Jon Acuff's Blog, page 144

Trying not to be late on Easter Sunday.

On any given Sunday, the phrase not the Al Pacino football movie, it's OK to be late to church. To be the guy who waits until the crowd is standing up singing and sidles in or times his walk in to a prayer so everyone has their eyes closed.

But on Easter Sunday, my "gotta get to church on time" internal sensor goes to terror level red. And yesterday my somewhat silent anxiety about arriving on time was even higher than usual because we just moved. Yesterday was the first time we've ever driven to church from our new house. We don't know the roads or the shortcuts or the most efficient routes. We didn't even pre-game the drive or do a dry run the night before.

Although you might not share this same sense of anxiety I have, I promise there are at least 6 things that tend to conspire against us when it comes to getting to church on time on Easter:

1. Fancy clothes.

You don't wear a tie all year, but on Easter Sunday morning you will tie and re-tie and shorten the length and lengthen what's too short over and over again. (I can only tie a tie in two lengths: 1. So long it falls somewhere below the zipper of my pants. 2. So short it looks like some sort of dandy ascot like Austin Powers would wear.) You will try to get your baby into a seersucker suit or button tiny flower shaped buttons on your daughter's dress that refuse to stay buttoned. You will look for a belt or a big hat that you never wear, except for Easter Sunday. Fancy clothes always make you late to church on Easter.

2. Photos

Once in said fancy clothes, it's time to take some photos. This is the only Sunday morning of the year during which you will add a photo shoot to the mix. And your kids won't stay still because they're in fancy/uncomfortable clothes and therefore want to get their squirm on. Or if you don't have kids, you can't run back to the camera next to your husband fast enough for the timer to get you in the photo because you're wearing fancy high heels. So you reshoot over and over. Or if you're single, well I'm not sure this one applies. When I was single I never once set up a tripod just to take some photos of myself on a Sunday morning before I left for church.

3. Church traffic

God bless this one, because it's awesome to see church overflowing with people, but if you allow yourself the same amount of time it takes you to park on a random Sunday in April, you are in for some slowness. In the South, not only do you have to factor in your own church's parking lot, you have to also factor in the 19 other churches you will drive passed on the way to yours.

4. Sunday lunch

My wife made lasagna and banana pudding before church yesterday morning. Let me break that down for you. At 7AM she was browning meet, grating mozzarella and boiling big long noodles for a huge Sunday meal. I can't speak for your house, but that's not part of our normal routine which, as I've mentioned before, is well oiled and precisely timed. Getting Sunday lunch ready before you leave tends to throw a wrench in the whole process.

5. Epic fight

I've talked about this before. The enemy hates a unified front when it comes to Sunday morning. It's easy to find yourself engaged in a completely silly, but completely distracting argument that knocks you off course and off schedule. Topics include "I told you that shirt was too wrinkled to wear but it's too late now to iron it," and "I'm not the one who invited your entire family over for Easter lunch."

6. Shoes for American Girl Dolls

This is where I lose 98% of the people reading this blog. Part of what delayed us yesterday is that my daughters always wear the same dress as their American Girl Dolls do on Easter. Then they bring the doll to church with them. As you can imagine, this introduces all sorts of complications to my life. For one thing, the Emily doll had on black shoes and so did my daughter L.E. which meant that McRae was not going to leave the house unless the Molly doll had on white shoes that matched the ones she was wearing. Four minutes before we left the house I was sorting through doll shoes with McRae, desperate to find a white pair. At one point I found some and McRae said, "No, those are really more of a gray than a white." And even when you find the right pair, putting shoes on American Girl Dolls is a task that requires a ninja like, laser beam of focus and dexterity. That will slow you down.

Hopefully you had smooth sailing yesterday and were able to focus on what Easter is really all about. Hopefully you didn't have a fight or have trouble getting into fancy clothes. Hopefully, you have a better eye for matching tiny doll shoes to tiny doll feet.

How about it though, were you on time yesterday for Easter service?

Easter. (And Man on Fire)

Tomorrow is Easter. Instead of a short Saturday question, I thought it might good to do a fill in the blank today.

So here it is, fill in this blank:

Easter is __________.

I'll go first.

"Easter is a gift."

And as I've written a number of times before, one of the movies that always makes me see that gift is "Man on Fire." (Spoiler alert, I'm going to talk about the end of the movie.)

