Jon Acuff's Blog, page 94

A Primer for Catalyst

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Curtis Honeycutt.  His blog is WhenAtLast.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

A  Primer for Catalyst

The first (and most important thing) you must know about Catalyst is that it’s not a conference to get together and watch a list of the most hilarious cat videos on YouTube. It’s also not Craigslist for cats. Or catapults. As disappointing as those factoids may be, Catalyst is an awesome event for Christian leaders from all over the country. Here’s a primer on what you need to know about Catalyst.

1.  It’s like a family reunion for metrosexual worship leaders. You’d think The Buckle was having a “Free Flannel V-Neck Day” and sent out VIP coupons to worship leaders.

2.  Because there are so many worship leaders in the audience, the singing is fantastic. Except around me, where savvy  Catalysters build in at least a four-seat buffer by the third session.

3.  Craig Groeschel will be there. This doesn’t just apply to Catalyst, but any Christian event, from The Global Leadership Summit to your local church’s senior adult potluck. Where two or more are gathered, Craig Groeschel will be there, working the room…you just have to find him. He’s Waldo.

4.  There will be swag. Free t-shirts. Messenger bags galore. Those grippy things that open jars. Microsoft Zunes. Precious Moments bobble heads. LannyDonoho press-on goatees. For these reasons, youth pastors will be wearing their special cargo pants with extra pockets.

5.  Catalyst likes to break records and do crazy things. In past years, they’ve broken the most records for breaking the most (vinyl) records. One time they broke the record for the largest pillow fight. I saw a guy jump into a kiddy pool from like 100 feet in the air. There have been human cannon balls, trampoline acrobats, and even Tripp and Tyler suspended from cables.

6.  At some point, the worship band will feel like The Polyphonic Spree is onstage (they have over 20 band members). I know when you have to parenthetically explain humor, it’s not funny anymore, but this is an apt analogy. Someone from Hillsong will be hillsinging. There will be dueling drummers. Some guy who looks like he just rolled out of bed will be jumping up and down with a banjo. There might even be a keytar or two. You won’t be disappointed.

7.  All the Twitters and Instagrams will be blowing up with hashtags. This social networking overuse will cause slow internets. Do what I do and update your status via Morse Code. That network is wide open.

8.  Other than a sports event, this is the only time the line for the women’s restroom will be shorter than the men’s line. Unless, of course, you can find the secret bathroom.

For more great writing from Curtis, please check out his blog!

Why do people think Christians are crazy online?

Because we post things like this on Facebook and they get 109,276 likes.

Quit it.

The Simple Things

My friend works with someone who lost 200 pounds. One day he asked him how he did it. He was expecting a complicated “core blasting, fresh caught river fish, only eat green things that grow in the late autumn,” kind of answer. Do you know what the person said?

“I ate less. And I moved more.” Then, in the way I tell the story in my head, he dropped an imaginary mic like Eminem at the end of 8 mile and walked away.

Sometimes we want things to be complicated so we don’t have to do them. We talk ourselves into circles and analyze and debate a million different ways so that there are obstacles between us and whatever action we know we should be taking. But kids see through that kind of nonsense.

McRae, my 6 year old, reminded me of that the other day.

While driving her home from art class, one of my favorite moments of every week, she said, “If I was homeless I would go to Costco every day to eat samples.”

That seems like a pretty solid plan. McRae doesn’t know they check for a membership card at the door. In her mind you could work the Costco sample buffet like a charm.

I asked her in response, “Where would you sleep at night?”

She paused for a second like she couldn’t believe the absurdity of me even having to ask and said, “At church.”

What she said next knocked me off my feet a little:

“The church would let me or they’re not Christians.”

I thought she was done after that, but she continued, “That’d be mean to say ‘get out of here, this is private property!’ I’d sleep at the church. You know, the church?”

I almost checked the rear view mirror to make sure there was still a six year old little girl in the back seat and not a tiny, booster seated theologian.

She’s right. There are some things in life we’re just supposed to do.

They might be difficult but they’re not complicated.

If you ever ask a little kid they’ll let you know what they are. And if you ask who should be doing them, they’ll probably look at you like you’re a little crazy and respond, “The church. You know, the church?”

 

One irony to rule them all.

I don’t know who made this photo of Tolkien, but it wasn’t me. If I did know, I would salute them for noticing something hilarious about the Lord of the Rings that I never realized.

Did you ever notice the irony mentioned in this photo? (Don’t debate the definition of irony either. I feel like Alanis made it pretty clear.)

 

The 1 person you should never help.

According to the Bible, we’re supposed to love our neighbor and our enemy. Yikes, that seems like it covers everyone. Who isn’t in one of those two categories? The pressure! The pressure!

