Jon Acuff's Blog, page 143

Improving your church directory.

(Some Guy is back with another guest post! I loved his Christmas one and think you'll dig this one just as much. Point 1 was my favorite part. Enjoy!)

Improving your church directory – by Some Guy.

I don't know how you folks at large churches keep track of each other, but we here at small churches like to use the church directory. The church directory is used more often than the phone book at our house. In fact, I can't remember the last time I used the actual yellow pages, which are still dropped near our mailbox a few times a year. I try to make sure they stay stacked neatly next to the mailbox, but the raccoons like to knock them over.

I have noticed changes of the church directory throughout the years. It started out with just names, addresses, and phone numbers. The next one added email addresses. The current one was a big deal because it added photographs of each family. And they were in color!

But we haven't updated our church directory in a few years. Those photos are due to be updated because it's getting hard to recognize some of the kids. And there are some new families who aren't in the directory. Before anyone starts updating the church directory, you need to consider how you could improve it. Every church directory has to be better than the one before. You can't just add the new people to the same old directory format.

I don't know if my church will actually use these, but here are some new features to improve the next church directory:

1. Back-of-the-head photos

The pictorial directory is nice, but it really helps just the pastor since he's the only one who sees people's faces during church. Everyone else sees the backs of heads. So the new church directory should have pictures of the fronts and backs of heads.

2. Seating chart

The other problem is that people sit in the same spots every week, so the back-of-the-head photo works only for the people in front of them. The church directory should be updated so that it lists their information, gives the front and back photos, and shows where they sit in the sanctuary ("left side, 4th pew from the front, near center aisle" or, if your church is fancy, "section B3, seat 12″)

3. Paperless Option

All my bills and statements are going paperless, why not the church directory? If only there were an internet service that let you store your information and let you link with other people in the church and then you could see their information, in perhaps a social networky kind of way…

Yeah, someone should create that. I'm thinking that might get pretty popular. We could call it some catchy name (I'm still working on that – all the obvious names are taken). And we'd have to make up some trendy term for the process of linking with fellow church-goers…maybe we'd "membership" them.

(I know "membership" isn't really a trendy term right now, but we could make it trendy. Then once it caught on, we could make a movie, maybe a church-ville game, who knows?)

I'm sure there are a bunch of ways to improve the church directory. Any other suggestions? Or what does your church do if it doesn't publish a directory?

(For more great stuff from Some Guy, make sure you check out his blog www.someblogsite.com)

Feeling like you should write a blog post about Lady Gaga's song, Judas, but not knowing how to.

Sometimes people ask me how I come up with ideas for Stuff Christians Like. Here is the thought process I recently went through as I debated whether to write about Lady Gaga:

1. Should I write about Lady Gaga's new song "Judas."

2. Maybe not, approximately 0 of my friends asked me this year to help them with a protest of Lady Gaga's "Judas." And no one sent me online petitions trying to get the song taken off the radio.

3. Are we mad about that song? It doesn't seem like it.

4. Hooray! We've chilled out on stuff like that.

5. Wait, is that a bad thing? Is that a sign of our generation's weakening faith and refusal to take a stand for the supremacy and majesty of God?

6. Yikes, that's a big conclusion to jump to based on a song.

7. If I write about it, I better watch the video first so I can really speak to it.

8. But not at work.

9. And probably not at home.

10. Is there a TBS version of the video I can watch, like when they edit episodes of Sex and the City?

11. But as a Christian blogger, as someone sometimes relevant, should I write about the song? Is that something I should be concerned about or interested in? Did poultry farmers feel compelled to blog about her coming out of an egg at the Grammy's? I know Pioneer Woman is a farmer, did she or her husband Marlboro Man briefly consider addressing the use of the egg as a vehicle with a blog post? Hard to say.

12. Speaking of eggs, better stock up on Cadbury Crème Eggs this week. This is the week they migrate back to whatever delicious corner of the earth they spend the Summer, Fall and Winter at.

