Jon Acuff's Blog, page 89

That weird moment when you realize you’re older than Jesus.

My birthday is next month. (I’m a size medium t-shirt in case you’re shopping for gifts.)

I’ll be 37, which is old. I can feel the weather changing in my hip. Gonna be a storm coming. My bones are so brittle!

37 isn’t really that awesome of an age, despite the reality that the number 37 is my go-to number when I want to indicate a randomness.

For instance, if I wanted to tell you that there were a lot of otters in the river, I’d say, “There were like 37 different otters frolicking. It was magical.” Then I’d ask you not to say, “You otter go through more often” because that’s not a good joke. (I even used 37 in the title of a book I wrote.)

Other than that though, 37 isn’t that eventful, unlike 34 which is when you realize you are older than Jesus.

Technically he’s lived forever. But in earth years, in the amount of time he spent on the planet, you’re older at 34.

I remember getting to that age and thinking, “OK, I’m older than Jesus. What have I accomplished in my 34 years? Hmmm, well there was that one thing, no that wasn’t big. How about that other thing? Nope.” And then I felt a little weird and decided to eat some red velvet cake because I grew up in Massachusetts and didn’t know that existed until I moved to the south at age 18 for college.

If you’re not 34 yet, please disregard this post until you turn that age, and then you can write me an email at jon at jonacuff.com and tell me how smart I am.

If you are 34 or older, did you think it was weird when you realized you’re older than Jesus?

The guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday.

Worst guy to have at a Christmas party.

Never invite this guy.

He is even more annoying than the friend who doesn’t even own a TV and tells you that constantly when you’re not even talking about TV. (And we know you watch Hulu, or Netflix or Youtube. Quit acting like you’re a 4th century Desert Father.)

Upon entering your home, the guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday will proceed to do exactly that:

“Oh, you’ve got a Christmas tree? Didn’t realize you were into celebrating the winter solstice. Interesting. Are you doing that because you’re recognizing the Egyptian tradition of decorating the house with palm branches to symbolize resurrection? Or does your family swing more Northern European? Is your Christmas tree a shout out to the Germanic god Woden? Or perhaps a Roman tribute to Bacchus? Wait, don’t tell me, don’t tell me. It’s the Greeks and Adonia, isn’t it? I felt like I was getting an ancient Greek vibe in here.

What’s that you’ve got hanging over the entryway? Mistletoe? Or as I call it, “Pagan Fertility Plant.” Babylon in the house!

And do I smell ham? Are we having a Christmas ham? That will be delicious. But then you know that is a symbol of Tammuz who was fatally wounded by the tusk of a boar. Pagans started that tradition by sacrificing a boar on this pagan holiday. What do you serve with a big plate of meat heresy? Mashed potatoes? What’s the side dish in that situation?

Red and green? Occultic colors!

Yule log? A reference to the sun god!

Easter bunny? A shout out to Semirarmis, a symbol of fertility!

Sorry, that last one got away from me a little bit. I was just on a roll.”

And so the night goes. Try as you might to explain the holly wreath on your front door as a symbol of “me liking the smell of balsam,” you will be shot blocked into submission.

Though this guy is annoying, there are three things I can agree with him on:

1. It’s easy to lose sight of the real meaning of the season in the face of consumerism.

2. It’s inconsistent to call Halloween “Satan’s Birthday,” and label it a pagan holiday, and then four weeks later front hug a Christmas tree like there was one in the manger the night Jesus was born.

3. The best Christmas album ever made is Mariah Carey’s.

Question:

Have you ever run into the guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday?

The Haiku Bible

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Stephen Pepper. You can check out his blog here.  You can also follow him on Twitter @youthworkinit.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

The Haiku Bible

The Bible is full of different types of writing: narrative, poetry, imagery, history, prophecy, etc. You know one thing it doesn’t have? Haikus.

What’s a haiku? It’s a form of Japanese poetry that has 17 syllables, in the form of three phrases with 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively. It made me wonder though: Is it because it’s Japanese poetry that it didn’t appear in the Bible? Or could it be because 5-7-5 is only one step away in each instance from 6-6-6?

I’ve taken the liberty of converting some parts of the Bible into haiku form. Just think of it as The Message, Japanese-style.

In the beginning

There was absolutely zilch

After six days? Loads (Genesis 1)

God made light and dark

Fish, animals and people

But why mosquitos? (Genesis 1)

Man made from the dirt

Woman made from the man’s bone

Gotta love spare ribs (Genesis 2:20-22)

God – do not look back

Lot’s wife – just one little look

Salty, not Psalty (Genesis 19:1-26)

Sacrifice your son

OK Lord, here you go

You know what Abe – psych! (Genesis 22:1-12)

Stairway to heaven

Angels walking up and down

But no Robert Plant (Genesis 28:12)

Who’s Methusaleh?

