Todd Perelmuter's Blog, page 14

Do You Know Yourself?

All loving relationships start with knowing. All problems stem from a lack of understanding. If we are to love ourselves, love others as ourselves, and eliminate internal and external conflict, we must know ourselves.

The wisdom that arises from understanding who we truly are cannot be told to us. Just as we cannot develop a good relationship with another person by simply reading about relationships, we cannot develop a good relationship with ourself by reading or listening to someone else.

A teacher can help you build the telescope, point it in the right direction, but you must look through the eyepiece yourself.

Strange as it may sound, most of us spend very little time with ourselves. The mind, afraid to be explored and investigated, fills up every minute of our day with tasks, distracting thoughts, and constant entertainment. In my latest podcast, I share two simple steps to understanding the mind and freeing ourselves from this inner chaos. 

Study your mind and you will understand yourself, other people, and the nature of illusory problems. We must each become experts of our own mind. Only when we understand what we do and why we do it, will we be free to actually make a choice. Otherwise we will just be like a dog chasing a mail truck with no idea why, no idea what we’ll do when we catch it, and no way to stop ourselves.

Couples have date nights. Friends hang out together. Even coworkers bond outside of work. Even more so, we need some quality time with numero uno.

Thoughts aren’t commands that dictate what we must do and how we must feel. It only seems that way because we have never truly explored these ever arising and passing away thoughts. In a recent YouTube video, I share the secrets to quieting our inner monologue, I discuss why we have these constant thoughts, why they are often so negative and chaotic, and how to condition our mind so that it becomes more joyful and peaceful.

If the unexamined life is not worth living, the unexamined mind is not worth having.

Much love,

Todd

P.S. Work stress is one of the leading causes of stress in our lives. It often spills over into our personal lives as well. Learn how to embrace work stress, how to dissolve it, and how to prevent it from arising in the first place here.

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See the Universe Within & Become One With It

When we say that humans are social creatures, it doesn’t just mean that we like to gather and communicate. It means that through the many selves, a society emerges. Without society, we would have no language, and thus no thoughts.

So while there is a great deal we can learn about ourselves when we close our eyes and turn our attention inward, it is also important to understand that we are so much more than ourselves.

We are the external influences that shaped our lives and our thinking. We are our surroundings. We are our ancestors. We are the plants we breathe and the foods we consume. To put it more plainly, we are the relationship between ourselves and all life on this planet. This concept is the focus of our upcoming film, Finding Your True Self: A Love Story, coming out on YouTube July 12th at 8:00AM. Be sure to subscribe and turn on notifications so you don’t miss it.

Even if we disagree with someone else, we are the disagreement. We are the stance in opposition to that other person. It is thanks to the cruelty we reject that we can be kind. It is thanks to selfishness that we can know our generosity. And it is thanks to loss that we can appreciate the love we had. I talk in more detail about the illusion of loss and how our loved ones never stop being a part of us in my book, Grief and Spiritual Healing: Surviving Life After Loss.

Within bad are the seeds of good. Thus, there is no bad. When we start to see how everything negative has the potential for a positive response and a wise relationship, we start to see the interconnected oneness all around us.

Focus on relationships over the illusory individual and isolated events. No person, thing or place is separate from everything else. This is a false way of seeing. In truth, everything, including yourself, exists in relationship to everything else. 

When we realize we are the oneness of the universe, we stop falling for the illusion of separateness and isolation. All self-pressure, self-consciousness and self-doubt fade away as we realize there is no self. In my latest podcast, see beyond the veil of duality, discover your true nature, and feel the universe within.

Even in negative circumstances, a positive response is always possible. No matter what unfortunate circumstances occur, we can exist in a wise and positive relationship to it. We cannot control everything, but we can always control our relationship with the universe around us.

Much love,
ToddP.S. When we learn these 8 simple life lessons, life changes. Happiness and ease become states of mind we can access at any time.

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Is Happiness Getting What We Want?

What is happiness? Is it getting what we want? Is it chemicals in our brain that can be altered with substances? Is it positive thoughts and emotions? Or, is it something more?

As humans, we have two modes of being: going and resting. Often, even when we are physically resting, our mind is going. When we are going, we are chasing after what we want and we are running away from what we fear.

Going is wonderful. Our bodies need us to be going so that we go get food, go find a mate, go acquire resources, and go have some fun. We also need to go away from tigers, bears, and tall cliff edges.