In Man on Fire, Denzel Washington plays the role of Creasy, an alcoholic black ops military man in Mexico City serving as a bodyguard for a little girl named Pita. Pita is a blonde sprite of a seven-year-old played by the ubiquitous Dakota Fanning. Throughout the first half of the film we watch as Creasy hits rock bottom, only to find a new reason to live in Pita.

But because this is at the core a revenge film, Pita is kidnapped. Creasy is shot multiple times and doctors say without a month of rest, he will die. While Creasy is trapped in bed, Pita is executed by the kidnappers. He is devastated, his world collapsing in memories of Pita laughing and playing. He leaves the hospital and decides to track down the killers.

After cutting a swath of death through Mexico City, Creasy finds the pregnant wife and brother of the villain, simply referred to as "The Voice." The Voice asks him on the phone, "How much do you want?" Creasy responds by saying "Your brother wants to speak to you, hold on" at which point he shoots off all the fingers of the brother's hand with a shotgun.

"I'm going to take your family apart piece by piece. You understand me? Piece by piece. I don't want your money. You understand me? I want you!" It's numbing really, the brother tied up to a pole with a bloody stump of a hand, the pregnant wife wailing. But that's when grace first makes an appearance. The Voice calls back and says "I will give you a life for a life. I will give you her life for your life."

The camera spins on a confused Creasy as he struggles with the idea that Pita is still alive. Suddenly the violence, the rage, the wrath of Creasy sinks out of his face.

In the final scene, Creasy, Pita's mother and the kidnapper's brother drive to an abandoned bridge in the middle of the Mexican countryside. With a bullet ridden body and a weariness that is almost three dimensional, Creasy walks up the bridge. When the kidnappers see him waiting there, they pull a hooded Pita out of the car. They remove her dirty blindfold and with eyes not accustomed to light, she squints toward the bridge.

With the sound of a child witnessing an unlocked gate in hell, she screams "Creasy!" and runs to the bridge. Creasy, unable to run from all the pain, waits. She jumps into his arms, and with hands dotted with blood and scars he cradles her.

Pita runs to the arms of her mother. A red laser scope lands on Creasy's heart, which he covers with a hand that is covered in scars. He throws up his hands and walks slowly to the kidnappers. He stumbles to his knees as they drag him into a car. Pita cries watching Creasy surrender to certain death. Creasy closes his eyes in the car and dies.

I missed it the first ten times I saw the movie. Missed that I'm Pita. I've lived most of my life under the stairs in a dark, dirty cage. But unlike Pita, this is the place I deserve. For although she did not ask to be kidnapped or receive this experience as a consequence of her actions, I did. If this were the story of my life, justice would have already been served. The prisoner's life is the life I deserve. But God doesn't see it that way. In Isaiah 30:18 it says "he rises to show you compassion."

The new life that Creasy finds when he meets Pita is but a glimpse at how God delights in us. And it is this love, this affection that drives Him to rescue us. But is He violent? Is there anything He wouldn't do to rescue me and rescue you? I don't think so. To the violence question we need only look to verses like Numbers 24:8 in which the Israelites, God's people, are said to "devour hostile nations and break their bones in pieces." That was describing work and battles that the Lord had blessed.

Is that any less graphic than anything that happens in "Man on Fire?" God's love has no limits. If violence is what it would take to rescue me, I have little doubt that He would be violent. That He would remove an entire planet in a flood to save the righteous family of Noah. And even though He is blessed with the ability to open the core of the earth with His fury, but it is love and ultimate surrender that shows us the true depth of His heart. In the movie, Creasy could have easily continued killing the kidnapper's family. The brother could have been tortured, the pregnant wife and unborn child of the kidnapper murdered. But it wasn't about revenge, it was about rescue. And when Pita was discovered to be alive, he stopped everything. He surrendered and walked willingly into a certain death.

In his last moments, before the cross, the undeniable power of Christ is revealed one more time as he heals one of the Roman guard's ears. And yet he does not use his immense power. He surrenders to his captors. That's how I felt about the last scene in Man on Fire. Creasy had just blown off all the fingers of the brother. He had the pregnant wife and a shotgun and a mouth full of loud, angry words. But the second he knew Pita was alive, he surrendered.

