Jon Acuff's Blog, page 90

7 signs a sermon is almost over.

A few weeks ago, I heard a pastor finally confess something I’d be waiting for a pastor to say my entire life.

During the middle of his sermon, he declared,

“This sermon is going to have four endings.”

I was so happy I wanted to give him the world’s second most awesome side hug. (This was the first most awesome.)

Finally, a pastor was admitting the difficulty of ending a sermon.

Some pastors just preach until the clock runs out and then tie the whole thing off unexpectedly with a prayer.

With little or no warning, right after they’ve read a Bible verse, they’ll say, “Dear God, we just thank you for this Sunday.” If you’re in the audience taking notes, you don’t even know you’re supposed to have your eyes closed. “Are we in a prayer right now? Was that the end?”

To prevent End of Sermon Whiplash or “ESW,” I’ve collected 7 signs that will indicate the ride is about to come to an end. Get your Bibles and your coat. Break yourself, fool, it’s time to go to lunch!

7 ways to know a sermon is about to end:

1. “In closing…”

This is an old school sermon ender. When you hear this phrase, you’ve got about 7 minutes left.

2. “If I could leave you with one thing today…”

When I hear this, I kick everything else out of my head and laser focus. The “one thing” approach is like a grenade of knowledge that is about to be dropped.

3. “As we’re wrapping up…”

Technically, not accurate, since only the pastor should be wrapping up. Hopefully, the crowd isn’t zipping up Bibles or gathering stuff while he’s trying to close the sermon. That’s distracting.

4. The band starts to materialize like musical mist.

Wait a second, is that a guitar player slowly creeping onto the stage all quiet-like? Did the drummer just arise out of the floor to sit behind his kit?

5. The pastor closes his Bible.

Class is over. We took a good look at the good book and now we’re done.

6. The pastor sneaks a peek at the clock and gets nervous.

I’m not a pastor, but occasionally you’ll see me do this when I’m speaking. A lot of churches have clocks on the back walls indicating how much time you have to speak. And they count backwards. When you go over your time they start flashing red. If you ever see a pastor look up, as if to the heavens, and get “insta-sweaty,” it’s because he’s way behind.

7. They start talking faster.

I have two talking speeds–fast and wicked fast. If I realize I’m out of time, but still have 2 main points to share, I speed up. Like a ninja. Or a cheetah. Or a ninja cheetah, the fastest of all martial arts jungle cats.

Those are the signs a sermon is about to end. If, on the other hand, a pastor takes his coat off, removes his watch or says, “Today I want to talk about …” forget it, that sermon is nowhere near over.

Me, personally? I don’t worry about the length of a sermon. I let the Holy Spirit take all the time necessary, but I’m probably holier than you are.

Question:

What does your pastor say at the end of sermons? Did I miss any signs that a sermon is about to end?

Why do Baptists have to sit on the back row?

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Whiteney Sparks. You can check out her blog here.  You can also follow her on Twitter.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

I have been in a Baptist church my entire life and have always heard the term “Back Row Baptists.”  I have even accused people who sit in the back of being “Back Row Baptists.”

So why are Baptists the only ones who get picked on for where they sit in church?

I mean, when you walk into a Methodist church, do they accuse people of being “Middle Row Methodists?”

Is there such a thing as ”Front Pew Presbyterians?”

What about “Left-Sided Lutherans?”

Have you ever heard of the “Choir Loft Church of Christs?”

Or “Center Row Catholics?”

We could play this game all day!

Why do people care where we sit? Granted, sitting in the same seat every Sunday is practically the 12th commandment. (Journalling is the 11th) And didn’t the disciples argue over who would sit at the right hand of Christ? At least we have some New Testament precedent. But do people say this because ”Back Row Baptists” sounds really catchy, or is somebody trying to imply something?

I would like to state for the record, that I do not sit in the back row of our church! I sit more like on the 5th row on the right side. So there!

When you hear the term “Back Row Baptists,” just remember that it does not apply to all of us out there.

But, okay, I have to stop here and admit something. I’m not being completely honest, and I want to make sure that I am building your trust so I will retract that statement.

I have sat on the back row! Oh my goodness! I would be considered a Back Row Baptist….bless my heart!

There are several coloring books and crayons on our back pew, and I only sit there when my children have a hard time listening during the service.

I do not color! Ever! That would just be wrong, even though God made the rainbow. Even though I love coloring and maybe outlined something for my child like one time. I would never sit on the back just to color. Never!

