Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 75

Cricket Australia reach for maximum credibility

Since Sharad Pawar saw public opinion turning against him (one advantage to politicians being in cricket) and floated the idea of a possible change to the fascist 2015 world cup, most cricket boards have remained mute.

Perhaps that's because they didn't want to open their mouths and admit yet again that they don't really care about cricket.

Cricket Australia decided to speak out.  They want the the 2015 world cup to have maximum credibility.

Forget for one moment they used the phrase maximum credibility and picture this.

By 2015 Ireland  could be ranked the 9th ODI side in the world and not be in the world cup.

Now think of the phrase maximum credibility.

I can understand why the Australians have finally taken an interest in the next world cup, they've just realised it's at their place. So it didn't matter to them that the last two world cups were flabby, but now it does.

The problem is that Cricket Australia's idea of maximum credibility is flawed.

They told Shaun Tait he couldn't play in the IPL and then a few weeks later they dropped him from their contacted list.

They had a selector who didn't watch cricket on TV.

Their chairman of selectors didn't know that their new spin prospect had only just moved to Perth.

In press releases they use statements they use phrases like cricket stakeholders and maximum credibility.

Their former captain was convinced of technology from over a hundred metres away.

They made a mistake about justifying Nathan Hauritz's promotion, and then made up a fake plane timetable to justify it.

The selectors claimed they had done a good job after the Ashes.

They gave a struggling coach a three year deal just before he would lose an Ashes and go out in the quarter finals of the world cup.

It now looks entirely possible that they and India helped fix an ICC investigation.

They banned ICL players from coaching youngsters to curry favour with India only to then…

Put forward the name of John Howard even though they knew that he was a dick, that his promotion wouldn't go through and that New Zealand had a perfectly adequate person for the job.

They told Getty Images that all Ashes books that wanted photos would have to get permission off Cricket Australia.

They picked Phil Hughes for Perth and tried to convince Cameron White he was a test spinner.

When Michael Clarke was booed by the crowd they said he wasn't, then admitted he was, but talked about how popular he was with young people.

They took a normal List A cricket format and made it more confusing, less exciting and made it resemble no international competition in the world.

They gave Greg Chappell a made up Third Reich title and didn't seem to know why the players had no idea who chairman of selectors was.

Selected the whole country in their pre-Ashes squad.

Maximum credibility?

I think for maximum credibility Cricket Australia should stop making public statements.

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A Subtle Knife

We don't dish out too much advice here at the Balls. It just isn't our thing to tell you what you should do or think.

However, if you are thinking that you might like a career that involves any kind of writing, you need to read this piece by Scyld Berry, the former editor of Wisden.

Berry isn't alone in having had the boot from a job he loved. It's happened to me, certainly. I just lacked the skill to write about it in such a brilliantly destructive way.

Just about every word is a knife to the body of Wisden's owners – but a knife so subtle they won't notice until their flesh starts dropping off like sliced salami.

There's the reference to the man who sacked him no longer being with the company, coupled with the veiled suggestion that they should have asked him to come back when the guy left.

Then there's the line about friendship seldom generating such warmth, a very clever way of saying he feels shafted by people he regarded as mates which only becomes apparent when you read it in context and realise that it is complete bollocks.

The biggest cut of all – a slash through the ribcage with a rapier thin blade – is the mention of the years he had been in the business when he became editor just about qualifying him to choose the cricketers of the year. At the time, he had been a cricket writer for 30 years. At that point, the new editor was only 32 years old.

In short, it is a superbly written, magnificently bitter, assault on his former employers. Whatever you might think about the way that Berry edited Wisden over the past four years, this proves that the man has lost none of his powers as a writer.

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Dilshan Dilshan is the new Sri Lanka captain

Tillakaratne Dilshan has been named Sri Lankan captain for all three forms of the game, or so the press release in front of me says.

