Todd Perelmuter's Blog, page 11

How to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse

Q: Dear Todd, my narcissistic mother only preyed on me during my most vulnerable times. I’m beyond disappointed, and there’s a lot of anger in my heart when I think of her. How can I heal?

TODD ANSWERS: This is a very tough experience to go through. It is not fair that the person who should be our greatest source of love and support should act in this way. Children growing up to learn that their parents are deeply flawed and troubled is a very hard lesson no child should face. And yet when we look closely at our family, we may find a lineage full of trauma, abuse, neglect, and stressful and tumultuous challenges.

For ourselves, for our children, and for our great great grandchildren, now is a wonderful time to heal that history. The first step is understanding and accepting. Accept where you are — trauma and all. Accept that you did not have the love and support you needed, and that you had a flawed mother instead. And try to understand the events in her life that shaped her into who she is today.

With full acceptance, a clarity can emerge. Instead of hurting, witness the hurt and pain within you. See how her behavior was not a conscious choice to attack you, but rather the unconscious actions of a deeply troubled person.

With clarity and calm, work on healing yourself with love and patience. Allow for the scars to be there as you try to create a new life free from her negative influence. Like physical rehabilitation, you will need some spiritual rehab. It won’t heal overnight, but there can be progress everyday.

Two essential steps for spiritual rehab. 1) Make presence a habit. This is how we heal from the past. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, take a deep, conscious, big belly breath. Do this as many times a day as you can. Eventually, it will become a habit. Breath is the doorway to presence. 2) Ask yourself, how would you respond to life if you had a fully supportive mother? Deep down, you already know the answer.

There is nothing we need to learn to be happy and loving. We only need to unlearn our trauma. At your core — same for every one us — is the untouched, unsoiled, and undefiled light of love and consciousness. We just have to pull back the layers of grime that accumulated from life’s misfortunes to reveal it.

Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter Newsletter Email JOIN Returning to Oneness

Step out of the world you thought you knew and into the infinite oneness that is who you truly are.

The post How to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse appeared first on EastWesticism.

How Do I Handle Chronic Complaining While Seeking Personal Growth?

Q: Dear Todd, So, do we just avoid and walk away without commenting, do we just nod and show compassion with simple words without true feeling? I need to know how to respond exactly. I live with one chronic complainer currently and can’t get away so simply yet. I mean, I could, but only in a situation that I don’t feel is a ton better and not without a lot of conflict and feeling bad about it. It’s a complicated situation for me that I’m not quite ready to leave as my boyfriend and I both live with her and she is in poor health. Granted my boyfriend has his own issues too, that I don’t think he is willing to put the work into fixing, but I’m still somewhat hopeful. I do know that it’s all making it very hard for me to keep doing my own growth and healing. Trying to learn to set boundaries and enforce consequences, but struggle with realizing my own worth and value fully. I’m a work in progress.

Todd Answers: I totally understand. Each moment may require a different response. You may need to muster all of your compassion in order to calmly say I need some space or I need to be alone for just a little bit. Other times you may be able to hold a peaceful space that neither drains you nor feeds the complainers. You just have to keep listening to your heart.

Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter Newsletter Email JOIN The Art of Gratitude

This film is a roadmap back to our grateful hearts.

The post How Do I Handle Chronic Complaining While Seeking Personal Growth? appeared first on EastWesticism.

What is God’s Role in Being Present Everywhere?

Q: Dear Todd, what exactly is God’s role in being within us and present everywhere? Why is it so helpless while witnessing all the violence, crimes, suffering, and misery? How can it not do anything? If this was the design, this big puzzle, then what’s God’s role? We cannot even hear His voice because our minds are constantly playing games. If there’s a divine energy within us, how do we access that energy? Where is God located in us? Some say it’s in the forehead area. How do we access Him in our lifetime? For example, when we are asked to pick heads or tails on a coin, we ask ourselves which side it landed on after tossing, and the mind says, “It’s heads.” Who is saying this? Is it God, the mind, or a demon? Why is it sometimes right and sometimes wrong? How can God misguide us? If God is love and light, the answer should be positive. But it’s just chance. Wouldn’t life be easier if we started getting answers for our questions from the Almighty? I have so many questions to ask you. When you say to watch those thoughts playing games, is there a Satan sitting there? If so, how do we disconnect from that force?