13. Maybe I could do a Serious Wednesday post about praying for pop stars. On the one hand, I get the strain pop stars like Lady Gaga are under. A lot of pop music is about one upping the next person, about doing something louder/brighter/more shocking than the other person. And the more you keep doing that, the louder the noise gets and the harder it is to be shocking next time. So in order to cause a stir you have write songs about shocking topics or figures like Judas.

14. That would be a weird Serious Wednesday, let's not do that.

15. I need to tell people that the secret when stockpiling Cadbury Crème Eggs is to heat them in the microwave for 5.2 seconds when you eat them in the fall and they're kind of old. The microwave brings them back to life. Is there a Lady Gaga egg vs. Cadbury Crème Egg mashup possible?

16. Let's do a little research. Let's google reactions. Hmm, World Horseshoe Championships. Nope, not what I am looking for although I would dominate. Here we go, one news site said Gaga's creative director, is "a religious Christian…" Uh oh, what does that mean? A "religious Christian?" I thought we were distancing ourselves from the R word because some people think it has negative connotations.

17. What is Lady Gaga's camp saying about the song. OK, here's one: the song is about "inspiration and to never give up… We've created a new Jerusalem."

18. Whoa, what does that mean, they've created a "new Jerusalem?" I thought it was just a song and a video.

19. Yeah, but that quote could be out of context, who knows what was in the … and people say wild things in the moment. Remember when you told that radio host, "I'll sign copies of my book as Francis Chan since I'm not famous and he's really kind hearted and he won't mind?" That joke bombed. That was a crazy thing to say. Careful about sound bites.

20. But they did release the video around Easter for the biggest possible shock value. They knew what they were doing with the marketing. Maybe the quote wasn't out of context.

21. I should definitely not write about Lady Gaga. Or I definitely should. It's one of those two.

I went around and around like that for a week, debating whether I should write about it. Until at last, I trusted my old friend, the list. And I wrote this.

But what about you, did you and your friends talk about the Lady Gaga song "Judas?"

Hear me on the radio today!

I'll be on the radio today at 4PM Central with Wally from Total Axxess, doing a new segment called "Dear Jon." The segment is based on questions folks ask me and no question is off limits.

Here's the link to listen to the show online: Total Axxess

Here's the link to ask a question: Dear Jon

Send in some questions or call into the show and let's talk!

The 9 words you missed last weekend.

Sometimes, hope hurts.

It shouldn't. The phrase, "hope hurts" should be an oxymoron like "Lil Wayne gospel album." But I promise you, it's not.

Sometimes when you're so deep in a season of hurt, you get used to the bad. You start to think you deserve it. You start to expect it and get comfortable with it and get numb to it. And like a creature that lives so far down on the bottom of the sea, you adapt to it. You cobble together little survival mechanisms that help you get through. You get by.

But hope is tenacious …

Even in the darkest of my days, when I'd journal about suicide and despair, a fragment of hope still bounced about softly in the dryer of my head. (When you're married with kids and have lots of laundry to do, 42% of your metaphors and analogies become housework flavored.)

There was a problem though, there was a painful obstacle between me and hope. You see, I was so far down the path of hopelessness, I was so lost and selfish and bent on destruction that I found myself in a terrible lose-lose situation. For example: If people were kind to me, I felt scared because I believed the lie that if they really knew me they wouldn't be kind to me and would be horrified at who I really am. If people were mean to me, I felt hurt because they had been mean to me. Any way I turned simply resulted in more fear and more hurt.

And that is one of sin's goals. Not simply to remove the good from your life, but to have it actually serve as a weapon of mass destruction.

Have you ever felt that way?

Have you ever felt completely unworthy when someone offers you love?

Have you ever been ashamed of the lies you're living when someone offers you truth?

Have you ever felt undeserving of something good, because deep down, you believed that person wouldn't really love you if they knew who you were?

It's very possible that I'm the only one, and that's OK. But I do need to tell you about the 9 words in the Bible that changed the way hope felt for me. And they're 9 words you probably missed last weekend during Easter just like I did for so many years. Which is why I remixed this post.

