Jon Acuff's Blog, page 87
December 13, 2012
The older I get.
I’ll turn 37 this month and the image below summarizes something I keep learning.
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Source: markmcevoy.tumblr.com via Jon on Pinterest
Giving open flames to kids on Christmas Eve. (A Christmas SCL Classic)
Imagine if one night a year, your church held a special service and when you walked in, they gave you a Ninja Throwing Star. That would be a nightmare right? Just throwing stars stuck in hymnals and Bibles and legs as far as the eye could see. It would be a bloody mess. But it’s not that different from what a lot of churches do on Christmas Eve when they give everyone hand flames.
Singing a few songs by candlelight is honestly a really beautiful experience, but it’s also funny. The other 364 days of the year, parents work diligently to keep their children away from torches. We put covers on our electrical outlets, hide matches and lighters in hard to reach places, and yell if they get anywhere near a hot oven. But on Christmas Eve, it’s fire time.
Here are a few ways to multiply the fun of having a lit Christmas candle in a church setting:
1. Pretend it’s the Olympic Torch.
I’ve always admired the guy that demands to be the last person clapping in church. While the rest of the congregation has gone quiet, he throws in one more clap, as if to say, “There, I put the punctuation on that clapping session. Done and done.” But that guy has nothing on “last man standing” during Christmas Eve service. See how long you can keep that candle lit. Pretend it’s the Olympic Torch. Be the last one standing in the aisle with a proud flame of “refuse to blow this candle out,” while everyone else is gathering their coats. If someone asks you to blow it out, say, “We’re out of fire at home, I need to save this.”
2. Get the “Christmas Eve Service Candle” App for your iPhone and hold that up instead.
I don’t know if they have this yet for the iPhone but if they don’t, you’re welcome, I just made someone a billion dollars. Think about it, they already have DVDs that make it look like there’s a beautiful fire blazing in a fireplace on your television. Why not an application that flickers and shimmers like a church Christmas Eve service candle? Then, instead of a fire hazard, you could hold up your iPhone and sing by the light of your app. That’s even better than Festivus.
3. Blow out other people’s candles.
I don’t think I have to explain this one, but I promise, it is delightful. My brothers and I turned this into an art, because you can’t just come on out and blow it. You have to do this weird, breathe out of the side of your face, move in which you send a gust of wind with the accuracy of a sniper at someone else’s candle.
4. Play with the wax.
In addition to melting your candle on the shoes of family members, it’s also fun to see how long you can get the wax without it breaking off. You have to hold it at the right angle though. It has to be tilted enough to make it all pool like one of those stilagtitesdifficulttospellcorrectly things in caves, but not so tilted that the weight of the wax breaks it off.
5. Try to keep the candle.
As soon as that last song is finished, it’s like the spell that convinced your parents it was OK for you to have fire in church is broken. And it’s nearly impossible to keep the candle. Trick #1 was about keeping the fire, which sounds like a song Patrick Swayze sang in the 80s. I’m talking about keeping the actual candle. I never actually executed this move, because it’s like the holy grail of candle tricks. There are three people you need to watch out for: Your parents, the ushers and that guy with the box that collects them all at the end. I don’t like that guy. I think all that power went to his head. He didn’t just consider himself the “guy with a candle box,” instead he was always kind of smug and seemed to think he was the “gatekeeper of flame.”
Those were my tricks, but I am certain that when it comes to giving kids torches, I have missed quite a few.
Question:
Does your church do a candlelit service?
(This post originally appeared on SCL on April 25, 2008.)
December 12, 2012
Dwarves from the Hobbit Cheat Sheet
Confused about which dwarf is which? Fear not, just review this cheat sheet before the movie comes out.
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Was that in the Bible?
Help me remember, was that in the Bible somewhere?
What Christmas song is lying?
According to this grumpy old man, this one.
It’s time to change the way we judge.
A few weeks ago, I posted a video of a sermon.
During the video, a little kid runs up onstage and interrupts the service.
The pastor makes a joke, chases the little kid down, and laughs about the whole thing.
It was 86 seconds of footage, but it was enough for us to judge a few things:
1. The soul of the pastor.
2. The reality that he was pompous.
3. That this is the reason people don’t come to church.
4. That this church teaches people that the pulpit is unapproachable.
5. That this misbehaving kid was actually approaching the pulpit in some sort of Samuel hears God’s voice kind of way.
Is that an awful lot to accomplish in 86 seconds of footage? It is, it really is, but never underestimate the ability of us Christians to judge.
Now hopefully, none of us will find ourselves in the same position.
God help us if, in the middle of doing your job, in the middle of doing something people think is scarier than death (public speaking), a child interrupts you. God help us if, someday, someone films 86 seconds of footage of you in an unplanned moment and then proceeds to eviscerate you online.
So what do we do with moments like that? How do we stop being so incorrectly judgmental? (All judgment isn’t bad judgment.)
I have a solution.
I think we need to use our powers of judgment for good.
I think we need to band together, like the Hulk joining the Avengers, and use our powers for the greater good of mankind.
How?
We start helping people judge which checkout line at Walmart is going to be the fastest.
Think about it. It’s Christmas. Walmart is like Mad Max’s Thunderdome right now. There are no rules. Street justice dominates the aisles, stuff is on fire, wearing appropriate clothing is optional.
And into that chaos, we Christians step. We stand there, using our judgment mojo to direct traffic.
“No, go to line 8. That girl is hopped up on Monster Energy drink. She will whip you out of here like Will Smith’s daughter’s hair.”
