Jon Acuff's Blog, page 88
December 11, 2012
Hipster Lord of the Rings
I’ve fallen deeply in like with Pinterest. (You should follow me pronto!)
Why do I dig it so?
Because it has stuff like the Hipster Lord of the Rings.
Check out these two and then let’s talk about what other hipster scenes we could create:
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December 10, 2012
Saying “Happy Holidays” or “Enjoy your roll out couch bed in hell.”
Recently, someone emailed me a photo of this billboard:
My first thought was, “Do you know why Jesus misses hearing you say Merry Christmas? Because no one said it to him in the Bible.”
It’s true. When Joseph held the sweet baby Jesus in his arms, he didn’t say, “Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night.”
The wisemen didn’t get down off their awesome camels and say, “Here are some Christmas gifts.”
Even decades later, the disciples didn’t have a Christmas party. Peter never said to Jesus, “I got you a notebook Jesus because I know how much Christians like to journal. Merry Christmas!” And Jesus didn’t respond with, “You shouldn’t have! I got you a pair of Chacos because, good grief, we sure do walk a lot and we love sandals!”
The disciples didn’t have an ugly Christmas sweater contest. They didn’t correct heathens at the local watering hole who were saying, “Happy Holidays.” They didn’t have a candlelight service. They didn’t yule log at all.
We added that. You and me and your grandfather who had an epic beard that would have embarrassed anyone who tried to grow one during “Movember.”
Should you say “Merry Christmas?” Sure, I think that phrase is awesome, but let’s not pretend that angels get wings when you do.
December 8, 2012
Using Cliches From the Pulpit
(It’s guest post Saturday! Here’s one from Bryan Allain in honor of his new humor book that just released this week – Actually, Clams Are Miserable:Deconstructing 101 Ridiculous Clichés. You can also follow him on Twitter @bryanallain. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)
Using Cliches From the Pulpit
Any good writer will tell you to go through your work during the editing process and get rid of all the clichés. ”Clichés are lazy,” the experts say. “They make you sound like an amateur.”
Well, I’ve got news for you, experts, I just started this sentence with a cliché and it felt amazing. What’s more, I wrote a whole book filled with clichés. One hundred and one of them to be exact. How about them apples?
It’s not that I want to defend clichés. On the contrary, the whole point of my new book is to poke fun at how stupid most of them are. But once in a while clichés are necessary, so can we all agree to be a little bit more liberal with our cliché grace in 2013?
I mean, look at pastors. How many messages are they speaking in a given year? Fifty Sundays plus a few Wednesdays plus a handful of funerals and weddings equals A WHOLE LOT OF ORIGINAL MATERIAL. They should be allowed to sneak in a cliché once in a while without receiving looks of condemnation from the grammar police in sheep’s clothing.
I don’t know about you, but I’m going to do my part by offering my pastor a free pass on three clichés he can use as much as he likes in the coming year. Though these clichés bug me just as much as the others in my book, here’s why I’ll let them slide from the pulpit.
1. “From the mouths of babes”
How this expression ever garnered a positive connotation is beyond me. For every cute ‘googoo’ and ‘gaga’ that comes out of a baby’s mouth you also get 41 spit-ups, 117 tantrums, and 50 ‘my diaper is a hot mess’ wails of anguish.
My guess is that this used to be longer, but it accidentally got truncated 250 years ago when a lazy monk was transcribing the first edition of What To Expect When You’re Expecting. The original expression was probably, “From the mouths of babes come vile fluids and sleep-destroying shrieks that will make you question your will to live.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love babies. I’m just not a fan of their mouths.
That being said, my pastor (Sam) has five kids, and stories about his clan are a staple of his messages for a reason: they’re fantastic. So feel free to follow up any one of those stories with this cliche in 2013, even if it is an unfinished sentence.
2. “That person really rubs me the wrong way”
Let me ask you something, pastor. Is there a right way for that person to rub you?
I didn’t think so.
Then again, I’m all for anything that reduces the overall amount of rubbing going on. So please, use this expression early and often.
3. “That’s like comparing apples and oranges”
Why is it wrong to compare apples and oranges? Apples are less messy to eat and offer a wider variety of choices. Oranges taste better and make a better juice. You see, I just compared them, and I like oranges better. Was that really that hard?
How about we start using an expression that truly displays a difficult comparison?
What about, “That’s like comparing wristbands and ear wax.”
Or, “That’s like comparing blocked bowels and the DHARMA Initiative.”
Or even, “That’s like comparing anxiety attacks and Roger Federer’s toothbrush.”
