Jon Acuff's Blog, page 140

Referencing the plague of locusts whenever two or more bugs are gathered in the same place.

Two weeks ago, I flew to Dallas. When I left Nashville, our neighborhood was quiet. It was so peaceful that you could hear a bird sneeze. (Which is adorable by the way.) But when I returned a mere 48 hours later, something was different. Even with all the windows in my car rolled up, lest I inhale more pollen, I could hear a buzzing. Like tiny chainsaws grinding away at phonebooks that keep inexplicably getting delivered to my house, there was a loud noise that permeated our entire neighborhood.

What was it?

The return of the cicadas.

Gone for the last 13 years, this collection of bugs has returned to Nashville in greater numbers than even the amount of banjos that are swarming the city right now thanks in part to Mumford & Sons.

They're black, crunchy like old Sun Chip bags and constantly under foot. There are thousands in my backyard, my driveway, and the side of my house. As I type this, one is literally clinging to the windshield wiper as we drive to Atlanta like DeNiro in the movie Cape Fear. The persistence this bug has shown in holding on to that wiper blade in the middle of a torrential rain at 70MPH is both inspiring and terrifying.

Growing up in Massachusetts, I was unfamiliar with the "return of the cicadas," but people in Nashville talked about their arrival like DC Talk was finally getting back together. "Oh yeah, they should be here this week. Remember last time? Definitely going to be here Thursday." They only hatch every 13 years, but we knew down to the day when they would come back. (I know, I know, don't call it a comeback, they've been here for years.)

And as we prepared for their return, more than one friend said to me, "Do you think this is like the plague of locusts in the Old Testament?" In response, my first answer is always, "Well, the locusts ate a lot of crops, so it really depends on if you're talking about the larval stage or the juvenile stage of the cicada. A juvenile cicada won't eat solid foods but instead consists on a steady diet of fluid from a living deciduous tree." My second answer is, well I don't usually get to tell them a second answer because they've already walked away in boredom at that point.

But I realized that whenever I see two or more bugs gathered in the same place, I think, "Old Testament swarm!" And it's not just bugs that I find myself doing that with. The other day, my five year old McRae came home with a string of frog eggs stuck to her shorts. (Don't ask, it was a "dad adventure" and those usually end with the kids pretty filthy.)

When my wife said, "Hey, quick question. Is McRae covered in frog eggs right now?" I thought, "Old Testament swarm!"

There is a chance I'm the only one who has done this and I pray that I'll never have cause to say, "Wow, this is as many boils as in the plague of boils."

But maybe I'm not alone. Have you ever seen a large collection of bugs and thought, "This is so OT?"

Orlando Quitter Event Tonight!

Tonight is stop four on the Quitter Book Tour! Join me in Orlando for a fun night of book signing, side hugging and money giving awaying. (There's a $500 cash giveaway and it felt like that needed to be a verb somehow.)

I think this might be my last time in Orlando in 2011. So make sure you come hang out, pick up a copy of Quitter and get it signed.

Here are the details:

Thursday May 19, 2011 6:00 pm – 8:00 pm

Books-A-Million

200 North Entrance Road

Orlando-Sanford, FL 32771

407-328-4700

Losing sight of the tweets that matter most.

A few weeks ago, there was a Royal Wedding. Not sure if you caught any of that or were aware that happened. I consider this blog to be the 37th place you turn to for the latest news and updates about what's going on around the world. So if you're reading this right now and are thinking, "Come on, spoiler alert!," congratulations, you've successfully dodged every news outlet on the planet for almost three weeks solid. (Including this site on Monday.)

You should google it though because the whole thing was pretty amazing. I especially liked the moment when the doors on the balcony of Buckingham Palace were thrown open and Kate, the princess, stepped out to the jubilation of the roaring crowd below. It was a pretty powerful moment of joy and unbridled excitement and I rewound it a few times on the DVR.

