Jon Acuff's Blog, page 90

When a kid comes on stage during the middle of a sermon.

This video is full of so much win.

During the middle of a sermon, as they are reading a Bible verse, a little kid comes up on stage. And then, refuses to leave. (Note to L.E. & McRae Acuff, if you ever go up on stage, I’m coming up on stage to get you. I’m not going to try to talk you down like this is a hostage situation.)

It takes a second to get started, but when it does, it is fantastic.

Question:

Has your kid ever misbehaved during church? Did you as a kid?

 

Catch The Kid from Hickory Grove Baptist Church on Vimeo.

The marriage fight no pastor warns you about.

Are you married? Awesome.

Are you engaged to be married? Awesome.

Are you single and already feel like this post is irrelevant to you? Awesome.

Now that I’ve spoken directly to every possible group of readers, let me warn you about something no pastor warned me about before I got married.

We went to pre-marital counseling. Guy wore a sweater. Seemed like a good dude. Told us to never go to bed angry and which of the 6 love languages we each had. (Yeah that’s right, I said “6.” My letter writing campaign to Gary Chapman is probably going to convince him to add “sarcasm” as the last love language.)

But in all our pre-marital counseling, in all our conversations with wise married folk before we tied the knot, there was a situation that never came up.

A situation I find myself in right now my friends.

Brace yourself buttercup, this is about to get real. (Authentic, transparent, other words Christians love, etc.)

Jenny is thinking about doing something unfathomable.

She’s thinking about going down a path I never imagined she would.

She dropped a hand grenade sentence at dinner the other night. Ready to hear what she said? OK, here goes:

“I’m thinking about getting the new Samsung Galaxy.”

Still breathing? I hope so. I should have put a warning on this post like a roller coaster, “If you’re pregnant, have a sensitive heart, or a bad back, do not read.”

Bomb to the shell. Right?

So, why is this such a big deal?

I have an iPhone.

She currently does too. We are an Apple united family. We are in iLove. We are like Adam and Eve. OK, bad example, the apple situation didn’t work out in that story. I just thought we were on the same page. But, suddenly, I don’t know what to think anymore.

What am I supposed to do a month from now when I’m traveling and want to FaceTime with her? I open up my iPhone, click FaceTime, and it says, “User no longer loves Apple anymore.”

What then? Huh? What then?

Or what about when are kids are acting crazy and we say, “Here play with these phones for a minute and stop asking me so many questions.” Instantly they will start arguing over who gets the Samsung and the apps it has or does not have.

Is there anyway I could have seen this monumental, go ahead and juke me bro, crisis in our marriage? Are there signs I missed?

Possibly.

Here is a picture of the songs Jenny has downloaded on iTunes in her entire life. This is her entire iTunes collection. Seriously.

 

 

To quote Richard Marx, who was not downloaded, I should’ve known better.

My only hope is that someone who has just returned from a mission trip to Guam will read this and tell me, “First world problem! In Guam there are so many snakes. The bitey kind! You’re so ungrateful!” And then I can think about the torrid state of my heart, my complete lack of joy at my snake-free streets, and forget about my wife’s exodus from Apple.

Question:

Is your marriage divided over anything? Apple vs. Samsung? Alabama vs. Auburn? Texas vs. A&M?

The Sport That God Loves The Most

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Stephen Pepper.  You can read his blog here, or follow him on Twitter. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

The Sport That God Loves The Most

When you’re a sports fan, you’ll often find yourself praying that your team does well–even if you’re not a person of faith.

Sometimes God doesn’t answer. Hockey fans, it’s not because He doesn’t like your team. It’s because He doesn’t like your sport and ignores all your prayers, no matter which team you support.

As for other sports, which one does God love the most? I think it’s quite clear that the answer is soccer. Here are the 7 reasons why:

1) The left and right side of the pitch are called wings. Two wings in every game? It’s positively angelic.

2) Historically, the best footballing nation has been Brazil. You know what else Brazil has? A giant statue of Jesus. If you want your sport (and your team) to be blessed, statues speak louder than words.

3) When you’re attacking the opponent’s goal, a pass into the box is called a cross. And I think we all know how important a cross is.

4) Soccer is often known as the global game, as the popularity of the sport has reached Judea, Samaria and the ends of the Earth. There’s even a tournament every 4 years called the World Cup. Baseball, on the other hand, only has a World Series by virtue of one Canadian team playing in the Major Leagues.

5) One of the most famous songs in sport is “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” sung by fans of Liverpool before every game. You know who’ll never let you walk alone?  Jesus. The song’s the sporting equivalent of “Footprints In The Sand.”