Curiously, though, the appointment is only for the forthcoming tour of England, and no vice-captain has been named. The press release states that the other prospective candidates are nursing injuries, although no matter how often I read it I still can't work out if they mean that the vice-captaincy is vacant because Angelo Mathews is injured, or Dilshan is captain because Angelo Mathews is injured.

What they should have done is been honest and said that they were going to give the job to Angelo Mathews, only they realised that making someone who doesn't actually exist your international captain is a bad idea, because England tried it with Chris Cowdrey back in 1988 and look where it got them.

All of which leaves Dilshan with three big problems. One is that he knows he is only captain because he can look in a mirror and see himself. Another is that, at 34, he's older than the guy who stood down because he thought he was too old for the job. And the biggest is that, before he was Tillakaratne Dilshan and inventing the Dilscoop, he was Tuwan Mohamad Dilshan, a Muslim who didn't get picked for Sri Lanka very often.

In an inspired move, he converted to Buddhism and took the name of the nation's cricket captain, who was Hasan Tillakaratne, thereby (a) catching the selectors' eye at last (b) committing the most shameless suck-up in cricket history and (c) knocking into a cocked helmet Mohammed Yousuf's theory that converting to Islam is the best way to become an international success.

Now, of course, Dilshan has a big problem. Bearing the name of your favourite captain is fine if you are a humble peon. But once you are the captain, you have to back yourself. Because if you are not your own favourite captain, then you shouldn't really be in the job.

In other words, Tillakaratne Dilshan is now going to have to change his name to Dilshan Dilshan. Which would sound silly if it were not for the fact that one of his team mates is Herath Herath.

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balls profiles: harbhajan singh

Is called the turbanator because he wears a turban and he once took a shit load of wickets. If he had taken the wickets with a dickie cap on, he could have been the dickinator. Was once part of the best non-spinning spin attacks in cricket history. In India he is one of the most deadly beasts on earth, outside of India he is much more like a grumpy old uncle. Celebrated the Perth test win more than any 12th man ever has. Is prone to dancing, and to be fair, is not bad. Is not liked by Matthew Hayden, it's possible they're lovers. Slapped Sreesanth in the face. Called Roy something. You can see him as a pious fierce nationalist with terrific skill in offspin and an inflated sense of himself, a cunt, or a decent bowler who loves the cameras a bit much. Or perhaps all three. Has a doosra, bowls with long sleeves.

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Bat porn

It's that time of the year when we talk about bats. The old batsman has already beaten me to it, but he really likes his bats.

So I don't really need to do it, it's just that I haven't played a game of cricket yet and it feels sunny outside, and bats are cool.

Hawk gave me a bat back in 09, and it's still a cannon that will probably hurt anyone who comes near me.

I also still have a Charlie French sitting around, which is smaller than the Hawk, but it does pack a violent punch.

There is also an old GM Maestro, with stickers on the back, that still hits pretty good although it does look like a bat from another century, which it may be.

That doesn't mean I can't look around.

Of all my looking, nothing makes me more excited than the Joker.

[image error]It's a black cat bat, a new UK company.

The most important thing is that it's one of these new innovative bats.

Light with extra beef, is how I'd like to explain it.

Less blade, the same amount of bat, but without it looking like a stupid rowing paddle.

It's no mongoose, this bat looks like a bat, just a normal that's been doing some weights.

This is the bat I would buy if I didn't own three bats.

Not only does this bat look like the sort of thing you'd need to survive an apocalypse, it also has accessories.

There are t shirts.

Not enough bats come with t shirts.

Ofcourse if you don't want a innovative bat with a t shirt, you could just support a first class cricketer who has made two 99 not outs.

Then you could buy a venom bat.

They're big and beefy as well, and every bat sold is given a kiss by Brett Geeves before you receive it.

These are the bats I'd go with, but you might need a helmet.

You could buy a normal helmet, but you should really buy an ayrtek helmet.

