Tedder's Blog, page 18

Teaser Tuesday ~ Mother, Where Are You?

From A Prisoner by No Crime of My Own. Incest. Rape. Murder. Then, I turned Four. The journey of healing.

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Mirror Mirror ~ Mothers Are Not Forever Faithful

Introspection — what better way to start a week.

Are mother’s given too much leniency in cases of incest or childhood sexual crimes?

Why do we offer quick mercy and tolerance to the mother’s that were in these homes? Year after year these women sit by these sick, abusive men and do nothing. Sure, they tell us they are victims of these men but they are also mothers. Mothers that should have a watchful eye protecting their children from ALL things, including the fathers.

I happen to be one of the mothers that did not protect my children soon enough from their father. I hold myself in high accountability for the abuse they received while under my care as children. It certainly was not their fault. In my case, my own horrific childhood had left me a mummy, immobile, and unable to speak up for us. But, I learned and eventually got us out of their. I still had to wholeheartedly apologize for the horrendous treatment they received in our home.

What about the mothers that are abusers themselves? Those pedophiles that go unnoticed and unaccounted for because they are women. They are out there. The numbers of incestuous mothers and female pedofiles are far greater than we want to see.

There is a shift happening. The shift of the innocent coming out from behind the curtains to share their stories.

The brave are rising.
Their voices will bring an accountability to these heinous crimes.

Female pedophiles — we see you! You are caught. We are telling our stories.

F N’ F (Fear Not Friday) ~ Do you fear incest is a life sentence?

On the discussion of fear — Do you fear the residual effects of incest will last a lifetime?

In reality, it kind of does. There isn’t a part of my life that isn’t marred by the damage of incest. My entire childhood was ruled by this cruel master.

There is a story of sibling incest in the bible between brother and sister. King David’s children, Ammon and Tamar. After Ammon raped Tamar, it was the culture in their time that she was mandated to live as a virtual widow, her chances for an honorable marriage ended.

Her incestuous rape was for her a life sentence.

It made me think of all the destruction left in each victim’s life today. This is a crime of hell. It’s evil. It’s fingers lurk into the present lives of the many victims speaking cruel outcomes, shaming and adding layer upon layer of guilt for a crime they did not commit.

Instead of being victim to these prepetrators for my entire life, I am fighting back. I will not be quiet. I will not shut up. I’m going to stand and take back what was taken from me.

I want to bring you out of those prison cells, too!

Ask yourself this question: How has incest left its lasting mark on your life?

Today I am a fredom figther. It is who I am. I no longer live in prison, I’ve been set free.

And, to finish this incestuous rape story from 2 Samuel, Tamar’s oldest brother comforted her and avenged her rape by killing Ammon.

Rapist do not win!

WWW | Wednesday Words of Wisdom | Gentleness

The bible tells us a “tender reed will not be broken.” In my childhood, I was — broken.

How do you give what you have never received? My children were born to a mother who had never seen tenderness. Cruelty was the character that ruled my life. How then was I to know what kindness looked like? What was softness?

I was never treated tenderly. After I witnessed a murder at three years old, no one ever came to me to speak words of comfort. No one ever came.

I was — almost, dead.

My first marriage of 18 years left more misery embedded in my soul. I left that marriage nearly hating everything. Everything but my children.

That’s the truth.

Hardly functioning by the time I was 35 years old, I clearly wanted to die but I had two prisoners by my side now. What I did next mattered. It mattered for their lives and it mattered for my own life.

Fight – I did. With everything in me.

Did I fight with gentleness? Nope!

Did I fight gracefully? Nope!

Did I surrender to the ugliness that brought me up? Nope!

“Sometimes you have to be a high-riding bitch to survive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto.”

― Stephen King, Dolores Claiborne/Insomnia

Father, I come before you today with as much openness as I can muster. Please soften the areas of my heart that have never been allowed to be pliable. Please further open the deep recess of my soul that have never been comforted. Let me know your gentleness. Let me see your kindness. Let me war now with the weapons of peace.

In your precious name, Jesus. Amen.

Denial Leads to Darkness

Denial is defined by Merriam-Webster as refusal to admit the truth or reality of something. Sigmund Freud, way back in the 19th century postulated that denial is unconsciously choosing to push back on factual truths because to admit them would be too psychologically uncomfortable and require facing the unbearable.

