Jon Acuff's Blog, page 89

Not knowing if you’re supposed to sing along with the special music.

I’ve got a dilemma. A problem. A pickle, if I could use some rather salty language.

The problem is something that is happening to me each week at church.

You see, we have “special music” at the end of each service. Someone ridiculously talented, because we live in Nashville, will sing a closing song before dismissing the service. I love it. It’s one of my favorite parts of Sunday morning. (Jesus is my most favorite part in case you were thinking about starting your week by Jesus Juking me.)

But there’s a problem.

The problem is that they show the words to the song up on the screen. Line by line they show us the words to the song, which makes me feel like maybe I should sing along. Am I supposed to be doing backup on this song? Like Sheryl Crow singing backup for Michael Jackson? Is that my role here? I’m supposed to harmonize like Boys II Men or ABC, at the playground? Ya know? Iesha!

Or are the words up on the screen so I’ll understand them? Maybe they’re just supposed to be informational. Maybe the church is concerned that some worship leader is going to Eddie Vedder the song and in the crowd we’ll all think, “Did he just swing, ‘Iweana gonna tikka wanna?’” So the lyrics are shown up there so we’ll know that actually he said, “He gives and takes away.”

Because I’ll jump in if I need to. I’ll even bring a tambourine if that’s where things are headed. BYOT? All day son, all day!

Am I the only one who struggles with this?

Have you ever felt the same way during church?

 

 

 

Synchronized Ushering

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Josh Daffern. You can read his blog here.  You can also follow him on Twitter @joshdaffern.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Synchronized Ushering

The world of ushering is itself an art form: the subtlety, the unspoken solemnity, the majesty of it all. Many ignorantly focus on the type of the offering plate itself (KFC bucket vs. oversized cloth-covered dinner plate vs. two-pronged velour bag). What captivates me is the movement of the ushers themselves. Being raised in church, I’ve seen just about every type of ushering move there is:

The Jolted Usher – This is the usher whose only real reason to come to church is to get to pass the offering plates. It’s the high point of his week. A quick jab or poke is needed to wake him up and let him know it’s time to do his thing.

The Noobie – This is the replacement usher who’s called on at the last minute because Brother Bob decided to go fishing that day. The noobie shows his true colors quickly as he accidentally breaks the cardinal rule and passes a second plate down the same row. It will be another few years in the D League before he’s called back up.

The Wave-Off – This is the awkward moment when there’s only one person sitting on a row. A delicate dance is had between usher and member, where they decide through gesture and eye contact whether it’s really necessary to send a plate down a pew with one person who probably isn’t going to tithe anyway.

The Walker – I loved being this person growing up. The walker is the person who gets to stand up and walk the offering plate from one end of the pew to the other end (since there’s a big gaping hole of empty space in between).  Not only did it let me imagine that I was in the elite world of ushering (even for a moment), it allowed me to stretch my legs and gird myself for the coming onslaught of the sermon.

The Coronation – I was in a church for a few years where, at the end of every offering, Sister Beulah would crank up the organ and blast out “Were the whole realm of nature mine,” indicating that we were to stand in honor of the ushers, now coming down to the front like Magi bringing their gifts to baby Jesus.

I thought I’d seen it all, and then I experienced something that took my breath away. I worked in a larger traditional church with a sanctuary that sat over 2,000. I instinctively understood that the offering would be a long, drawn-out process, as the ushers covered so much real estate. Not so.

Synchronized Ushering – Halfway through the first service, no sign of the ushers. They did an offertory prayer, still no ushers. I thought their union had decided to strike for better wages. No ushers to be seen. And then, halfway through the first verse of the special music, through some type of telekinesis that I still can’t explain, all the ushers magically stood up at the same time, throughout the room, instantly at their post. This was my first experience with synchronized ushering, and it was magnificent to behold.

I watched them for weeks, trying to discern the magic of their timing. Was it Morse code? Did the worship leader lift his left pant leg like a quarterback signaling a man-in-motion? Did the light operator flash a stage light to let the ushers know when to rise? I never knew. I simply gazed in wonder at the world of synchronized ushering, knowing that these men were a cut above everyone else. Everyone else just played at ushering. These men lived it. They were the Navy Seals of ushers, and I was privileged to be in their presence.