Not because they're safer, or lighter, or made of a metal that you can only find on the nostromo.

But because they look like they could be a space age sex prop in a French Sci-Fi flick.

And then, when you have your bat, or bats, and your head is safe, you should get a beanie, because GM make them now.

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balls profile: Umar Gul

Perhaps the longest face of any bowler in world cricket.  Gul is known for his yorkers in T20 cricket, his wides in ODI cricket and his general blandness in test cricket.  Little is known about Gul, mostly because he has never had genital warts or carried drugs through an airport.  Would probably be more respected if he had proper Pakistani fast bowling hair.  It's important if you are not Pakistani to pronounce it Gull, as in Seagull, as it shows a certain respect to your Pakistani friends.  Is the only man to master reverse swing in T20 cricket which must mean he has some of the greatest ball tampering skills in history.  Respect.

 

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balls profile: kane williamson

People have never used the word moxy to describe Kane Williamson, mostly because they don't use that word much anymore. Kane's brief career has had innings of moxy involved, not big bad innings that make people weep, but just innings with a touch of moxy. His bowling is clearly a chuck. Now what he wants to do in his career is either learn to turn his innings from moxy to monumental, or never take a big haul of wickets so that the opposition get angry enough to mention that he chucks. Right at the moment his action resembles a young kid who is learning to throw darts, people have noticed it, they just don't care yet. Can blow bubbles in gum while waiting for the bowler to come in. There is something about his forehead.

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Why cricket blogs matter

I am sure there are some who believe that Wisden putting a section devoted to blogging (although it was a small one this year when no bloggers faked their identity or death) is some sort of heresy.

"Women in the longroom, black people captaining the Windies and blogs in Wisden, it's just not cricket."

I think it's necessary for cricket to have independent and unedited opinion, plus dick jokes.

Bloggers don't often stumble across little unknown nuggets, but when they do, they'll publish them.

The best example of this is happening right now.

This isn't some fake IPL bullshit, this is the real deal.

The website is Wicbexpose.

It is essentially wikileaks just about the WICB.

On it you can find out that the Jamaican Cricket Association credit card was used for 700,000 on Burger King.

How Conde Riley declared he was resigning, but never actually resigned.

Ottis Gibson's bullet points on why Chris Gayle is too stupid to captain.

And so many other little juicy tidbits that I am sure the WICB doesn't want aired.

Before this I didn't even know cricket administracrats are Burger King.

It's brilliant blogging, and if I were to write a piece on blogs for next years Wisden, it would definitely get a mention even if it doesn't post another post.

That's what I love about blogs, that freedom to take the piss and say what you feel, if in this case you seem to be getting fed sensitive information daily, it makes it even more exciting.

The blogs I mentioned in Wisden this year were the old batsman, paddlesweep, bored cricket crazy indians, last of the summer whine, night watch girl, sacricketblog, the corridor, short of a length, the cricket watcher's journal, cricket action art, ducking beamers, play for country not for self, thoughts from the dustbin, fantasy bob and if you can hack illegally through the times paywall there is cricket central.

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Wisden is here

Somehow cricket is slowly letting me into its back cavity. There I was, dressed all in black like I was heading to a mobster's funeral, the only man without a bow tie, deep inside cricket's most feted orifice, the Lord's longroom.

Obviously the Lord's secret service hadn't properly checked me. I was just allowed to sit not far from Mike Brearley and Clive Lloyd in the Lord's long room for the Wisden Almanack Dinner.

I was surrounded by paintings of cricketers who were mostly white, and mostly dead, and in the company of cricket people who were mostly the same.

To show how important the occasion was, I wore a suit, tie and put gel in my hair. The evening started with some kind of prayer, because God is the ultimate cricket administracrat.

Then I read the menu, it was Confetti duck, quail egg and other assorted foods that I wouldn't ever eat unless I was forced too. Free wine though, no other free booze which seems unfair.

