Pam Vredevelt's Blog, page 9

What Do We Do With Sad and Angry Questions?

Life Letter Cafe recently talked with me about tough questions that surface when we suffer loss.  This is a brief excerpt of the 7 Questions Sunday Q & A. 

LifeLetter Cafe: How do you help moms who suffer a loss through the “How can a good God ..?” question?

Pam Vredevelt: I think it’s important that women have the freedom to openly share questions like this, and that those supporting them welcome and embrace their emotional honesty.  When we are talking about a life and death subject, why wouldn’t we ask questions about where God fits into our picture?

We’ve got to create a safe place that normalizes questions about God, faith, and real life issues.  Grief is confusing.  It leaves us wondering, “Where was God when my baby died?  Why did He allow it?  Where is the goodness in any of this pain?

Sad and angry questions are all part of the sorting and wrestling we must do to move forward in the grief process.  God isn’t daunted or offended by these questions. He welcomes them. Glossing over these things or pretending like the questions don’t exist, can arrest our healing. Vocalizing these questions with God, ourselves, and others is a natural part of our faith journey and an important step of growth. Questions and doubts drive us closer to God when we ask Him to reveal His perspective and then watch and listen for His answers.

When people question God’s goodness I often think of the phrase coined by Phillip Yancey: “There is a big difference between God and life.”  With every significant loss that I’ve experienced, I’ve learned vital life-changing lessons about myself, others, God, and life. Sometimes God allows in His wisdom what He can prevent with His power.  I cannot answer the question, “Why?” and there are many things I don’t know.  I’d rather choose to focus on what I do know:  God promises to take the worst life throws at us and use it for His highest honor and our highest good.

“Creating an agenda or time table for a friend’s grief
is an exercise in futility.”
– Pam Vredevelt –

LifeLetter Cafe: Recovery from loss is a process – how do you help concerned family members and friends not create an agenda and timetable of healing and wholeness for a mom going the loss of a child?

Pam Vredevelt: That’s a great question David.  Offer a heads up:  grief takes much  more time and energy than most of us expect.  It is not an easy or quick process. The greater the bond the greater the pain.

There is not one right way to grieve.  Each individual’s grief experience is unique to them.  We don’t grieve exactly the same way or on the same time line.  Creating an agenda or time table for a friend’s grief is an exercise in futility.  But more important, it can be hurtful.

 "Grief takes much more time and energy than most of us expect."

People can sense when we are subtly “pushing” them to feel better.  If I could have picked a grief timeline after we lost our baby, I would have chosen the high speed fast forward approach because I don’t like deep heartache, puffy blood shot eyes, or crying in public.  My voice cracks silly, and my nose runs wild.  Vanity aside, grieving a loss is a reflection of our love for the one who is gone.  The deeper you love, the deeper you grieve. Whether we like it or not, grief has a life of its own.  Giving people permission to be real, and accepting them right where they are, assists them towards healing.

LifeLetter Cafe: What is perhaps the most critically important portion of your book, Empty Arms?

Pam Vredevelt: Over the years I’ve received hundreds of letters from women around the world who have read Empty Arms.  They’re often grateful that the process of suffering is openly exposed through the stories shared by moms and dads in the book.  They also say thank you for the guidance and practical insights passed on by other parents who are ahead of them on the journey through the shadows.

LifeLetter Cafe: What positive takeaways can grieving moms (and dads) expect from reading “Empty Arms’?

Pam Vredevelt: Those who have suffered a loss will know without a doubt that they are not alone, their pain is valid, there are answers to their questions, and others who have walked their path genuinely care.  They’ll be reassured that roller coaster emotions are normal and find ideas on how to steady their ups and down.  They’ll receive insight as to how to protect themselves from getting stuck in grief, and guidance on how to cooperate with God in healing their broken heart.

For the full interview go to:   http://lifelettercafe.com/2016/03/7-questions-sunday-pam-vredevelt-empty-arms/

Are you in a tug of war with ____?

After we brought Nathan home from the hospital I struggled with depression, driven by post-partum hormones, anxiety about his diagnosis of Down Syndrome, and the holes in my baby's heart.  How was I going to meet the needs of my family as I had before and find my way through the mysteries of the unknown path ahead?