6) Something you may not know is that God made the Earth in a soccer ball’s image. After all, it’s not like our planet is shaped like a football (although it would have made North Pole to South Pole expeditions much faster).

7) There are 11 players on a soccer team. Jesus had 11 people on his team. Judas doesn’t count as he got himself a red card.

So these are the 7 reasons God loves soccer the best, with 7 clearly being the number of completion. I’m sure some of you will disagree though, even Jon argues that Frisbie is God’s favorite sport. Let’s hear your reasons why God loves a different sport more than soccer in the comments below.

Question:

What do you think is the sport God loves the most?

(For more great writing from Stephen, check out his blog!)

Beautiful Outlaw.

I recently read John Eldredge’s “Beautiful Outlaw” and loved it.

One particular section stuck out to me: 

I have spent most of my adult years trying to find those keys that would enable people to become whole. Like an archaeologist raking for buried treasure, I’ve combed through the provinces of counseling, spiritual discipline, inner healing, deliverance, addiction recovery – anything that would help me help others get better. Like Schliemann when his shovel struck the buried ruins of Troy, the epiphany I have come to is this:

Jesus has no intention of letting you become whole apart from his moment-to-moment presence and life within you.

That described me perfectly and hit me like a ton of bricks.

If you’re looking for a new book to read, “Beautiful Outlaw ” is one that belongs on the list of Stuff (This) Christian Likes.

Can you imagine how awesome it’d be if every church had this guy in the lobby?

The election post you have to write.

It’s Tuesday and the Presidential Election in America isn’t over yet.

My friend Lisa in Oregon just reminded me, though, that there’s a law that says all Christian bloggers have to write one of the following two posts the day after an election:

1. If your candidate lost, you have to write:

God is sovereign and will provide. He is still in control. Everything is going to be all right.

2. If your candidate won, you have to write:

God is good and has provided. He is still in control. Everything is going to be all right.

Since both those things are true about God, and Wednesday is going to be a pretty busy day, I thought I would get my mandatory Christian blogger post-election entry out of the way.

God is sovereign. God is good. He will provide, and He has provided. Everything is going to be all right.

Razzle Dazzle

Jon

Dear IT, I owe you an apology.

Dear IT,

First and foremost, allow me to establish a little geek cred.

My favorite book is Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time.

I knew what the phrase “Winter is coming” meant long before HBO did.

I occasionally say “Bazinga!”

I know SCRUM and agile and how to run a sprint for two weeks.

I grew up on Daredevil and like to pretend it was never turned into a movie.

Sometimes, at random moments of the day, I’ll think about Jar Jar Binks and get mad.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I need to confess something.

I need to apologize because, you see, Christians aren’t supposed to lie. The Bible is clear about that one. There’s no fuzziness about that particular idea. Getting angry and causing a fuss? We kind of have to pretend that whatever we’re angry about is exactly like the situation where Jesus ran through the temple with a whip. Anger takes some creativity to get around.

Lying? That one is hard to argue with.

That’s a no brainer. Simple as sin.

Which brings me to every phone call I’ve ever had with IT.

Whenever I call you with a computer problem, you always ask me the same thing:

“Have you rebooted it?”

At which point I say, with mild disgust that you would think I forgot to do such a simple thing, “Of course!”

But the truth is, I haven’t. I never restart my computer before I call you. That doesn’t even make my top 5 things to do when my computer breaks, which are:

1. Ask anyone sitting within earshot if their computer is broken too. There’s strength in numbers, and I’m always hoping it’s a network issue, not a Jon issue.

2. Refuse to look at the list of common computer problems most companies have conveniently placed on the Intranet.

3. Blow on my keyboard like I used to on my copy of Contra for the Nintendo. (The 80s & 90s were very dusty decades.)

4. Ask the people sitting near me to “Please double check you can get online right now. Are you sure you’re not having problems with the internet?”

5. Call you directly, thus completely bypassing the very clearly communicated way to file an IT ticket online.

Then you ask if I’ve rebooted my computer and I say “of course!” But I haven’t. Instead, I usually try to drag out the words “Offfffff Courrrrrssssseee” long enough for me to turn off my computer while I am answering your question about turning off my computer because I feel like that makes it a little true. Or kind of true. Or sort of true. Whatever one means “Not wicked bad.”

But, as far as I can tell, there’s no “kind of true” listed in the Bible, so I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

And perhaps more importantly, when iTunes does one of its billion updates next week, please help me with that. It says I need an admin password, and you are the keeper of those.