TODD ANSWERS: God/the divine/the sacred/universal consciousness is omnipresent. It isn’t within every atom. It is the whole of every atom.

The thoughts in our head are the result of the neurocircuitry in our brain, which is itself conditioned by the past. When we have a pause in our thoughts, a deeper wisdom is understood. In this state, we rise above the physical demands and desires of these physical bodies. From here, we can discover our highest intentions, intuitions and insights.

We do not live in a universe where God calls the shots. We call the shots, we live with the consequences, we learn and we grow. Suffering is our test and teacher. We are not supposed to know the answers beforehand.

In this plane of existence, we are souls learning to be more loving. The game is to see suffering and stay loving. According to pretty much every religious tradition, whoever alleviates the most suffering wins (for example, that person would go to heaven, or they are reincarnated into a fortunate life). When everyone learns this lesson, we will have reached a time when there is no more needless suffering or cruelty. Until then, peaceful harmony will tell us when we’re on the right path, and suffering will continue to guide us back when we have lost our way.

Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter Newsletter Email JOIN Returning to Oneness

Step out of the world you thought you knew and into the infinite oneness that is who you truly are.

The post What is God’s Role in Being Present Everywhere? appeared first on EastWesticism.

At 65, How Do I Balance Grief and the Desire for Change?

Q: Dear Todd, I am mentally ill, widowed, and my toddler died too. So, I raised four other kids alone. I have been in a hospital once for depression after hurricanes Irma and Maria hit the island, just three years ago. With an empty nest, retirement, and a p/t job in a garden center I stay busy. But, coming back to the USA and our old town is so painful. Everywhere I turn a memory! We moved back to Puerto Rico after the accident that took them. I only have one daughter here. So, I am alone with memories. I wanna move, by the sea, my home and my kids are all totally against me going back or moving to any coastlines in the USA. Here I am 65, free and locked up!

TODD ANSWERS: You have been through a great deal. What a strong warrior you must be to have survived so much. All of us in our lives have to juggle between what we want to do, what we should do, and what others want us to do. But each of us has to listen to our inner wisdom, when we’re at peace and with clarity. It sounds like your kids love you and are just concerned. Whatever happens and wherever you go, I know you’ll be able to find peace there.

Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter Newsletter Email JOIN The Art of Gratitude

This film is a roadmap back to our grateful hearts.

The post At 65, How Do I Balance Grief and the Desire for Change? appeared first on EastWesticism.

Path to Peace 4-Step Process to Change Your Life

Oftentimes, we try to conform in order to get approval and acceptance. But we never get it and we just end up pretending to be someone we're not.

The truth is, we won't be liked by everybody. But the more we can be ourselves, the more we will find genuine friends who love us for exactly who we are.

In this podcast, I share a 4-step process for finding your authenticity and courage within. I talk about how to quiet the outside noise and live in alignment with who you truly are. And I share how to find the soul tribe you've been looking for.

Please enjoy other episodes where I share meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.

*****
If you ever feel like my words brought a change in your life, and want to show your SUPPORT for what I am doing, click here.

Find all of my BOOKS for wherever you are on your spiritual journey: https://www.eastwesticism.org/spiritual-meditation-books/

Want to gift a book to a prisoner? Go here.

The post Path to Peace 4-Step Process to Change Your Life appeared first on EastWesticism.

How to Be at Peace With So Much Hatred in the World

Q: Dear Todd, my problem is that I become depressed when reading the news and seeing angry, bigoted, homophobic, leaders who spew hatred. I can look at individuals as loving souls, however, if they follow certain political beliefs, I find it very difficult. And there are people who are simply cruel selfish beings. Can you speak to this in more detail and how to live in peace with such hatred abounding all over the world?

TODD ANSWERS: There will always be infuriating and tragic things happening on this planet of 8 billion people. We each have the choice where we put our focus

Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter Newsletter Email JOIN The Art of Gratitude

This film is a roadmap back to our grateful hearts.

The post How to Be at Peace With So Much Hatred in the World appeared first on EastWesticism.

Is Accepting Things as They Are Bad For Growth?

A lot of people think that accepting things as they are means we don’t need to take any action, we don’t need to improve anything, and that “letting go” means giving up. I was even asked once, “Doesn’t being happy mean that we would not care about anything and we would never try to develop ourselves spiritually, financially or personally?”