Then I sat down at the dining room table to help my oldest daughter L.E. study for her spelling test before school. L.E. has a perfect streak record, with only one less than perfect score, the week her mom was out of town and dad ran the study session. My job was to call out the words. She'd listen, then write the word down and recite it back to me. We went through a few words and then I got distracted. I started using TweetDeck on my iPhone so that I could write a tweet about the Royal Wedding. I started going slower at calling out the words for L.E. as I focused on crafting a really funny tweet. She called me a few times, "Dad, what's my next word?," and I'd look up, recite it and then disappear back into my iPhone. After a few minutes, she finally put this note in front of me.

It says, "Daddy pay atensho!"

Stomach punch.

In getting engaged and distracted with my iPhone I ignored my daughter to the point that she found a napkin and wrote me a note to "pay attention."

I don't know if you're a dad or a mom or have never had kids, but that was about as crushing as a napkin gets.

A few days later, I was talking to my wife about the whole incident. As is so often the case, she lasered into the truth of it so much faster than I did. Here is what she said:

"L.E. and McRae are the ones you really want to retweet you. When they grow up, you want them retweeting or repeating the words of love and wisdom you gave them more than anyone else."

I keep telling my wife to write a book. She keeps refusing, but she's right the napkin and her words sounded a lot like Proverbs 22:6, "Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it."

As a parent, it's so easy to get distracted by so many things. Maybe you don't tweet. Maybe you don't spend more time on facebook than you do helping your kids with their homework. Maybe work or friends or TV or a million other things are the distractions you wrestle with most.

Maybe it's the opposite for you. You don't have kids, but you used to be one. You grew up with a dad who was distant. You didn't grow up seeing the glow of an iPhone on your dad's face as he unplugged, it was the newspaper he hid behind. And you know the cost of what happens when parents aren't present.

I don't know your situation, but I know more about mine because of something my seven year old scrawled on a napkin.

When my daughter is a teenager and the world tries to wound her, I want her to retweet the words of love I spent her entire childhood telling her.

When my daughter is in college and some boy tries to convince her she's not unique, I want her to retweet the words of truth of I spent her entire childhood telling her.

When my daughter is in her 30s and some hardship tries to make her question her value, I want her to retweet the words of value I spent her entire childhood telling her.

I framed that napkin. It will sit on my desk for years as a reminder of what matters most.

I hope you never need a napkin message to remember that yourself.

Not knowing if you're supposed to clap after a slow song at church.

Wow, that was a beautiful performance. I loved that special music. Wait, is that a term we're still using? "Special music?" Did we retire that because it sounds old fashioned? Kind of how like people are not saying "Sunday School" anymore but instead say, "I went to life group" or "my community group?"

If so, is there a new term I should be using? Instead of "special music," should I say, "Song that only one person sang, who often doesn't sing, but did today and we didn't sing along we just listened to it together as a congregation?" That's really long.

Regardless, that was a beautiful song. One acoustic guitar player, one girl singing slowly and quietly. But it just ended and I'm not sure if I should clap. I want to clap, it was awesome and inspired me to clap, but does boisterous applause ruin the "we're all quietly contemplating the intimacy and tenderness of the Lord" vibe that just started?

We're all just sitting here, on the verge of clapping, you can feel the tension. Maybe I should scream out "Jesusssss!!!!" like that guy at the Christian concert? Soft golf clap? Murmur of approval? Where are we headed with this thing?

Maybe a minister who they don't let preach but always have do the announcements will jump up and tell us, "Let's give a round of applause for that performance." But if he doesn't should I start it? Dare I go so boldly into a clapless situation with my own two hands? What if I start it and it doesn't build? What if I expect other people to join me in this act of support like at the end of the movie Dead Poet's Society and no one does? If that happens I better make sure it's a fast clap, because a single slow clap is the audience equivalent of leaving 1 penny as a tip. It's better to have no one applaud then one guy in the back of the room who is slowly clapping.

