Chris Illuminati's Blog, page 14

The Reason I Lie — #FICTION

“The difference is, I lie for a reason. The reason changes every time. It’s usually to avoid trouble. Isn’t that worth something?” “Lying is still a sin. And that’s why you’re here, correct? Forgiveness.” “I’m here out of obligation.” “To... Continue Reading →

This Guy Puts Thousands Of People To Sleep Every Night Just With His Voice And It’s Guaranteed To Work On You

As far back as grammar school, Drew had issues sleeping. Like most kids, school caused the most anxiety and were the primary cause of his listless nights. He’d just lay awake at night, in his bed, in the dark, waiting for sleep... Continue Reading →

5 Moments Parents Forget To Photograph And Hate Themselves Forever For It

You’ve been waiting for days to rub it in your competition’s faces share with your dear friends that your kiddo finally did it… He’s a walker! Yes, he only took three steps and yes, now anytime you try to coax him with a toy or, who are we kidding here, any sugary substance faintly resembling […]

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Let’s Talk About The First Barbie Commercial To Ever Feature A Boy And Why It’s An Absolute Pile Of Garbage

I watched this Barbie commercial several times. It’s the first Barbie commercial ever to feature a boy. For that, I applaud the makers of Barbie. That’s about the only positive.  Now onto the negatives… — The little girl explains this is the “most Moschino Barbie ever.” Isn’t she the only Moschino Barbie ever? Isn’t that […]

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Imagine James Bond As A Dad — It Would Probably Look Something Like The Hilarious ‘Double-O Dad’

This hilarious video from the guys at Cannibal Milkshake asks a questions I’ve often wondered on many a James Bond viewing — the guy has to have at least one illegitimate kid, right? James Bond has slept with hundreds of woman and those are just counting the women audiences have seen or read about. Let’s […]

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Why I’m So F*cking Over The ‘Mommy Dating Game’

I’m so over the mommy dating game. What’s the mommy dating game, you ask? Why, it’s this awful experiment in social awkwardness that nearly always results in a disaster because you didn’t find out enough about each other before agreeing to get together. You think you’re compatible because you met at the pool and share […]

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Clueless Dad Films Entire Vacation In Selfie Mode

Evan Griffin let his dad borrow his GoPro camera for his trip to Sin City. The clueless dad spent the entire trip recording video of himself admiring landmarks instead of recording the actual attractions. Maybe GoPro changed their interface so it was all incredibly confusing? Doubtful. This clueless dad might have just been having too […]

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This Video Absolutely NAILS Every Mom Freaking Out About Company Coming Over

“Perry, if you haven’t made your bed, it’s too late. Throw it away!” That line murdered me. This mom freaking out about company coming over is actually a character named Gayle Waters-Waters and she’s played by the hilarious Chris Fleming. Not only is this video of a mom freaking out about company coming over hilarious it’s […]

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The Most Hard To Find Christmas Toys Of The Last 30 Years

Every holiday season, there’s always that one toy that is a must-have for every kid. Parents will wait in lines for hours, pay insane amounts of money or even punch another human in the face just so junior isn’t disappointed come Christmas morning. “No problem, mom and dad, you only RUINED MY LIFE by not being more aggressive […]

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The One Word I Have Trouble Saying

It was, without a doubt, the best review of any of my published work. The headline, plastered on prime real estate on page two of my hometown paper, mentioned the names of national comedy legends. Both men were born in... Continue Reading →