I've written about this before, but I'm a big fan of "edge verses." I'm a big fan of looking on the periphery of a scene in the Bible and seeing all the deep truth that often gets hidden amidst a major scene. And in Luke 22 that certainly happens.

Jesus is on the threshold of getting crucified. He has the last supper with his disciples. He is sharing his thoughts on the father and the concept of serving and ruling. There is a sense of great importance heavy in the air. In the middle of that, he has a short conversation with Simon about how he is going to betray him.

It's going to happen. Jesus knows this, but he wishes it wasn't. He says to Simon in Luke 22:31-32:

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail."

And then, in 9 words, he explains a big part of the reason I thought a mess-up like me ever had a chance at being a Christian.

Jesus tells Simon:

"And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

That's it, those are 9 really simple words, but they demand a second look.

Do you see what Jesus is saying in that first half of the sentence, "And when you have turned back?" He's saying:

And when you fail.

And when you sin.

And when you blow it and sell me out like a common thief.

And when you literally and physically turn your back on me.

And when you ruin it all.

When you turn back.

That concept is part of why our God is so different than everything we expect. We can turn back. There's a return. There's a comeback. There's a loss and a brokenness and a state of falling, but you can turn back. That door is open. When I read the phrase "And when you have turned back," I read a loud, wild picture of what grace really looks like.

Then you get to the part that is so easy to miss, the comma. Thank God for the comma, because that's not how I would have written that sentence.

Mine would have looked more like:

"And when you have turned back, repent for three years before you try to get within a mile of my holiness."

"And when you have turned back, don't think for a second you're qualified to tell other people about me."

"And when you have turned back, here's a long list of works you'll need to do in order to clean yourself of the mistakes you've made and the consequences you've earned."

But Christ doesn't do that! He throws in a comma. He continues the sentence and simply says, "strengthen your brothers."

Six years ago I ruined my life, but you know what?

God gave me the gift of the comma.

And that's why I write Stuff Christians Like.

I have turned back. Not once, not twice, but a million times. And now it's time to strengthen my brothers.

I don't know what Easter was like for you last weekend, but I hope you didn't miss the comma because God wants to give it to you. He wants to give you grace. He wants you to know that when you have turned back, you can still strengthen your brothers.

It's time to accept the comma of grace.

Quitter Book Tour Dates!

In less than two weeks, my new book Quitter comes out. (The official release date is May 10 and you can get the audio book download free if you order the book before then on DaveRamsey.com).

I'm going to be in Dallas, Nashville, Atlanta and Orlando doing book signings/tweetups. I'd love for you to come out to see me and support the new book. In addition to the chance for us to hang out, we're giving away $500 at each signing. You walk in, you side hug, you might win $500. Boom! It's that easy. (Side hug is not a requirement to be entered for the $500.)

Here are the details. If you're in Dallas, Nashville, Atlanta or Orlando, please stop by! It's going to be a blast.

Wednesday May 11, 2011, Dallas Area

6:00 pm – 8:00 pm Books-A-Million

3000 Grapevine Mills Parkway

Grapevine, TX 76051

972-539-0636

Thursday May 12, 2011 Nashville Area

6:00 pm – 8:00 pm

Barnes & Noble

1701 Mallory Lane

Brentwood, TN 37027

615-377-9979

Friday May 13, 2011 Atlanta Area

7:00 pm – 9:00 pm

Books-A-Million

Discover Mills

Lawrenceville, GA 30043

678-847-5115

Thursday May 19, 2011 Orlando Area

6:00 pm – 8:00 pm

Books-A-Million

200 North Entrance Road

Orlando-Sanford, FL 32771

407-328-4700

Grandmothers who love Jesus.

If you've ever posted a comment on Stuff Christians Like, then there's something I need to tell you. Something I've never mentioned before. Something I didn't know about until last Christmas.

What is it?

My Grandma is praying for you.

Not a blanket prayer. She's not saying wide sweeping "please protect everyone who comments on Stuff Christians Like" prayers. She is praying individually, by name, for you.