I've written about it before because the scene really shook me. It made me realize, this reminds me of the Christ I serve. Powerful, fearful, able to heal the sick and blind, capable of walking on water. But willing to give it all up upon realizing I am found. Willing to pay the ransom with his own life. Willing to free me from a prison of my own design. And whether he's crucified on a cross or forced to walk across a bridge in Mexico, he's willing to do it all over again for me. And for you.

Is the comparison perfect? No. As one commenter pointed out, Creasy was a flawed, broken man from the beginning and Christ was the son of God, perfect in every sense. To try to capture the sacrifice of Christ on Easter, to try to capture the love of God on Easter, to try to capture the hope of that day with a movie or a blog post is impossible. Trying to capture the love of God on a piece of paper or in a film is like trying to capturing the might and fury of a hurricane with a crayon.

Easter is a gift.

That's what Easter is to me.

How about you?

Easter is __________.

Easter.

Tomorrow is Easter. Instead of a short Saturday question, I thought it might good to do a fill in the blank today.

So here it is, fill in this blank:

Easter is __________.

I'll go first.

"Easter is a gift."

How about you?

Easter is __________.

Ranking the Seven Deadly Sins

(A few weeks ago, John Crist wrote a really good guest post calling out the lies guys sometimes tell about lust and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It ignited a bajillion comment conversation. I got to grab coffee with him a few days after it came out and it was awesome to hear his story and learn more about his faith. He's a professional comedian, he's hilarious and he's a master at finding ways to be funny without ever mocking. I'm a huge fan of John Crist. Here's his new guest post. Enjoy!)

Ranking the Seven Deadly Sins – By John Crist

My girlfriend broke up with me three months ago. Since then, I've realized something profound about love.

If you love someone, let them go, if they come back…it's only to pick up their dvds.

Truer words have never been spoken my friends.

Since the breakup, I've eaten out 21 meals per week. I'm at the point in life where a judge the value of fast food based on how heavy the bag is. Taco Bell's five-pound box is awesome, and it only costs five bucks!

I figure, "I've been hurt, I deserve to feel good. Plus, there's probably worse things I could be doing to deal with the pain." Sounds like flawed thinking right? Think again.

I told my accountability group that I was legitimately struggling with food and it had become a means to deal with the pain and you know what happened?…nothing. Seriously, no one cared. The same guys the have raked me over coals for years about lust said nothing, which got me thinking…

Wait, have gluttons been getting a free pass this whole time?!

Three months ago I thought the gluttony free pass was awesome. Now I wear jeans with an elastic waistband (and a braided belt (unrelated))…and I blame my accountability group.

Apparently there's a rank order to the Seven Deadly Sins that I didn't know about. Based on responses I've gotten in my accountability group over the years, I'd like to present to you:

The Unofficial Guys Accountability Group Seven Deadly Sins Rank Order.

1. LUST: By far the most important and most deadly. If you get caught with this one you could lose your family, your job (unless you're the president), your marriage and your influence. For me, I tried to justify my lustful tendencies by mixing and matching the five love languages. My first love language, physical gifts. My second, quality touch.

2. GREED: A distant second. Mostly because apparently only young (poor) guys need accountability. Once you hit 30, and hopefully start making serious money, you graduate from the accountability stage of Christianity. Can't wait. Me? I've got a stack of Lincolns burning a hole in my pocket right now. And by stack, I mean roll.

3. ANGER: I get really ticked off when people suggest I have an anger problem. *#%$ and ^@!, I'm taking my Bible and I'm going home!!

4. SLOTH: Sloth came in fourth, wanted to be first but missed his alarm clock and slept in. Sloth is pretty easy to spot. If anyone in your group ever says they're a freelance photographer or a real estate agent, that's code for unemployed. And did you know video games are more popular than ever with men in their 30s? Their favorite game? Call of Duty: Black Ops, followed by Call of Duty: Command and Conquer. The new version that no one's been able to beat? Call of Duty…To Your Family.

5. ENVY: The only thing I know about envy is that, in college, I may or may not have gone to local hotspot called Club Envy. The soap dispensers in the bathroom looked awesome. They may or may not now be in my bathroom…but I don't struggle with Envy.

6. PRIDE: Comes in sixth. Struggles-with-pride guy always checks in last and says something like, "I'm just happy that I don't struggle with lust, greed, anger, sloth or envy anymore. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I sinned." Amen Pride Guy, always do love hearing from you.