Two months after Nathan was born I stood in the shower telling God all about it:

I am sick of crying, God. I've cried every day for the last two months and I'm tired of it. I can't fix me. I can't fix my baby. I can't fix my life.  God...I need help....and on and on and on...."

I call that ten minute episode, surrender in the shower.  It was a turning point for me.  

I surrendered to the fact that I was powerless to change Nathan's condition.  I could't rewrite the script. Nor could I erase the last year of my life. I surrendered to the fact that I wasn't meeting my children's needs the way I wanted to. God knew that too, and He was going to have to make up the difference.I surrendered to the fact that I couldn't control the future.  It as in God's hands. And I surrendered to the fact that my feelings were my feelings - even though I was weary of them - and the only way to get beyond the grief was to go through it and to trust that in God's perfect time he would heal my heart.

 I see now that much of my anguish in those early years was caused by my own resistance to reality.

Being in a tug of war with the events or circumstances in our life does not change things.  What is, IS.  Trying to escape or leave the present doesn't help either.  But I know something that does help.

Acceptance.

Acceptance doesn't make things harder; it makes them easier.  It empowers us to see with a new set of eyes.

Acceptance is powerful.  It brings quiet peace to a heart torn with conflict.  It comes when we make the choice to take a deep breath and say, "We are exactly where we are supposed to be at this point in time."  It means we stop wasting precious time and emotional energy wishing things were different, or longing to be someone else, or wanting another set of circumstances.  Its a force for change that can turn bad into good.  

It's trusting that my times are in God's hands. Psalm 31:15

The circumstance doesn't matter.  It may be singleness. Or widowhood. A heartbreaking marriage.  Disability. A lingering ailment.  Or shocking betrayal.  Any life situation in which we find ourselves and over which we have no control.

Here I am 23 years after Nathan's arrival, and seven years to the day following his departure to heaven.

Anniversaries like this cause me to stop. To reflect. To cherish. And to give thanks for the sixteen years we shared life together. 

I'm reminded of a surprise gift I received from Nathan during this past year.

 

An unpredictable and painful incident occurred.   Without warning I was blindsided by a verbal blood bath.  Accusations. Unchecked words of death. Darkness unleashed. My stomach was tied up in more nasty knots than I could count. I went to bed that night in agony, soaking the pillow until sleep finally came.

Up to that point, I had not dreamed about Nathan for five years.   

But on this particular night, much to my astonishment, an intensely vivid dream startled me awake.

In the dream I observed a scene in front of me, in which I also played a part. 

Jesus sat facing forward looking at me while I watched the scene unfold.  Nathan sat on Jesus's right knee facing center, while I sat on Jesus's left knee facing Nathan.  Our knees touched together.  My mom stood behind me silently rubbing my upper back in gentle circles.  Suddenly Nathan placed his hands on my knees and leaned towards me until his face was within an inch of mine. With perfect speech (something he did not have in this world), he looked me straight in the eye and boldly declared,  "It's OK Mom.  Jesus has a plan."  

I bolted up in bed, craving more.  More of my son. More of this comfort. More of God.

It's OK Mom....

Once again Nathan draws me to God and reminds me of truth ...You don't have to make your life work out. God has a plan and it is good.

It's OK Mom.  Even the strange, the unplanned, the painful, the things we call awful can be woven together for our highest good, and God's highest honor.  It's all going to be OK.

OK Nathan. I'll choose to embrace what is and lean into acceptance.

Acceptance does't mean we don't feel sad now and then.  We do.

Acceptance doesn't mean we don't ever play the "what if?" game.  We do.

Acceptance does't mean we never day dream about what could have been.  That's not likely.

But less. Much less than before.

Thank you Nathan for your timeless love. Yes, my son, I hear and receive your words.

God is with us and Jesus has a plan.

It's going to be OK.

Have You Heard The News?