All right, Baptists, admit it…are you a Back Row Baptist?  If you’re not a Baptist, have you ever used the term “Back Row Baptists?”

For more great writing from Whitney, check out her blog!

Holiest font ever.

We’ve talked about how to design a super holy church logo.

We’ve talked about the one font God would like to smite: Comic Sans.

But this…this takes everything to a whole new level. This font is so off the charts that it makes the previous holiest font, Papyrus, look like San Serif Philistine. I saw this at a church recently.

Be honest, have you ever seen a font holier than this?

Want to change the world in 3.2 seconds?

Want to reinvent the way people think about Christians?

Want to start changing the reason people think Christians are jerks?

It’s not that complicated. In fact, I saw Usain Bolt do it this summer.

Remember him? He’s fast. He’s a gold medal Olympian from Jamaica. Sometimes people confuse me with him because I won an international table tennis tournament in Jamaica while on my honeymoon. (Wait a second, newly married wives don’t like when you disappear for a few hours on a honeymoon to participate in a Sandals Resort Table Tennis tournament? That’s some information I could have used prior to that week.)

How do you change the world in 3.2 seconds?

You do something kind that is unnecessary and unexpected.

Which is exactly what Usain Bolt did.

Before one of his races, he walked to the start line. He was on the verge of something he’d been preparing for his entire life. In a matter of seconds, a gun would sound that launched him and every one of his competitors around the track in a mad dash toward gold.

What did he do?

He turned around and fist bumped the lane official.

A guy most racers thought was invisible.

A guy most television cameras completely skipped over.

A guy that is so far into the background of the moment that he’s not even an “extra” in the scene.

Usain turned and did something unnecessary and unexpected. He didn’t need to do that. No one would have criticized him for ignoring the race official. That sort of gesture was not necessary or expected, but he made it anyway.

What was the result?

Joy.

Pure, unabashed, unashamed joy.

The picture tells the story.

That race official can barely contain himself.

Think it’s complicated to change the world? It’s not. All it takes is changing one person’s day, because changing the world always starts with a single person.

Life change leads to world change. That’s the pattern.

Ready to reinvent the way people see Christians?

Be kind in a way that is unnecessary and unexpected.

 

When a kid comes on stage during the middle of a sermon.

This video is full of so much win.

During the middle of a sermon, as they are reading a Bible verse, a little kid comes up on stage. And then, refuses to leave. (Note to L.E. & McRae Acuff, if you ever go up on stage, I’m coming up on stage to get you. I’m not going to try to talk you down like this is a hostage situation.)

It takes a second to get started, but when it does, it is fantastic.

Question:

Has your kid ever misbehaved during church? Did you as a kid?

 

Catch The Kid from Hickory Grove Baptist Church on Vimeo.

The marriage fight no pastor warns you about.

Are you married? Awesome.

Are you engaged to be married? Awesome.

Are you single and already feel like this post is irrelevant to you? Awesome.

Now that I’ve spoken directly to every possible group of readers, let me warn you about something no pastor warned me about before I got married.

We went to pre-marital counseling. Guy wore a sweater. Seemed like a good dude. Told us to never go to bed angry and which of the 6 love languages we each had. (Yeah that’s right, I said “6.” My letter writing campaign to Gary Chapman is probably going to convince him to add “sarcasm” as the last love language.)

But in all our pre-marital counseling, in all our conversations with wise married folk before we tied the knot, there was a situation that never came up.

A situation I find myself in right now my friends.

Brace yourself buttercup, this is about to get real. (Authentic, transparent, other words Christians love, etc.)

Jenny is thinking about doing something unfathomable.

She’s thinking about going down a path I never imagined she would.

She dropped a hand grenade sentence at dinner the other night. Ready to hear what she said? OK, here goes:

“I’m thinking about getting the new Samsung Galaxy.”

Still breathing? I hope so. I should have put a warning on this post like a roller coaster, “If you’re pregnant, have a sensitive heart, or a bad back, do not read.”

Bomb to the shell. Right?

So, why is this such a big deal?

I have an iPhone.

She currently does too. We are an Apple united family. We are in iLove. We are like Adam and Eve. OK, bad example, the apple situation didn’t work out in that story. I just thought we were on the same page. But, suddenly, I don’t know what to think anymore.

What am I supposed to do a month from now when I’m traveling and want to FaceTime with her? I open up my iPhone, click FaceTime, and it says, “User no longer loves Apple anymore.”

What then? Huh? What then?