QUESTION: What experiences have you had with the world of ushering?

For more great writing from Josh, check out his blog!

Leg dropping elves. (Or the real meaning of Christmas.) A Christmas SCL Classic.

A few years ago, someone gave my family an “Elf on the Shelf.” If you’re not familiar with it, it’s essentially a small elf in a box and a book. The book tells you that you’re supposed to hide the elf each night during the holiday season and let your kids find it. It’s magic or a messenger of Santa or something. It was wildly popular last year and is probably continuing to sell well this Christmas too.

But as I started to think about the whole “real meaning of Christmas” debate and “is Santa bad” discussion that you almost are required by law to have if you’re a Christian blogger, I started to think about that elf. He was just sitting there with a smug look on his face perched on the fireplace mantle looming over our nativity scene below on the hearth. Instead of the traditional Santa vs. Jesus discussion, I began to imagine what would happen if that elf ever ran into the characters from the nativity scene. What would that conversation look like? I present you:

Elf on the shelf meets the characters from the nativity scene.

Wise Man 1: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?

Elf on the Shelf: “I’m the Elf on the Shelf.”

Wise Man 1: “I can see that. It’s right there on your box. I can read, kind of goes along with the territory. I’m a ‘wise man.’ But what are you doing here?”

Elf on the Shelf: “I came to spread holiday cheer and tell people about the magic of Santa Claus.”

Wise Man 1: “That sentence is so wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, please help me understand what ‘holiday cheer’ is. Is that some sort of glitter? Like a pixy dust or giggle spray or other elf razzle dazzle?

Wise Man 2: “Slow down Myrrh man. No need to get sarcastic.”

Wise Man 1: “You stay out of this Gold Guy and don’t call me Myrrh man. It’s ‘M&M.’ No one knows what Myrrh even is. I sound like some sort of under the sea creature. I knew I should have brought the gold. Everyone loves you. My gift is judged as slightly better than paprika or cinnamon. Awesome.”

Wise Man 3: “Myrrh man, Christmas is not about the gifts we give, it’s first and foremost about the gift we received. Jesus Christ.”

Wise Man 1: “I know I know, Frankincense Fellow, it’s just that you don’t understand the pressure I’m under with the Myrrh reputation. At least your gift sounds like Frankenstein and is easy to remember. When people say my gift, they never know where to finish the word, they always just kind of trail off and say, Mryhhhhhhhh. But this isn’t about me, this is about this punk elf.”

Elf on the Shelf: “I’m Elf on the Shelf.”

Wise Man 1: “Here you go again. There’s no shelf in the nativity scene and therefore no elf. I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is I’m wearing my traveling robes and won’t be able to tune you up myself. The bad news is the shepherds are always up for a beat down.”

Shepherd 1: “What’s going on?”

Wise Man 1: “This Peter Pan looking doll over here is trying to distract us from the birth of Christ. He’s trying to steal some of sweet baby Jesus’ thunder.”

Shepherd 2: “Oh, that’s not happening on my watch. It’s on like Donkey Kong.”

Elf on the Shelf: “On like Donkey Kong? Isn’t that violent? Can’t we all just giggle and watch my Will Ferrell movie, Elf?

Shepherd 3: “Agreed, tossing you out of this nativity scene like a bouncer at a bar is violent, but people overestimate how clean and well behaved we shepherds were back in the day. We were like longshoreman. Think of us less as caretakers of sheep and more as Pastoral Hooligans. We live under the stars and wrestle bears for fun. David was a shepherd and he cut Goliath’s head off.”

Elf on the Shelf: “Gulp.”

Shepherd 1: “Don’t worry we’re not going to do that to you. We are going to bounce you out of town like a super ball though. Drummer boy, hit me up with my theme song.”

Elf on the Shelf: “Wait, the drummer boy wasn’t at the birth of Christ either. Why isn’t he getting the bum rush?”

Shepherd 1: “Because Jesus is funky and loves a good beat. Plus, every superhero needs a theme song.”

Wise Man 1: “You’re a superhero now? How’d that happen? I must have missed that in the Bible.”