Each year 1 million expectant mothers in the United States suffer a devastating loss.It's time. No more secrets. No more shame. No more women alone in pain.PORTLAND, Ore., Feb. 11, 2016 /PRNewswire/ -- Expectant mothers who are grieving over the death of their baby now have a book to help guide them through the bereavement process, "Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy." The best-selling book, with over 100,000 copies sold, is now available in an updated new release published by Penguin Random House. "Empty Arms" is the essential guidebook to help women through the anguish of losing a baby.

"The surprising, heartbreaking statistics of women who have lost children is a tragedy that society avoids discussing," says Pam Vredevelt, a Licensed Professional Counselor and best-selling author of "Empty Arms," a finalist in the Golden Medallion Book Awards. "Hope and healing can emerge from sadness and despair."

Vredevelt, who lost two children, offers empathy and personal wisdom that only experience can bring.  "The grief from losing a child is nearly unspeakable. But we must talk about it and bring this tragedy out of the shadows to help families heal," says Vredevelt. These heartbreaking losses are more common than many think....." (for the full story and video book trailer follow the prnewswire.com link below)

I'm often asked, "How can I offer hope to women who are suffering loss? Here are 2 suggestions:

Go to myemptyarms.com and download 10 Ways To Help A Friend Who Has Suffered Loss.  Then act on 1 thing.

 Copy and share the news release link below with your family, friends, and other women you care about and love:

http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releas...  

 Do 1 thing.  It matters.  You matter.

Let's penetrate the dark together and reach out to those alone in pain.

Pam

Reaching out can double our joy and divide our grief.

 

PR Newswire - The rest of the story....

About the Book

"I'm not picking up a heartbeat, Pam. There doesn't appear to be any fetal movement. I think the baby is…dead."

Those words plunged well-known inspirational speaker and author, Pam Vredevelt into a deep sea of overwhelming grief. Her book is the outcome of her clinical research and personal quest for understanding and encouragement after suffering the loss of her first baby. Then, 25 years later, she lost her 16-year-old son, Nathan, who had Down syndrome and was struck by a car when he wandered away from his family while attending a Trailblazer game.

The book, which is also available in Spanish, offers hope to other parents who are "still in the shadows" as Pam shares her story to help families suffering from this tragedy that is difficult to discuss.

Originally published in 1985, the best-selling love and loss book has been revised and will be available inFebruary 2016 (ISBN: 978-1-57673-851-1).

About the Author, Pam Vredevelt

Pam Vredevelt has been in private practice as a Licensed Professional Counselor for more than 25 years at NW Counseling Services in Gresham, Oregon. She has Master of Science Degrees in Communications and Psychology, is the author of 13 books, and is a sought after inspirational speaker.

Featured on national television and radio talk shows, best-selling author, Pam Vredevelt, passionately shares helpful insights and her compelling story on a mission to:

Dispel misconceptions and quiet fears about pregnancy loss.Validate painful questions that refuse to go away: "Why me? Did I do something wrong?"Offer simple tips for talking with young children about pregnancy loss.Provide meaningful ways family and friends can offer support.Give practical ideas on how to deal with blundering comforters who say dumb things.

For media interviews: Email, or Shirley G.: 503-459-7139. Pam has been a frequent guest on TV and radio shows and is fully media trained.

To learn more visit: MyEmptyArms.com for social dialogues and links; video book trailer:http://www.pamvredevelt.com/empty-arms/

Media who would like to request a review copy: http://waterbrookmultnomah.com/request-review-copy/

Praise for "Empty Arms"

"Healing from a miscarriage or stillbirth is a complicated process, and having walked that road with several close friends, I know how essential Pam's counsel is. Both from personal and professional experience, she has been beautifully equipped to help the process of healing — physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Girded with biblical truth, this book will resonate with and help many, many readers."
- Shaunti Feldhahn, Social Researcher and author of "For Women Only"

"Pam captures the heart of what women experience when losing a baby. Her willingness to share her story is an inspiration! The practical advice and wisdom found in 'Empty Arms' is second to none." 
- Dr. Gary Smalley, Family Counselor, appearances on Oprah Winfrey, Larry King Live, and the NBC Today Show

"After four miscarriages, I seriously wondered if I'd ever NOT be sad. I wish I had known about Empty Arms. I highly recommend this book!" 
- Lisa Jacobson, Founder of Club 31 Women blog

Media Contact:  
Shirley G.: 503-459-7139
Email

Pam's Author Page on Amazon

Mystery and Miracles

On January 24th, I witnessed a miracle.