Lived to almost a thousand

No Botox back then (Genesis 5:27)

Plagues – blood, frogs, boils

Gnats, locusts, firstborn and more

Dude – just let them go (Exodus 7 – 11)

A man called Balaam

Had a donkey that could speak

No, this isn’t Shrek (Numbers 22:28)

David got some stones

Killed giant, cut off his head

Rest is history (1 Samuel 17)

I’ll get you pregnant

Have your husband killed at war

That’s bad isn’t it (2 Samuel 11)

Put bull on altar

Call down fire from heaven

Ultimate grilling (1 Kings 18:33-38)

Your wife’s quarrelsome?

She’s a dripping leaky roof

Don’t say that to her (Proverbs 19:13)

Que sera sera

Whatever is now has been

And what’s now will be (Ecclesiastes 3:15)

Old men will dream dreams

Your young men will see visions

Cheese eaten at night (Joel 2:28)

Shortest Bible verse?

We all know it’s “Jesus wept”

Shorter than haikus (John 11:35)

Men should have short hair

Women should have longer hair

Alopecia? Dang (1 Corinthians 11:14-15)

Woman rides a beast

With seven heads and ten horns

That’s some crazy stuff (Revelation 17:7)

Question:

What Bible Haikus can you come up with?

(For more great writing from Stephen, check out his blog!)

Going shopping on Black Friday?

If you don’t follow me on Pinterest, and I can’t think of a reason you don’t since it’s a delightful experience, you probably missed the greatest Jesus Juke ever.

Or the worst, it’s hard to tell with these things.

I posted this the other day on Pinterest in my epic “Jesus Juke” board. Let’s quit doing stuff like this.

[image error]

Source: Uploaded by user via Jon on Pinterest

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving holiday. Full of cheer and turkey or if you’re vegetarian like my brother ToFurkey.

It’s officially time to break out the Christmas music. If I were you, I’d go ahead and start with the best.

Stuff Christians Like returns on Monday, November 26!

See you then.

Jon

Video of Deep V-Neck Syndrome.

A while ago, I wrote a post about a crisis that is wrecking the church. This crisis is “DVS” or “Deep V-Neck Syndrome.”

Though I feel like the post changed a lot of lives, it wasn’t enough. So I spoke about this crisis at a conference and recorded the piece so we could all get on the same page.

Without further adieu, here are the 5 stages of Deep V-Neck Syndrome.

7 signs a sermon is almost over.

A few weeks ago, I heard a pastor finally confess something I’d be waiting for a pastor to say my entire life.

During the middle of his sermon, he declared,

“This sermon is going to have four endings.”

I was so happy I wanted to give him the world’s second most awesome side hug. (This was the first most awesome.)

Finally, a pastor was admitting the difficulty of ending a sermon.

Some pastors just preach until the clock runs out and then tie the whole thing off unexpectedly with a prayer.

With little or no warning, right after they’ve read a Bible verse, they’ll say, “Dear God, we just thank you for this Sunday.” If you’re in the audience taking notes, you don’t even know you’re supposed to have your eyes closed. “Are we in a prayer right now? Was that the end?”

To prevent End of Sermon Whiplash or “ESW,” I’ve collected 7 signs that will indicate the ride is about to come to an end. Get your Bibles and your coat. Break yourself, fool, it’s time to go to lunch!

7 ways to know a sermon is about to end:

1. “In closing…”

This is an old school sermon ender. When you hear this phrase, you’ve got about 7 minutes left.

2. “If I could leave you with one thing today…”

When I hear this, I kick everything else out of my head and laser focus. The “one thing” approach is like a grenade of knowledge that is about to be dropped.

3. “As we’re wrapping up…”

Technically, not accurate, since only the pastor should be wrapping up. Hopefully, the crowd isn’t zipping up Bibles or gathering stuff while he’s trying to close the sermon. That’s distracting.

4. The band starts to materialize like musical mist.

Wait a second, is that a guitar player slowly creeping onto the stage all quiet-like? Did the drummer just arise out of the floor to sit behind his kit?

5. The pastor closes his Bible.

Class is over. We took a good look at the good book and now we’re done.

6. The pastor sneaks a peek at the clock and gets nervous.

I’m not a pastor, but occasionally you’ll see me do this when I’m speaking. A lot of churches have clocks on the back walls indicating how much time you have to speak. And they count backwards. When you go over your time they start flashing red. If you ever see a pastor look up, as if to the heavens, and get “insta-sweaty,” it’s because he’s way behind.