Fear not, though. I found someone you should never love or help. In fact, a whole category of people. I actually got an email from one of them the other day. The email address was oncall4Jesus@yahoo.com. Definitely a neighbor, not an enemy. The subject line of the email was “urgent,” and being a helpful Christian myself, I immediately opened it. I was shocked at what I discovered inside, and I thought it might be good to break down the email in case you ever get sent one like this. Here is the actual text of the email and my thoughts:

I really hope you get this on time.

(Don’t worry, oncall4Jesus, I did get it on time. Proceed, with urgency.)

I didn’t tell you about my visit to Spain with my family for a short vacation,

(Kind of bummed about that right off the bat. You think you know someone and then they jaunt off to Spain with their family without even letting you know.)

but unfortunately we were robbed at the hotel where we lodged along with other folks.

(What??!! Oh no! Not only did they get robbed, they started using “lodge” as a verb, as if that’s common. Good thing that, like every other hotel on the planet, there were “other folks” staying there.)

We didn’t bring our phones and the hotel telephone lines were disconnected during the incident.

(What kind of Ocean’s 11 heist was this? In addition to robbing you, the cat burglars went to the trouble of disconnecting the hotel phone lines. As the Spanish and Bart Simpson say, “Ay Caramba!”)

So I have access to only emails.

(Thank goodness the thieves did not mess up the wifi at the hotel. That was their first mistake. George Clooney would have.)

Please I’m going to need some sort of loan from you for us to relocate to another hotel close to the embassy

(Smart move, oncall4Jesus. Get the embassy involved. I’ve seen enough movies to know that’s the first thing you want to do when you’re up against a Spanish thievery ring. And loan? It’s kind of you to even use that word, that gives me the sincere assurance that this money will be paid back promptly. But, as we both know from Romans 13:8, “Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.”)

and also to get another flight ticket.

(Is that what they’re selling now in Spain? “Flight tickets?” Oh the miracle of flight, now finally available. The Wright brothers would be thrilled, if they weren’t currently lodging in coffins.)

Those thieves made away with our credit cards as well which is why this can’t be resolved instantly.

(Credit cards too? Those rapscallions! Is there anything they did not take? They stole your money and your credit cards, but they can never take your freedom! Not as long as flight tickets are available for purchase. As a Dave Ramsey guy, I personally think those thieves did you a favor by stealing your credit cards. You were being robbed by the credit card companies already, but we’ll talk about that over lattes when you get back!)

We have been to the Embassy and the Police here are not helping issues at all and our flight leaves tomorrow.

(I appreciate you capitalizing “Embassy.” Your earlier lowercase made me nervous. They’re not helping now? I’m confused why you wanted to move your hotel closer to them then, but what do I know. And the police? I’ve seen Taken a number of times. You’re better off throat chopping your way across Europe than you are trying to work with the international police. As far as your flight goes, did the thieves steal your flight tickets as well? Surely you did not go off on this secretive Spanish vacation without buying a return ticket? That’s just like you oncall4Jesus! Fly all the way to Spain on a one-way ticket, and then hope against hope that you do not run into a band of Andalusian marauders.)

Please, Let me know if you can help us out? I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Regards

Jean

(Jean! Oh, for a second I was hoping that your name would help me remember if this was coming from the husband or wife of this stranded family. But that name is perfectly in the middle. Sure, most male Jeans are spelled “Gene,” but it could still go either way. Curses Pat, Chris, Jordan, Jesse, Kelly! Can I help? of course! But first let me say how fortunate it is that the thieves did not take your passports when then they were stealing your money, your credit cards, and flight tickets. That would have been a real pickle.)

At the end of the day, I wasn’t able to help Jean. Upon further review, I started to feel like maybe Jean wasn’t being completely honest with me.

So there. There’s at least one person on the planet we don’t have to love or help.

Christian live tweeting

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from John Hughes. You can check out his blog here. You can also follow him on Twitter. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Christian live tweeting

Live tweeting is all the rage at any conference or gathering of people.  And like many things, the church is starting to pick up on this.

I was recently at a denominational conference, and we were given the opportunity to live tweet while the speakers were delivering their message. Being not so new to Twitter, but entirely new to live tweeting, I was a bit apprehensive as the conference kicked off.  How many people at a rural denominational conference are going to actually tweet?

In the most southern of sentences, it was “a whole bunch.” I floundered to find my voice and eventually caught on to the different personas that exist during a live tweet.

And what are they you ask?

I’m glad you can read my mind.  A non-exhaustive list follows:

1.  Requoter: The person who does nothing more than simply tweet an exact quote from the keynote speaker. They worry that the original message is more important than self-application so they refuse to modify anything. This is helpful at any conference where a transcript of the message will not be available later on.