Birthing a loved one into eternity is fraught with wonder and mystery. 

During her final week with us, I noticed Mom re-position the Mickey Mouse watch on her wrist several times a day.  For over 30 years that favorite time-teller traveled the world with her.   Even though she had the resources to wear the best of the best, Mom stuck with Micky.  His big hands pointing to the large numbers made reading easy for tired eyes. 

Every morning, Mom wound that watch nine times to keep it from skipping a beat. No real wonder in this part of the story.  

The mystery is in what comes next.

Journal entry - January 24th, 2012: 

Mom lies peaceful, eyes closed, and unresponsive all day.  Her home-going is near

Surrounding her bed the family attempts to sing her requested favorite, the Battle Hymn of the Republic.  Bumbling through our tears, we choke out the song:

"Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.  He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored.  He hath loosed his faithful lightning like a terrible swift source, His truth is marching on.

 "Glory, glory hallelujah....

Suddenly, in the middle of the chorus, Mom's eyes bolt open-wide like saucers.  Every ounce of strength in her tired body rallies, fixated on something above her.  Something beyond.  We don't know what she sees.  But whatever it is keeps her spell bound through several deep breaths. A split second later she closes her eyes tightly, and is gone.

Stunned by the obvious, I ask my sister Kelly, a former critical care nurse, and medical brainyack:

"Have you ever seen anything like that before?"  She shakes her head with a puzzled no and replies.

"I've seen many people die, but nothing like that...."

In keeping with her expertise, she checks the clock and announces, “Time of death is 3:44.”

Meagan, the hospice nurse arrives and takes Mom's vitals. Turning to the family she confirms mom's passing, “Time of death is 4:12.”

 Kelly clarifies, "Mom passed at 3:44 pm."

Meagan nods in agreement, logs the time, and signs the official papers.

We remove Mom's jewelry, place it on her dresser, and do what we can to comfort one another through the endings of the day.....  

 

 "A thing is not necessarily against reason because it happens to be above it."

 

.....It's 10 pm now.  We are weary to the bone, hoping sleep will eclipse our sadness.

Dad hands Mom's watch to Kelly along with his wishes:  “I'd like you to take Mom’s Mickey Mouse watch home to Rachael. I think she’ll like it.”  Wiping tears from her cheeks she thanks him .

Now this is where it get's good.

Suddenly, Kelly's jaw drops and her eyes nearly pop out of her head: 

"Oh my stars! You're not gonna believe it!, she exclaims, "Look at this!"

Turning the watch towards us, we marvel:

Mickey's hands are pointing to 3:44 pm.

It stopped keeping time the precise minute Mom left this world for the next!

Our family calls it, the miracle on heaven's doorstep.

God dwells in eternity, but time dwells in God.  He has already lived all our tomorrows as he has lived all our yesterdays.

                                                                                                                    A. W. Tozer 

Faith is . . .

Within every struggle . . .

Within every struggle and weakness resides the potential of God's power to cause deep transforming shifts in how we see, feel, and act.  I like to ask myself regularly:  Am I allowing God to accomplish great things in and through me that are completely beyond my reach?  Beyond the best and worst I see in myself, but exactly in line with what God has seen in me all along? 

I believe God loves to raise the stakes by inviting us to step out in faith, simply so that He can show us what HE can do. 

Are you at a crossroads where your only answer is radical trust?  I get it.  It's downright scary.

But the good news is, we don't have to have everything figured out ahead of time.  We don't have to see the full picture. God is personally watching over all the intricate details of our lives.  We have His undivided attention. We can rest in His all-wise love.

I want to be a woman who quickly follows God's voice, one little whisper at a time.  Who quickly acts on what He says.  Who trusts Him with the outcome.  

How about you?

 

Never Forget . . .

Never forget in the light what you learned in the darkness.