7. GLUTTONY: A distant dead last. No one cares about this one. When someone says they struggle with lust, we say, "You're a FREAK man! Join a 12-step group, throw away your tv, computer and cell phone and don't come back to group until you get your life in order!" If someone in my group ever said they struggled with gluttony I'd say, "you want to go to lunch and talk about it?"

How would you rank order the Seven Deadly Sins?

And I'm in a guys only group, is the order different for women?

(John Crist loves Jesus and is a standup comic from Denver, Colorado. See his standup and church sketches at youtube.com/user/johnbcrist)

Lists.

Is this meta of me? Or perhaps postmodern? Are we breaking the fourth wall by commemorating a thousand point list with a list? It feels so Inception, a dream within a dream within a site about the satirical things we do within faith.

But it also felt right because if there's one thing I've learned from the last 999 posts on Stuff Christians Like it's that we Christians like lists. I think this stems from the 10 commandments and the fruits of the spirit or perhaps the list of the armor of God we're supposed to put on. Regardless of the origin of our fascination with lists, walking through the first 1,000 posts and the last 3 years with a list seemed like the perfect thing to do. (My first thought was a long, melodramatic thank you post titled "#1,000: Stuff Christians Like, the readers of Stuff Christians Like." But when I showed it to my wife, she said, "Ugh, that is so mopey. That would be like two Serious Wednesdays in a row.")

So instead of just writing a thank you for the many generous, awesome things you, the readers have done in the last three years for this blog, I decided to create a massive, rambletastic list.

Here is a recap of 1,000 posts of randomness on Stuff Christians Like:

1. March 21, 2008: Date of first Stuff Christians Like Post

2. 28: Number of people who read SCL on day 1

3. 17: Number of people who weren't directly related to me

4. "No offense to anyone reading this, but if I weren't an atheist, I'd strive to be this kind of Christian." Comment that made me think SCL could be a ministry, not just a snarky blog.

5. Skittles: Candy I threw out in the crowd at my first speaking engagement.

6. Cadbury Crème Eggs: Candy I couldn't throw out because I'm too selfish and it would leave bruises.

7. 0: Number of theologians in the annals of Christianity who started their careers by pelting audiences with candies.

8. SCL/Stacy From Louisville Cooperative For the Preservation of the Integrity of the Bible College Love Super Quiz 2008: First guest post on SCL

9. 1: Number of AutoTune videos I've made

10. Booty, God, Booty: Story I tell to see if a crowd is going to go along with me

11. 1: Number of times the crowd didn't

12. 1,000: Percent of sweat increase when that happened

13. Frisbee: God's favorite sport

14. Cornelius: Name of the dove from the Southern Baptist Convention that I claim delivers me ideas

15. Tattoos and Bulletin Doodles: 2 contests we held on SCL

16. Bulletin Doodle Tattoos: Contest I wish we held with people getting tattoos made of their bulletin doodles.

17. "Great Sex! Flat Abs! And Jesus!": My favorite quiz we ever had on SCL.

18. Breakdancing: Skill I pretend to have but do not really possess

19. Mime: Skill I really possess but pretend not to have

20. Pop n' Lock n' Love: Breakdance ministry I'd start

21. Gloves of Love: Mime career I will fall back on if writing doesn't work out.

22. "In the bathroom." : Place people apologize to me about keeping the SCL book.

23. "Hooray, it's in your house!" : My response.

24. "Sending bad breath to hell." : Motto I created for the folks who make Testamints.

25. Jesus Juke: Only phrase that went viral from this site.

26. 150: Anticipated number of people at my first meet and greet

27. 2: Actual number of people at my first meet and greet

28. 22: pounds of Skittles I brought for said meet and greet

29. Middle finger of grammar: When you lowercase satan on purpose

30. "this is not a threat by any means, i have no intentions on harming you or sending someone to harm you. Just dont do another rap video, cause you are about as gangsta as pocket watch.": Least reassuring assurance and truest statement about my level of gangsta

31. Coldplay: Band we inducted into the "Sounds almost like a Christian Band Hall of Fame" in 2008

32. Mumford & Sons: Band we should induct in 2011

33. 82: Number of people who will mention the song "Little Lion Man" upon reading point #30.