The problem is, we are more than a physical body. To be truly happy, we need balance. Our body needs rest, but so does our mind. If our mind cannot rest, then we start to break down like a car that never stops going full speed.

Just to quiet our mind, we will start to rely on entertainment that puts us in a trance. But our mind hasn’t become quiet, it has only been hijacked by exciting (stressful) shows and films, or negative news and social media.

Substances may give us temporary relief from thinking, but they often put stress on our body and can very easily become crutches.

The more we turn to something outside of us for mental rest, the more dependent we become and the more we have to chase. This keeps us trapped in the constant going. (If pleasures are turning into addiction and craving, this video is for you.)

If we look carefully at our lives, we will notice that things don’t actually make us happy. Why do we get excited for a vacation days or weeks before it starts? Why are we sad after the vacation is over? Because all of our feelings start and end with the mind.

What we are really looking for is not success or pleasure or good feelings. What we are really craving is rest — deep, profound, healing rest that penetrates deep within our soul. Rest and stillness have no opposite. They are our centered state. There is no oscillation between happiness and sadness when we reside in the deep and lasting peace that is our true nature.

Every other animal knows this peace. An animal in the wild may run away from a tiger, but as soon as the chase is over, they shake it off and get back to peace. They give themselves the rest they need. There are no therapists in the animal kingdom, they just know how to rest and recover.

We also know this deep down. That is why advertisers spend trillions of dollars to make us forget and think that some product or service will give us the fulfillment we crave. When we are at peace, we discover a greater joy than anything else on Earth. It is inherent to who we are, dependent on nothing.

Positive thoughts and emotions naturally arise when we are in this present state of inner rest. Creativity flourishes with this newfound freedom from fear. Our brain chemistry naturally resets when it has a chance to heal. This is true happiness, and it is available 24/7.

Every thought, desire, and fear is the ego. It is a figment of your mind. It is not real. Your grudges and disagreements, your pride and shame, are not you. They are the activity of the ego. When you can remember this, you rise above the mental storm. This is happiness.

One of the greatest sources of unhappiness in this world is the loss of a loved one. It is like having the rug pulled out from underneath you, getting kicked in the gut by a horse, and being knocked down a never-ending staircase. If you or someone you love is grieving, there is now a free resource on grief and loss at the EastWesticism website. For people in grief, I know it seems like your world is collapsing, but our ancestors have found ways of surviving this immense loss. I hope their wisdom helps you as well.

Much love,
Todd

PS – I wrote an article on how my time at a Buddhist monastery became one of the most transformative spiritual experiences of my life. You can read it here.

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How Can I Not Take Things Personally?

Q: Dear Todd, what if a person treats everyone else well with kindness and compassion with the exclusion of oneself, that is, that person only feels hatred towards me? How can one not take it personally then? I’d like to think it’s a projection of how they feel about themselves but it’s apparent they’re okay and happy when with others just not me.

And it’s not because of something I did or said but hated for no good reason. I don’t know how to deal with that. I’ve been telling myself to just love myself, if I love myself, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me, but the thought of being specifically hated and mistreated still occasionally comes up and causes pain.

TODD ANSWERS: We have to let people be their irrational, sometimes hurtful self because we can’t force others to change. The more we understand that people can be hurtful and irrational, the more at peace we can be when it happens. Also, boundaries, boundaries and boundaries.

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14 Inspirational Quotes After Losing a Loved One

If grief is love unexpressed, then express that love to yourself so the healing can take place.

When we relinquish our attempt to control or suppress our grief and simply allow it to exist, we grant it the freedom to unfold naturally.

Understanding impermanence on a deep level, and being aware of it rids the mind of any ability to experience loss, grief, sorrow, and detachment. Only the nonmaterial, empty space, light of Consciousness is permanent. This is real. This is worth focusing on.

The miracle of death is the miracle of life. There is no life without death.

There would be no grief if there was no love.

When we realize that there’s no single moment we’re born, there’s no single moment we die, we become free from the binary delusion of duality.

The better we understand death, the more we can understand life.

Let the love that lies at the core of your grief heal and transform you.

Permanence is an illusion. Attachment is a delusion.

We are guaranteed not one more breath, and yet every single moment is infused with the miracle and joy of life.

Contained within every storm is the rainbow at the end, within every dark night is a sunrise, within every birth is death, and within every love is grief.