7. They start talking faster.

I have two talking speeds–fast and wicked fast. If I realize I’m out of time, but still have 2 main points to share, I speed up. Like a ninja. Or a cheetah. Or a ninja cheetah, the fastest of all martial arts jungle cats.

Those are the signs a sermon is about to end. If, on the other hand, a pastor takes his coat off, removes his watch or says, “Today I want to talk about …” forget it, that sermon is nowhere near over.

Me, personally? I don’t worry about the length of a sermon. I let the Holy Spirit take all the time necessary, but I’m probably holier than you are.

Question:

What does your pastor say at the end of sermons? Did I miss any signs that a sermon is about to end?

Why do Baptists have to sit on the back row?

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Whiteney Sparks. You can check out her blog here.  You can also follow her on Twitter.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

I have been in a Baptist church my entire life and have always heard the term “Back Row Baptists.”  I have even accused people who sit in the back of being “Back Row Baptists.”

So why are Baptists the only ones who get picked on for where they sit in church?

I mean, when you walk into a Methodist church, do they accuse people of being “Middle Row Methodists?”

Is there such a thing as ”Front Pew Presbyterians?”

What about “Left-Sided Lutherans?”

Have you ever heard of the “Choir Loft Church of Christs?”

Or “Center Row Catholics?”

We could play this game all day!

Why do people care where we sit? Granted, sitting in the same seat every Sunday is practically the 12th commandment. (Journalling is the 11th) And didn’t the disciples argue over who would sit at the right hand of Christ? At least we have some New Testament precedent. But do people say this because ”Back Row Baptists” sounds really catchy, or is somebody trying to imply something?

I would like to state for the record, that I do not sit in the back row of our church! I sit more like on the 5th row on the right side. So there!

When you hear the term “Back Row Baptists,” just remember that it does not apply to all of us out there.

But, okay, I have to stop here and admit something. I’m not being completely honest, and I want to make sure that I am building your trust so I will retract that statement.

I have sat on the back row! Oh my goodness! I would be considered a Back Row Baptist….bless my heart!

There are several coloring books and crayons on our back pew, and I only sit there when my children have a hard time listening during the service.

I do not color! Ever! That would just be wrong, even though God made the rainbow. Even though I love coloring and maybe outlined something for my child like one time. I would never sit on the back just to color. Never!

All right, Baptists, admit it…are you a Back Row Baptist?  If you’re not a Baptist, have you ever used the term “Back Row Baptists?”

For more great writing from Whitney, check out her blog!

Holiest font ever.

We’ve talked about how to design a super holy church logo.

We’ve talked about the one font God would like to smite: Comic Sans.

But this…this takes everything to a whole new level. This font is so off the charts that it makes the previous holiest font, Papyrus, look like San Serif Philistine. I saw this at a church recently.

Be honest, have you ever seen a font holier than this?

Want to change the world in 3.2 seconds?

Want to reinvent the way people think about Christians?

Want to start changing the reason people think Christians are jerks?

It’s not that complicated. In fact, I saw Usain Bolt do it this summer.

Remember him? He’s fast. He’s a gold medal Olympian from Jamaica. Sometimes people confuse me with him because I won an international table tennis tournament in Jamaica while on my honeymoon. (Wait a second, newly married wives don’t like when you disappear for a few hours on a honeymoon to participate in a Sandals Resort Table Tennis tournament? That’s some information I could have used prior to that week.)

How do you change the world in 3.2 seconds?

You do something kind that is unnecessary and unexpected.

Which is exactly what Usain Bolt did.

Before one of his races, he walked to the start line. He was on the verge of something he’d been preparing for his entire life. In a matter of seconds, a gun would sound that launched him and every one of his competitors around the track in a mad dash toward gold.

What did he do?

He turned around and fist bumped the lane official.

A guy most racers thought was invisible.

A guy most television cameras completely skipped over.

A guy that is so far into the background of the moment that he’s not even an “extra” in the scene.

Usain turned and did something unnecessary and unexpected. He didn’t need to do that. No one would have criticized him for ignoring the race official. That sort of gesture was not necessary or expected, but he made it anyway.

What was the result?

Joy.

Pure, unabashed, unashamed joy.

The picture tells the story.

That race official can barely contain himself.

Think it’s complicated to change the world? It’s not. All it takes is changing one person’s day, because changing the world always starts with a single person.

Life change leads to world change. That’s the pattern.

Ready to reinvent the way people see Christians?

Be kind in a way that is unnecessary and unexpected.