34. The Promise Grill: Way I tried to update the Purity or Promise Ring

35. John Saddington: Brilliant designer who transformed SCL from a blogspot site into a wordpress site

36. Elf on the Shelf: Victim of a vicious scuffle with the shepherds in the manger

37. "Thanks for sharing our sex life on the home page of CNN.com": What my wife said when CNN unexpectedly picked up a post from SCL about sex.

38. 1 millon: Number of typos I've made on SCL

39. 2: Number of Kindergartens readers of SCL built in Vietnam

40. 18: Hours it took to raise $30,000 to build the first one

41. Zakkhaeus Barnabus Fouteknote: Name of the Metrosexual Worship Leader Mascot that spurred us on to finish the Vietnam project

42. Throw up: What I still want to do when the servers at SCL crash and the site goes down

43. Silver Medal Friend: The friend who you like enough to have them read a Bible verse in your wedding, but not enough to have them in the wedding party

44. "Love is patient." : The section of verses they're going to read.

45. The butt is not a billboard: My first thought when Kmart put the phrase "True Love Waits" on the rear end of sweatpants.

46. "For Hymn:" Cologne I hope to one day make that smells like old hymnals

47. Bryan Allain & Curtis Honeycutt: Great writers who have written the most guest posts on SCL

48. Prayjevu: When you can't remember if you already prayed at a restaurant before the appetizers so you pray again.

49. "If you buy this book, God will make you rich." : Very first line in the SCL book.

50. "In love." : What I always tell people when they ask where their shower of loot is.

51. Tim Tebow: Christian athlete you have to support according to Christian law.

52. Mumford & Sons: Band I'm almost positive Tim Tebow is leading right now.

53. 3: Number of Mumford & Sons references in one list, indicating amount of them I am listening to right now.

54. The Power Team: Christian weightlifting group I refuse to make fun of less they break me like a small, brittle stick.

55. Metrosexual Worship Leader: Post that was a tipping point for SCL

56. Skinny jeans and V-necks: Metrosexual Worship Leader accouterments I've adopted since moving to Nashville

57. Accouterments: Word I often use to appear smarter than I really am

58. 42: Approximate times I've become obsessed with monitoring the Google Analytics for SCL over the last 3 years.

59. Serious Wednesday: The hardest posts to write, but also my favorite.

60. More than 3,000: Lives readers helped save with the SCL10K mosquito nets project

61. The side hug: The only post I ever had to ad a disclaimer to.

62. 3: Number of books the readers of SCL helped me write and publish in the last 13 months

63. "It feels like tithing." : Best reason I've ever heard someone give for way they like eating at Chick-fil-A

64. "I attend church at night." : Shirt I want to invent for Sunday morning joggers who are getting judged.

65. "I direct deposit my tithe." : Shirt I want to invent for people who look like they're stiffing the offering basket at church.

66. 2: Number of guest posts my wife Jenny has written.

67. Second favorite: Where SCL falls on my wife's list of favorite blogs

68. The Pioneer Woman: My wife's favorite blog

69. Vuvuzelas: An instrument I am terrified will find its way into church

70. Man on Fire: Movie I keep coming back to in a number of posts.

71. Crock Pots: An SCL favorite and a promotional item Zondervan almost did for the book launch

72. The band sounds awful

Quick! fix it sound guy. I can't-

talent switch is broke

(The best Sound Guy Haiku)

73. 40: Number of items on the "Surviving Church as a Single" post

74. Daniel Tosh and Katy Perry: My favorite unexpected pastor's kids.

75. Worship eagles: Official bird of Stuff Christians Like

76. Badger in a bag: Official VBS game of Stuff Christians Like, rivaling "Red Rover" in safety points

77. 7: The number that if you put next to 77 looks like "777" and feels like the holiest place to end a list about the 1,000th Stuff Christians Like

Live Video Chat Next Wednesday!

Next week I'll be doing a live video chat. Let's talk Quitter, Stuff Christians Like and the pros and cons of breakdancing vs. miming. Or anything really, it's up to you.

Here are the details:

Wednesday, April 27 at 7PM Central

www.justin.tv/jonacuff

1 thing you need to know before May 10.

I learned 2 things about the audio version of my new book Quitter last week:

1. I can't say the word "escape." Apparently, I say it "excape." Who knew?

2. We're recording the whole audio book again.

Why are we doing number 2? Because the first time it wasn't awesome enough. We hadn't added enough bonus content, we didn't enhance it with enough extra stories or behind the scenes stuff. So this week, I'm back in the studio adding new stuff that won't be in the book. I'm putting in material like the single sentence that saved me at a job I hated and completely changed my attitude. I'm answering questions people who have already read the manuscript asked like "How did your wife not kill you when you had 8 jobs in 8 years?" And the best part?