The only way to have a life free from loss is to have a life free from love. And as difficult as it may be in times of loss, we all choose a life of love.

The more deeply we turn inward, the quicker and easier it’ll be to get through to the other side of grief.

Every beginning and ending are simply illusions. There was something even before that beginning. And after every ending, life still goes on. The more we understand on a deep level this impermanence, the more peace and joy we can bring to every situation. Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter Newsletter Email Subscribe The Art of Gratitude | Short Film

Gratitude is the most important human emotion because it alone determines the quality of our life. This film is a roadmap back to our grateful hearts.

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How to Come Out of Survival Mode & Start Living

We are not just spiritual beings. We also have a responsibility to these physical bodies to make sure they are safe and well taken care of. It is very difficult to be spiritual when our physical needs are not met. This is why we must all work to ensure that people everywhere have access to affordable medicine, shelter, safety, clothing; and clean food, water and air.

This survival mode is not a bad thing. It’s why you and I are alive today. It is our body telling us, “HEY, I NEED SOMETHING URGENTLY!”

The problem is when we can’t shut off survival mode because our mind has gone wild with worry. It’s when we have done everything we need to do to survive, and yet our mind is still screaming at us. When this happens, we stay stuck in a constant, and sometimes subtle, state of fear, anxiety, panic and stress.

Most of the time, especially people living in the West, we do have our needs met. It is our outsized and unmet desires that create the illusion of a threat.

But even if we are truly struggling for survival, like the Buddha and Jesus who both left home with barely a penny in their pockets, liberation from fear is possible.

In the following article, I discuss why we get stuck in survival mode, and I will share the spiritual tools to overcome fear so we can be at peace no matter our situation.

Why Some People Are Always Stuck in Survival Mode

There are many things that can initially cause us to be overworriers. Some things are biological and genetic. There could be generational trauma in our family, and we keep those memories in our genetics.

The most common initial cause is having one or both parents be chronic worriers. Many parents are very stressed and they have not learned the skills to manage and release their stress. They are busy, they work hard, and they do not know that there is a better way to go through life than accumulating stress. They believe that believing everything is life or death will keep them and their family safe.

Even if a person grows up rich, they may feel stuck in survival mode. At school, we can feel like our survival depends on being liked and accepted. Successful parents may be hard to please, and so we may fight for their approval too. This is also rational. For most of human civilization, being banished from society was a fate worse than death, and often meant certain death.

Other causes of survival mode can be hormonal, or even dietary. If we are severely lacking a nutrient, our body can feel like it’s starving and go into survival mode.

Today, we even see a rise of pessimism spurred on by the news media and social media. To get clicks and views, every news story must convey danger around every corner. Even though we live in the wealthiest and safest time in human history, we are also more frightened and anxious than ever before. We subconsciously think to ourselves, “Until I have ten million dollars in the bank, I cannot relax because I will be in danger of losing my house. What if I lose my job? What if the market crashes? What if…”

There is however another cause that is even more responsible for us getting stuck in survival mode: our own choices and behaviors. We are all born with certain predispositions and into certain circumstances. But we all have a choice at the end of the day. Will we remain enslaved by our predispositions and be a victim of circumstance? Or, will we overcome them through mind training and the practice of presence?

Some people are naturally able to face stressful circumstances with ease and enjoyment. Other people tend to become overly stressed and anxious. But no matter where we fall on that spectrum, it is up to each of us to decide what we do from here on out.

How to Get Out of Survival Mode

The first thing we have to realize is that it is not our situation that causes panic. It is the habit of panicking that causes us to panic. Anything that we do automatically, uncontrollably, and by second nature, is a habit. And like any habit, we are able to quit and form newer, better habits.

We must recognize on a subconscious level how we believe that panic helps us. We must see how we falsely believe that it serves us in some way. Then, we must meditate deeply on the truth: that panic always makes situations worse.

Because in school and at many jobs we are taught through discipline, we mistakenly believe we must be strict on ourselves to achieve great results. But the opposite is true.

While stress is essential to fight or flee, in all other cases it drains us of our energy and debilitates us. That’s why a panic attack is literally our own body attacking us.

Fear, stress and anxiety kill creativity, enthusiasm, optimism and courage — all things we need to succeed and survive. So even if we are homeless, investing 5 or 10 minutes a day by calming our mind and body are essential to getting out of survival mode, achieving more success, and actually enjoying this one precious life we have regardless of our financial circumstances.