Shepherd 1: “Easy Myrrh-lin, the magician of questionable gifts. According to Matthew, you guys didn’t even show up at the manger. And at least you have a name, I’m just lumped in as a “shepherd.” I’ve got no identity. I had to create my own, with a theme song.

Wise Man 1: “Good grief!”

Elf on the Shelf: “That’s from Charlie Brown’s Christmas!”

Shepherd 1: “You’re still here? Let’s do this thing.”

(Commence elf beat down.)

I’m not sure if that’s exactly how the great elf/nativity scene clash of 2008 happened, but it’s how it happened in my head.

Question:

Does your family hide the Elf on a Shelf?

(Post originally appeared on SCL on December 8, 2008.)

Fame is a drug and it’s never enough.

Turns out that if you chase “enough” outside of God, you never catch it.

Enough followers on Twitter, enough blog readers, enough books sold, enough money made, enough friends…the specifics of the chase don’t really matter.

Enough is elusive. Just when you think you’ve caught it, it moves again.

In this 3-minute video, I talk about how easy it is to wreck your life chasing enough and how that happened to me in the pursuit of fame. (Video was shot at the Catalyst Conference.)

Question:

Have you ever chased some form of “enough?”

That weird moment when you realize you’re older than Jesus.

My birthday is next month. (I’m a size medium t-shirt in case you’re shopping for gifts.)

I’ll be 37, which is old. I can feel the weather changing in my hip. Gonna be a storm coming. My bones are so brittle!

37 isn’t really that awesome of an age, despite the reality that the number 37 is my go-to number when I want to indicate a randomness.

For instance, if I wanted to tell you that there were a lot of otters in the river, I’d say, “There were like 37 different otters frolicking. It was magical.” Then I’d ask you not to say, “You otter go through more often” because that’s not a good joke. (I even used 37 in the title of a book I wrote.)

Other than that though, 37 isn’t that eventful, unlike 34 which is when you realize you are older than Jesus.

Technically he’s lived forever. But in earth years, in the amount of time he spent on the planet, you’re older at 34.

I remember getting to that age and thinking, “OK, I’m older than Jesus. What have I accomplished in my 34 years? Hmmm, well there was that one thing, no that wasn’t big. How about that other thing? Nope.” And then I felt a little weird and decided to eat some red velvet cake because I grew up in Massachusetts and didn’t know that existed until I moved to the south at age 18 for college.

If you’re not 34 yet, please disregard this post until you turn that age, and then you can write me an email at jon at jonacuff.com and tell me how smart I am.

If you are 34 or older, did you think it was weird when you realized you’re older than Jesus?

The guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday.

Worst guy to have at a Christmas party.

Never invite this guy.

He is even more annoying than the friend who doesn’t even own a TV and tells you that constantly when you’re not even talking about TV. (And we know you watch Hulu, or Netflix or Youtube. Quit acting like you’re a 4th century Desert Father.)

Upon entering your home, the guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday will proceed to do exactly that:

“Oh, you’ve got a Christmas tree? Didn’t realize you were into celebrating the winter solstice. Interesting. Are you doing that because you’re recognizing the Egyptian tradition of decorating the house with palm branches to symbolize resurrection? Or does your family swing more Northern European? Is your Christmas tree a shout out to the Germanic god Woden? Or perhaps a Roman tribute to Bacchus? Wait, don’t tell me, don’t tell me. It’s the Greeks and Adonia, isn’t it? I felt like I was getting an ancient Greek vibe in here.

What’s that you’ve got hanging over the entryway? Mistletoe? Or as I call it, “Pagan Fertility Plant.” Babylon in the house!

And do I smell ham? Are we having a Christmas ham? That will be delicious. But then you know that is a symbol of Tammuz who was fatally wounded by the tusk of a boar. Pagans started that tradition by sacrificing a boar on this pagan holiday. What do you serve with a big plate of meat heresy? Mashed potatoes? What’s the side dish in that situation?

Red and green? Occultic colors!

Yule log? A reference to the sun god!

Easter bunny? A shout out to Semirarmis, a symbol of fertility!

Sorry, that last one got away from me a little bit. I was just on a roll.”