Many people live in a state of denial and don’t even realize it. They also don’t realize how dangerous it can truly be.

Almost all of us have had experiences so uncomfortable or traumatizing that we do everything in our power to push the memories or feelings aside. Or maybe there is an everyday reality we live with that feels too impossible to cope with, so we pretend it doesn’t exist, and that dealing with it is not our responsibility.

That is denial.

The state of denial usually feels much more comfortable than confronting difficult feelings or circumstances. But anyone in the mental health field will tell you that living in denial for too long will only backfire.

Denial may feel easier, but it actually only intensifies whatever challenging feelings you are dealing with, making them more difficult to move on from.

What are some features of denial?

minimizingturning a blind eyeshifting responsibility

What are some ways to combat denial & learn better ways of coping and dealing with uncomfortable feelings, issues, and situations.

Honestly examine what you fear.Think about the potential negative consequences of not taking action.Allow yourself to express your fears and emotions.Try to identify irrational beliefs about your situation.Journal about your experience.Open up to a trusted friend or loved one.

B

You’re not a victim for sharing your story…

My only hope of regaining what was taken from me was to talk. My mother helped me find my voice and it ultimately saved me…as well as a profound, bone marrow-deep commitment to the healing process. There is so much healing to be found in restoring your own voice, by speaking out publicly on behalf of yourself and fellow survivors and taking back as much of the narrative and hence, as much of the power as possible.

B

Watch “Let’s Talk About It | Investigating Incest & Destigmatizing Childhood Sexual Crimes”

A new interview with Laura Ann is now up on the YouTube Channel dedicated to warrior stories. We delve into the reality of childhood sexual crimes, supressing the memories to survive, and in Laura’s case, much of her memory of childhood is still hidden.

Here’s a clip from that interview:

Subscribe and watch all the interviews here:

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F N’ F (Fear Not Friday) ~ Do you fear love?

On the discussion of fear — Do you fear receiving love?

My childhood held little love. What I could receive, I got from a loving grandmother and uncle. Other than that, this little girl received a lot of rejection, hate, and abuse. That was yesterday but it effected how I lived. I didn’t pick people who would love me. I picked abusers over and over again.

Do you know why?

I feared love. Now, I didn’t wholeheartedly understand what love was – it was a mystery to me. Fear lived in the place where love should have dwelled.

Fear overshadowed everything.

Then, in my early 20s, I heard that the bible taught that God’s perfect love drove out fear. That if I had fear, I had no love. Wow! What a liberating thing to try to pursue.

I am still pursing that today. Finding God’s perfect love and filling the wholes left in my being.

Ask yourself this question: Do you have more fear than love in your heart?

Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother?

But what if your father and mother didn’t honor you? What if instead of loving and honoring you they physically, sexually and emotionally abused you? What if you were scared every day of your growing up years? And what if, when you finally grow up and start to face the fact that your family of origin abused you, and through some therapy finally gain the courage to confront them with the abuse, they completely deny it and tell you that you are crazy? Do you stay in that family system or leave it?

There is little cultural sympathy, support, information, or education for adult children who are starting to face the fact that their family of origin abused them, and often their abusive family is still trying to get them to stay in the family system and play their programmed role.

Staying in this situation only perpetuates the abuse that you are trying to heal. Further, it can put other children or people in harms way and we become complicit in part of the ongoing and generational cover up of abuse. If we can do it for ourselves, sometimes it’s easier to do for others.

Many will never understand but your responsibility is to take loving care of yourself and share your love with those who love you, rather than allowing yourself to continue to be abused.

B

#grief #pain #uncovered #promises #truth #choosetruth #resistdenial #walkawayfromincest traumarecovery #healing #incest #riseabove #jesuslovesyou #prisonerbynocrimeofmyown #evil #noincest #godisgood #cptsdsurvivor

WWW | Wednesday Words of Wisdom | Still Not Telling Your Story?

As a child, the first thing we learn when coming through childhood tragedies is to remain quiet. Don’t tell is the very first rule we are given.

The problem is we did see, we did hear and we still didn’t tell.

If we are ever going to change our pasts, we have to break the silence and tell. When you don’t tell you are still living under the rules of the person who abused you. Do you like them that much? Probably not.

Then stop living by the rules given to you by a pedophile.

I’ll leave this question: Is it better to remain quiet and suffer all of the consequences that silence brings?