It's FREE right now.

If you pre-order Quitter from DaveRamsey.com before it comes out on May 10, you get the audio book download for free. So right now, you get both the hardcover Quitter and the audio book for $12.99. (Today, the book alone is $12.25 on Amazon. DaveRamsey.com is the only place you can get the free audio book when you order the book.)

Tomorrow, I'll spend a few hours recording Quitter with the sound guy who worked on Garth Brooks song "Thunder Rolls." While I have begged him for more thunder in the audio book, I can't promise I'll be able to convince him. What I can promise is that the audio book will be awesome and right now it's FREE when you order Quitter on DaveRamsey.com.

Click here to order.

Joe Rogan's story.

Don't tell my kids, but I'm afraid of spiders. Not in a "get on a chair if I see one" kind of way, but more in an "I assume every spider I see is a brown recluse" kind of way. They're hairy, equipped with more eyes than any single animal should possess and are also into "sport biting." Unlike the cockroach, another much maligned insect, a spider will bite you while you're sleeping. You're not threatening it, or talking smack or approaching with a rolled up magazine. You're sleeping. And then the spider bites you. Why? For the love of the game.

That's one of the reasons I had a hard time watching the show "Fear Factor." They were constantly making people lay in coffins full of spiders. The other reason I didn't watch that show was Joe Rogan. He always struck me as an aggressive bully. He seemed angry for no reason and fired up beyond measure. He's jacked, often the most intense person at Ultimate Fighting Championship events (which is a difficult feat to accomplish) and got into a public verbal sparring match with comedian Carlos Mencia.

I might like to think I see people the way Christ does, but the truth is, all too often, I don't. I pegged Joe Rogan. I judged him. I put him in a bully box and moved on.

But then something weird happened.

I heard his story.

In an interview, Joe Rogan shared how when he was four and five years old, he witnessed his father brutally beat his mother. Though they would later escape, watching that broke Joe in a way no kid should ever experience. In the conversation with the host, Joe mused about how his fascination with karate and bodybuilding is might be connected deeply to his desire to protect himself from physical violence. That maybe if he was strong and knew how to fight nobody could hurt him.

Do you think what I thought about Joe Rogan was different after I heard his story? Of course it was. And that's because stories often cripple our ability to judge someone.

When you hear someone's story, they are no longer just an idea or an object, they become a human. They become a five year old who had terrifying things thrust on them or a 12 year old who never learned what it feels like to be safe or a single mom who is trying to balance three kids, a job and a million other responsibilities. Stories make 2D people 3D. And in the process, they make it nearly impossible for you to judge someone.

That's one of the things I love about what folks like Donald Miller and Ben Arment are doing with storytelling. And it's one of the things I find really interesting about Christ. He always knew everyone's story. While others saw a woman at the well, Christ saw a wife who had remarried and remarried and remarried as if maybe next time, the next husband would be the one to fix her. He didn't just see someone drawing water at a well. He saw an individual with a story.

And often when confronted with a question, that's how he answered, with a story. He didn't just talk in sentences, he talked in stories a lot too. He talked in prodigal sons and fathers who run when dirty kids walk and unexpected parties with older brothers who are bewildered by the concept of grace.

I don't know if you ever struggle with being judgmental, but I do. I often reduce people to the mistakes they've made in life. I see them as the sum of bad decisions or think I'm better than people or a million other things that mean, "I become the older brother."

What if instead of jumping to conclusions about people, I walked into stories about people?

What if I could create space for someone to tell their story to me instead of listening to the story I tend to make up in my head about them?

What if instead of judging, I looked for stories?

Would that change things?

I think it would. Loving people that way, listening to people that way, looking for stories that way would change the way I lived. And it might just create the kind of story in my own life I'd like my kids to tell their kids when they grow up.

The top 10 SCL posts of all time.

Doesn't "of all time" sound dramatic?

I like it because "all time" makes it sound like this blog has been around for 30 years, not just 3. But it's not as silly dramatic as movie commercials for films that come out in February and say, "The best comedy of the year." I digress.

On Thursday, I'll post the 1,000th Stuff Christians Like post.