In my opinion, these are all much better comparisons than “apples and oranges.”
That being said, I understand how difficult it can be to improvise on the fly during your fourth message of the week. Sometimes it’s just a miracle that you pastors can string together three coherent sentences in a row.
So go ahead, keep pretending like it’s hard to compare hand fruits. I promise to withhold my judgment.
(Oranges, for the win.)
Questions:
1. Oranges or Apples, who you got?
2. What is your least favorite cliché, the one expression that irks you the most?
(If you enjoyed this post, check out the other 98 clichés Bryan pokes fun at in his new book Actually, Clams Are Miserable. It’s hilarious, it makes a great gift, and it’s available in paperback, PDF, and Kindle formats.)
December 7, 2012
Why Christians Love to Talk Smack
(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Margaret Feinberg. You can check out her blog here. You can also follow her on Twitter @mafeinberg. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)
Pulling into a church parking lot, I often find myself groaning at the bold, brazen, and boisterous declarations people make on the back of their cars.
There’s always the classic, “My child is an honor student” and the retort, “Your honor student sells bumper stickers!”
But I’m amazed when Christians really get into it. Like the Jesus fish stomping Darwin. Or the “God is not a Democrat” and “God is not a Republican” that gain popularity every four years. Or a church in Denver whose bumper stickers read, “My church can kick your church’s a–!”
Why do churchgoers place hard-to-peel-off statements on the back of their vehicles?
Because Christians love to talk smack!
Now there are a few arguably good reasons to talk smack if you’re a Christian:
1. Christian smack comes from knowing we have the biggest, baddest daddy around. Our daddy slings comets, paints the skies, and flips the switch to the best light shows in the universe. Our daddy made it all, owns it all, infuses it all, and holds it all together. Smackety, smack, take that.
2. Christian smack comes from knowing we’re on the winning team. Reading the Bible is a lot like Tivo—you can fast forward and see who wins. You can surf through scenes of the winners, the overcomers, and even catch glimpses of the rockin’ after-party. Knowing the victor before the game perpetuates a lot of smack talk.
The problem is, whenever we start using Christian smack, it’s usually not too long until someone calls us on it.
That’s right. We have to back up our smack or take the flack.
This isn’t new. An Old Testament prophet, Ezra, loved to talk prophetic smack about God. He boldly proclaimed, “The hand of our God is favorably disposed to all those who seek Him, but His power and His anger are against all those who forsake Him” (Ezra 8:22)
Boom. Bam. Slam.
The only problem was that, soon after He made this God-smack declaration, Ezra had to go on a dangerous journey. And because of his smack, he couldn’t ask the king for troops or protection. Ezra had to make the treacherous trip the old-fashioned way—by trusting God. He prayed, fasted, and begged God to back up His smack-talk.
Ezra was wonderstruck by the results. And the rest is Biblical history. (See Ezra 8:21-32)
So it’s okay to talk God-smack, but you better be ready to live it. Take that, yo.
When does Christian smack get the best of you or someone you know?
My friend, Margaret Feinberg, has a new book that’s just releasing now called Wonderstruck: Awaken to the Nearness of God. It’s the kind of book that will turn your prayer life upside down, rekindle your passion for God, and make you want to dive deeper into the Scripture. And that’s a smack-free endorsement. Check out the book and the killer offer (over $300 in free stuff through December 18) she’s got going on here.
December 6, 2012
Help pick out the cover of my new book!
In April, my new book comes out!
We’re planning some wildly fun stuff and that starts today.
There are three options on the table right now for the cover design.
Can you please spare 12 seconds and in this survey tell me which one you think is best? Which one jumps out at you? Which one would you pick up at the airport?
Take a look below and then click here to answer the one question survey. Thanks!
Option 1
Option 2
Option 3
December 5, 2012
How hipster is your worship leader?
It’s finally here! Get your FREE copy of the Hipster field guide today!
How? Sign up for the SCL newsletter. Just text jonacuff and your email address to 36698
How many points does owning a “city chicken” earn your worship leader?
Does the church potluck have to be “farm to table?”
Find out today!
How Christians get arrogant.
The other day, a friend of mine made a comment about an author. He wrote:
“I’ll say he’s sloppy at best when it comes to sound doctrine and theology.”
I think the first half of that thought is awesome.
I think the author he was describing is sloppy at best.
I think I’m sloppy at best.
I think you’re sloppy at best.
I think there’s not a person on the planet who isn’t sloppy at best.
The longer I’m a Christian, the more I realize how big and mysterious and boundless God is. The idea that I can remove the “sloppiness” from my limited human understanding of him is comical. The idea that, at 36 or 56 or 106, I could reach a point in my life where I have him all figured out is silly.