2.  Introspecter: The person who really takes the message to heart. So much so they must relate in 140 or less characters how moved they were by a simple statement. These people tend to be a little furry and hard to pin down. Often, the association of their emotion to the speech is loose at best.

3.  Quick Draw McGraw (I hope that isn’t a copyright infringement!): This person’s sole purpose is to get a comment or quote out about a particular thought before the rest of the group can. These are the same people that buzz in on Jeopardy before the full question is stated and flounder for the answer.

4.  Retweeter: All this person does is retweet what others have stated. It appears this person is incapable of original thought. Honestly they may be robots. Christian robots here to take your KJV translations.

5.   Master Distracter: Not to be confused with the introspecter, this person has some of the same goals, but they really don’t care about the message being delivered. They will use a speech on quantum physics to tell you about their hard times or prayer needs. If you follow them long enough, you will forget there is even someone speaking.

6.  Incessant Tweeter: This person seems to not really hear any of the message. All they do is tweet. Honestly, they may not even really be there. They can just take cues from other commenters and fake it. Whatever you do, do not engage them. This will result in a 4-day  conversation about the event they may or may not have actually attended. And Twitter etiquette requires you respond to anyone who addresses you.

7.  Clueless: This person is new to Twitter and just can’t quite seem to get it. They may get the hashtag correct, but they don’t actually include any content, or they spend the entire conference using the wrong hashtags and wondering where all the other Twitter users are. We have all been this person. Just gently nudge them in the right direction, and if they don’t seem to catch up, just block them.

I think we have to be careful with live tweeting however. I love the concept, but as a one-sided conversation, live tweeting can become a conversational bully. Blowing up feeds of people with line after line of sermon tweets will get you blocked quicker than posting pictures of Jesus wagging his finger at you.

What are some of the personalities you have encountered during a live tweet session?

For more great writing from John, check out his blog.

Fearing your church will do something wacky the one time you invite a friend.

The only thing Christians like more than inviting friends, coworkers, and family members to church is fearing that on the Sunday they do, all hell will break loose during service. (Not a swear. This is a Christian blog; I get to use that one.)

It doesn’t matter how great your church is Sunday after Sunday. On the one day you actually invite a neighbor for the first time, there’s a moment of panic that passes through you.

Worship music top notch week after week?  Well this will be the Sunday the lady who owns a mission trip rain stick souvenir will be doing an interpretation of the song “I Can Only Imagine.”

Pastor always brings his A game?  Well this will be the Sunday he starts his sermon by saying, “Today I want to talk about why you should give all your money to the church unless you want to go to hell.”

Never done any old school snake handling at your church?  Well this will be the Sunday where they hand out a free pit viper with each bulletin.

Your only defense against this fear is to prepare a really good church disclaimer.  As soon as the service jumps off the tracks and you see your friend squirm, lean over to them and call a mulligan, “Church is never like this. I don’t know what’s going on today. Will you please come back next week?”

(This originally appeared in the Stuff Christians Like book. If you want to pick up a copy, click here!)

The Carpet Bomb.

Conner is going to eat too much Halloween candy and throw up.

You won’t even notice him eating it either. You can come up with all the plans you want, that is happening. On October 31, Conner will get sick from too many twizzlers, too many dum dums, too many tootsie rolls.

That’s what 7 year old boys do. They sprint up front stoops, ring door bells with enthusiasm, and pray they find a house with an unattended bucket that says, “Please only take one.”

This is one of my many memories of our neighbor Conner who lived a few houses down from us in Atlanta. I had two daughters, they had two sons and they all became friends before any of them contracted cooties and could no longer play together.

Blonde haired Conner loved my skateboards, something a dad in the suburbs is not expected to have. He was a tornado of energy and excitement, the king of jumping in the pool or building a zip line in the backyard. And then cancer snuck up on all of us.

Conner fought it. For years we thought he had beat it, but then it came back.

At an age when learning cursive in the second grade should be his biggest challenge, he’s facing 200 days of chemotherapy. At an age when his 9 year old brother should be watching his toys to make sure his little brother Conner doesn’t take any, he’s watching his little brother lose his hair.

A few weeks ago I read an update on his progress on Caring Bridge. (His name is ConnerArneson1 on Caring Bridge) His mom said it meant so much to her that people who don’t even know Conner were praying for him. And then I remembered, I know a lot of people who don’t Conner.

I know thousands of people who don’t know Conner.

So today, instead of a normal Serious Wednesday, I want to do something different.

Today, I want to carpet bomb Conner with prayer. We always hear about the dangers of social media, but as a member of the SCL family for four years, I’ve had a chance to see the beauty of it too.