She told me that last Christmas. She reads every single comment. The nice ones, the not nice ones, the short ones, the rambling ones. She also asked me about specific readers and mentioned that she's always praying for them.

That is awesome to me. Someone in Germany can leave a comment on a satire blog and my Grandma in her 80s, in Charlotte, North Carolina, prays for them. Hooray for the Internet, but above all, hooray for Grandmothers who love Jesus.

In thinking about my Grandma, I realized there are a few consistencies that most Grandmas who love Jesus share:

1. She knows more Bible than you.

You might study a lot. You might read a lot. You might have long forsaken needing the table of contents in your Bible and have made the pages look like the inside of a bag of Skittles from your constant underlining. But you will not "out Bible" your grandmother. Don't even try.

2. She's humble.

When I told my Grandma I was going to write a post about her, she laughed. Then a few minutes later she said, "Please don't write a post about me. Write it about your mom and dad. I'm so proud of them!" Grandmas who love Jesus possess a tremendous degree of humility.

3. She will call you out.

If you don't share her same philosophy about number two, if you are not also gifted with humility and get up to some tomfoolery, expect your Grandma who loves Jesus to call you out. Every other member of your family, your cousins, your uncles, or aunts might look the other way if you act the fool, but Grandma loves you too much for that. I've never seen my Grandma pull out a little Grandmama like Larry Johnson back in the days of his Converse commercials. She's too sweet for that, but I have friends who tell stories of Grandmas who pipe up at Thanksgiving and say what everyone in the room is thinking but are too chicken to actually bring up.

4. You better dress up when you go with her to church.

Again, my Grandma is as laid back and flexible as they come. She's reading blog comments and talking about getting on Twitter after all. But traditionally speaking, if you don't dress up when you go to God's house with a Grandma who loves Jesus, you must be crazy. Don't try to pull out a V-neck with some sort of bedazzled jeans with Grandma. Grandma ain't going out like that on a Sunday.

5. She will blow your mind at Sunday lunch.

For the rest of my life, I will try to recreate the rolls my grandmother made at her house and I will fail. There's just something undeniable about Sunday lunch at Grandma's house that you can't manufacture at your own house try as you might. The tea is sweeter, the gravy is thicker and the rolls, well the rolls, are like tiny bread pillows from heaven.

I hope you have a Grandma who loves Jesus. But if you don't, please know my Grandma loves Jesus and she's also crazy about you.

What's your grandmother like?

Trying not to be late on Easter Sunday.

On any given Sunday, the phrase not the Al Pacino football movie, it's OK to be late to church. To be the guy who waits until the crowd is standing up singing and sidles in or times his walk in to a prayer so everyone has their eyes closed.

But on Easter Sunday, my "gotta get to church on time" internal sensor goes to terror level red. And yesterday my somewhat silent anxiety about arriving on time was even higher than usual because we just moved. Yesterday was the first time we've ever driven to church from our new house. We don't know the roads or the shortcuts or the most efficient routes. We didn't even pre-game the drive or do a dry run the night before.

Although you might not share this same sense of anxiety I have, I promise there are at least 6 things that tend to conspire against us when it comes to getting to church on time on Easter:

1. Fancy clothes.

You don't wear a tie all year, but on Easter Sunday morning you will tie and re-tie and shorten the length and lengthen what's too short over and over again. (I can only tie a tie in two lengths: 1. So long it falls somewhere below the zipper of my pants. 2. So short it looks like some sort of dandy ascot like Austin Powers would wear.) You will try to get your baby into a seersucker suit or button tiny flower shaped buttons on your daughter's dress that refuse to stay buttoned. You will look for a belt or a big hat that you never wear, except for Easter Sunday. Fancy clothes always make you late to church on Easter.