Or what about when are kids are acting crazy and we say, “Here play with these phones for a minute and stop asking me so many questions.” Instantly they will start arguing over who gets the Samsung and the apps it has or does not have.

Is there anyway I could have seen this monumental, go ahead and juke me bro, crisis in our marriage? Are there signs I missed?

Possibly.

Here is a picture of the songs Jenny has downloaded on iTunes in her entire life. This is her entire iTunes collection. Seriously.

 

 

To quote Richard Marx, who was not downloaded, I should’ve known better.

My only hope is that someone who has just returned from a mission trip to Guam will read this and tell me, “First world problem! In Guam there are so many snakes. The bitey kind! You’re so ungrateful!” And then I can think about the torrid state of my heart, my complete lack of joy at my snake-free streets, and forget about my wife’s exodus from Apple.

Question:

Is your marriage divided over anything? Apple vs. Samsung? Alabama vs. Auburn? Texas vs. A&M?

The Sport That God Loves The Most

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Stephen Pepper.  You can read his blog here, or follow him on Twitter. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

The Sport That God Loves The Most

When you’re a sports fan, you’ll often find yourself praying that your team does well–even if you’re not a person of faith.

Sometimes God doesn’t answer. Hockey fans, it’s not because He doesn’t like your team. It’s because He doesn’t like your sport and ignores all your prayers, no matter which team you support.

As for other sports, which one does God love the most? I think it’s quite clear that the answer is soccer. Here are the 7 reasons why:

1) The left and right side of the pitch are called wings. Two wings in every game? It’s positively angelic.

2) Historically, the best footballing nation has been Brazil. You know what else Brazil has? A giant statue of Jesus. If you want your sport (and your team) to be blessed, statues speak louder than words.

3) When you’re attacking the opponent’s goal, a pass into the box is called a cross. And I think we all know how important a cross is.

4) Soccer is often known as the global game, as the popularity of the sport has reached Judea, Samaria and the ends of the Earth. There’s even a tournament every 4 years called the World Cup. Baseball, on the other hand, only has a World Series by virtue of one Canadian team playing in the Major Leagues.

5) One of the most famous songs in sport is “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” sung by fans of Liverpool before every game. You know who’ll never let you walk alone?  Jesus. The song’s the sporting equivalent of “Footprints In The Sand.”

6) Something you may not know is that God made the Earth in a soccer ball’s image. After all, it’s not like our planet is shaped like a football (although it would have made North Pole to South Pole expeditions much faster).

7) There are 11 players on a soccer team. Jesus had 11 people on his team. Judas doesn’t count as he got himself a red card.

So these are the 7 reasons God loves soccer the best, with 7 clearly being the number of completion. I’m sure some of you will disagree though, even Jon argues that Frisbie is God’s favorite sport. Let’s hear your reasons why God loves a different sport more than soccer in the comments below.

Question:

What do you think is the sport God loves the most?

(For more great writing from Stephen, check out his blog!)

Beautiful Outlaw.

I recently read John Eldredge’s “Beautiful Outlaw” and loved it.

One particular section stuck out to me: 

I have spent most of my adult years trying to find those keys that would enable people to become whole. Like an archaeologist raking for buried treasure, I’ve combed through the provinces of counseling, spiritual discipline, inner healing, deliverance, addiction recovery – anything that would help me help others get better. Like Schliemann when his shovel struck the buried ruins of Troy, the epiphany I have come to is this:

Jesus has no intention of letting you become whole apart from his moment-to-moment presence and life within you.

That described me perfectly and hit me like a ton of bricks.

If you’re looking for a new book to read, “Beautiful Outlaw ” is one that belongs on the list of Stuff (This) Christian Likes.

Can you imagine how awesome it’d be if every church had this guy in the lobby?

The election post you have to write.

It’s Tuesday and the Presidential Election in America isn’t over yet.

My friend Lisa in Oregon just reminded me, though, that there’s a law that says all Christian bloggers have to write one of the following two posts the day after an election:

1. If your candidate lost, you have to write:

God is sovereign and will provide. He is still in control. Everything is going to be all right.

2. If your candidate won, you have to write:

God is good and has provided. He is still in control. Everything is going to be all right.

Since both those things are true about God, and Wednesday is going to be a pretty busy day, I thought I would get my mandatory Christian blogger post-election entry out of the way.

God is sovereign. God is good. He will provide, and He has provided. Everything is going to be all right.

Razzle Dazzle

Jon