The root cause of survival mode is an untamed mind. It is a mind that, despite our attentions, obsesses over worse-case scenarios, doom and gloom. So we must do these two things:

1. Mind-Training to Get out of Survival Mode

Mind-training is putting your higher self back in charge of your mind. It means realizing how the ego has taken over your mind. When we take back control of our mind, it becomes a powerful tool of innovation and creativity.

The untamed mind focuses on problems and what it doesn’t have. It gets angry and jealous at other people’s wealth. The tamed mind creates a new reality by focusing on solutions and the assets you already have.

The way we take back the reins of our mind is by becoming aware of how our mind operates. Through understanding, wisdom arises.

Notice your thoughts. Notice how they make you feel. Notice if the thoughts are helpful or not. Ask yourself what you really should be thinking about instead, and guide your mind in that direction.

We must pluck out the seeds of envy, fear, anger and lack. We must plant the seeds of safety, compassion, confidence and abundance.

Mantras and repetition are great ways to turn conscious thoughts into subconscious ways of being. Such as, “I am safe, creative and wise,” or, “I achieve anything I set out to do,” or, “The universe always provides.”

By staying alert to your mind you can prevent it from going to dark and scary places. Every time you do, you create a new habit of being positive, relaxed, and more effective in your thinking.

2. Practicing Presence to Get Out of Survival Mode

There is really nothing more important in our lives than practicing presence. If we are lost in thought our whole life, we will have missed out on everything. Presence is where everything happens. Everything else is just in our imagination.

So don’t just stay positive, stay present. Practice being fully in the here and now. Whatever you do, try to notice the inner stillness while you do it. This is the key to preserving energy so you can achieve great things.

There is no thought more important than being present and still. The more stillness you have, the more insights and inspiration can enter your mind.

The more present you are, the more peaceful and relaxed you can be because the screaming voice in your head finally becomes quiet.

Just one second of presence breaks your stream of thought and your next thought will come from a place of peace instead of panic and worry.

All you have to do is listen fully, see fully, feel your body fully. Whatever you perceive in the here and now, perceive it fully. Keep guiding your attention back to this moment. The more you do that, the more you will become fully alive. The more you will become aware of opportunities when they present themselves. And the more you will be able to do and achieve without creating problems and obstacles in your mind.

Everything you have to do will still get done, but you won’t create needless stress or pressure on yourself. It is external action with internal stillness. Life is action. We are always doing something. Whether it is celebrating or cleaning up a mess, the only difference is the story we tell ourselves about it. Presence allows us to rise above all narratives, to just be, and to bask in the peace and bliss of oneness.

How to Go from Surviving to Thriving
It’s very natural to have anxious thoughts of survival. The thinking mind’s job is survival after all. But we can either use those thoughts for motivation, inspiration, and the creativity to achieve more; or they can use us and bring us down. If we accept those anxious thoughts, use them, and even embrace them, then the fear and anxiety go away.

This means practicing allowing whatever thoughts arise to come and go. Don’t chase them. Just accept them.

The ego is like a bad friend who follows us everywhere, never stops talking, and just says whatever pops into their mind. It’s annoying.

So when it says it wants something, that it won’t be happy until it gets it, just let those desires come and go. The truth is, there is nothing stopping you from being happy right now. Life has its ups and downs, but peace and joy can be everlasting states.

The more we can be happy with nothing, the more likely we are to succeed. People want to hire people who seem like they don’t need the job because they’re getting too many job offers. People want to do deals with people who act like they don’t need your business because they are so good at business.

It’s not the success that comes first. It’s the mindset of success that comes first. When you feel you have everything, you will surely get it.

By recognizing how desire makes us suffer, we can become free from desire. Of course we need a home and food and safety. Of course we need to do whatever it takes to get those things. But the question is, can you do those things while being happy and enjoying the journey? The answer is a resounding yes.

All it takes is presence, positivity, and perseverance. There is absolutely nothing to fear. Only things to do. So do them wisely.

As the Buddha said, sickness and death are coming for all of us, so we might as well be loving and joyful. What else is there to do with our short time on this earth?

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Question Answered in This Blog:

Dear Todd, I am having a hard time separating myself, my body, and my needs for water, food, safety, shelter, etc.. from the lower order of constituents we’re made from. For example, I can see the peace of connectedness but at a higher level the anxiety of survival.