In anything, the Christians I know with the deepest, most mature faiths tell me, “The closer I got to God over the decades, the more I realized how very little I knew about his wonderfulness and how very desperately I needed him more than ever.”
The fear in admitting faith is sloppy is that you’ll lose all sense of truth, and everything will become relative. As if admitting you haven’t figured God out completely is a single step away from “All religions basically say the same thing. God is too big to figure out so let’s not even try. Anything goes.”
But the more we fear that extreme example and refuse to have sloppy discussions, the more we invite something poisonous into our faith – arrogance.
My friend might not have had that in his words. But others do when they draw manmade boundaries around a boundless God.
As if any of us will get to heaven and have God say, “You got it all right. Every inch of who I am was perfectly understood by you while you were alive. That time in Isaiah 55 when I said, ‘My thoughts are not your thoughts,’ I meant that verse for everyone but you. You nailed it.”
Even the disciples, who lived with Jesus, were constantly getting it wrong.
I love what happens in Luke 9:
As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem. And he sent messengers on ahead, who went into a Samaritan village to get things ready for him; but the people there did not welcome him, because he was heading for Jerusalem. When the disciples James and John saw this, they asked, “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?” But Jesus turned and rebuked them. Then he and his disciples went to another village.
I can’t help but imagine what Jesus wanted to say:
“Wait, what? What’s your solution? I’ve been preaching ‘turn the other cheek.’ And in Luke 9, or what you might call ‘Last Tuesday,’ I told you that if a town won’t welcome you, ‘shake the dust off your feet when you leave their town, as a testimony against them.’ What was the solution you just recommended? Call fire down from heaven to destroy them? OK, just checking. How did you ever think that was the right response?”
And then, the verse tells us he rebuked them.
If we were honest, I think a lot of us deserve a rebuke in that same way. When we add things to Scripture, when we put works as a means to grace, when we create rules in order to feel in control, I think Jesus wants to rebuke us.
Does this mean we should not study?
Does this mean we should not call ourselves to learn theology?
Does this mean we should not sharpen one another with truth?
Does this mean there are not doctrinal truths we must hold fast to?
Does this mean there are not slippery slopes that must be avoided?
Of course not.
It means we have to be honest.
To admit that we are learning, but we are sloppy.
Fortunately, we have a God who is not.
December 4, 2012
This is what churches in the UK do with husbands.
A friend from the UK sent me this photo.
First thing I did was look up the word “Creche.” My fear was it was similar to “quiche,” and in England they were turning husbands into breaded lunch foods. Pretty reasonable fear if you think about it. Turns out, I was wrong.
It means “day care.”
So, at this church, which must be near some stores, wives can drop off their husbands while they go shopping in peace.
I wonder if they do it like we do Sunday School at my church. When I drop my kids off, I get a bracelet with a number on it. If my kids misbehave, I win the bad parent lottery and a number is displayed during church on the “screen o’ shame” indicating that I must retrieve them post-haste. Is that what they are doing in the UK? Hard to say.
But that’s not what I want to talk about today. I’d much rather discuss these two questions with you:
1. Ladies, if you could drop your husband off at church while you shopped, would you?
2. Everybody, what would that drop-off spot in America be like? I’m thinking some sort of Messiah-based man cave. Part Philippians, part Fantasy Football. How would you design the American version of the “Husband Creche?”
December 3, 2012
10 people who need this for Christmas.
It’s Christmas season and it’s time to buy some gifts.
There are 10 people you might know who could use a copy of my last book, Quitter
.
Scan this list to make sure no one you know is on it.
10 people who need Quitter.
1. The friend who doesn’t have a clue what his dream is but knows he’s not doing it right now and wants to figure it out.
2. The husband with a wife who has always believed in him more than he’s believed in himself.
3. A stay-at-home mom who has had a dream for a few years and needs a push over the edge to start it.
4. The college student who doesn’t want to waste a single day at the wrong job when they graduate.
5. The dad who has a thousand good ideas but doesn’t know which one to actually focus on.
6. The unemployed neighbor who needs a new start and some new hope.
7. The girl who was told by her parents that her dream “would never work” and believed it for too long.
8. The 37-year-old woman who has been running from a dream for years but that dream refuses to keep quiet, and it’s time to really try it.
9. The friend who is stuck.
10. You.
Help someone you know close the gap between their day job and their dream job in 2013.
Give someone you know a copy of Quitter this year. Here is where to get it on Amazon.