And so the night goes. Try as you might to explain the holly wreath on your front door as a symbol of “me liking the smell of balsam,” you will be shot blocked into submission.

Though this guy is annoying, there are three things I can agree with him on:

1. It’s easy to lose sight of the real meaning of the season in the face of consumerism.

2. It’s inconsistent to call Halloween “Satan’s Birthday,” and label it a pagan holiday, and then four weeks later front hug a Christmas tree like there was one in the manger the night Jesus was born.

3. The best Christmas album ever made is Mariah Carey’s.

Question:

Have you ever run into the guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday?

The Haiku Bible

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Stephen Pepper. You can check out his blog here.  You can also follow him on Twitter @youthworkinit.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

The Haiku Bible

The Bible is full of different types of writing: narrative, poetry, imagery, history, prophecy, etc. You know one thing it doesn’t have? Haikus.

What’s a haiku? It’s a form of Japanese poetry that has 17 syllables, in the form of three phrases with 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively. It made me wonder though: Is it because it’s Japanese poetry that it didn’t appear in the Bible? Or could it be because 5-7-5 is only one step away in each instance from 6-6-6?

I’ve taken the liberty of converting some parts of the Bible into haiku form. Just think of it as The Message, Japanese-style.

In the beginning

There was absolutely zilch

After six days? Loads (Genesis 1)

God made light and dark

Fish, animals and people

But why mosquitos? (Genesis 1)

Man made from the dirt

Woman made from the man’s bone

Gotta love spare ribs (Genesis 2:20-22)

God – do not look back

Lot’s wife – just one little look

Salty, not Psalty (Genesis 19:1-26)

Sacrifice your son

OK Lord, here you go

You know what Abe – psych! (Genesis 22:1-12)

Stairway to heaven

Angels walking up and down

But no Robert Plant (Genesis 28:12)

Who’s Methusaleh?

Lived to almost a thousand

No Botox back then (Genesis 5:27)

Plagues – blood, frogs, boils

Gnats, locusts, firstborn and more

Dude – just let them go (Exodus 7 – 11)

A man called Balaam

Had a donkey that could speak

No, this isn’t Shrek (Numbers 22:28)

David got some stones

Killed giant, cut off his head

Rest is history (1 Samuel 17)

I’ll get you pregnant

Have your husband killed at war

That’s bad isn’t it (2 Samuel 11)

Put bull on altar

Call down fire from heaven

Ultimate grilling (1 Kings 18:33-38)

Your wife’s quarrelsome?

She’s a dripping leaky roof

Don’t say that to her (Proverbs 19:13)

Que sera sera

Whatever is now has been

And what’s now will be (Ecclesiastes 3:15)

Old men will dream dreams

Your young men will see visions

Cheese eaten at night (Joel 2:28)

Shortest Bible verse?

We all know it’s “Jesus wept”

Shorter than haikus (John 11:35)

Men should have short hair

Women should have longer hair

Alopecia? Dang (1 Corinthians 11:14-15)

Woman rides a beast

With seven heads and ten horns

That’s some crazy stuff (Revelation 17:7)

Question:

What Bible Haikus can you come up with?

(For more great writing from Stephen, check out his blog!)

Going shopping on Black Friday?

If you don’t follow me on Pinterest, and I can’t think of a reason you don’t since it’s a delightful experience, you probably missed the greatest Jesus Juke ever.

Or the worst, it’s hard to tell with these things.

I posted this the other day on Pinterest in my epic “Jesus Juke” board. Let’s quit doing stuff like this.

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Source: Uploaded by user via Jon on Pinterest

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving holiday. Full of cheer and turkey or if you’re vegetarian like my brother ToFurkey.

It’s officially time to break out the Christmas music. If I were you, I’d go ahead and start with the best.

Stuff Christians Like returns on Monday, November 26!

See you then.

Jon

Video of Deep V-Neck Syndrome.

A while ago, I wrote a post about a crisis that is wrecking the church. This crisis is “DVS” or “Deep V-Neck Syndrome.”

Though I feel like the post changed a lot of lives, it wasn’t enough. So I spoke about this crisis at a conference and recorded the piece so we could all get on the same page.

Without further adieu, here are the 5 stages of Deep V-Neck Syndrome.