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How to Fix the Resentment in a Relationship

All resenting stems from resisting. Resentment comes from resisting another person’s actions, behaviors and habits. Instead of allowing the person to be, we silently resist who they are. That silent resistance turns into spoken or unspoken anger, distance and mutual hardship.

The absolute best thing we can do when feeling resentment is to go from resisting to enlisting. Instead of feeling like we must either fight or silently suffer, we can enlist the other person. We enlist by lovingly teaching and showing by example. We show the proper way through our being, and we enlist our partners to join in. We keep blame and fault out of the equation. Through love, we heal resentment and we are more likely to invoke change from the other person.

When people feel attacked, they never learn. When one partner suffers in silence, the other partner never learns. Only through love, kindness and patience has anyone been able to grow and evolve. Not everyone will change at the pace we might wish them to, but at least you did not lose your inner peace. Everyone has their own demons to work through. We can’t control anyone. But, if we are unable to be that patient and loving teacher, that only shows us the work we still have to do on ourselves. This is what Gandhi meant when he said, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.

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Path to Peace The Difference Between Religion and Spirituality

Spirituality is a word that has about 8 billion definitions. So what the heck is it? How does it relate to religion? Can you have one without the other? Are they mutually exclusive or do we need both to reach our ultimate potential?

In this podcast, I explore the history of religion spirituality. I talk about their impact they've had on people and on society as a whole. And I share how we can navigate the confusing terrain of a world full of people who all claim to possess the secret and sacred truth.

Please enjoy other episodes where I share meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.

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Switching From One Addiction to Another

Q: Dear Todd, I was a minimalist when I was using cannabis every day, and later drinking and smoking cigarettes every day. I felt satisfied with those escapes plus daily meditation and exercise. Then I stopped drinking and within a year started collecting toys. It’s an addiction replacement. I get a high from making the purchases, but honestly, having the toys gives me little to no joy.

Once in a while, I get inspired to make videos with them and that is fun. Also, I get some approval and validation from other people with the same habit/addiction. It’s frustrating feeling like I still have addictive tendencies and a desire for social validation after so many spiritual breakthroughs and so much time just being still. How did I get back on the wheel of suffering?

TODD ANSWERS: First of all, your insights into yourself put you miles ahead of most people struggling with addiction, so you are very close. Like anything else, you need to witness those cravings come and go without acting on them. This will build a new habit of conscious shopping. Check out my videos on smoking and shopping addiction because they are very similar

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11 Inspirational Quotes for Tough Times

1. It’s so important that we take time to heal. That means not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually too. Others may think that’s selfish and we may feel guilty, but it’s the most thoughtful, considerate, and compassionate thing we can do.

2. As long as you learn from a mistake, there is no mistake.

3. Nobody is perfect. No matter what, no matter how rich they are, no one has a perfect life. No one’s a perfect person​​. We’re all doing our best. We all make mistakes.There’s no reason to be harder on ourselves than we would be of anyone else. Go easy on yourself. You’re worth it.

4. The mind says, “I expect this good thing to last forever,” and not realizing the simple fact that it will surely end, we suffer. When the object of our craving inevitably ends, as everything does, a disturbance arises out of what is and what we wish to be. And by realizing this trap of impermanent fleeting pleasure we can free ourselves from this cycle of pleasure and pain.

5. All you have to do is take one breath at a time, take one step at a time, and take one day at a time. You don’t need to carry your entire future on your shoulders every moment. Just this moment, because that’s all there is.

6. Even one moment of presence and peace is priceless.

7. No matter what we are going through, happiness is always available. All we have to do is realize that it doesn’t lie in some imagined future, some idyllic past, or some far away place.

8. Zoomed in, life seems chaotic. We see the drama, the fights, the yelling, the car crashes, and so on. But from space, everything seems peaceful on Earth. From even farther, we’re no more than a blue dot floating in blackness.

9. When we attach ourselves to the story our mind tells us, we inevitably become locked in the prison of our own mind. And we become the prison guard.

10. We think we suffer because of some external situation, but suffering doesn’t exist outside of ourselves. It is a mental creation stemming from our craving for temporary phenomena to last forever.

11. We can’t fix a car if we don’t look under the hood. So we only have to do one thing to fix all our problems in life, look within.

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Gratitude is the most important human emotion because it alone determines the quality of our life. This film is a roadmap back to our grateful hearts.

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