2. Photos

Once in said fancy clothes, it's time to take some photos. This is the only Sunday morning of the year during which you will add a photo shoot to the mix. And your kids won't stay still because they're in fancy/uncomfortable clothes and therefore want to get their squirm on. Or if you don't have kids, you can't run back to the camera next to your husband fast enough for the timer to get you in the photo because you're wearing fancy high heels. So you reshoot over and over. Or if you're single, well I'm not sure this one applies. When I was single I never once set up a tripod just to take some photos of myself on a Sunday morning before I left for church.

3. Church traffic

God bless this one, because it's awesome to see church overflowing with people, but if you allow yourself the same amount of time it takes you to park on a random Sunday in April, you are in for some slowness. In the South, not only do you have to factor in your own church's parking lot, you have to also factor in the 19 other churches you will drive passed on the way to yours.

4. Sunday lunch

My wife made lasagna and banana pudding before church yesterday morning. Let me break that down for you. At 7AM she was browning meet, grating mozzarella and boiling big long noodles for a huge Sunday meal. I can't speak for your house, but that's not part of our normal routine which, as I've mentioned before, is well oiled and precisely timed. Getting Sunday lunch ready before you leave tends to throw a wrench in the whole process.

5. Epic fight

I've talked about this before. The enemy hates a unified front when it comes to Sunday morning. It's easy to find yourself engaged in a completely silly, but completely distracting argument that knocks you off course and off schedule. Topics include "I told you that shirt was too wrinkled to wear but it's too late now to iron it," and "I'm not the one who invited your entire family over for Easter lunch."

6. Shoes for American Girl Dolls

This is where I lose 98% of the people reading this blog. Part of what delayed us yesterday is that my daughters always wear the same dress as their American Girl Dolls do on Easter. Then they bring the doll to church with them. As you can imagine, this introduces all sorts of complications to my life. For one thing, the Emily doll had on black shoes and so did my daughter L.E. which meant that McRae was not going to leave the house unless the Molly doll had on white shoes that matched the ones she was wearing. Four minutes before we left the house I was sorting through doll shoes with McRae, desperate to find a white pair. At one point I found some and McRae said, "No, those are really more of a gray than a white." And even when you find the right pair, putting shoes on American Girl Dolls is a task that requires a ninja like, laser beam of focus and dexterity. That will slow you down.

Hopefully you had smooth sailing yesterday and were able to focus on what Easter is really all about. Hopefully you didn't have a fight or have trouble getting into fancy clothes. Hopefully, you have a better eye for matching tiny doll shoes to tiny doll feet.

How about it though, were you on time yesterday for Easter service?

Easter. (And Man on Fire)

Tomorrow is Easter. Instead of a short Saturday question, I thought it might good to do a fill in the blank today.

So here it is, fill in this blank:

Easter is __________.

I'll go first.

"Easter is a gift."

And as I've written a number of times before, one of the movies that always makes me see that gift is "Man on Fire." (Spoiler alert, I'm going to talk about the end of the movie.)

In Man on Fire, Denzel Washington plays the role of Creasy, an alcoholic black ops military man in Mexico City serving as a bodyguard for a little girl named Pita. Pita is a blonde sprite of a seven-year-old played by the ubiquitous Dakota Fanning. Throughout the first half of the film we watch as Creasy hits rock bottom, only to find a new reason to live in Pita.

But because this is at the core a revenge film, Pita is kidnapped. Creasy is shot multiple times and doctors say without a month of rest, he will die. While Creasy is trapped in bed, Pita is executed by the kidnappers. He is devastated, his world collapsing in memories of Pita laughing and playing. He leaves the hospital and decides to track down the killers.

After cutting a swath of death through Mexico City, Creasy finds the pregnant wife and brother of the villain, simply referred to as "The Voice." The Voice asks him on the phone, "How much do you want?" Creasy responds by saying "Your brother wants to speak to you, hold on" at which point he shoots off all the fingers of the brother's hand with a shotgun.

"I'm going to take your family apart piece by piece. You understand me? Piece by piece. I don't want your money. You understand me? I want you!" It's numbing really, the brother tied up to a pole with a bloody stump of a hand, the pregnant wife wailing. But that's when grace first makes an appearance. The Voice calls back and says "I will give you a life for a life. I will give you her life for your life."