But come on, we gotta clap! That song was awesome.

If we are the body, why aren't our hands clapping? Is that Casting Crowns? I bet they would know what to do in this situation. Because I don't, I really don't.

Win 1 of 50 FREE copies of Quitter!

I'm giving away 50 FREE copies of my new book Quitter on Michael Hyatt's blog. Today is the last day to enter for one of them.

Click here to read the post I wrote "Avoiding one great temptation every leader faces" and enter for your chance at a free copy of Quitter.

Reacting to the Royal Wedding

A lot of bloggers like to write about events as they happen, in the midst of people actually thinking about them and caring about them. Me? I like to wait until they've cooled off, until most of the general population has moved away and any degree of momentum has passed. Then I write about the subject. I'm smart like that.

But a few weeks ago, there was a big Royal Wedding. And as I watched Twitter and Facebook and the Christian community in general I felt like there were four ways we reacted to it:

1. The Royal Approach

A number of people used the wedding to highlight that we too are royalty. We are heirs to the throne, we are related to the prince of peace. We are, as Run DMC intoned, "Down with the king."

2. The OT Bible Approach

When I watched the party and celebration in the streets of London, my very first thought was "David would be in his underwear." That's admittedly a weird thought, but that's where I went. I immediately imagined David stripping down to his under armor and doing the robot in the streets after his victory. Just standing there saying, "Hands go up, and they stay there! All I do is win!"

3. The Jesus Juke Approach

I was seriously concerned that the Jesus Juke machine was going to overheat and explode during the Royal Wedding. The easiest juke was the one you can use anytime anyone anywhere gets excited about something: "I wish people were this excited about church."

4. The Product Approach

I took a photo of this Bible last week. In case you can't read what it says, it's the Prince William of Wales & Miss Catherine Middleton King James Version Bible. Or as I like to say, the "PWOWMCMKJV." (I call it the "P-WOW" for short.)

I'm not going to lie to you, that last one stings a little. I've long been ready for the Stuff Christians Like version of the Bible, but thus far, no one is returning my calls. It would come with a hollowed out spine so you can secretly drink coffee in church and would smell like an old hymn for those moments when you're missing the old school feel of church. Dare to dream, dare to dream.

Did you watch the Royal Wedding? Did you have a response that was different from the four I saw?

Are you married? Short Saturday question.

Three weeks ago, Jenny and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. That is crazy to me. I can't believe it's already been a decade. Looking back on the last ten years, the me right now would have laughed at all the wisdom the me back then thought he had about marriage in year one.

It's been an awesome decade that has taken us from Atlanta to Boston, back to Atlanta and now Nashville. And thinking about my anniversary and my marriage has made me curious.

Are you married? If so, how long have you been married? What's one thing you've learned that you wish someone had told you on day one?

Are you single? I'd love to hear a little about your story too.

Those are today's short Saturday questions.

Move that bus, heaven edition.

(I met Matt Riggins a while ago at a Catalyst event. Here is he checking in with his first guest post, which I thought was great. Especially the whale part! Enjoy. )

In a recent post about my grandmothers entrance into heaven, I mentioned the idea that Jesus is like our great Ty in the Sky. Basically, while we're down here living in the slums of earth, Jesus – let me remind you, a carpenter – is in Heaven preparing us a place that will make Ty Pennington and ABC's Extreme Makeover's greatest accomplishment on earth barely fit into the trailer parks of heaven.