Question:

Be honest: Have you ever lied to IT?

Is this a political Jesus Juke?

I say “yes.” What say you? (What’s a Jesus Juke? This.)

Fact-Checking the Pastor

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Jeff Postlewaite. You can check out his blog here.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Fact-Checking the Pastor

I’m pretty sure John Wesley never had to worry about some smart-aleck college student saying “You know that story you told last week?  Well, the interwebs say it’s a lie!”

I’ll say it—the internet has ruined the art of making up a good sermon illustration. Even into the early-90s, pastors could repeat heart-breaking stories with utmost confidence that their sources were sound. The intent was pure, the message strong, and the audience incapable of proving otherwise…and then along came Google.

As recently as a decade ago, the pastor knew his stories were safe until people could get home to their PCs, and even then there was a good chance that they would forget what to search for while waiting for Windows to boot. Now smartphones have given parishioners the ability to fact-check before the illustration is even complete.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who is opening a mobile browser the instant I hear: “In 1859, a tightrope walker named Blondin…” But there are always prying eyes noticing that you have left the YouVersion app and are now speed-reading a Wikipedia article.

As someone who has been involved in the art of illustration fact-checking since Blackberrys were cool, I feel it is my responsibility to help the rest of you who may not know the finer points of fact-checking (a.k.a. “testing the spirits”):

Preparation:

Choose a seat near the church’s wireless access point. Your church doesn’t have open access WiFi? See? They’re trying to hide some faulty information.
Map the auditorium’s 3G and 4G coverage. This may take weeks of wondering around acting like you are introducing yourself to visitors before the service, but it will be worth it. People might start describing you as “the wireless cartologist”, “a 3G Magellan”, or “that crazy guy who is always holding up his phone and muttering to himself. Oh no! Here he comes! Go the other way!”
If possible, get a job on the media team. This will give you access to computers and full-size browsers during the worship service. WARNING: You will lose your position on the team and possibly your church membership when the Snopes article disproving the Pastor’s latest and greatest story pops up on the screen behind him.

Searching without getting caught:

Don’t feel the need to fact-check everything. The worship leader tells a story about his adorable Pekingese chasing an even more adorable baby robin on Easter morning? Yeah, he probably made it up, but you aren’t going to be able to prove it. Let it go.
Don’t look skeptical, look scholarly. Nod your head in agreement and try to appear studious as you switch from the Blue Letter Bible app to your browser. With any luck, those sitting around you will think you are doing a search of a Greek word used in the main text.
Like the overweight trainer on Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out always told Little Mac, “Stick and move.” The longer you search, the better chance you have of getting caught. Look up a few quick facts then get back to your Bible app.
Be willing to accept defeat. Sometimes that outrageous story is true. Sometimes it really happened. Sometimes Google has documented it. Sometimes tears are a good way to clean a touchscreen.

Unfortunately, we Google gurus are becoming obsolete. Pastors are on to us and are doing their own research ahead of time recognizing that we demand truth and accuracy. I’m sure it’s not just to avoid the lectures in the lobby.

Have you ever fact-checked an illustration during the sermon?

For more great writing from Jeff, check out his blog!

One Pez to Rule Them All

When I saw the Pez dispensers below at a Wal-Mart the other day I thought 11 things:

1. Thanks for not telling me this existed.

I thought we were close. I thought we were doing life together. I thought we’d come a long way baby. (I think this post just got all “Virginia Slimmy.”) Little heads up next time.

2. Could you really eat a Pez delivered via Smeagol?

I probably could but I’d be muttering, “My precious” each time I had one.

3. Would you only put red Pez in the Gimli container?

I would, but I probably respect red beards more than you.

4. Don’t some of the hobbits kind of look like the Monkees or the Beatles?

5. If your friend asked for a Pez how many times would you grab the Gandalf one and yell “You shall not pass?”

6. How many more Pez does the Gandalf hold than Frodo? I feel like it’s probably 14 vs. 9.

7. How unhappy does Aragorn look that you’re eating Pez? And you want to be a Ranger of the North? You think Rangers eat Pez? Think again.

8. Could Legolas’ hair be more immaculate? It looks like he’s probably got some sort of Elvin hair band on.

9. I wish they had a “Treebeard” Pez dispenser that held 184 Pez.

10. Once again, one of the best characters in the books, Tom Bombadil, got the shaft.

11. How come the first one has a terrifying Mount Doom kind of option and the second one doesn’t?

That’s what I thought when I saw this.

How about you?

How do you feel about Lord of Rings Pez Dispenser Collection?