I understand where these questions are coming from. From a nonspiritual place, acceptance does mean rolling over and giving up. Letting go does sound like it must mean we stop trying to control the course of our lives.

But spiritually, these definitions are about internally making peace with whatever life throws our way. It has nothing to do with the external actions we take. In fact, the more we stop resisting and fighting with reality internally, the less energy we waste on anger and stress, and the more energy we have to actually put into our goals and dreams.

To accept and make peace with our own shortcomings, and to make peace with the disadvantages we have in life, is really the best way to overcome them. When we dwell on negativity, we get drained of energy, we become immobilized with fear, and our pessimism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Only with clarity, peace and joy can we have the dedication, focus and courage to create the most optimal external conditions in our lives.

In this article, I will discuss how we can do exactly that.

What Does It Mean to Accept Things As They Are

The spiritual definition of acceptance is not about inaction at all. It’s about stillness within, and wise action externally. A lot of research shows that not accepting, resisting, and putting needless pressure on ourselves to change causes anxiety, fear, mistakes, and is not the best form of motivation. Nor is it sustainable. There can only be lasting change and progress through acceptance, and we won’t have to waste precious energy criticizing ourselves or our circumstances.

Nonacceptance is to be at war with reality. When we battle reality, we are not seeing clearly. We cannot honestly assess our situations. And we will be in a constant state of stress. Reality is what it is. To fight it is futile. But once we can accept it, then we can change it.

When we are fearful, panicked and stressed, our vision becomes myopic and narrow. We develop tunnel vision, only being able to see what is right in front of us instead of the bigger picture. This is a survival mechanism we developed when living in the jungle so that we could focus on a tiger or bear and tune out everything else.

But today, this narrow, fearful vision causes nothing but suffering. It makes us lose sight of what really matters, it blows each moment out of proportion, and it causes us to see a false reality. Only when we can relax can we be creative and wise. To relax, we have to accept. Once we accept, we can see the many options at our disposal and we can take the best course of action.

Why Do We Need to Accept Things As They Are

When we resist what is, we become stressed. Our work becomes forced and eventually we will burn out. The people who succeed in the long run, whether at business or in their personal lives, enjoy the journey. They know their strengths, they work on their weaknesses with ease, and they can maintain hard work because to them it is play.

People who love the grind, who love self-improvement and who love to find their flaws so that they can work on them have no need to “blow off steam.” They are not accumulating stress moment by moment.

To live in a constant state of anger, discontent and lack is a one-way ticket to anxiety, depression, OCD and addiction. When we can work on building the life of our dreams with ease instead, everything comes easier.

Gratitude and appreciation don’t lead to lethargy, apathy, or having no ambition. They lead to a positive, confident, abundant mindset that knows with certainty we can achieve anything. Acceptance works with reality to achieve our dreams. Resistance denies reality and causes us to worry and doubt ourselves, which leads to self-sabotage.

Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter Newsletter Email JOIN How Do You Accept Things As They Are

There really is no difference between work and play except by how we talk about it in our mind. Whatever we are resisting the most, that is the thing we need to embrace head on. Whenever we notice our mind complaining, change the mental story to excitement and appreciation. How we feel about everything in our lives is no more than a mental story. It has no basis in reality. It occurred because of an unconscious reaction based on our past. Just as our past creates the conditions for our mental habits, we can create new mental habits.

Change the word “work” to “play” in your mind. Change “hate” to “love” when it comes to your profession or self-improvement. Generate a joyful and exciting story about the things you wish to change. This is how we will have the energy and enthusiasm to achieve our wildest dreams. Everything that is possible is possible. It just takes the right mindset.

1. Practice Appreciating the Moment

We will look back on our lives one day with fondness. We will admire ourselves for our hard work and dedication. So why wait until we’re older? If our older selves could go back in time and tell us something, it would be not to worry so much and appreciate the time we had.

Time is the most precious commodity in our lives. We don’t have a lot of it. Acceptance doesn’t mean doing nothing, it means making the most of every moment we have. It’s about inward stillness, outward action. It’s about flowing with the dance of energy all around us, like a martial artist. We don’t block life’s blows, we divert them.

We must be present for each moment in our lives, not resisting it, but using the energy of our external environment to create change instead of resisting it. The tools and resources for change are all around us, we just have to open our eyes to reality in order to seize the opportunities.