I was thinking about what it will really be like when Jesus finally shows us the mansion that He has been building for us for the last 2000 years. I'm guessing that since Extreme Makeover has become so popular down here on earth that the disciples got together and convinced Jesus that from now on they should have their own "Move that Bus" ceremony. However, since the bus idea was already taken, they decided to go a different route. I believe these were the ideas they came up with:

"Move that Whale"

Ever since Jonah was spit up onto the beach, the whale has been a missing character of the Bible. And since we didn't see the whale show up on any episode of LOST, we have reason to believe that God ushered the great fish (Seinfeld edit: mammal!) up to swim in Heaven's Crystal Sea. However, since no one is running from God in heaven, and the whale's only skill was swallowing people who were running for God, the disciples decided to teach the whale a new trick. It just so happened that a former Sea World employee was a believer so it made this task much easier. They taught the whale to block the mansions while the new arrivals line up outside. Then all together everyone shouts "move that whale" and off he goes back to sea – and a new member of the family gets their house.

"Move that Ark"

You know how big the houses are going to be in Heaven? HUGE! You know what can block the entire house so you can't see it when you're standing out front? A boat the size of ONE and a half FOOTBALL fields! The ultimate Heaven welcoming party would include the great crowd of witnesses standing outside of your house shouting "Move that Ark" and then when the boat floats away, Moses shows up, raises his shaft and voila! the waters part – Red Sea style – giving you dry land to walk across to get to your front door.

"Move that Mountain"

You don't think God can move mountains? You've obviously never heard the song "Mighty to Save". Of course he can move the mountains if Hillsong, heaven's future house band, wrote a song about it. You think there are no mansions big enough that need a mountain blocking them? Think again my friend! This one is reserved for missionaries and anyone else who has been completely sold out, spending their lives "storing their treasure in heaven". For you slaves of Christ, Jesus has been building your house for so long that it will take an entire mountain range to hide it from your eyes when you get to Heaven. As you walk up to Heaven's Himalaya's – wondering if God has another Elijah and the prophets moment prepared to dazzle your eye and commemorate your arrival, the crowd begins to shout "Move that Mountain" and then God shows off, blowing the mountain out of the way, revealing your giant mansion. You will need boxes of tissues to wipe the tears as you realize your life spent in the Amazon jungles was totally worth it.

"Move that Stone"

The greatest event in Christianity and all of humanity took place on Easter morning two thousand years ago. The morning the stone rolled away and out walked Jesus after being in the grave for three short days. Perhaps when we get to Heaven, God will put us in a little holding area, just teasing us with little hints giving us previews of our house or showing us clips of our old house being torn down. Meanwhile we are being primped up with heavenly manicures and pedicures to get us ready – and then 3 days after arriving onto the scene everyone begins to shout "move that stone!" and out of nowhere a GIANT stone rolls away and there sits our beautiful mansion. What a better way to remind us how it was even possible that we are there.

So clearly these were intended to be funny, and not designed to open a deep theological debate on prosperity. (Although if you listen closely, you can hear the Jesus Jukes multiplying like bunnies right now.) Can you imagine the houses in Heaven? What tactic do you think Jesus will use to reveal to us our beautiful mansion?

(For more great stuff from Matt, check out his blog.)

Amazon has Quitter again!

On Wednesday, when Quitter officially released, Amazon said the book was "Out of Print."

I immediately thought, "God, the #1 book selling avenue on the planet is telling people they can't buy my new book. Thank you for this chance to learn patience." Or, I wanted to throw up in the closet of my hotel in Dallas. It was one of the two.

But I'm happy to announce Quitter is back in stock on Amazon. No long wait, no out of print message, no complications, the book is in stock!

Click here to buy a copy or 3. (For the friends you know who might be stuck and need some hope and a path out.)

Click here to buy the Kindle version.

Thanks for your patience!

Jon

Atlanta Quitter Event Tonight!

Tonight is stop three on the Quitter Book Tour! Join me in Lawrenceville for a fun night of book signing, side hugging and money giving awaying. (That's not technically a word, but it felt right.) In addition to giving away $500, the person who drives the longest distance to get there will receive a free life size side hug cardboard cut out of me. Below are the details. Hope to see you there!

Friday May 13, 2011 7:00 pm – 9:00 pm

Books-A-Million

Discover Mills

Lawrenceville, GA 30043

678-847-5115