“Yes, choose line 7. That employee just started their shift. They are fresh and happy.”
“No, avoid aisle 12. That employee is so mad and grumpy right now. They are molassess in a blue apron. Abandon all hope!”
Think about the difference we could make!
Let’s not fight it. We’re a judgmental lot. Embrace it friend. Get in the car. Go to Walmart. Open the gates and seize the day!
December 11, 2012
Hipster Lord of the Rings
I’ve fallen deeply in like with Pinterest. (You should follow me pronto!)
Why do I dig it so?
Because it has stuff like the Hipster Lord of the Rings.
Check out these two and then let’s talk about what other hipster scenes we could create:
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December 10, 2012
Saying “Happy Holidays” or “Enjoy your roll out couch bed in hell.”
Recently, someone emailed me a photo of this billboard:
My first thought was, “Do you know why Jesus misses hearing you say Merry Christmas? Because no one said it to him in the Bible.”
It’s true. When Joseph held the sweet baby Jesus in his arms, he didn’t say, “Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night.”
The wisemen didn’t get down off their awesome camels and say, “Here are some Christmas gifts.”
Even decades later, the disciples didn’t have a Christmas party. Peter never said to Jesus, “I got you a notebook Jesus because I know how much Christians like to journal. Merry Christmas!” And Jesus didn’t respond with, “You shouldn’t have! I got you a pair of Chacos because, good grief, we sure do walk a lot and we love sandals!”
The disciples didn’t have an ugly Christmas sweater contest. They didn’t correct heathens at the local watering hole who were saying, “Happy Holidays.” They didn’t have a candlelight service. They didn’t yule log at all.
We added that. You and me and your grandfather who had an epic beard that would have embarrassed anyone who tried to grow one during “Movember.”
Should you say “Merry Christmas?” Sure, I think that phrase is awesome, but let’s not pretend that angels get wings when you do.
December 8, 2012
Using Cliches From the Pulpit
(It’s guest post Saturday! Here’s one from Bryan Allain in honor of his new humor book that just released this week – Actually, Clams Are Miserable:Deconstructing 101 Ridiculous Clichés. You can also follow him on Twitter @bryanallain. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)
Using Cliches From the Pulpit
Any good writer will tell you to go through your work during the editing process and get rid of all the clichés. ”Clichés are lazy,” the experts say. “They make you sound like an amateur.”
Well, I’ve got news for you, experts, I just started this sentence with a cliché and it felt amazing. What’s more, I wrote a whole book filled with clichés. One hundred and one of them to be exact. How about them apples?
It’s not that I want to defend clichés. On the contrary, the whole point of my new book is to poke fun at how stupid most of them are. But once in a while clichés are necessary, so can we all agree to be a little bit more liberal with our cliché grace in 2013?
I mean, look at pastors. How many messages are they speaking in a given year? Fifty Sundays plus a few Wednesdays plus a handful of funerals and weddings equals A WHOLE LOT OF ORIGINAL MATERIAL. They should be allowed to sneak in a cliché once in a while without receiving looks of condemnation from the grammar police in sheep’s clothing.
I don’t know about you, but I’m going to do my part by offering my pastor a free pass on three clichés he can use as much as he likes in the coming year. Though these clichés bug me just as much as the others in my book, here’s why I’ll let them slide from the pulpit.
1. “From the mouths of babes”
How this expression ever garnered a positive connotation is beyond me. For every cute ‘googoo’ and ‘gaga’ that comes out of a baby’s mouth you also get 41 spit-ups, 117 tantrums, and 50 ‘my diaper is a hot mess’ wails of anguish.
My guess is that this used to be longer, but it accidentally got truncated 250 years ago when a lazy monk was transcribing the first edition of What To Expect When You’re Expecting. The original expression was probably, “From the mouths of babes come vile fluids and sleep-destroying shrieks that will make you question your will to live.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love babies. I’m just not a fan of their mouths.
That being said, my pastor (Sam) has five kids, and stories about his clan are a staple of his messages for a reason: they’re fantastic. So feel free to follow up any one of those stories with this cliche in 2013, even if it is an unfinished sentence.
2. “That person really rubs me the wrong way”
Let me ask you something, pastor. Is there a right way for that person to rub you?
I didn’t think so.
Then again, I’m all for anything that reduces the overall amount of rubbing going on. So please, use this expression early and often.
3. “That’s like comparing apples and oranges”
Why is it wrong to compare apples and oranges? Apples are less messy to eat and offer a wider variety of choices. Oranges taste better and make a better juice. You see, I just compared them, and I like oranges better. Was that really that hard?
How about we start using an expression that truly displays a difficult comparison?
What about, “That’s like comparing wristbands and ear wax.”
Or, “That’s like comparing blocked bowels and the DHARMA Initiative.”
Or even, “That’s like comparing anxiety attacks and Roger Federer’s toothbrush.”
In my opinion, these are all much better comparisons than “apples and oranges.”
That being said, I understand how difficult it can be to improvise on the fly during your fourth message of the week. Sometimes it’s just a miracle that you pastors can string together three coherent sentences in a row.
So go ahead, keep pretending like it’s hard to compare hand fruits. I promise to withhold my judgment.
(Oranges, for the win.)
Questions:
1. Oranges or Apples, who you got?
2. What is your least favorite cliché, the one expression that irks you the most?
(If you enjoyed this post, check out the other 98 clichés Bryan pokes fun at in his new book Actually, Clams Are Miserable. It’s hilarious, it makes a great gift, and it’s available in paperback, PDF, and Kindle formats.)