Today, pray for Conner. Leave a comment to let his mom know you did and if you don’t mind, post where you’re from. I’d love to send her the link to this post and let her see hundreds of people from dozens of countries praying because they know a Conner too and they know how much prayer can matter to a mom with a son in the hospital.

Thank you.

Jon

What would you spray paint on this dumpster?

How’s that for a headline?

A friend took this photo and emailed it to me. (Feel free to send me stuff at jon (at) jonacuff.com)

I thought it was funny and, perhaps, a borderline Jesus Juke. (Name dropping God to prevent illegal disposal of garbage.)

But what I thought could be even funnier was spray painting something under that message. A response, if you will.

If you were going to write something back on this dumpster, what would you say?

(I’d probably go with “Doesn’t The Message saying something about ‘loving your neighbor and helping them dispose of an old mattress’?”)

Let’s see who can post the funniest comment!

God or Girlfriend? (Mumford & Sons Edition.)

Ever heard of the game “God or Girlfriend?”

Of course not, I just invented it!

Don’t worry, though, it’s easy to play. All you do is take the lyrics of a popular song and ask yourself, “Is this singer talking about God or Girlfriend?” (You can play “God or Boyfriend” with Florence + The Machine.)

Today’s song? “I Will Wait” by Mumford & Sons.

This one is a little tricky because they’re clearly not a worship band, so you’d think, “This song is about lead singer Marcus’ girlfriend who he recently married.” But, not so fast, his parents are the national directors of the Vineyard Church in Great Britain.” As far as I’m concerned, he’s a pastor’s kid.

But don’t listen to me. Let’s look at the lyrics.

God or Girlfriend? Mumford & Sons Edition

“Well I came home”

Clearly this is a Prodigal Son reference.

“Like a stone”

Probably referring to the stone that was rolled away from the tomb.

And I fell heavy into your arms

Not sure, could be a girlfriend or God. Although it’d have to be a strong girlfriend to catch you if you fell that heavy. Probably does P90X. Or it could be about doing a trust fall during a youth group retreat. Too close to call.

“These days of dust”

This is about God and Adam, we all come from the dirt.

“Which we have known

Will blow away with this new sun”

Psalm 68:2 As smoke is blown away by the wind, may you blow them away. I’d feel better if the word “sun” was in that Bible verse, but close enough.

“But I’ll kneel down”

What do you do when you pray? You kneel! This song is about God!

“Wait for now”

Next to journaling, “waiting” is Christianity’s favorite verb.

And I’ll kneel down

Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

“So break my step”

God is our shepherd. One of the things shepherds sometimes do with a wayward sheep is break his leg and then mend it. It helps the sheep stay close and learn. Don’t make me quote Isaiah 19:22, “The LORD will strike Egypt with a plague; he will strike them and heal them. They will turn to the LORD, and he will respond to their pleas and heal them.” Plus, this has to be about God. If you told a girlfriend, “So break my step,” she would sweep your leg and yell, “There is no pain in this dojo!” That relationship would be horrible. 

“And relent

Well you forgave and I won’t forget”

Seriously, do I have to explain this one to you? This clue is 7 times 70 easy! Who is all about forgiveness? God!



“Know what we’ve seen

And him with less

Now in some ways

Shake the excess”

Not going to lie, this one is tricky. I think he’s saying. “You know what we’ve seen, we’ve been to the Grammy’s. I wore pants made of gold and unicorn manes.” And the him in “him with less” is referring to all of mankind, those of us who do not have access to pants woven from unicorns. He is asking God to shake the excess lifestyle from him, but saying “I don’t want to wear golden pants” would make for a really dumb lyric.

cause I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

“Now I’ll be bold

As well as strong”

Deuteronomy 31:6. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (This is practically a VBS song at this point!)

“And use my head alongside my heart”

So obvious, this is Marcus Mumford singing about taking something from your head to your heart, the hardest 12 inches to travel.



“So tame my flesh

And fix my eyes”

2 Corinthians 4:18. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

“A tethered mind freed from the lies”

You say tomato. I say tomato. You say “tethered.” I say “yoked.”

“And I’ll kneel down

Wait for now

And I’ll kneel down

Know my ground

Raise my hands”

A subtle reference to singing with your hands raised during church.



“Paint my spirit gold”

Wow, I should practically get seminary credit for listening to this song. Here we go with Job 23: 9-10

When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;

when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.

But he knows the way that I take;

when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.



“Bow my head”

Bow my head? Could this song be more about God?

Keep my heart slow

’cause I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

This one feels pretty easy. Roughly 82% of the Bible was referenced in this one song. But what do you think?

Question:

God or Girlfriend?

(Below is a video of the song in case that helps you make your decision.)