There was an ode to the Queen as well, as she invented cricket.

While I was still digesting the quail egg (which is really just a small posh regular egg, I mean really, just give me an egg, it's cheaper and has more egg in it), Scyld Berry was announcing that it would have been nice if he was asked back to edit Wisden again, instead of being assholed. The room got a little tense at this.

Luckily that was all forgotten when there was a round table discussion about how Asia was ruining world cricket. Or something like that.

I say round table discussion, it was more people saying things into microphones, and then people yelling out from the crowd, and then a woman from the BBC shouting bullshit.

I think hearing a woman from the BBC say bullshit in the Lord's Long Room was worth me putting gel in my hair.

Then at 3AM I saw Matthew Engel dancing.

It was quite an event.

All of this fun was in aide of the new Wisden Almanack.

In which I have another piece with swearing in it. It's about blogs and twitter and things like that.

You can buy the book here, or you can just go into a store, turn to page 151, revel in my work, put it down and then read a Noam Chomsky book to show how utterly brilliant you are.

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Things we need to get over about the IPL

Strategic ad breaks. They suck. And they are one of the most thinly veiled pieces of 'we think you're all idiots' you'll ever find.  Ofcourse we could just think of them as alcohol, breaks or masturbation/self fellating breaks.

Product placement cricket phrases. They're annoying, but if you use them in the bed room, they become sexy. "That's a C.L.I.T Hotspot alright. A big one."

Danny Morrison. "Wowee. What an amazing bowl of cereal, I've never seen a bowl of Cereal like this, it's the most impressive bowl of cereal you will ever see. What a a huge bowl of cereal. The bowl of cereal creators have outdone themseleves again.  This cereal is mega. Cereal will never be the same again."  Or any commentator really.  If Indian and Australian cricket commentary is North Korean, then the IPL commentators are 1940′s Japanese Suicide pilots flying straight into your inner ear canal.  Imagine every overly positive comment is about a shit the commentators just had and the commentary is quite enjoyable.

Not knowing who to support. If you're not from one of the cities involved, picking a side is not that easy.  One day that might change, but for now, enjoy the fact you're essentially a cricket team whore. Fuck them all, a different one every day, sometimes two, squeeze the juice out of all of them. One day you'll have to settle down with just one, but there is no rush.

Bollywood stars being involved. Sure, it's annoying, but they didn't invent this shit. Hollywood stars are shown at Knicks and Lakers games and Jay Z owns 0.00000008 percent of the New Jersey Nets.  Even at the cricket Mick Jagger and Russell Crowe turn up.  Getting special permission to go on air and be taken seriously.  The good news is when they do this you can mock them and feel superior as your cricket knowledge is better than theirs.

T20 is shit cricket. It's not exactly a new revelation, no one was expecting a Chekhov play.  They hit the ball hard and bowl one over spells.  It finishes quickly, too, so you can always go back and watch your old DVDs of classic tests.

Redefining the word podcast. Something isn't a podcast just because you say so. A podcast (or non-streamed webcast) is a series of digital media files (either audio or video) that are released episodically and often downloaded through web syndication. What the IPL are doing is interviews. They're not new andit's ok to call them what they are. You can flash a torch on your dick, but it doesn't make it a light sabre. The good news is you can laugh at the IPL's effort to try and modernize something with a word they don't understand. At least it isn't an iBat.

It's only about money. Unlike all other forms of cricket that are purely for the love of the game.

The Go the Chargers song. Go the Chargers, no, go and kill the person who wrote this song. Then find their family, take them down too.  Then any neighbours. Or anyone who has ever met them. Also their pets. Then do the same for anyone involved in the recording of the song.  Even if they just turned up at the recording studio a week earlier to deliver a pizza, they need to be killed. This is the only thing that you can't enjoy about the world cup. Unless you enjoy murder and this gives you a chance to finally do what you've always wanted.

All of these problems can also be avoided with your remote.

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