The camera spins on a confused Creasy as he struggles with the idea that Pita is still alive. Suddenly the violence, the rage, the wrath of Creasy sinks out of his face.

In the final scene, Creasy, Pita's mother and the kidnapper's brother drive to an abandoned bridge in the middle of the Mexican countryside. With a bullet ridden body and a weariness that is almost three dimensional, Creasy walks up the bridge. When the kidnappers see him waiting there, they pull a hooded Pita out of the car. They remove her dirty blindfold and with eyes not accustomed to light, she squints toward the bridge.

With the sound of a child witnessing an unlocked gate in hell, she screams "Creasy!" and runs to the bridge. Creasy, unable to run from all the pain, waits. She jumps into his arms, and with hands dotted with blood and scars he cradles her.

Pita runs to the arms of her mother. A red laser scope lands on Creasy's heart, which he covers with a hand that is covered in scars. He throws up his hands and walks slowly to the kidnappers. He stumbles to his knees as they drag him into a car. Pita cries watching Creasy surrender to certain death. Creasy closes his eyes in the car and dies.

I missed it the first ten times I saw the movie. Missed that I'm Pita. I've lived most of my life under the stairs in a dark, dirty cage. But unlike Pita, this is the place I deserve. For although she did not ask to be kidnapped or receive this experience as a consequence of her actions, I did. If this were the story of my life, justice would have already been served. The prisoner's life is the life I deserve. But God doesn't see it that way. In Isaiah 30:18 it says "he rises to show you compassion."

The new life that Creasy finds when he meets Pita is but a glimpse at how God delights in us. And it is this love, this affection that drives Him to rescue us. But is He violent? Is there anything He wouldn't do to rescue me and rescue you? I don't think so. To the violence question we need only look to verses like Numbers 24:8 in which the Israelites, God's people, are said to "devour hostile nations and break their bones in pieces." That was describing work and battles that the Lord had blessed.

Is that any less graphic than anything that happens in "Man on Fire?" God's love has no limits. If violence is what it would take to rescue me, I have little doubt that He would be violent. That He would remove an entire planet in a flood to save the righteous family of Noah. And even though He is blessed with the ability to open the core of the earth with His fury, but it is love and ultimate surrender that shows us the true depth of His heart. In the movie, Creasy could have easily continued killing the kidnapper's family. The brother could have been tortured, the pregnant wife and unborn child of the kidnapper murdered. But it wasn't about revenge, it was about rescue. And when Pita was discovered to be alive, he stopped everything. He surrendered and walked willingly into a certain death.

In his last moments, before the cross, the undeniable power of Christ is revealed one more time as he heals one of the Roman guard's ears. And yet he does not use his immense power. He surrenders to his captors. That's how I felt about the last scene in Man on Fire. Creasy had just blown off all the fingers of the brother. He had the pregnant wife and a shotgun and a mouth full of loud, angry words. But the second he knew Pita was alive, he surrendered.

I've written about it before because the scene really shook me. It made me realize, this reminds me of the Christ I serve. Powerful, fearful, able to heal the sick and blind, capable of walking on water. But willing to give it all up upon realizing I am found. Willing to pay the ransom with his own life. Willing to free me from a prison of my own design. And whether he's crucified on a cross or forced to walk across a bridge in Mexico, he's willing to do it all over again for me. And for you.

Is the comparison perfect? No. As one commenter pointed out, Creasy was a flawed, broken man from the beginning and Christ was the son of God, perfect in every sense. To try to capture the sacrifice of Christ on Easter, to try to capture the love of God on Easter, to try to capture the hope of that day with a movie or a blog post is impossible. Trying to capture the love of God on a piece of paper or in a film is like trying to capturing the might and fury of a hurricane with a crayon.

Easter is a gift.

That's what Easter is to me.

How about you?

Easter is __________.

Easter.

Tomorrow is Easter. Instead of a short Saturday question, I thought it might good to do a fill in the blank today.