2. Love Reality Before You Change It

Learn to love what is. A lot of people think that fear and pressure are the best forms of motivation, but that is only true in the short term. In the long term, all that pressure and stress leads to heart disease, cancer, and addiction. It also kills creativity, wisdom and vision.

The energy we bring into the world is the energy that will be reflected back to us. Do we really want to fight reality? Trust me, it’s a losing game. If we let stress and pressure motivate us, we will not be able to endure the truly difficult challenges that we will surely face if we wish to achieve great success.

When we have the confidence that we can face hardships with peace, we can take on the biggest of challenges. Even if we get knocked down, we won’t get knocked out. We will be able to get right back up and nothing will be able to stop us.

No one knew this better than Michael Jordan. He embraced failure with fearlessness. He wanted to miss the most shots because he knew that that was how he would become the greatest. He loved the hard work, he embraced the early mornings and late nights of practice, and that is why he thrived under pressure.

So be like Mike. Love your flaws, love your disadvantages, and you will be able to overcome anything. When you love every negative in your life, everything becomes positive. From this kind of positive energy, every door in life opens up to us.

We think happiness is a house, spouse, kids, cars and vacations. But how many people have those things and are still unhappy? It’s not the goals that matter, it’s the process. The book, Aloneness to Oneness, shares the 22 most important life lessons Todd Perelmuter discovered on his 9-year journey around the world living with monks, gurus, shamans and tribes. It contains the secrets for maintaining true happiness and deep inner peace in an ever-increasing chaotic world.

Nothing is Ever Gone

The post Is Accepting Things as They Are Bad For Growth? appeared first on EastWesticism.

How Do I Know I am in Meditative State

Q: Dear Todd, it’s 3:44 am and right now in the present moment I can’t sleep due to stress and anxiety. But I’m aware and accepting of that fact. I’m not fighting it. Is this considered being in a meditative state? Awareness? For a positive or a negative? I hope this made sense… I am after all sleep deprived at the moment. Thank you

TODD ANSWERS: Much of meditation is shifting our perspective from the experiencer to the witness and so in a way neutrally observing is definitely a meditation.

Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter Newsletter Email JOIN

The post How Do I Know I am in Meditative State appeared first on EastWesticism.

Why am I Not Seeing Any Results from My Meditation?

Q: Dear Todd, I have been trying meditation for at least a couple of years, reading books and blogs, and studying Buddhist teachings, yet I feel no different than I ever have. I want to feel a connection, I want to feel safer, loved, and be in communion with my spirit. What am I doing wrong?

TODD ANSWERS: I wonder what kind of meditation you’ve been doing because different kinds will get different results. But often it’s the yearning for some change that can prevent it. A desire for a certain experience can often block us from the freedom from desire, which is what we’re really all searching for. It is the tight grip of attachment to an outcome that prevents the deep relaxation we’re looking for. The tight grip becomes a tension and stress all on its own.

The best thing to do is let go of all desires with meditation. Meditation is the one activity that is about just being present. Let it be, let it flow, and let go.

Most importantly, make sure you bring that meditative state to the rest of your day. Do your best to make a habit of being present, relaxed, and alert. Stay aware of your thoughts and your breath. And stay aware of what you’re doing. Think of meditation as the opportunity to be present without distractions, and then use the rest of your day to try and be present with all the distractions of daily life.

I’ve written some blogs on different types of meditations and the different benefits each has. I hope it helps.

Weekly Writings from the Desk of Todd Perelmuter Email Stay Updated

The post Why am I Not Seeing Any Results from My Meditation? appeared first on EastWesticism.

People Don’t Like Me Even If Try

Q: Dear Todd, most people don’t like me, no matter how friendly & kind I am to them. Some people don’t like me in the 1st instance without even knowing me. Others pretend to like me. At work today I was told by one of my colleagues I’m making them look bad just because I was getting on with my work. They all keep staring at me when I notice their gaze they quickly look away. I’m getting fed up with it, I have left many jobs because of being hated so much. I trust no one.

TODD ANSWERS: People can be cruel, but usually it’s a defense mechanism that they developed because someone was cruel to them. All that matters is who you know yourself to be.

Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter Newsletter Email JOIN

The post People Don’t Like Me Even If Try appeared first on EastWesticism.