I heard those words from my friend, who relocated to heaven a few days ago.   Aggressive rheumatoid arthritis, extreme pain, and other neurological complications suddenly shut systems down. And off she flew to her new Forever Home.  

A few days before we enjoyed swapping stories together, not realizing it was our last exchange.   Her voice bouncing with joy she dreamed out loud, "Won't it be wonderful to be pain free!"  

Karen didn't relish talking about her personal pain.  There were far more important things on which to focus.  

You'd never know she lived in the haunting shadow of her parents and sister ending their own lives.  You'd think she would have carried a chip the size of a watermelon on her shoulder after her two husbands ran off with younger women.  But no, my friend refused to invest in negatives.  She chose instead to embrace the joy of the NOW and  possibilities of the future.  She frequently reminded herself and those she loved . . .

"Suit up and show up, regardless how you feel."

"Hardships don't defeat us, they  shape us."

"God has a purpose even when things feel impossible."

"Look for the good in every situation. It's there whether you see it yet or not. . ."

 Who and what you are becoming  will stay with you forever."   

Forever.  .  . Karen was mindful of the Forever that is just around the corner for all of us. An eternal perspective infused hope into her darkest years of pain and suffering.

The book of Revelation could be called the book about Forever,  because in it we find a picture of our eternal home.  The apostle John's description of the future steals your breath. He says:

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away...and I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.  They will be His people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or crying, or mourning or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  He who was seated on the throne said, I am making everything new!' "

John is old when he writes these words.  His body is weary, and frail. Tears spill easily as he captures the vision with pen and ink on paper in his musty jail cell.   The wise sage says that when we get to our forever home, God himself will wipe away our tears.

I happen to know my friend wiped away many tears during her 72 year pilgrimage.  Her own tears. Her children's tears. Her grandchildren's tears, and the tears of many others who encountered tragic loss on their journey.  Her fondest memories were caring for patients and families as a social worker.

Now it's her turn to receive the love and comfort she gave away.  The same hands that curled in agony as nails pressed His flesh into a wooden cross, cupped Karen's face a few days ago, and brushed away her tears.  There are no more reasons for her to cry.

I'm terrible at saying goodbye. The deeper we love, the deeper we grieve. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was kiss my 16 year old son, Nathan,  goodbye when he left us for heaven.  The good new is, once we arrive at our Forever Home,  good byes won't exist.. Now that is toe-tapping music for you and for me.

We're all a little bit closer to our Forever home than we probably think.  Before we know it, our appointed time will come.

Do you ever wonder what it will  be like to finish everything you were destined for in this world ?  I do.  

I wonder what it will feel like to shed the confines of my earthly aging tent.  What will I see? Whose voices will I hear?  I can imagine Nathan zooming  through one of heaven's portals, hopping on my back, and laughing with me all the way up.  He loved playing piggy back..

Then maybe . . .  just maybe, Jesus, who would rather die than live without us, will reach his nail scarred hands out of his heavenly robe and dry away my tears. 

Are you looking forward to your forever home?

I hope so.  But more than anyone else, Jesus hopes so.

He's been preparing a huge celebration for your arrival ever since time began.  It's by invitation only.

Have you RSVP'd?

 

 

 

A Fabulous Definition of Love

"Love is an unconditional commitmentto an imperfect person."

It's how God loves us, and how He wants us to love others.  Without God, we're sunk. But with God the possibilities are unlimited. 

 God, today we choose to believe that Your love IN us makes all things possible. 

The Gift of Tears

 "You're blessed when the tears flow freely."

Jesus, in Luke 6:21, The Msg 

"Until you have cried, you don't know God"

Ephrem, 4th century theologian from the region of modern day Turkey

I wonder...

Can tears be a means of reflecting the heart of God?

Are they a gift to be shared?

Could they be one of God's provisions to carry us through dark suffering?

How might tears be an explicit way of being with God?

How do tears transform sorrow into joy?

Seriously, I'd love to hear from you.  What hidden rewards have you discovered in tears?

SOW GOOD SEEDS TODAY . . .

     . . .you'll be eating from your own garden.