So here it is, fill in this blank:

Easter is __________.

I'll go first.

"Easter is a gift."

How about you?

Easter is __________.

Ranking the Seven Deadly Sins

(A few weeks ago, John Crist wrote a really good guest post calling out the lies guys sometimes tell about lust and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It ignited a bajillion comment conversation. I got to grab coffee with him a few days after it came out and it was awesome to hear his story and learn more about his faith. He's a professional comedian, he's hilarious and he's a master at finding ways to be funny without ever mocking. I'm a huge fan of John Crist. Here's his new guest post. Enjoy!)

Ranking the Seven Deadly Sins – By John Crist

My girlfriend broke up with me three months ago. Since then, I've realized something profound about love.

If you love someone, let them go, if they come back…it's only to pick up their dvds.

Truer words have never been spoken my friends.

Since the breakup, I've eaten out 21 meals per week. I'm at the point in life where a judge the value of fast food based on how heavy the bag is. Taco Bell's five-pound box is awesome, and it only costs five bucks!

I figure, "I've been hurt, I deserve to feel good. Plus, there's probably worse things I could be doing to deal with the pain." Sounds like flawed thinking right? Think again.

I told my accountability group that I was legitimately struggling with food and it had become a means to deal with the pain and you know what happened?…nothing. Seriously, no one cared. The same guys the have raked me over coals for years about lust said nothing, which got me thinking…

Wait, have gluttons been getting a free pass this whole time?!

Three months ago I thought the gluttony free pass was awesome. Now I wear jeans with an elastic waistband (and a braided belt (unrelated))…and I blame my accountability group.

Apparently there's a rank order to the Seven Deadly Sins that I didn't know about. Based on responses I've gotten in my accountability group over the years, I'd like to present to you:

The Unofficial Guys Accountability Group Seven Deadly Sins Rank Order.

1. LUST: By far the most important and most deadly. If you get caught with this one you could lose your family, your job (unless you're the president), your marriage and your influence. For me, I tried to justify my lustful tendencies by mixing and matching the five love languages. My first love language, physical gifts. My second, quality touch.

2. GREED: A distant second. Mostly because apparently only young (poor) guys need accountability. Once you hit 30, and hopefully start making serious money, you graduate from the accountability stage of Christianity. Can't wait. Me? I've got a stack of Lincolns burning a hole in my pocket right now. And by stack, I mean roll.

3. ANGER: I get really ticked off when people suggest I have an anger problem. *#%$ and ^@!, I'm taking my Bible and I'm going home!!

4. SLOTH: Sloth came in fourth, wanted to be first but missed his alarm clock and slept in. Sloth is pretty easy to spot. If anyone in your group ever says they're a freelance photographer or a real estate agent, that's code for unemployed. And did you know video games are more popular than ever with men in their 30s? Their favorite game? Call of Duty: Black Ops, followed by Call of Duty: Command and Conquer. The new version that no one's been able to beat? Call of Duty…To Your Family.

5. ENVY: The only thing I know about envy is that, in college, I may or may not have gone to local hotspot called Club Envy. The soap dispensers in the bathroom looked awesome. They may or may not now be in my bathroom…but I don't struggle with Envy.

6. PRIDE: Comes in sixth. Struggles-with-pride guy always checks in last and says something like, "I'm just happy that I don't struggle with lust, greed, anger, sloth or envy anymore. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I sinned." Amen Pride Guy, always do love hearing from you.

7. GLUTTONY: A distant dead last. No one cares about this one. When someone says they struggle with lust, we say, "You're a FREAK man! Join a 12-step group, throw away your tv, computer and cell phone and don't come back to group until you get your life in order!" If someone in my group ever said they struggled with gluttony I'd say, "you want to go to lunch and talk about it?"

How would you rank order the Seven Deadly Sins?

And I'm in a guys only group, is the order different for women?

(John Crist loves Jesus and is a standup comic from Denver, Colorado. See his standup and church sketches at youtube.com/user/johnbcrist)