Today, I want to share the top 10 posts of the first 1,000.

Thank you so much for helping me pick them out. If you're a new reader, these are the best 0.01% of all the posts. If you've been reading for a while, hopefully there are some on this list you'd like to see again or missed the first time.

Please know that without you reading and commenting and encouraging, this site would have died in April of 2008, the second month it existed. Without further ado, here they are:

10. The pray "if you feel led" prayer. (#159)

9. Deep V-Neck Syndrome (DVS) (#644)

8. Remix #53 – Saying "I'll pray for you" and then not.

7. Understanding how metrosexual your worship leader is. (A handy guide.) (#269)

6. Booty, God, Booty. (#113)

5. Refusing the gift of the desert road. (#507)

4. The soft X. (#907)

3. Running into famous Christians. (AKA, the "Michael W. Smith Incident.") (#985)

2. Thinking You're Naked (#512)

1. The Jesus Juke (#898)

Getting called out in church.

It's spring in Nashville. Or as I like to call it, the annual "Jon Acuff Sneeze-a-thon." It's similar to the Toyotathon except it involves way more tissues, red eyes and pollen induced fits of melancholy. It's the time of year when I constantly have to begin conversations with people by saying, "I'm not crying right now, I just have allergies."

Not one to go out without a fight, I've declared war on pollen. I'm popping Claritin D or the Walgreens version, "Wal-i-trin" like small delicious candies. I'm eating local honey. And I'm blowing my nose like it was my JOB. That last one might not sound like progress, but you'd be surprised.

In the past, I used to forget Kleenex. Not wanting to use my sleeves, a technique my children assure me is not frowned upon in the right circles, I would just sniffle. That is a gross, annoying thing to do, and people don't seem to care for that. At least that's what one lady told me at church.

She didn't use words, she didn't say anything actually. She just handed me a tissue in the middle of the service. I hadn't asked for one. I had not made that request. Out of the blue (or perhaps in the middle of a sea of my sniffling) she thrust a tissue into my hand as if to say, "ENOUGH, that is ENOUGH. I am trying to worship and your constant sneezing and snorting and sniffling are ruining church right now. Blow your stupid nose already."

Though my wife applauded this stranger, I thought that was one of the worst ways you can get called out in church. I figured that although someone might tell you to be quiet or poke you to wake up if you are slumbering, the "blow your nose" call out is a pretty amazing thing to call someone out on. I thought I might hold a record for weirdest call out ever.

I was wrong.

Four weeks ago, in the middle of church, my wife and I witnessed an even stranger call out. Right in the middle of the sermon, I heard an incredibly loud crinkling sound. This was no dainty mint being unwrapped, no Dentyne light your mouth on fire gum being freed from its aluminum prison. This was loud. Then a parade of sounds exploded as if the person behind me was trying to free themselves from a pair of plastic handcuffs. Believing that perhaps a raccoon had stumbled into the service, I decided not to turn my head lest I make eye contact with the beast and be forced to wrestle it to the ground. My wife however, did turn around. What did she see?

A husband opening up a box of Girl Scout Cookies during the sermon.

He must have seen the Girl Scout in the lobby. She must have given him the boxes of cookies in a plastic grocery store bag. He then must have assumed that he could be so stealth as to open the grocery bag, which is noisy, break into the box, slide the cookie sleeve out, retrieve a few treats, and return the package to under his seat in the middle of a pew in the middle of a sermon with no one being the wiser.

Unfortunately, he received a look from his wife, that probably translated to "Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me right now? Are you really opening a package of Girl Scout Cookies in the middle of church?" He turned, looked at her and said, "Too loud?"

Oh but to have spent a minute in his head, as he decided that was a good decision. To have listened to the thought process: "The worship was great today. Bunch of those guys had skinny jeans on. I could probably wear a V-neck but I don't think my legs are thin enough to wear those jeans. Thin, hmm, I could really go for a thin mint right now."

But alas, I didn't get a good look at him and can't confirm which type of cookies he was trying to eat. If it was the trefoils he should have just chewed on the outside of the box. Those are a bland experience that must always ride shotgun with a coffee if they want to approach deliciousness. If it was a box of samoas, I can't really fault him. Those are fantastic and might even be worth getting called out in the middle of church.

Have you ever been called out in church? By a parent? By a spouse?

Or perhaps, a better question, did you ever try to sneak food into church?