball straight into the pitch.

It was before the days of third umpires, and the umpires just didn't seem sure as to whether it was out.

Hashan was kept at the crease.

On the replays it showed that it hit the top edge and went straight up in the air.

Hashan had fooled them all.

It was my sort of cricket, but it doesn't make him more trustworthy.

Ofcourse, it's late, and maybe all those details are wrong.

That is still my memory of Hashan and I'm just not ready to jump into bed with Hashan until he comes out with actual details.

Also, all this could all be a ruse set up by the former Sri Lankan selectors to cover the fact that they completely ended their teams chances in the world cup final with their stupid four changes.

That would mean that Hashan was guilty of spot fixing his comments…

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Australian cricket is saved

The Australian has reported that Mike Young, Australian fielding coach, has been let go.

Well, that's it then.

Australian cricket has done exactly what it needed to do, get rid of the one man who was holding them all back.

I was worried that they might keep Young, and that fielding would be the major problem.

Now with him gone their selection, administration, coaching, batting and bowling can be unshackled my this American man.

In fact, my Nan always said Americans were out to get Australians.

I always thought she was mental, but Les D'Arcy and Phar Lap deaths always seemed dodgy, now we can add Mike Young and his fielding coaching sabotage to that.

Americans have tried to bring down Australian cricket, but with the sacking of Mike Young Australia will rise to the top with sharp slip catching and relay throws from hell.

You don't have to fear Mike anymore, boys, soft hands from here on in.

EDIT: Scientologists have just tried to take over Melbourne. This is obviously in retaliation and just more proof that Americans can't be trusted. Fuck you, Mike Young.

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My new job

It should be pointed out I'm now the editor of spin cricket magazine.

I know, right.

I probably won't call myself editor, currently I'm thinking of calling myself grand poobah, wizard master or word goblin.

None of this should change what goes on here.

I'll still be talking shit and embracing nonsense.

I'll just also be the word goblin for Spin Cricket Magazine.

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Duncan Fletcher saves Indian cricket with Ashley Giles

Duncan Fletcher's first speech as Indian coach:

"For too long India have picked spin bowlers with guile and skill.  It's a terrible trait that will never last in the long run.

Guile and skill are fine as a surprise tactic, but for long term success you need someone who will literally add little to your team other than work ethic and a sensible haircut.

Other lesser cricket coaches may have needed these surprise tactics to win some tests, but I don't need them.  What I need is bowlers who bowl 90mph plus and spinners who are really more there for team morale.

Spinners shouldn't be eccentric or the main part of your attack.  They are there because they are smart enough to gently roll their fingers and occasionally bowl defensive legside tactics.

India have never understood this, and that is why I have requested that they pick Ashley Giles their tour to England.

From what I understand there are some administration details that still need to be smoothed out, but this will go through. Or I'll write some self important columns in newspapers to embarrass those who don't allow it.

I love India, and I think their team is ok.  However, players like Sachin and Virender can learn something from Ashley, here is a man who made it to the top level of cricket simply because no one ever noticed he existed. Unlike them he didn't use talent, he just never turned up late to a training session and always helped put out the cones.

That's what India needs from their spinners.

Forget doosras, teesras and carrom balls, India needs gentle roll from a invisible team player.

Actually, you don't even need me here, just get Ashley in, he's in just as good of form as he was when he played.

I'd like to be a rugby consultant. I have some ideas…I love my rugby, I would rather watch rugby than cricket. I'm passionate about it, it's the game I'd like to have been involved in.

Does India have a rugby team?"

 

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Eddo Brandes' pads

I still can't believe that no one has bought Eddo's pads.

[image error]I'm disappointed in you all, and myself.

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